Does the urge to 'play the field' ever go away?

LegacyUser

Hey.

With my current girlfriend around 9 months or so, and I'm deliriously happy with her. In every sense. Emotionally, physically, sexually... she's amazing.

But there's a problem. I was in a two year relationship prior to this. Broke up with my ex, and immediately hooked up with a girl who I seen for about six weeks. Really we were just sleeping together, though we did develop some feelings, before I ended it.

Straight after ending it with that girl, I met my current girl, and we hit it off and the rest is history.

Lately though I've got such an urge to sleep with other girls, as I get hit on quite a lot when I'm out - something I wasn't used to in the past. I've not slept with many girls, and part of me feels like I've missed out.

I love my girlfriend, but I can't help flirting with these girls when I'm out and sometimes engaging in sexy texting with them. I feel really guilty about this, as I know its so unfair to my girlfriend.

Will these feelings go away? My main fear is that they won't and I'll end up having to break up with her down the line to go 'sow mt oats' anyways, and it'll hurt her very badly.

I really feel crap about this. Please help.

Thanks.

Stheno

confusedboy77 wrote: »

Hey.

1. With my current girlfriend around 9 months or so, and I'm deliriously happy with her. In every sense. Emotionally, physically, sexually... she's amazing.


2. Lately though I've got such an urge to sleep with other girls, as I get hit on quite a lot when I'm out - something I wasn't used to in the past. I've not slept with many girls, and part of me feels like I've missed out.

3. I love my girlfriend, but I can't help flirting with these girls when I'm out and sometimes engaging in sexy texting with them. I feel really guilty about this, as I know its so unfair to my girlfriend.
Will these feelings go away? My main fear is that they won't and I'll end up having to break up with her down the line to go 'sow mt oats' anyways, and it'll hurt her very badly.

I really feel crap about this. Please help.Thanks.

Imo, the bits I've bolded in 1. and 2. are contradictory, if you love your girlfriend as you describe, then whilst you might think about other people, or even develop small crushes on them, you'd not want to sleep with them imo.

As for the 3rd bit in bold, you are already cheating on your girlfriend at some level.

You need to sit back and decide if you want to catch up on what you think you've missed out, or if your girlfriend really means as much to you as you say.

emwem

I know how you feel about this situation. Up until 2 months ago, i was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I would tend to go out a lot more with him, and enjoy male attention, engage in harmless flirting etc. It made me feel good about myself. However I happened to give my number to one guy and sent back and forth a few flirty text messages. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks later, realising there was something missing in our relationship. Although I loved my boyfriend with every inch of me, there was always this missing piece, and I came to realise lately that this was the reason I was frirting with other guys, and even taking it further. Maybe you need to realise this too, that everything may not be as rosy as it seems. It was a very hard break up woth lots of tears on both sides, but now I am much clearer about our relationship, and we are even working toward getting back together, where I know I will be 100% faithful this time. He now understands that I was possibly doing this because he did not give me enough attention, basically we took each other for granted. I dont know if this will help, but sometimes a break will be as good as a new start...it may help you realise that no other girl is anything compared to your amazing girlfriend. Also try bring back the flirty fun side into your r'ship, what brought ye together in the first place!

LegacyUser

emwem wrote: »

I know how you feel about this situation. Up until 2 months ago, i was with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. I would tend to go out a lot more with him, and enjoy male attention, engage in harmless flirting etc. It made me feel good about myself.

However I happened to give my number to one guy and sent back and forth a few flirty text messages. I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of weeks later, realising there was something missing in our relationship.

Although I loved my boyfriend with every inch of me, there was always this missing piece, and I came to realise lately that this was the reason I was frirting with other guys, and even taking it further. Maybe you need to realise this too, that everything may not be as rosy as it seems.

It was a very hard break up woth lots of tears on both sides, but now I am much clearer about our relationship, and we are even working toward getting back together, where I know I will be 100% faithful this time. He now understands that I was possibly doing this because he did not give me enough attention, basically we took each other for granted.

I dont know if this will help, but sometimes a break will be as good as a new start...it may help you realise that no other girl is anything compared to your amazing girlfriend. Also try bring back the flirty fun side into your r'ship, what brought ye together in the first place!

Thanks for your reply

Thing is, she does pay me attention in evey sense... I've never had someone so amazing in the bedroom. She literally fulfils every fantasy I've ever had, and loves being intimate.

I do realise that I'm being stupid about this. This is a girl i see a real future with, that i think I will have my whole future with. Its just that the novelty of being treated as attractive, and of girls wanting to bring me home - its all still new and a novelty, and exciting to me. And I know I can't do it.

In my defence, I've never ever cheated on anyone I was with, and god knows I've had so so many chances but I've shot them all down.

Has anyone else been in this position? And how did you sort it out? I don't want anything to ruin our relationship.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

OP sounds to me like you have self esteem issues, you like all this other attention because you need the validation that comes with it. having a girlfriend who loves you and adores you should be enough validation for you but for some reason its not, this is something you need to look inside yourself about.

ManOfMystery

Good advice. It certainly sounds like you're endlessly searching for some kind of validation .............. something you already have from this woman who is so into you. Maybe you just need to realise that properly.

Dagon

I'll be honest and say that it's possible something is missing in your relationship. I was also in a relationship that was physically amazing, loving, respectful, never fought, etc. But you need to ask yourself if you have a deeper connection with your girlfriend. Do you feel there is something that connects you more than could ever connect you to some randomer in a pub?

In my last relationship, despite everything seeming to be perfect, there was no "deeper connection", and that is why the relationship died. I had doubts all along and I realise now that it is 100% possible to be in a relationship where you don't have these doubts and you don't ever want to be with someone else, or think what your life could be like if you had somebody else.

When you meet the right person all your questions will be answered. But if you want to meet someone else right now... then maybe your girlfriend isn't the right one?

Quazzie

My answer is "no". They don't go away. Unless you deal with them in some way they will always be in the bak of your mind. Dealing with tehm does not always mean acting on them, it could be just you one day deciding you don't need to act on them. Until you get it sorted in your own head then they will never go and you will always wonder.

Personally I split up with my gf over this and I went and "sowed my oaths" as you put it. I was lucky enough that she took me backa dn we are actually married now with a child, so it worked out good for me. If we didn't go through that break up I honestly don't think I could've gotten to the stage of our relationship we are in now. I need to go out and get it out of my system, and I did, and it worked out for the best.

The question you need to answer is, are you the type of person that can forget it forever?

theTinker

In my opinion I think the whole 1-1 relationship is not for everyone. I'm polyamorous by my nature so its what i finally practice. I found a few 'keys' to figuring out if its right for me, perhaps they might click with you.

eg: I dont feel like its wrong to be with more than one person. I feel its quite right in comparison to denying myself that which I want.
When im with 1 person, I don't be thinking of others. To do so is similar to cheating in my mind.
I've never had a time in my life when i havent found myself thinking that I was wrong/bad to be thinking of other people when im in a relationship. I think for some, 1-1 just is not right.

Perhaps you should consider a different type of relationship? If you find something isnt working for you, then i always suggest doing something different.

LegacyUser

I think a lot of the posters are right about the self-esteem thing because your situation sounds very similar to a situation I was in. So hopefully I can give some good advice.

When I was in my 1st relationship and I received attention from other girls I did have this huge urge to play the field. Now I never cheated, or even went as far as flirty texts, but still I felt like I was 'missing out'. There was nights when I was sorely tempted and felt like having a gf was a major downer on fun on some nights out, despite my ex being amazing to me. I really think this was a big reason for us breaking up - I didn't give her the attention she deserved and I was relieved and dint fight for her when she broke up with me because I was afraid of hurting her.

nearly a year down the line and I have to say being single ain't much fun. This girl fulfilled me in every way and I havn't met anyone that compares to her. I've tried convincing myself I'm over her (I've cut all contact) but after seeing her today for the first time in ages I realise I'm kidding myself. Yeah sure you might have a bit of a buzz on a night out meeting someone, or having the potential of meeting someone but its nothing like having the emotional intimacy of having a girlfriend.

Don't end up like me with huge regrets. It might seem like its very easy to find something as good as what you have or even better, but from what you've described you've got something great going DO NOT THROW IT AWAY.

Cut out this texting nonsense, its perfectly natural to be interested, but ask yourself what your gf would be thinking if she found out, and what it would cost you? It might be a cliché but its true - you don't know what you've got til its gone. Cop yourself on becuase you'll learn the hard way if you don't. And trust me it ain't fun at all

t-ha

nouggatti wrote: »

Imo, the bits I've bolded in 1. and 2. are contradictory, if you love your girlfriend as you describe, then whilst you might think about other people, or even develop small crushes on them, you'd not want to sleep with them imo.

They're not. If it was sex with emotional attachment then you'ld be right but, like most guys, it sounds like the OP is talking about something more akin to having a w*nk using some girl instead of his hand. If a guy doesn't feel urges to sleep with random women then it's probably a sign that all is not right with him - medically - girlffriend or not. Actually going ahead and acting on it is where the problems start because this is something you do have control over.

OP, your body wants you to do every woman on the planet and it will never be happy. At 10 sexual partners you'll still want more, at 20 you'll still want more etc. It never really stops. If you really love your g/f then realise how much sleeping with someone else will hurt her. If you find that you want to protect her from being hurt like that then you know what to do.

LegacyUser

Ive jumped in and out of relationships very quickly aswell and have always regretted not
'Playing the Field' more. But with a bit of experience i realized that its not all rosy when you've broken up.
Why?
1. You tell us that you are getting attention you never really got alot of before.
The is called the girlfriend effect. Even though you might not tell these girls you have a girl you are in the comfort zone and dont give off any signs of desperation. When you talk to these girls you ooze confidance because you know you can just go home and shag your gf if they're not interested.
Its almost like women latch onto this as if they have some sort of sixth sence.

If you could bottle for when you're single it would be priceless but the harsh reality is that if your single you just wont have the same Flow or be in the same Zone.
Single women will just smell it off you. These women will dissapear.

2. You will always have these feelings of wanting to play the field, they may even get stronger over time. But you still cant cheat because the guilt will drive you wild and you'll constantly be looking over your shoulder hoping that she wont find out. Theres always someone there that could have seen something, Ireland its a ridicously small place, the internet has thrown everyones identity out there with Bebo and Facebook and it'll just tie itself to you and even if she doesnt find out your mind will not be at rest(dont underestimate the power of guilt.)
My advice is just dont do it.

Go and be happy with your girlfriend and use the wisdom you now have to outwit the little brain we all have in our dicks!