Bulemia - awkward situation

LegacyUser

Hi,
I recently had a friend of a friend move in and rent a room in a shared house with me for a few months. I get on very well with her and if she was here longer I would probably be a friend of hers, but she goes in about six weeks.

Anyway, one of the housemates noticed she gets sick a lot at night. The housemate said it to me out of concern. I previously had a v.close friend with bulemia and tbh, I was very little help with her.

My dilema is I am fairly sure it's not my place to bring it up and discuss it with her. However, I cant tell the friend we both know as he wouldnt have a clue what to do. I dont know her family or any other friends so I cant even raise it with anyone else.

Now, the reason I am posting is because even years later, my close friend who had bulemia still gets upset that I didnt reach out to her more, and claims all she needed was support and such - I am concerned that if I dont offer this to my housemate... she'll be worse for it? Tbh, I am not sure what to say. I think the best thing is to say nothing, but I've got that niggling doubt.

So people of boards.ie... what think ye? Say something and reach out (in some innocent format/non-accusatory*) or say nothing as its not my business?

*She recently left a bit of sick on the toilet accidentally, I could raise the issue out of "Oh were you sick" type thing? I always though people who are bulemic would be more... careful? Oh I dunno! Help!

Kevster

Hi,

It would be best not to approach her directly about it as she would just deny it straight-out and could grow to resent you. It would be better to just tell her that you have noticed that something is 'up' with her recently, but that you are there to help her in whatever she needs. She will probably be taken back by this comment at first, but as she thinks about it over the proceeding days, she may very well open up more to you about it.

Kevin

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thanks for your reply.

So one aspect of it is I dont even know if I want her to open up to me about it. As a result of my close freind reacting really badly I dont want that responsibility again. But then at the same time I'm afraid she does need someone.

Bah.

MelonieHead

OP, it seems the situation is that your housemate may be suffering from bullima but you don't feel close enough to support her through that. Would it be feasible to mention your concerns to a closer friend of hers? It may be possible to put your housemate in touch with someone who will support her without getting involved yourself.

What would you do if the housemate came to you with her problem?

cantdecide

I think this falls into the category of 'you can't make an omlet'. Because you can't confide in a mutual friend, personally, I'd wait until a safe moment and tell her -

'look, whether I'm right or wrong, I'm expecting you to deny it right now. If I'm wrong, great, but if I'm right, I want you know you can come back to me because I want to help you in some way if I can....I think you're suffering from bulimia'.

That's just the way I'd do it but I don't tend to keep things bottled up if I'm worried about someone...

star-pants

If you feel you can't come out and say it, I suggest using either you saw the sick or that you heard her and was wondering if she was unwell. Or you can say you think she seems out of sorts lately and that she knows she can come to you if anythings up.

It's a tricky situation as being blunt doesn't always work with some. But try the gentle approach and see how you get on.

cantdecide

star-pants wrote: »

...I suggest using either you saw the sick or that you heard her...you can say you think she seems out of sorts lately and that she knows she can come to you if anythings up...

I don't disagree strongly. If I knew someone personally, I would make a judgment call. I'd be afraid that if I were too softly, softly, she might just hide it better in future...

star-pants

This is true - too careful with her and she'l back off, too strong and she'll back off.
Judgement call completely - it's just a tough one

LegacyUser

I'd say bring it up with her gently like the other posters have suggested. if she doesnt want to know, then dont push it. i know you want to help her but its her problem, not yours! you can only do so much to help anyone and sometimes, they just dont want to know. ive had experience of trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking so sorry if i seem overly negative! my experience wasnt successful but your situation could be....just want to caution you.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I recently had a friend of a friend move in and rent a room in a shared house with me for a few months. I get on very well with her and if she was here longer I would probably be a friend of hers, but she goes in about six weeks.

Anyway, one of the housemates noticed she gets sick a lot at night. The housemate said it to me out of concern. I previously had a v.close friend with bulemia and tbh, I was very little help with her.

My dilema is I am fairly sure it's not my place to bring it up and discuss it with her. However, I cant tell the friend we both know as he wouldnt have a clue what to do. I dont know her family or any other friends so I cant even raise it with anyone else.

Now, the reason I am posting is because even years later, my close friend who had bulemia still gets upset that I didnt reach out to her more, and claims all she needed was support and such - I am concerned that if I dont offer this to my housemate... she'll be worse for it? Tbh, I am not sure what to say. I think the best thing is to say nothing, but I've got that niggling doubt.

So people of boards.ie... what think ye? Say something and reach out (in some innocent format/non-accusatory*) or say nothing as its not my business?

*She recently left a bit of sick on the toilet accidentally, I could raise the issue out of "Oh were you sick" type thing? I always though people who are bulemic would be more... careful? Oh I dunno! Help!

.

I am a guy and I went thru the eating disorder anorexia and & it is not a nice place.

I was very lucky that a friend I had started work with noticed it when I couldnt change a puncture. He intervened in a very compassionate way and was very supportive in lots of ways.In fact my own family was useless.

So go for it and reach out and be straight about it( your close friend has no right to blame you and I would give her the 2 fingers cept she might use them (gallows humour).

But bulimia is not anorexia and its more difficult to spot as you dont get weight loss as such. The acid wrecks your teeth by eroding enamel and gums etc and you can get throat problems and dehydaration problems.

Be straight up and its best to have back up - like the person who spotted the vomit and people who have heard her .You might say (and dont say its probably none of your business because she will agree). Simply say that you heard her in the bathroom and someone else has spotted vomit and its because of that you are asking.Tell her she is a great person etc but you cannot let it pass.If she is physically ill for another reason she should tell you.

Your bulimic friend can help especially if she can find a good GP who knows about disorders and anti-depressants are used for it. Together with councelling - Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and her GP can refer her. Treatment may not involve hospital stays and may even be covered by her families health insurance.If you get this far offer to go to the GP with her cos its the more difficult of the disorders to explain. The GP part is important and I have had some really great ones.

I hope this helps.

naasface

dont focus on the vomiting or binging etc. ask her how she is emotionally, say are you alright you dont seem yourself or such.
dont diagnose her and bang 'bulimia' at her, it could be a number of things..ive experience with these things and Kevins (poster above) advice is definitely the best here imo. Good luck .

Miss Fluff

A very close friend of mine is bulemic too. She has good days and bad days.

Have a look through this article which will help you on how too approach it and if you do manage to get it out on the open and discuss it with her you should urge her to go for some counselling.

http://www.bodywhys.ie/t.php?c=supporting_someone/family_friends.html

theLoner

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,
I recently had a friend of a friend move in and rent a room in a shared house with me for a few months. I get on very well with her and if she was here longer I would probably be a friend of hers, but she goes in about six weeks.

Anyway, one of the housemates noticed she gets sick a lot at night. The housemate said it to me out of concern. I previously had a v.close friend with bulemia and tbh, I was very little help with her.

My dilema is I am fairly sure it's not my place to bring it up and discuss it with her. However, I cant tell the friend we both know as he wouldnt have a clue what to do. I dont know her family or any other friends so I cant even raise it with anyone else.

Now, the reason I am posting is because even years later, my close friend who had bulemia still gets upset that I didnt reach out to her more, and claims all she needed was support and such - I am concerned that if I dont offer this to my housemate... she'll be worse for it? Tbh, I am not sure what to say. I think the best thing is to say nothing, but I've got that niggling doubt.

So people of boards.ie... what think ye? Say something and reach out (in some innocent format/non-accusatory*) or say nothing as its not my business?

*She recently left a bit of sick on the toilet accidentally, I could raise the issue out of "Oh were you sick" type thing? I always though people who are bulemic would be more... careful? Oh I dunno! Help!

It's not a nice situation you're in. You have to make a call and do something or nothing. If I were you I would confront her directly and tell her the reason you are saying it is because you are genuinely worried and you care. If you take a more neutral approach and ask her if she is okay and tell her she doesn't seem herself recently, I guarantee you she will dismiss it and say she is fine. She may get defensive or upset if you confront her but I bet you in the long-run she'll be very grateful that someone tried to reach out to her. Talking to her might be the kick-in-the-arse that she needs to go get some help. There is a logical voice in her head that you can get through to!

Good luck!

PK2008

This might sound a bit cold but I would stay out of it.

First of all you dont really know her well enough to speak about something so personal, you could easily put your foot in it.

Secondly she's an adult- you're assuming she even needs your help, how do you know she isnt seeing someone about it?

As a temporary housemate-its none of your business, if you were a friend/relation or even a long term housemate then yeh you could approach her but you're more of a casual acquantance then a confidant.

Leave her be unless she says something to you about it

LegacyUser

I think I agree with you PK2008. She is gone soon, she could be seeing someone, it would make a kind of awkward situation worse.
Thanks for the links and the advice all. It was helpful to vent.

xzanti

Yeah I would stay out of it tbh.. As an ex-sufferer I can tell you that she will more than likely deny it.. and may resent you for prying.. I think your friend who said she wanted support was the exception, people who have bulemia generally don't want to discuss it, it's a very private thing and the sufferer will generally do anything in their power to hide/protect their disorder, it becomes like a comfort or a friend to the person.. Unless you're actually concerned that her health/life may be seriously in danger then I don't think you should say anything.. When she is ready she will look for help, but from my experience, you can't make somebody want to get help, they either want it or they don't.. That's just my 2 cents.. People will more than likely disagree with me..

CDfm

xzanti wrote: »

Yeah I would stay out of it tbh.. As an ex-sufferer I can tell you that she will more than likely deny it.. and may resent you for prying.. I think your friend who said she wanted support was the exception, people who have bulemia generally don't want to discuss it, it's a very private thing and the sufferer will generally do anything in their power to hide/protect their disorder

.

There could be lots of physical things wrong with her that can be explained medically if you drag her ass down to a GP. She might be too embarrassed or stupid to go.

If it happened in my house I would be asking questions in a knocking on the door kind of way and saying "are you alright dear -the girls are very worried you have as you are throwing up all the time". I would tell her help is there if she wants it and leave it at that.If she is happy to live like that and lies -accept her explanation and apologise citing bulimiaphobia with your old friend.

On the other hand if she wants help the first port of call is a friendly GP and offer to go in with her and personally explain what has happened to the GP. Ive heard of anorexic/bulimic sports people etc so its not that uncommon and with drinkers etc.

She did arrive for a short stay so talk to her friend and get ask her to say something. If it was your sister or friend you would hope someone would at least be concerned enough to enquire.

xzanti

CDfm wrote: »

.

"are you alright dear -the girls are very worried you have as you are throwing up all the time". .

I can tell you now, a confrontation like that would freak the girl out and make her feel, not only patronised but alienated.. OP if you think you can get her to a doctor, go to Tarek Zouroub on the Malahide Road, he specialises in eating disorders.. Or you could call the Marino Therapy Centre, they were a huge help to me.. But like I said.. Unless she comes looking for help.. IMO, you're p1ssing in the wind.. unfortunately..