How to stop having feelings for someone

LegacyUser

I was wondering how do you stop having feelings for someone basically I work with this girl that I really like.Her boyfriend broke up with her last year and shes now going out with one of her ex's friends.She is very friendly towards me but only in a friends way and she asked me out for drinks recently but was shocked when she turned up with this new guy.I feel a little used as he plays in a band and it seems it was only to keep her company while he was playing .Lets just say I wont be going out with her under these circumstances again its tearing me up inside

Wibbs

Time. Realising that these feelings, while strong are one sided and ultimately under your control. Maximum avoidance of the subject of your feelings. Getting your own head together and meeting someone new that can return those feelings. Time's the biggy, though you can either wait around for it to happen or hurry it along.

MonicaBing

What Wibbs said...spot on. Its possible that this gal may have picked up on your feelings for her and may be utilising it to her advantage. But im well impressed that your aware of this and your in control of your emotions.

Pull back and concentrate on being friends with her, what's meant for you wont pass you pet;)

Elessar

Wibbs wrote: »

Time. Realising that these feelings, while strong are one sided and ultimately under your control. Maximum avoidance of the subject of your feelings. Getting your own head together and meeting someone new that can return those feelings. Time's the biggy, though you can either wait around for it to happen or hurry it along.

Sorry I don't agree. You cannot control how you feel.

The only way to "stop" having feelings for someone is to cut contact and give it time. Out of sight out of mind. But it is not a conscious decision, like a switch.

LegacyUser

I agree with MonicaBing that she may know you have a crush on her and may be using you. I know someone like that and she is quite a ruthless nasty person deep down who plays everyone. Stay away from her as much as possible and you'll get over her with time as people have said. Let someone else be her sucker.

Wibbs

Elessar wrote: »

Sorry I don't agree. You cannot control how you feel.

I did say ultimately. Plus if the OP takes himself away from the emotively charged situation, he will feel less than if he were in it. That alone is control of the feeling. Or he could chose to wallow in it which would be control in another direction.

IMHO I do feel people think they can't control their feelings at all. Of course you can't just flick a switch, but I would say you can, to a greater degree than you may think(outside of people with a clinical mental illness, obviously). Feelings are thoughts like any others, they're often just less obvious and they have a mechanism behind them. So if you change the mechanism, you can ultimately change the feeling, or let it die away. Conscious control basically.

Now strong feelings have a trajectory over time, but in 90% cases feelings ease off, including extreme grief. You have some choice over how long those feelings take over your life to an unhealthy degree. The initial strong feelings of loss and rejection the OP has felt are pretty much unavoidable, but, he can take steps to make those feelings die a lot more quickly than if he sits there, gives up and mopes over it.

Caked Karen

in similar position to OP.... its hard and i wont lie am totally struggling.
i know that we are friends and thats they way it is [we've had the talk!] but i don't want to have any feelings for anyone else...i know it might sound sad to say that but...

as the song goes "they say time heals everything but i'm still waiting"

LegacyUser

Would it be a bad idea to tell her how I felt?

LegacyUser

If I knew the answer to this post I wouldnt be completely headwrecked too. Im completely crazy about a guy I work with too and its to the point I wish I never met him cos then I wouldnt feel like this, I think about him all the time and would give anything not to like him because its completely doing my head in! I guess there will come a point where I will look back and laugh and so oh yeah remember him!

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

Would it be a bad idea to tell her how I felt?

My humble would be to say nothing. I really can't see how telling her would help. She apparently only sees you as a mate, if she didn't something would have happened when she was single,but now she's going with someone else. If she liked you the chances are pretty good she wouldnt have shown up with him in tow to meet you.

Munster_Gal

if the feelings are one sided then you need to walk away from the situation. it's gonna drive you nuts!!

Caked Karen

OP, i told the guy how i felt and it went fine. he appreciated me telling him and we've had talks about it. deep down, im hoping something will one day happen but at the end of the day he only sees me as a friend which comes back to the....how do i get over him and the whole not sure if i want to get over saga...

You can control how you feel actually.
It takes effort though.
1.Effort to occupy your mind with enough to distract you and 2.Effort to avoid the person you are liking with a capital A for Avoid.
3. and this is obvious the Effort involved in getting under someone else in order to get over someone else.

Number 1 and number 3 may amount to the same thing.

OP-there are a lot of very lovely people in this world willing to help you with 1 and 3

who007

Deleted User wrote: »

You can control how you feel actually.
It takes effort though.
1.Effort to occupy your mind with enough to distract you and 2.Effort to avoid the person you are liking with a capital A for Avoid.
3. and this is obvious the Effort involved in getting under someone else in order to get over someone else.

Number 1 and number 3 may amount to the same thing.

OP-there are a lot of very lovely people in this world willing to help you with 1 and 3

I agree with this.. plus focus on the bad things about her when you think of her. It won't make you dislike her but will temper your feelings a little. And don't say there's nothing bad about her cos there is about all of us. If you think there isn't then you are not being realistic about her as a person..

Munster_Gal

who007 wrote: »

I agree with this.. plus focus on the bad things about her when you think of her. It won't make you dislike her but will temper your feelings a little. And don't say there's nothing bad about her cos there is about all of us. If you think there isn't then you are not being realistic about her as a person..

might apply this to my own issue - good advice who007

LegacyUser

A lot of people here saying "walk away"... "break away"... "that's the answer".
Not so easy if you spend 8 hours + a day in the same workplace, which sounds like the situation the OP is in. What should you do, avoid all work-related social events, never go for lunch with colleagues, call in sick? Quit your job?

OP - you're not alone, far from it I reckon.

Last poster - good advice - unfortunately I'm genuinely struggling to find "bad points" apart from the fact she has a boyfriend since the year dot

clones1980

You should also read "Stop thinking, start living" by Richard Carlson i think, Excellent book with loads of advice.