Is he cheating?

LegacyUser

Hi I am unregistered on here as I know my partner reads these forums sometimes. So here goes the problem, I have recently just moved in with my partner of 7 months and a few weeks ago he stayed out for the nite, which was planned and I knew about (was @ a friend of a friends) anyway there was a couple of girls there which he told me about but he said they was with their partners, the next night something happened and he was gonna stay again but @ another place which I know was a lie and I think he was gonna stay there again, anyway he came home instead of staying and I don't know I got a feeling from a previous relationship I had that something wasn't right, anyway, last week he was gonna stay out again due to work commitments on the friday and I think he was lying again about were he was staying, but he came back anyway. So he was texting the other nite and that uneasy feeling came over me, so later I checked the phone and all had been deleted (he never does this ) anyway now this girl who was @ the house has now become his friend on Bebo, am I reading 2 much into this or is my gut instinct right?????? This happened 2 me before and I was right that time. I have asked him if we can talk and I guess I will know by his face if he is lying or not.

Katgurl

I find your post quite strange TBH. Why are you only concerned about whether he's cheating but seem fine with the assumption that he's lying? Does he usually lie? Or do you often think people lie? do you tell a lot of lies yourself?

The other thing that struck me was you've only recently moved in together & he's staying out quite a lot. Shouldn't he be makign more of an effort now you're co-habiting? Maybe that's what you need to talk about; it could be he hasn't fully absorbed things have changed.

only your boyfriend can tell you if he's cheating or not, there is nothing there to suggest that he is. also you say he 'told you about' girls at the party & explained they were there with their partners. why would he have to reassure (apologies in advance if i've misunderstood this) you about girls at a party - surely he's perfectly entitled to make friends with girls? I may be way off here but are you suspicious because of what happened in the past?

Blue_Wolf

Always go by your gut feeling, and by that I mean talk to him. But dont be reading his emails etc that will just annoy him

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi I am unregistered on here as I know my partner reads these forums sometimes. So here goes the problem, I have recently just moved in with my partner of 7 months and a few weeks ago he stayed out for the nite, which was planned and I knew about (was @ a friend of a friends) anyway there was a couple of girls there which he told me about but he said they was with their partners, the next night something happened and he was gonna stay again but @ another place which I know was a lie and I think he was gonna stay there again, anyway he came home instead of staying and I don't know I got a feeling from a previous relationship I had that something wasn't right, anyway, last week he was gonna stay out again due to work commitments on the friday and I think he was lying again about were he was staying, but he came back anyway. So he was texting the other nite and that uneasy feeling came over me, so later I checked the phone and all had been deleted (he never does this ) anyway now this girl who was @ the house has now become his friend on Bebo, am I reading 2 much into this or is my gut instinct right?????? This happened 2 me before and I was right that time. I have asked him if we can talk and I guess I will know by his face if he is lying or not.

LegacyUser

Does it feel worse because you have moved in with him? Is this something he would have done anyway on your nights apart?

You just need to sit him down and get it out of him, he should be excited about his new place and have some nice nights in with you, not spending nights away with other women.

biggybum

I had a similar experience myself recently but all my own fault!! I constantly suspect my girlfriend of texting emailing etc other lads, rediculous i know ! I have never been cheated on myself nor do i have any reason to be jealous but my gut feeling tells me that something is up!! Its all about trust to be honest and that is something i don't have in anyone........ its unfair on the other person tho

ellie1

I think people need to be careful in mixing up gut instict with paranoia and insecurity.
People who have been cheated on in previous relationships often carry the effects of this into new relationships and become obsessive with there other halves phones, emails, behaviour. Even people who have never been cheated on behave this way. They also become insecure about friends of the opposite sex. It is hugely damaging to relationships.

Taking it that the op does not normally be so suspious and doesnt usually check his phone, gut feelings are more often than not correct. The best thing to do is sit down and ask him straight out.

themacdaddy

ellie1 wrote: »

I think people need to be careful in mixing up gut instict with paranoia and insecurity.
People who have been cheated on in previous relationships often carry the effects of this into new relationships and become obsessive with there other halves phones, emails, behaviour. Even people who have never been cheated on behave this way. They also become insecure about friends of the opposite sex. It is hugely damaging to relationships.

Taking it that the op does not normally be so suspious and doesnt usually check his phone, gut feelings are more often than not correct. The best thing to do is sit down and ask him straight out.

+1
Ellie nailed this on the head. totally agree. I think trust is very important in a relationship and if you do not have trust you don't have very much left. From what you have told us IMO you it does not tell me he is definitely cheating. Maybe he just needs some space/alone time. I know your going to talk to him and that is the best option. I would just be tactful about how you ask him as if he is not cheating your insecurites may do the same damage to the relationship! Hope it works out for you!

chinapples

themacdaddy wrote: »

+1
Ellie nailed this on the head. totally agree. I think trust is very important in a relationship and if you do not have trust you don't have very much left. From what you have told us IMO you it does not tell me he is definitely cheating. Maybe he just needs some space/alone time. I know your going to talk to him and that is the best option. I would just be tactful about how you ask him as if he is not cheating your insecurites may do the same damage to the relationship! Hope it works out for you!

You could sit down with him but that is not meaning to say he will tell you the truth!it is very difficult to trust when you have been hurt in previous relationships, and when the guy/girl you are with have never been treated in such a way as "cheating" like you have it is very difficult for them to understand. Reading emails is horrible as it is private, in saying that, I checked his inbox once and found horrible texts,that broke me up inside-to another girl.....I took him back, still feeling insecure about my decision but I love him and I would hope he would never lie to me...then again,life is too short to be afraid all the time-you just have the live it the best way you can..........................talk to him,I did!

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, we sat and talked about it and he was gutted that I would even think that of him and that I was comparing him 2 my bad past, as for him staying out he was @ an event had had been long planned and had 2 stay as it was 2 far 2 get back, and the next time was a works meeting. Hes a great guy and Im very lucky to have him in my life, so I think now I have 2 work that little bit harder and not make him worry what Im thinking.

LegacyUser

Well so much for that talk, I have since found out that he is having private conversations with this girl on a certain website (yes I looked on there) they havent said anything damning but he said he enjoyed the few pints they had last week when he was supposed to be at a meeting, and they had a phone conversation so now im pretty sure that he wasnt gonna stay elsewhere that nite, i really dont know what 2 do, I cant confront him again as he will know Ive been snooping, Im thinking bide my time and then just leave PLEASE NEED SOME ADVICE ASAP

Kimia

Oh god that's awful. It still doesn't mean that he has actually cheated but he's lied to you and it looks inevitable.

I would cut my losses - tell him that it's over and tell him why. Who cares if he finds out you were snooping again - you've nothing left to lose.

beth-lou

Sorry to say, but it sounds a bit suspiscious. I would have went along with him, until the conversation with the other girl and the drinks they had.

I think you could wait and see if the pattern continues and then tell him what you know. but you definitely can't just ignore it as it will eat you up. It's an awkward one, as you have to admit to snooping, but he is lying. which is worse? You snooping because of his strange behaviour or him lying and meeting someone else and saying nothing, in fact lying about where he was.

I think you have to talk to him.

Katgurl

My heart goes out to you OP, it really does, I've been in similar situation & it only gets worse.

If I were you i would pack one suitcase for the weekend and put it out of sight. Print out the conversation you found & put it in your handbag. When he comes home ask him again (clearly) where he was that night and if he lies again tell him you're leaving. Go get your suitcase and leave. Don't stay and shout it out because he'll continue lying to confuse you. Leave the printout on the table.

You really haven't been together very long on one hand so these days should be easy. On the other hand, you've made a decision to live together so decent commitment has been made. There really is no excuse.

Then go stay with a friend for the weekend till you decide what to do. You may still be able to work it out at this stage if he comes clean & explains honestly what was prompting this behaviour. But he'll need to start being honest.

LegacyUser

at least you found out now what a sleaze bucket he is, you have to kiss alot of frogs to meet your prince, seriously, thank your lucky stars you found out now rather than 5 years down the road and your married with kids, it will get easier petal, take heart, theres an awful lot of lovely fellas out there, and at least you can take this as an experience, best of luck darling x

MollyRo

you poor thing, before I read the bit that he was having private chats, i was just gonna say go with your gut... and of course he denied it...
anyway, always go with your gut. you know from past experience that it doesnt work. if you decide to split, you know it will be tough but it takes time to get over it... think about it, he knows about the past relationship you had like this and what you went through and he is lying about what he's up to... go with your gut... its usually right.
I took my ex back after an affair he had years ago, i never trusted him again. tried to make it work but at the end of the day when someone does something like that to you - even lying about meeting up with someone its an early warning to get out of dodge!!
best of luck!!

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to say it does sound very dodgy, but you may be insecure from your past experiences, you need to learn to give less of a ****, never let anyone mean that much to you that it will tear you down if they cheat on you, dump the bum and find someone worth it

chinapples

look to be honest, would you not feel better getting out of all that insecurity?he seems like a dickhead-believe me I totally understand ur situation..just reckon u shud just say,"really sorry but i deserve better, and this thing of u and me doesn't seem to be workin"-ur way too good to this "dip****"-forget it,forget him-don sum sexy heels,a sexy dress n have a good weekend!:D thats what I would do if mine started acting like that-I will defo not stand for crap!or just slice it off...............that shud make him c sense

shelly.m

i was in a similar situation and my feelings were right no matter how much he lied i just knew

ohdelightful

shelly.m wrote: »

i was in a similar situation and my feelings were right no matter how much he lied i just knew

i totally agree with shelly - they'l try wriggle out of everything n prob try turn it around on u :mad::mad:

but stick to your instict it is usually right

shelly.m

ohdelightful wrote: »

i totally agree with shelly - they'l try wriggle out of everything n prob try turn it around on u :mad::mad:

but stick to your instict it is usually right

yup you have it down to a t ,if somethings seems not right forget it;)

PCPhoto

not wishing to stirr things up - but there is a chance that this guy enjoyed talking to this girl and only see's her as a friend.

I have had a similar situation where my GF (at the time) didnt appreciate that I enjoy chatting online to other females and in an attempt to satisfy her .... I allowed her to delete anyone she didnt like from my bebo/facebook .... she deleted some on my bebo didnt go near facebook (I guess maybe she realised that it doesnt mean anything)

Despite my assurances - she didnt trust me....the relationship ended and I eventually deleted my bebo - and have lost contact with my "friends" online.

I may be wierd but I dont see a friend of the opposite sex as a threat.... anyway - OP .... if you know this girl why not ask her, your boyfriend might feel neglected and may be seeking attention.

TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND !!!

LegacyUser

I'd be upset that he lied in the first place. If it's all so harmless, he should have told you he had a pint with her or that they'd been in touch with each other.

I've been through a similar situation in the past and you try to convince yourself that maybe you have it wrong (because that's what you want to believe). But if he can't be honest with you, how are you meant to trust him? If he loved you enough, he'd have no problem keeping clear of the other girl knowing how it would affect your relationship.

Sounds like he has a thing for her and when you were hot on his trail, he wriggled his way out of it (maybe because nothing intimate had happened between them yet and he wanted you there as his safety net). And now, things have probably progressed further (i.e. they're meeting up for drinks and God knows what else)... SO, I'd say if something hasn't happened with them, then it's about to. Either way, he's not thinking of you or your feelings when he's spinning his web of lies or when he's out enjoying this other girls company. Usually lies = hiding something or being deceitful (or both).

I hope you get to the truth soon and have the strangth to leave him. You deserve so much better!!!!