Single. Want to have fun.

Copper23

Hi,
I psoted before so I wont tell the whole story. I'm 24 male and single for last 2 years.

I go out a lot, I try to dress wella nd look ok and smell good but ZERO women want to talk to me. My ex broke up with me by scoring some guy at the bar cos she was annoyed at me over something. I am still shattered cos I cant understand how to do it.
I read the thread about people going out looking for NS sex and stuff... I don't even know what I want at this stage, no strings or a rlationship... I just want some human contact... I'd love a nice girl to share my life with.

I go out a lot but nothing works. Girls NEVER approach me like the hot guys. When I muster to courage they look so uninterested and bored and just want me to leave, if they respond at all.

One girl started dancing with me a little last night but her friend quickly stopped me telling me she only doing it cos she's drunk....
If they're drunk they dont know what they're doing and theyll never remember you. If they're sober they think all guys are after sex and want you to go away. I just dont understand it. Its eating me up that she didnt even break up with me before getting new guy, it is that easy for somep people. Its 2 years, I just want to move on and meet someone new and enjoy my life.

I'd love help. I really cant figure this out despite so muich trying.

beks101

The pub and club scene is fickle so you have to remember that if you're using it as your only port of call.
Sure, you can meet someone, but you've got that drunken sleazebag stereotype working against you and for the most part it's gonna be hard to get to know someone beyond a superficial level when the music is pumping and alcohol is flowing.

I'll say what most people are going to say - why not expand your options? Online dating would be one way, a new hobby would be another.
Mainly I'd say just talk to girls more - at work, when you're out, on the street etc. Don't do it with a view to a relationship, talk to them as you would your male friends, make idle conversation, make new friends. The more female friends you have, the more females you will come into contact with, and the greater your chances of meeting someone you like without having to wing it on a dance floor and ultimately be disappointed.

Its eating me up that she didnt even break up with me before getting new guy, it is that easy for somep people.

Some people, male and female, are selfish, thoughtless and don't seem to care about hurting people. You happened to be with one of them. Don't take it personally, and be glad you're rid of her sooner rather than later.

I know everyone always says this, but clubs are not a good place to meet people. Hook up, yes, but to find a meaningful relationship, not so much. The mixture of the drink and the noise (can't hear what the other person is saying!) and whatever else just isn't appealing. You would be much better off trying to meet someone in a more casual setting. Even a house party would be a lot better than a club, or a course or some sort of group. I met my ex in college, my current bf on a TEFL course, in both cases I got to know them and became friends first. I don't know what your interests are but I met loads of guys volunteering with kids, climbing and doing capoeira.

I know it's hard when you're sick of being single, but maybe stop trying so hard and try to meet women as friends first. You're only 24, there's no hurry or anything. You don't want to come across as desperate, better to play it cool and get people to notice you first

Copper23

I've tried online dating but no girls ever reply to messages. Makes me think I'm ugly even more.

I've done classes asnd stuff but you get very frew girls in their early mid twenties doing these kinda things in reality and non have ever been interested in me here either.

Girls in work don't like me in that way, I'm just the "friend". In reality its not like your gonna meet someone on the street.

She was able to pick up as guy so fast at the bar, everyone I know does it. I need to be like that. It's killing me. If I was a good guy it would be easy but I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Treat them kinda mean. Don't try to flatter them. Go out with the intention of amusing yourself, not scoring some girl. When you amuse yourself (and bring 2/3 mates along with ya too, makes it easier) you look like you're having fun... and a guy having fun is appealing.

DON'T appear needy - you don't 'need' a girl. If one is lucky enough to talk to you, well lucky her! If she goes away, then her loss. Remember, you're a prize, so act like one. Don't act like the first girl to show you interest is some kind of goddess, or that you're lucky.

Treat 'em mean to keep 'em keen. People want what they think they can't have,

Copper23

I dont have the abundance to do that.

I dont talk to any girls, they dont want to talk to me. I dont know what is it so its hard to be nice or mean or anything if I dont talk with them in the first place. I dont seem to be good enough in any way for any girls. I'm ready to give up , ill never be normal and happy

Cianos

Your confidence is shattered because of how your last relationship ended. But you shouldn't let the selfish acts of one person ruin your life. There are plenty of girls out there, you just have to be confident in yourself first and then the rest will fall in to place. Don't freak out about how you are performing...most guys fail most of the time, it's just the way it is. And acting and appearing so desperate is just going to turn girls straight off. Take some time for yourself, relax, enjoy the time you spend with friends etc. Don't always be thinking of what you don't have. Make friendly talk with girls you meet out, but don't go into it with the mindset that it is a reflection of who you are as a person. Easier said than done I know, but really there is no reason or point in you pulling your hair out because you don't have a girlfriend.

G-Money

Howdy Copper,

I kind of understand where you are coming from. You sound like you have quite low self esteem. I am in the same boat. I often think I'm not worthy, that no girl will look at me, etc etc.

I do remember one realisation that I had a while back that kind of made me cop on to myself. I don't know if you watch that TV show called Scrubs? Well I was watching it and yer man Ted was on screen. He's the really depressed lawyer guy. For some reason I thought to myself "jeez, who would want to hang around with someone like that?". I felt that's how I came across to others. Whether I did or not is irrelevant, it made me say to myself that I have to try and start being more positive and not talk bad about myself. I still do it from time to time, but I'm trying to eliminate it.

The second thing, don't treat women like goddesses, or put them on a pedastal. If you do that, it's a "road to no town" as my father would say. Kind of treat them like you would your friends, tease them, make fun of them. Obviously normal social rules apply, don't be rude or offensive. But a bit of teasing works well. The next thing is that you have to stand out from the crowd. If you think about it, any half decent looking woman is going to get approached loads of times on a night out. You need to come across as different from all the other losers who will pester her. How do you stand out? First of all, dress well, wear something unique. I don't mean go out looking like a clown, but dress well and wear something unique that will get you noticed. I often wear a white tie on nights out and it usually gets me some attention and girls approach me. And no, I'm not some stud either. I'm borderline ok looking and overweight (about 17 stone).

Approaching a girl is hard, no doubt about it. It doesn't help if they act all bitchy and rude. In that case, just say in your mind "Next". Also, try not to go up with the standard interview questions like "whats your name, do you come here often...". That's what most other guys do so that is definitely what you DON'T want to do.

You basically just need to let your personality through but it can be hard if you are shy, or lacking confidence. Again I know this as I suffer from the same thing.

I'd also advise against offering to buy her a drink right off the bat. Let's be honest, there are girls who will go out and use guys to get free drinks all night long. So don't offer to buy her a drink, chat to her and see if you get on and if you feel like it, do it then. Also if a girl is giving you stick, she is testing you to see how you respond. The only way to respond is to be completely un-reactive and not let it phase you. If you get all rattled and nervous she will lose interest. But if you don't care and show a willingness to walk away, you are in with a better shot.

Like I said, don't be afraid to be a bit cheeky and being funny is always good. I don't mean act like a dancing monkey to entertain them, but being witty and making her laugh is always good.

As for what you say when you approach, again don't go with the standard "interview" questions, they can come later if you get on well. You could go in and just say "hey, so are you having a good night?". And remember to smile. I used to think I had the worlds worst smile and I recently have been told it's actually quite good. So remember to use it. You will come across as warm, friendly and fun. If you do, why wouldn't they at least be polite and curteous for a while? So you can ask about their night, tell them about your day, any interesting stories and things that have happened to you in your life. Be careful not to boast though. Some guys make the mistake of saying "oh I did this and did that, and I earn this and earned that and had so many girls". That doesn't work.

I know this is hard, but you will kick yourself if you keep going the way you are going and 10 years later, nothing has changed.

Regarding internet dating, it can be hit and miss but here are my tips. Only message girls you think seem interesting. Some girls will put the most boring profile up that you will ever see. They might put one or two lines that says nothing about them whatsoever. Again don't go with the standard crap that every other guy does. Instead, look and read her profile and comment on something in it. That proves you actually read it. Be funny and be different, if they don't reply, f*** it. Operate the same principle as in the pub "Next!".

Remember, they are just people and there's no shortage of them around. Half of the problem these days is the scarecity mentality. As if the world is running out of single women. It's not!

Good luck dude, hope some of this helps.

Wagon

Treat them like mates when you meet them. Crack jokes and slag each other off. Have a buzz. You'll get along with everyone then.

A lot of lads who pull girls in the space of 20 minutes are actually arseholes. That's the reason so many women are hostile on a night out. I can't blame them, but a lot of times the nice blokes get the bad end of it. Don't get too bogged down mate. Your ex was a bitch for doing that but there's a lot of nice women out there too. You just have to let them find you.

hupyago

a lot of fellas pick up a hobby or something to impress girls like a sport or musical instrument
I suppose its about confidence
if you feel good and are not bothered they'll pick up on that
if you're sending out good vibes practically everyone will warm to you
I still think there should be a singles boards user network on social.ie or suchlike t'would be a roaring sucess
you notice lots of nice girls on boards just a pity you can't rendevous very easily
I suppose not being obsessive about this or anything would make it easier
I reckon it's about meeting the right person at the right time

Copper23

Another weekend comes and goes. Nothing changes. Nobody would speak to me when out no matter how much I just ejoyed myself anfd jut tried to chat without expecting any out come.

I have the decnet job, I have plenty interests and hobbies, I'm on the go non stop during the week it seems.

Yet nobody whatsoever thinks I'm worthy of them.I cant figure where I'm going so wrong.

I wish there was a class in this.

corkie

Copper23 wrote: »

Hi,
I psoted before so I wont tell the whole story. I'm 24 male and single for last 2 years.
I'd love help. I really cant figure this out despite so muich trying.

At your age I was very shy, immature and lonely guy. So know where your coming from. Your going to get allot of advice on here that it's going to very hard for you to adjust to.

Putting dating and scoring out of your mind for while, and just talk and listen to women. Treat them as equals. Just have some conversations with your female colleagues at work. To break your shyness and you'll find it easier to mingle.

Your work colleagues maybe out of the question, but they may have single friends, but you need to let your work colleagues get to know you before they will even recommend you.

Copper23

Its just that, without a huge explaination I think the only way for me to meet someone is to meet them from a cold approach, someone I have to approach to get to know. I don't have the social circle that provides girls.

Girls I know are ok. I mean they'll chat to you like your just a regular guy. When I go out, if I try to chat to anyone they are so bitchy and mean. Sure, I can see their point if it makes guys stop trying to chat them up but how else do you do it. I've never come across a girl who was just pleasant and easy to chat to in this situation, like people are as your friends.

lynsalot

Hey Cooper, I think you should try looking online. It takes the awkwardnes out of the first meet and you can get to "know" someone a little before meeting up. It's all about perserverence - and you need to stop looking at it as meeting a gf. You need to just see it as making new friends. Go on a few dates and enjoy yourself. The thing is you won't meet someone if you're looking for them - as cruel as that is.

I would always talk to someone - unless they were rude or something - I've never been one of those girls who are rude to guys in nightclubs. Although the last time I was chatted up I spoke to the guy and he noticed I had an engagement ring and got p'd off and cursed at me for wasting his time lol u can't win eh?

lpool2k05

grandmaster wrote: »

Howdy Copper,

I kind of understand where you are coming from. You sound like you have quite low self esteem. I am in the same boat. I often think I'm not worthy, that no girl will look at me, etc etc.

I do remember one realisation that I had a while back that kind of made me cop on to myself. I don't know if you watch that TV show called Scrubs? Well I was watching it and yer man Ted was on screen. He's the really depressed lawyer guy. For some reason I thought to myself "jeez, who would want to hang around with someone like that?". I felt that's how I came across to others. Whether I did or not is irrelevant, it made me say to myself that I have to try and start being more positive and not talk bad about myself. I still do it from time to time, but I'm trying to eliminate it.

The second thing, don't treat women like goddesses, or put them on a pedastal. If you do that, it's a "road to no town" as my father would say. Kind of treat them like you would your friends, tease them, make fun of them. Obviously normal social rules apply, don't be rude or offensive. But a bit of teasing works well. The next thing is that you have to stand out from the crowd. If you think about it, any half decent looking woman is going to get approached loads of times on a night out. You need to come across as different from all the other losers who will pester her. How do you stand out? First of all, dress well, wear something unique. I don't mean go out looking like a clown, but dress well and wear something unique that will get you noticed. I often wear a white tie on nights out and it usually gets me some attention and girls approach me. And no, I'm not some stud either. I'm borderline ok looking and overweight (about 17 stone).

Approaching a girl is hard, no doubt about it. It doesn't help if they act all bitchy and rude. In that case, just say in your mind "Next". Also, try not to go up with the standard interview questions like "whats your name, do you come here often...". That's what most other guys do so that is definitely what you DON'T want to do.

You basically just need to let your personality through but it can be hard if you are shy, or lacking confidence. Again I know this as I suffer from the same thing.

I'd also advise against offering to buy her a drink right off the bat. Let's be honest, there are girls who will go out and use guys to get free drinks all night long. So don't offer to buy her a drink, chat to her and see if you get on and if you feel like it, do it then. Also if a girl is giving you stick, she is testing you to see how you respond. The only way to respond is to be completely un-reactive and not let it phase you. If you get all rattled and nervous she will lose interest. But if you don't care and show a willingness to walk away, you are in with a better shot.

Like I said, don't be afraid to be a bit cheeky and being funny is always good. I don't mean act like a dancing monkey to entertain them, but being witty and making her laugh is always good.

As for what you say when you approach, again don't go with the standard "interview" questions, they can come later if you get on well. You could go in and just say "hey, so are you having a good night?". And remember to smile. I used to think I had the worlds worst smile and I recently have been told it's actually quite good. So remember to use it. You will come across as warm, friendly and fun. If you do, why wouldn't they at least be polite and curteous for a while? So you can ask about their night, tell them about your day, any interesting stories and things that have happened to you in your life. Be careful not to boast though. Some guys make the mistake of saying "oh I did this and did that, and I earn this and earned that and had so many girls". That doesn't work.

I know this is hard, but you will kick yourself if you keep going the way you are going and 10 years later, nothing has changed.

Regarding internet dating, it can be hit and miss but here are my tips. Only message girls you think seem interesting. Some girls will put the most boring profile up that you will ever see. They might put one or two lines that says nothing about them whatsoever. Again don't go with the standard crap that every other guy does. Instead, look and read her profile and comment on something in it. That proves you actually read it. Be funny and be different, if they don't reply, f*** it. Operate the same principle as in the pub "Next!".

Remember, they are just people and there's no shortage of them around. Half of the problem these days is the scarecity mentality. As if the world is running out of single women. It's not!

Good luck dude, hope some of this helps.

What a great post!!!Agree with everything said!

idontknowmyname

What about friends of friends? A club isn't the best place to find someone you can have a relationship with. I know this is a cliche, but you will find someone when you stop looking or trying as hard, just be confident, have fun and relax!

Copper23

My friends and work with mainly guys. The few girls isn't a large pool of single females. They are all taken themselves so its not an avenue I have to go down.

I know bar and club has to be the way as if its not someone new then it'll be nobody. Besides, my ex and my guy friends score every night in clubs. I just need to know what they have.

Wagon

Copper23 wrote: »

I know bar and club has to be the way as if its not someone new then it'll be nobody. Besides, my ex and my guy friends score every night in clubs. I just need to know what they have.

I think it's a certain type of confidence. One where you walk up to someone not really caring if you make a good impression or get a phone number. In other words you dont really give a bollocks if you make a good impression. Don't compare yourself to your ex though, women have a far easier time scoring than lads.

Polleta

What they have is a little bit of bravado and some confidence.

Personally I've never ever started a relationship with a stranger I met in a club or bar.
It has been mainly through friendswith the exception of one relationship when we got chatting in a neutral setting away from alcohol and loud music.

The best advice I can give has already been said. Approach a girl with a witty comment and a smile. These are the guys I am likely to have a chat with.
Approach a girl who perhaps smiles in your direction and looks open to being chatted up. I generally would chat to guys on a night out at the bar while waiting to be served. This could be a good start.. doesn't have to lead to anything but would be a starting point. Make a joke about I dunno it being quicker to brew a pint that get one in here tonight.

Baby steps to build up your confidence and you will get there.

Best of luck

dblennon

I didn't read all of grandmasters bit but i'm sure it's similar.

I'm going to be harsh, but when this was explained to me it made a huge difference.

you have to get off your high horse you don't have the right to expect people to just come and talk to you, you see yourself in the "i'm a nice guy I deserve a nice girl mode" that just isn't going to work.

You need to know that its hard (v.v.v. hard to just start talking to a girl a club and build a rapore) so don't think like that just go out and enjoy YOURSELF and remember that girls will reject you so who gives a **** move onto the next one

"if you keep doing what you have always done, you'll keep getting what you have always got"

the dublin night scene is particularily difficult to break because it's quite clicky you you have to doubley show that you have no expectations from a girl on a night out.

you sound completely lost in relation to approaching girls so it's hard to say do one thing. I would advise reading "the game" by neil strauss it's not to long and it will just give you an idea and more confidence,

Don't try the Lines they obviously won't work on Irish girls but the other imformation is great for giving people a grounding in the art of attracting women.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Copper23 wrote: »

Its just that, without a huge explaination I think the only way for me to meet someone is to meet them from a cold approach, someone I have to approach to get to know. I don't have the social circle that provides girls.

Girls I know are ok. I mean they'll chat to you like your just a regular guy. When I go out, if I try to chat to anyone they are so bitchy and mean. Sure, I can see their point if it makes guys stop trying to chat them up but how else do you do it. I've never come across a girl who was just pleasant and easy to chat to in this situation, like people are as your friends.

Man, it would do you the world of good to get laid! Get some confidence, and get used to girls.
All this talk of 'regular guys' and how girls are 'mean'... honestly man, it sounds very immature anc childish.

If you find them bitchy and mean, then treat them likewise! That way you're on an equal footing. If you get p1ssy when the girl slags ya, then she see's you're obviously no fun.

I'd recommend Fibber McGees in Dublin on Thursdays... plenty of fairly easy girls who are easy to chat to!

ellie1

Op,

I think you need to put this need to get a girl to the back of your mind for a while. You are still mentioning an ex of two years and how she can pull and how your friends can score, you seem to be very jealous.
Why dont you just go out with your friends and have a good night instead of your main focus being how to pull women or talk to women....It will take the pressure off.
Another thing, remember there is plenty of women out there who are very shy and feel just as awkward as you do talking to men.

biggybum

Cooper23, you really should'nt get yourself down over it. Some lads would kill to be single again out enjoying there freedom. Enjoy it while you can, you'll meet someone when you least expect it. Women are'nt the be all and end all. I put up with the same thing your going through b4 i met my current girlfriend and completely understand your scenario but you need to have the courage to pull back and stop thinking bout it too much or you'll get yourself too worked up and depressed. To my mind your trying too hard !!

Liam Byrne

Copper23 wrote: »

My ex broke up with me by scoring some guy at the bar cos she was annoyed at me over something.

The other posters are right, in that "the scene" can be fickle, but they're definitely not as fickle as your ex! You're WAYYYYYYY better off without someone who'd do that!!!! What a cow!

Considering that as your starting point, your social life can only improve, regardless of where you go!

Keep that in mind to deflect the doubts, and best of luck!