Advice on troubled /relationship / reply needed

LegacyUser

hi all looking for wee bit of advice ,
going out with a girl 3 years , living together
off an on my
girlfirend is on about going home , she is not from ireland, so its not that easy on her when she gets a bit down or home sick .
ive told her on many occasions , any time she needs to go home for weekend or week or so she can no probs , as i kinda understand what she might be going through, no family here , an maybe not ,many friiends here, well as she explains not like her real friends back home .
i own my own house an have good stable job . when we argue the topic comes up about she giving up everything to be with me , an its lot easy for me than her, as i have more places ,friends an family around .i accept this an try be as supportive as i can without completely lockng myself into a 1to1 an nothing else relationship , not getting out with my own friends an so on , few pints with lads , or occasional match . etc..

she seems to be depressed alot ,upset , crying ,some time i just dont know what to do , although i love her to bits , im not sure if i can see a life long future in this , i always had plan in my own head , my kids would go to school in same school as me , play for the same sports club etc ... she says she cant see herself growing old where we live ,

am i being selfish ?? should i give up on this now ?? wh\t if in 2or 3 years kids come along an she decides she wants to go home taking the kids with her ,?? am def worse of then .
feel im really stuck between a rock an ahard place , my friends have told me in the past it will be difficult an may not work , but when you in love you are in love , an you wont listen to anybody , only ur gut feeling ..
since these prob have started , our sex life has gone down the swanny ,up to this we ahd a great one..

really need some help on this as i dont know whats going on any more . thanks in advance

username123

Before having kids you really need to sort out where the future physically stands for both of you.

If you want to stay in same place, have kids go to same school etc...thats fine - but if thats not what she wants then that must also be respected.
So you need to have a serious conversation with her.

If she doesnt want to stay where you are and you dont want to go to where she wants to be then it would be kinder for both of you to go your separate ways - otherwise one of you is going to end up feeling hard done by and resentful.

From what you say about her crying, being upset etc... it really sounds like she is not happy. Plus with your sex life gone down the swanny, her not having friends and family around etc... I dont really understand why she stays around - except perhaps the step of breaking away is just too difficult.

I think the pair of you need to thrash it out - not an argument, just a realistic discussion of what you both want out of life and if they are different things and one person is willing to compromise then they have to do so with good grace and no resentment.

LegacyUser

She is in Ireland because she loves you to bits as well. 3 years is kind of the time that things need be taken into reconsideration. she is prob. not sure what she wants. Sees a future with you but doesn't get her head around. Have you ever thought of going to her home country and have your life together there?

She is here because she wants to be here, with you. and in the beginning all is fun and withour worries..but time has come to think about the future

good luck!

CDfm

This is really sad in a way.

There is a recession on and you are doing alright.So you are very independent

She does sound a tad depressed - have you guys talked to anyone.

Does she have any friends here, church group or people from her home country you guys could socialise with say routinely once a week?

Talldarkanhappy

Dont want to flatten your tyres buddy but if she aint settled here after 3 years its not a good sign, I hope you are sure it's her lonliness for home that is the real problem or are you just believeing this for yourself. If you are both in love you should be happy with one anothers company even on a deserted Island, so I have to suggest that you look at the bigger picture and query the relationship deeper.

Hope it works out bud.
Tdh

Unregistered wrote: »

hi all looking for wee bit of advice ,
going out with a girl 3 years , living together
off an on my
girlfirend is on about going home , she is not from ireland, so its not that easy on her when she gets a bit down or home sick .
ive told her on many occasions , any time she needs to go home for weekend or week or so she can no probs , as i kinda understand what she might be going through, no family here , an maybe not ,many friiends here, well as she explains not like her real friends back home .
i own my own house an have good stable job . when we argue the topic comes up about she giving up everything to be with me , an its lot easy for me than her, as i have more places ,friends an family around .i accept this an try be as supportive as i can without completely lockng myself into a 1to1 an nothing else relationship , not getting out with my own friends an so on , few pints with lads , or occasional match . etc..

she seems to be depressed alot ,upset , crying ,some time i just dont know what to do , although i love her to bits , im not sure if i can see a life long future in this , i always had plan in my own head , my kids would go to school in same school as me , play for the same sports club etc ... she says she cant see herself growing old where we live ,

am i being selfish ?? should i give up on this now ?? wh\t if in 2or 3 years kids come along an she decides she wants to go home taking the kids with her ,?? am def worse of then .
feel im really stuck between a rock an ahard place , my friends have told me in the past it will be difficult an may not work , but when you in love you are in love , an you wont listen to anybody , only ur gut feeling ..
since these prob have started , our sex life has gone down the swanny ,up to this we ahd a great one..

really need some help on this as i dont know whats going on any more . thanks in advance

CDfm

Sounds very much like my ex - never wanting to enjoy the now

And how can it be easier for you really - you have to make an effort.

I couldnt do enough for my ex so we moved around a lot - never really happy that woman.

Was home really that happy for her. Does she make an effort?

It might help if you can give more information on what her home was really like.

Joey the lips

Hi OP. imo your partner is feeling 2 things

1. She feels lonely and homesick for her family

2. She likes the life she has her with you. Prob likes the standard of living the comforts etc

So I have no doubt that she is as much in turmoil as you are, The problem is how do you resolve it?

My mom is a clare women my dad is a Dub. My dad always reckoned the worst thing he did was let my mom leave clare cause this was where her social circle was. Although she left she always maintained she was lonely. I think women are more family then men. Its built into men to provide, we feck off around the world and work, once we have an irish pub for the evening we are grand. where as women you never hear of this? I think women are more emotional about home.

If you truly love her have you considered moving to her country. That way you and your future kids can have choices. ie Live in ireland, live in latavia( I am guessing cause they're lovely ladies).

Women tend to socialise quick in work but once social circles are formed it seems hard to get into them. most "foreign" girls are working sh1t unsociable hours so its hard for them to get together.

Tell her what you feel(Provided you feel it) Tell her you love her ask her to give it 2 years(she'll take that as one) and tell her to go out and about with more of her community. I figure you have lost her in anyway so let her socialise more. She might get more relaxed.

otherwise, rent out your home and feck off. Remember if you love her a relationship is easy to start but a good relationship is hard to maintain.

All the best.

LegacyUser

ye sound for all the advice , her job at the moment may be a problem , cut back to 3 days less money , the big R an all .. told her she wouldn have to worry about any of that . that id look after thing
her answer is , she can get job in her country an maybe not have as much money , but be happier , i think she expect me to sell my house an give up the good job i have an move back with her , i simply wont do that ... jesus an start all over again .
in my earl 30s she is mid 20 , i not getting any younger , an the taughts of being on the shelf again or out chasingtail again just dosent appeal to me any more .

i feel im goin to have to be man about it an lay it on the line , any time the subject comes up , i dont want to talk about it or she doesnt .

at the start she intented on only coming here for year or 2 make some money then go home , as love goes she or me didnt plan it , she here 5 years now 3 with me ,