Dying Relationship

LegacyUser

How do you let go when youve come so far with some one??

early twenties male, 3 year relationship with a girl that i dont want to be with anymore, due to various factors i know its time to leave, its a long distance relationship i only see a few days a week. is just not the same i ve changed so much in the time we have been going out,

I Geuss what i want to know is how do you break up with some 1 , it will destroy her completly and i hate hurting her, but i know it has to be done, i only see her twice a week so do i just tell her second she gets off the train or what.

Blue_Wolf

Been in this exact situation myself. I was a coward and waited till me argued and took it out on her and said can't be with you anymore. I wouldn't recommend that. I was a bit of a loser for doing that. I know how you feel, no easy way out without looking like a mean person.

It's easy to say oh sit down with her and have a chat about your feelings. Not going to happen is it?

98765432s wrote: »

How do you let go when youve come so far with some one??

early twenties male, 3 year relationship with a girl that i dont want to be with anymore, due to various factors i know its time to leave, its a long distance relationship i only see a few days a week. is just not the same i ve changed so much in the time we have been going out,

I Geuss what i want to know is how do you break up with some 1 , it will destroy her completly and i hate hurting her, but i know it has to be done, i only see her twice a week so do i just tell her second she gets off the train or what.

LegacyUser

There is no right or wrong way to break up with someone.

Its going to hurt regardless so you need to just bite the bullet, make sure you explain your reasons properly and let her have her say if she wants.

It might be an idea to go to where she lives to do this, that way at least she will be nearer friends/family and you can leave knowing she'll be looked after.

John Mason

send her an email, that way she doesnt have to waste money on a train ticket

google chat or msn is also good and you dont have to deal with the messy stuff either, you can just log out

Craft25

^ :rolleyes: WHAT? :eek: Very funny, why dont you send her smoke signals on the horizon, or better yet just don't show up ever again i'm sure she'll get the picture! :rolleyes:

All you can do is be completely honest: you feel you have moved on and are in different places mentally aswell as physically. Sure it will hurt her but she'll be ok in the end. I'm sure if there's something up with you she must sense something amiss or else she'ss not very perceptive.

LegacyUser

Break up with someone after 3 years over MSN?? That's a lovely thing to do.

As hard as it may be it's best to bite the bullett, it will be a huge weight off your shoulder's once it's done.

ManOfMystery

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

send her an email, that way she doesnt have to waste money on a train ticket

google chat or msn is also good and you dont have to deal with the messy stuff either, you can just log out

Are you for real? That's a real coward's way out. After a 3yr relationship it will only make the girl feel worse if he can't even be bothered to tell her face to face.

The other advice is good - go to her and clearly, calmy and concisely explain how you just don't feel the same and you would rather be honest than lead her on in a lie. Yes she'll be hurt and annoyed, but better to get it sorted now than for it to drag on - trust me, I've been there. But if you're going to end it, treat her with the respect she deserves and don't do it via email.

jellie

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

send her an email, that way she doesnt have to waste money on a train ticket

google chat or msn is also good and you dont have to deal with the messy stuff either, you can just log out

oh God. whatever you do, dont do this.

Is it possible for you to go to her instead of her coming to you?
That way:
- you dont have to drag it out just cause shes travelled
- you avoid her having to travel home again a mess
- shes nearer people who can comfort her if shes upset

Blue_Wolf

I broke up with someone by msn, she got pissed off with me because I was too cheap to text her. Riding on the back of someone else's internet connection. What a weird relationship. I was young when I did that!!!! 19 to be exact :eek:

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

send her an email, that way she doesnt have to waste money on a train ticket

google chat or msn is also good and you dont have to deal with the messy stuff either, you can just log out

Sinall

It's hard because you feel cruel for wanting to break up with her, however it will be crueller in the long run if you put it off. Once you know that your feelings have definitely changed and that you do not want to be with her any more the kindest thing you can do is to tell her straight.

Any beating around the bush/attempts to sugar coat it would give her false hope and whilst it might make it easier for you to deliver the news, will ultimately make it harder on you both.

Perhaps, rather than her getting the train to see you, you could go to visit her. At least then she is on her home turf if she is upset. And she doesn't have to travel back.

miders

you just have to be honest... its hard now but she will appreciate your honesty later on.id say go to her to tell her despite her travelling to you. but maybe give her an indication like sending her a text first saying i want to sit down and talk to you.

LegacyUser

What ever you do, don't sugar coat it at all. None of the 'I love you' but 'I'm not in love with you' lines. And certainly none of the 'Maybe in the future we will be together again' rubbish. From being on the receiving end of this it really messes with the head and causes much more hurt and confusion in the long run. Be as honest as possible, but very sensitive of her feelings. (i.e. don't say you are no longer attracted to her as she has gotten fat or whatever.) I know it can be old fashioned and patronising but the old ‘it's not you, it's me’ routine (but not necessarily worded as such) is probably the kindest way in my opinion.

Good luck with it and don't be surprised if if gets you down afterwards. You might feel relieved, but you will also miss her and feel sad about breaking up with her and having to hurt her.

puglover

Buddy first & most important of advice. Book yourself a return ticket and go to her! Do not have the poor girl travelling down to have her heart broken & then being left to make her way home by herself, thats just bad form.

Other than that just be honest. Best for everyone in the long run, don't have her started a thread " loves me but broke up with me" People say these things because they are selfish. Makes them feel like they are softening the blow so they feel slightly better about themselves. Tell her straight and don't leave her with any doubts or false hopes. Be prepared to hear some home truths too & take them like a man.

Cormb

As mentioned by others, doing it face-to-face is probably the best (albeit toughest).

It shows her you have some respect for her.
It may also help you achieve some level of closure.

LegacyUser

op here

Broke up with her this morning, i felt v bad about fact she came down to see me and i ended it but its done now.

She was very upset so was i it was hard, i explained my reasons as clearly as i could and hat was it.

I miss her allready,i miss being able to pick up the phone an txt her whatever im thinking, part of me cant belive ill never hug her,hang out like we used to or just talk random crap to her again. i cant image being like that with some 1 else right now.

LegacyUser

You broke up with her this morning? But your first post was only at 2pm???

anyway you will be ok OP don't worry... it's a cliche but it gets easier, it really does, the worst thing both of you can do now is to contact each other. Stay strong

miders

its bound to be hard but if your resons are valid and you think it was for the best time will get you through.

DO NOT TEXT HER!!!

Munster_Gal

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

send her an email, that way she doesnt have to waste money on a train ticket

google chat or msn is also good and you dont have to deal with the messy stuff either, you can just log out

OMG :eek:

OP don't do that. I was with my boyfriend for 15 months and last week he wrote a letter to break up with me! We were living together and I stayed in my mothers house on the Tuesday night. Went home on Wednesday while he was working to a letter saying that he felt that it was no longer working. He could have waiting until he came home from work but instead he chose to have me in hysterics for the day while he was oblivious at work!!!

After 3 years.. you owe it to her to break up with her face to face. It's goin to be hard but she will appreciate it in the long run

Munster_Gal

98765432s wrote: »

op here

Broke up with her this morning, i felt v bad about fact she came down to see me and i ended it but its done now.

She was very upset so was i it was hard, i explained my reasons as clearly as i could and hat was it.

I miss her allready,i miss being able to pick up the phone an txt her whatever im thinking, part of me cant belive ill never hug her,hang out like we used to or just talk random crap to her again. i cant image being like that with some 1 else right now.

I posted my last comment without seeing your last one! I'm delighted you broke up with her face to face. I know that it's hard but it's better or her that you did it.

As for missing her etc. I miss my ex so much. I lived with him for the last 9 months. It's only a week later and i'm already feeling better. Although we have emailed and texted every day since it happened. I don't see him and that's hard. if you're not in love with her.. then this is the best decision for you both.

I hope that you feel better soon. If you need to talk or vent, just PM me

NoQuarter

done it myself in december(with the girl 3 and a half years, broke up for similar reasons to yours), its tough and i know exactly what you mean with the txting thing, its strange for a while, if you go drinking out id suggest either not bringing your phone with you or giving it to a mate and making sure you dont get your hands on it!

Its march now and i still miss her a bit but its not so bad, i know in my heart and head it was the right decision and you will too in time! Expect to think the single life is crap first although i seen my gf most nights of the week so i was a bit lost at first, im hittin the gym now instead and it helps a lot!

LegacyUser

op here, we met agian this mornign to talk it out with a mutual friend present, we talked about our feelings openly agreed that we wanted to be friends but needed time apart first,

She begged me to get back together i very nearly caved but didnt.

allthough now hours later siting here i realise for the first time in 3 years i really feel ALONE, it sucks not being able to just talk to her now, i miss her sooo much, i want to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to say im sorry lets make it work. i cant imagine losing her forever to somebody else, i know this was my choice but have i made a HUGE mistake.........

LegacyUser

OP, look back on your original post and think about the reasons you wanted to break up in the first place.

Doess't matter that you where the one who did the breaking up, its still a loss and you'll be raw. Give yourself a few days to adjust and then reassess how you feel.

Munster_Gal

98765432s wrote: »

op here, we met agian this mornign to talk it out with a mutual friend present, we talked about our feelings openly agreed that we wanted to be friends but needed time apart first,

She begged me to get back together i very nearly caved but didnt.

allthough now hours later siting here i realise for the first time in 3 years i really feel ALONE, it sucks not being able to just talk to her now, i miss her sooo much, i want to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to say im sorry lets make it work. i cant imagine losing her forever to somebody else, i know this was my choice but have i made a HUGE mistake.........

As someone on the receiving end.... As much as I miss my ex and I begged him to try and make it work, You do need to stick to your guns. If you don't love her then you need move on. Things with my ex officially finished up today. He moved out of the house that we were sharing and into his own place. I had to meet him to sort the deposit. COuldn't even speak to him. I had a good day yesterday. Felt great. And then today, I handed him the money, turned around and walked away crying. That was at about 2pm. I'm still really down in the dumps over it.

It's not going to be easy OP. But you did it for the right reasons and it's going to be hard for both of you. I hope that you can find a way to be friends one day. I'm hoping the same for myself. But give it time. It's going to be raw for a while! and you will feel alone. I don't know what to do with myself at the moment. I just feel lonely so I know exactly where you're coming from.

Feel free to PM me to give out and express yourself. It feels good to just rant to someone outside the box. (trust me I've done plenty of that too!)

LegacyUser

98765432s wrote: »

op here, we met agian this mornign to talk it out with a mutual friend present, we talked about our feelings openly agreed that we wanted to be friends but needed time apart first,

She begged me to get back together i very nearly caved but didnt.

allthough now hours later siting here i realise for the first time in 3 years i really feel ALONE, it sucks not being able to just talk to her now, i miss her sooo much, i want to pick up the phone and talk to her, and to say im sorry lets make it work. i cant imagine losing her forever to somebody else, i know this was my choice but have i made a HUGE mistake.........

Last year I went through something very similar. I was the one who broke up with her and felt so horrible afterwards. I felt so alone. I had lost my best friend. I caved. I went back to her. And you know what? It didn't last much longer. The original reasons for the break-up were still there and it'll be the same for you if you go back to your gf. You're feeling crap, you've lost the person you're closest to....of course you're going to feel lost for a while. It takes ages to get over something like this. If you go back to her (IMO) you'll regret it. It's different going back to someone after you've both had time and space to realise what's wrong in the relationship and ways to fix these. You're feeling raw and alone. Don't make the mistake I did and go back because you feel guilty and alone. This will make things worse in the long-run.

Oh, no contact definitely helps. I'd advise that you don't even text. In my experience this is the only thing that will help you (and her) to move on. IT WIL GET EASIER. good luck.