Paranoia about cheating

LegacyUser

Hopefully someone can advise me on how to change this behaviour!

I have been with my bf for over 5 years, and I am paranoid about cheating. It's killing me because I know that he would never cheat on me and hasn't in the past. I am an extreme worrier and I play these scenarios in my head about finding him with another girl, or getting a call from another woman about it. I check his texts from time to time (I know it's awful) and never find anything questionable.

We have a great relationship and love each other very much so I don't know why I feel like this. I can't help it and I really want to stop feeling like this because it's really eating me up and my imagination just runs wild.

He doesn't know I feel like this - I don't want him to know because then he'll think i don't trust him but I do. I don't worry when he goes on nights out and I don't think he would do anything it's just this fear I have.

There was an incident about 4 years ago when we weren't together long where he engaged in flirty texting with a girl and I found out. He didn't follow through on anything but it hurt me deeply so maybe this is the reason?

LegacyUser

hi again. Dont know if this makes any difference but in a way if he is cheating that means I've been right all along with the paranoia, so maybe that's why I can't stop feeling like this. It's as if I'm waiting to be proved right.

Please help I'm going out of my mind with this.

tinkerbell

Ok, so you're together five years but you are paranoid he will cheat even though you know he wouldn't ... you just sound very insecure to be honest ...?

If you're together five years, then surely you know each other quite a bit and can talk about anything. Why don't you speak to him? Just tell him that you're paranoid but know he wouldn't cheat yet you can't help having these feelings and it's driving you mad. I'm sure he cares about you and wouldn't want you to be worrying unnecessarily.

Also bring up the thing that happened in the past - that's probably where this worry is coming from. I'm sure if you discuss it then your worries will be put at rest.

cantdecide

+1

Talk to him about how insecure you feel. It may not help your feelings but it can't hurt...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

We are usually good at discussing things, but for this I am worried that if I tell him my fears he will think 'o but she thinks I'm going to cheat anyway.. may as well do it'. I know that's crazy but here we are.

I don't want him to think I don't trust him because I do. It's my own insecurity obviously that is making me this way and I don't want that to infect us and worry him then. I don't want him to worry about going out or speaking to girls - he should be able to do that and I know he doesn't cross the line.

It's me who has the problem and I don't know how to deal with it. I do think it's because of what happened before - I never dealt with that properly I suppose and I'm worried that it could happen again maybe?

I'm playing these scenarios so that I'll know what to do if it ever happens - a plan i suppose. This is just so unfair on him though because he is a decent person and he would be horrified to hear that i feel like this and I really don't want him to know that i do.

Is there any way to make me stop feeling like this without telling him?

cantdecide

If you're both very open then why can't you discuss this?

Firstly, on a practical level, even if he were looking for an excuse to cheat then knowing you were hyper sensitized to it would act as a deterrent, surely. If he doesn't know the meaning of cheating then why would he be horrified?? It would surely be as horrifying to him as accusing him of being Martian.

If you have a problem then both of you have a problem. Would he prefer to find out that you've been in pain and wouldn't tell him. I would be more horrified by that. I would think to myself 'we've always discussed things- why wouldn't she tell me'.

I wouldn't suggest you do anything that you really weren't comfortable with but if I were you, I'd psyche myself up to get it out in the open...

LegacyUser

Why the paranoia now? Is the bf behaving in a different way at the moment, that's giving rise to suspicions?

LegacyUser

Maybe he is cheating and it is a premonition??
Otherwise you will lose him if you continue to think those silly thoughts!
You're driving yourself to insanity by the sounds of things....just chill out and talk to him.

chillywilly

can i ask if you ever cheated on him? honestly? My girlfriend once made a good point about her friend who was in a relationship. She said the boyfriend was very suspicious of his girlfriend but it was himwho was actually cheating. My point is, if you cheated on him then you will think that he might have done it too.

If you havnt then maybe it is just an insecurity on your part?

chillywilly

can i ask if you ever cheated on him? honestly? My girlfriend once made a good point about her friend who was in a relationship. She said the boyfriend was very suspicious of his girlfriend but it was him who was actually cheating. My point is, if you cheated on him then you will think that he might have done it too.

If you havnt then maybe it is just an insecurity on your part?