Feel bad about number of partners

LegacyUser

So, to cut a long story short, I have recently been made to feel very bad about my sex life by my mum and several doctors. The thing is, I always thought I was very reserved in that area compared to most people - I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21 (got taken advantage of by a stranger, whole other issue) and then I had a long term boyfriend for 2 years and now at 23 I'm seeing a guy who I haven't slept with yet but have done oral and stuff. Unfortunately, I got HPV from the first guy I was with and developed some abnormalities on my cervix. At the time I was told it wasn't a big deal at and it's very common. So common that it's not really even considered an STD like others are as 7 in 10 men have it. Got totally checked out for STDs as a precaution and all was fine. I have to go and get monitored at the hospital every 6 months and the last time the doctor made a comment about cervical problems being so common in 'people who have multiple partners', meaning me! I didn't think 2 partners at 23 was exactly sleeping around but he made me feel that way. Not long after that my family doctor commented that people wouldn't have these sort of problems if they waited until marriage to have sex, which might be true, but who does that these days? Even if I had waited until marriage, chances are extremely high that my husband wouldn't have and I could have easily got HPV (or anything else) from him!! My mum seems to also be of the opinion that people shouldn't sleep with several different partners before marriage.

I had thought my 'number' was fine, but now I feel sh*tty about it. I'm considering not having sex with the new guy I'm seeing because there's a good chance it might not work out (he lives abroad) and then I'd be onto number 4 already... I suppose I've always had a thing about not wanting to sleep with too many partners, but sometimes circumstances make it difficult/impossible to limit it to one or two. 3 guys in 3 years and losing my virginity at 21 hardly makes me a slapper i don't think but I'm so conflicted now!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you got very unlucky with your doctors, someone who works in the field of sexual health would find them ridiculous for commenting to you like that.

Talk to Derek Friedman, who's probably considered the number 1 sexual health specialist in Ireland, he told me 50% of people in their 20s have had HPV and 90% of women by the time they're 30.

Don't let these experiences get in the way of your sex life, those people were incredibly uninformed/illogical.

Sleepy

Don't let other peoples' antiquated nonsense impinge on your life.

(just realised that this sentence could answer half the threads about sex on this forum! )

beks101

Confuseddd wrote: »

3 guys in 3 years and losing my virginity at 21 hardly makes me a slapper i don't think but I'm so conflicted now!!

Absolutely not. That number is quite low, well below average I would say.

My mother would probably be the same though - the way I see it, she's of a different generation and she's brought her attitude from conservative Ireland with her. Same could probably be said about that family doctor.

Don't obsess about your 'number' - you're a young women who's going to meet guys, if the chemistry is right, you feel good about it and you're protected, go for it. It's a beautiful thing!

username123

Hi OP,
I dont think its a high number at all.

I think its disgraceful that medical professionals would make judgemental comments like that to you - certainly in the case of the 'multiple partners' comment you should have told him to shove it up his ar$e as 2 is hardly 'multiple partners'.

Your family doctor should leave religion outside the workplace (wait until marriage before having sex is a moral viewpoint that comes from old catholic ireland) - if I were you Id definitely change GP at the very least.

The number thing is rubbish anyway, dont bother counting, just enjoy yourself, have sex with whoever you want to, make sure you use protection and dont be worrying about what other people think about anyone elses sex life.

shellyboo

Confuseddd wrote: »

I have to go and get monitored at the hospital every 6 months and the last time the doctor made a comment about cervical problems being so common in 'people who have multiple partners', meaning me!

Meaning lots of people, OP. You took that a bit too personally, I think. Multiple sexual partners is the norm for people your age - you have no reason to feel bad.

Confuseddd wrote: »

Not long after that my family doctor commented that people wouldn't have these sort of problems if they waited until marriage to have sex, which might be true, but who does that these days? Even if I had waited until marriage, chances are extremely high that my husband wouldn't have and I could have easily got HPV (or anything else) from him!! My mum seems to also be of the opinion that people shouldn't sleep with several different partners before marriage.

You're entirely correct here - most people of our generation DO have multiple partners before marriage, and just because you abstain doesn't mean your potential partner would have done the same. Thus landing you with HPV. Which the vasy majority of the sexually active population has anyway. It only takes one time.


Moral of the story: Don't take sexual advice from your mother, or your family doctor. Doctors, yes... family doctor who's been treating you since you were little? No. Family doctors will treat you like the child they see you as, in my experience. From now on, take your sexual problems to a specialist women's health clinic or sexual health clinic. I guarantee you this will make you feel better - as sexual health specialists wouldn't bat an eyelid at two partners or HPV. It's perfectly normal.

And your mother is your mother. She's never going to approve of you having sex... your HPV is just a way of her expressing this in a somewhat valid way.

Confuseddd wrote: »

I had thought my 'number' was fine, but now I feel sh*tty about it. I'm considering not having sex with the new guy I'm seeing because there's a good chance it might not work out (he lives abroad) and then I'd be onto number 4 already... I suppose I've always had a thing about not wanting to sleep with too many partners, but sometimes circumstances make it difficult/impossible to limit it to one or two. 3 guys in 3 years and losing my virginity at 21 hardly makes me a slapper i don't think but I'm so conflicted now!!

Your number IS fine! Don't let it affect your sex life. It's your body and your choice - if a certain doctor makes you feel bad, find another doctor who's more realistic about young peoples' sexual practices. You shouldn't be 'limiting your number', your 'number' is no-one's business but your own anyway.

CDfm

Unlucky thats all and what are you doing talking to your Mum about your sex life?

You are not sisters build a barrier up there.

Cant understand why women do that.

Your doctors sound great

Liam Byrne

The "number" in isolation is irrelevant; it's about when, who and why.....

Two or three a year wouldn't be anywhere near overkill, in my opinion; and if you were with them because you liked them but things just didn't work out, then that's no-one's fault.

Yes, the older generation would have said not to sleep with anyone until you know it will work out (and anyone who still thinks that way is entitled to) but 3 in 3 years is perfectly normal, and probably even low.

Quit fretting and live life; you're not a slapper by any stretch of the imagination, and in terms of having fun without going OTT, it sounds like you've an OK, balanced attitude.

As someone once said : if you don't drink, smoke and have sex, it's not that you live longer; it just feels like it!

Wagon

Confuseddd wrote: »

the last time the doctor made a comment about cervical problems being so common in 'people who have multiple partners', meaning me! I didn't think 2 partners at 23 was exactly sleeping around but he made me feel that way. Not long after that my family doctor commented that people wouldn't have these sort of problems if they waited until marriage to have sex, which might be true, but who does that these days?

Religious nutters.

2 people is nothing. There's nothing wrong with it at all. Get a new doctor, telling you that isn't medical advice, it's just bollocks.

krudler

Not a high number at all, wouldnt worry about it, its actually nice to be with a girl who hasnt slept around, thats just me though

Lollipops23

it really gets me annoyed when i hear of medical professionals being so backward in their information on sexual health.if they're that old fashioned they should be retired.

2 people,that's less than most people i know(me included!). seriously,HPV isn't even classified as a STD,it's like them blaming thrush on sex!

don't let the attitude of one awful Dr and your mum(who's never gonna support pre marital nookie) get you down, you're perfectly normal!

Otis Driftwood

When I opened this thread I was expecting something in the region of 50+ sexual partners.3????Jeez OP you have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.Read some of the other threads on here,some people could knock that out in a week never mind 20+ years.As others have said,get a new doctor and stop being so hard on yourself.

krudler

CDfm wrote: »

Unlucky thats all and what are you doing talking to your Mum about your sex life?

You are not sisters build a barrier up there.

Cant understand why women do that.

Your doctors sound great

Unless you are one you cant really comment on it can you? I know a few girls who are pretty open about their sex life with their mothers, not the grisly details but at least comfortable about talking about it

Lollipops23

CDfm wrote: »

Unlucky thats all and what are you doing talking to your Mum about your sex life?

if i had to attend hospital on a regular basis my mum would notice and enquire,and if i refused to tell her she'd assume a) i had the clap or b) i was up the pole.better to be honest!

Dudess

But you obviously haven't been sleeping around whatsoever so those doctors and your mum are wrong about you. Just because they assume you've been sleeping around doesn't mean your number of partners is high - it's anything but.

Loss of virginity at 21 with a boyfriend (I wouldn't even be including your first experience) and one guy since - that is about as far from sleeping around as the North Pole is from the South Pole. Can't believe the attitude of the doctors especially - they're trained not to judge. They're being very presumptuous by assuming you're sleeping around (not the case) and not considering the possibility you may have caught it from one person (the case).

So you've absolutely nothing to feel bad about - if anything it seems your attitude to sex has been skewed by the docs, your mother and that first person you had sex with, as something dirty and to be ashamed about. Seriously, make yourself stop thinking that way - it does not apply.

CDfm

Lollipops23 wrote: »

if i had to attend hospital on a regular basis my mum would notice and enquire,and if i refused to tell her she'd assume a) i had the clap or b) i was up the pole.better to be honest!

Its a myob issue and off limits issue.

Let her think what she want's & you wont need to justify yourself.

We all go thru it to some extent - Im careful with my Mum cos she blabs personal stuff to friends that to me is private & justifies it.

Much nicer to be talking about other stuff with your Mum.

Munster_Gal

Hi OP
That number is well below average. you have nothing to be ashamed of. Tell your mother to mind her own business!!