I feel I'm ignored sometimes, how do I make him see that?

LegacyUser

Ok, this is not a major issue but wonder how others deal with this. With boyfriend a few months and often work or other things take precedent to the time we have together. Say we can spend 2 days a week together (live far apart), I feel we should make the most of the short time. We have had out ups and downs, some bad arguments & issues which mainly fall with him. For example, recently he's acquired a female penpal (out of blue) in States. Now apparently he has no idea what age she is, something he signed up to long time ago and forgot about it, she could be 90. Was visiting for weekend and went out. Came in at 1am. I had worn a dress that he had admired and had really turned him on the last time. plus nice lingerie etc. He'd been in a funny mood all evening. I stupidly thought when he came in that we might have an amourous moment but no - he wanted to log on and check and respond to his penpal if she had sent email.
Now maybe I'm silly but my initial reaction was to be a little hurt and feel rejected. Well I just went off to bed alone and when he did eventually come he tried to get intimate then but I was totally not in the mood at that stage and am afraid I told him why. I almost feel like its rude. This has happened all the time over past couple of weeks. He'd rather email than help with breakfast or rush to bed.
I have lots of internet friends, Facebook friends but I pick and choose the time when I talk to them.

What's the best way to deal with things like this. How do you say to someone I wish you cold give me and our relationship the attention when we have our time. The other 5 days of the week you can do as you wish. Is that too much to ask, often he works too which I fall in with the days we have together - the alternative being not to see each other.

To be honest I don't understand it at all. Is a woman in the flesh who loves you and wants you not more important there and then than a stranger in an email?
I don't think I'm being controlling either - we have only the weekends and I think we should focus on us and our real friends and family.

I heard some statement over weekend about 'You don't own me' - I'm not trying to own him, just spend the short amount of time we have with just him, thought that was normal if people are new to a relationship and wanting to love each other.

Things are either great or terrible in this relationship.

Oh for a little old fashioned romance
Is it best to just smile and say nothing and let some things work themselves out?

bubblewrap

I would be furious if my bf went online to speak to some random woman, especially when I am stood there!

I think maybe, back off for a while and let him chase you. A lot of men get too complacent too quickly and this girl is probably (not saying he is cheating) a thrill in a way, new attention etc so I think, although you don't see him much, backing off a while may make him realise you are more important than a few words on a screen.

I can understand you being angry, it is disrespectful and I feel if the shoe was on the other foot, he would have something to say.

metamorphic

I think most relationships have a few good month initially, even a year or 2. If things are going south so early I'd say it's not looking good in general.

"Is it best to just smile and say nothing and let some things work themselves out?"

No.

LegacyUser

thanks bubblewrap, I couldn't believe he did it, he seems to enjoy upsetting me all the time with his crassness and juvenile behaviour. I have cooled it a little since he left on Sunday and I won't see him till Fri/Sat. I might not take his phone call or texts at all tonight - tell him tomorrow went to bed with migrane, might make him think. He needs to sort a lot of things out in his head or there's no hope for us in the long run, says he will but he needs to do it soon or I won't be able to carry on

Phsyche

I'm sorry but in your position I would have dumped him the minute he told me about his 'penpal'.

When I meet up with my man I expect him to devote time to me and not to the pc. He can do that on his own time.

'You don't own me' comments? Are you ready to invest YOUR time and nerves on this fella?
What's it to you in the long run? If he wants to spend time mailing his new 'friend' - you being taken for granted yet?
Two days a week is not enough to spend time together to get to know each other properly. But that's just my opinion. I'm one of these people who think long-distance relationships don't work

Oh The Humanity

I'd P45 his ass.

You can bet he and the 'female pen pal' aren't talking about their mutual interest in stamp collecting. :rolleyes:

shellyboo

It's not unreasonable of you to expect your boyfriend to put you first ahead of his internet friend, especially since he's only seeing you 2 nights a week.

You need to let him know that real life is more important, tbh. You're absolutely in the right on this one.

LegacyUser

Well I have seen all the emails and it was very innocent and no personal info. He seems to thrive on the attention. There's been lots of issues, exes and female friends, upsetting behaviour and I'm tired at this stage. I was apprehensive of seeing him last weekend. We are great together but he has too many issues. I asked him in a text today has he found out what age she is yet, no answer yet. I want this to work and love him dearly but he keeps putting off dealing with the issues he knows he has, in the meantime he keeps hurting me without realising it. He's 37 & doomed to be alone I reckon, if he doesn't do it now with my support he never will.

bubblewrap

37??? He needs to act his age!

Don't say you went to bed early as the reason for not contacting him, otherwise he will think if you weren't in bed, you would be right there texting back. Tell him you were busy on Facebook and forgot to reply to him.

In my opinion, it will only get worse, you are having to check his messages now and I don't think after this, you will be content in leaving him to it, there will always be doubts in your mind. It is pretty safe talking to a girl in the US but what if he starts with someone closer to home? If you carry on letting him do it, then he will get worse. Ultimatum time I think.

shellyboo

bubblewrap wrote: »

Don't say you went to bed early as the reason for not contacting him, otherwise he will think if you weren't in bed, you would be right there texting back. Tell him you were busy on Facebook and forgot to reply to him.

The OP seems to have a fairly open and honest relationship with her bf. I don't think telling her to lie and play games with the fella is going to solve anything.

bubblewrap wrote: »

In my opinion, it will only get worse, you are having to check his messages now and I don't think after this, you will be content in leaving him to it, there will always be doubts in your mind. It is pretty safe talking to a girl in the US but what if he starts with someone closer to home? If you carry on letting him do it, then he will get worse. Ultimatum time I think.

Her problem isn't the penpal, or the messages - it's the lack of attention he's giving her. She clearly trusts him since she's seen the messages - by the sounds of it, he showed her. This is not about cheating!

OP, you just need to lay down the law. American pen pals are all very well and good, but you are his real-life, flesh and blood gf. You come first. End of.

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

Well I have seen all the emails and it was very innocent and no personal info. He seems to thrive on the attention.

That's not good esp if he is wanting to get an ego fix of an email when you
are willing, wanting and waiting for him.

Unregistered wrote: »

There's been lots of issues, exes and female friends, upsetting behaviour and I'm tired at this stage. I was apprehensive of seeing him last weekend.

Ok if it has gotten to the stage where you are not happily looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him then you have crossed a line yourself in terms of the relationship. There is nothing worse then meeting up to spend the evening or the weekend with your other half and being worried what might happen this time, esp if it has only been a few months.

If you feel that way then don't see him take a weekend off and let him miss you.

Unregistered wrote: »

We are great together but he has too many issues. I asked him in a text today has he found out what age she is yet, no answer yet. I want this to work and love him dearly but he keeps putting off dealing with the issues he knows he has, in the meantime he keeps hurting me without realising it.

Okay major alarm bells at this stage.
You can only be supportive you can't make or pressurise or force him to deal with his issues, they are his issues. Yes it sucks donkey balls when those issues are why he is hurting you
but the only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. How much more will you be willing to tolerate ?

Even if he does start sorting out his issues it is doubtful that will be a picnic and you could well end up as collateral damage.

Unregistered wrote: »

He's 37 & doomed to be alone I reckon,

I doubt it there are plenty of women that unfortunately for them will but up with far to much rather then be alone and if he does then it is his look out.

Unregistered wrote: »

if he doesn't do it now with my support he never will.

Why are you trying to 'fix' him ? why are you making it your responsibility ?
Life's too short to drink bad wine.

LegacyUser

I've already asked him is there anyone else - I know he has female friends here and abroad. I don't want to do an ultimatum, I was going to end it a month ago as he wasn't commited but he made a commitment.
To be honest he honestly doesn't see anything wrong with this, he's very silly at times. Then he knows he upset me other times & apologises - and then does something stupid a few days later.
I haven't the energy or inclination to talk right now. Why can't he see how that he is hurting my feelings by all the things he does around women? He winds me up and thinks it's great fun - great fun for his ego perhaps to make a woman jealous. I don't understand. I really want to fix as the rest of the time it's brillant. By the way, I'm no push over, spent 11 years with one man and no good from bad so I'm in this relationship for good reasons despite the issues messing with it. It's his inconsiderate behaviour, not the nature, that is hurtful.

Nevyn

He has to acknowledge it's is an issue and be willing and wanting to change.
If he is then great otherwise you could be in for a lot of upset and repeated dissapointment.

LegacyUser

No I won't Thaedydal - because I'll be long gone, been there done that.
Just not sure where to go at this stage. Supposed to be going down next weekend. What if it happens again, he's entitled to do what he wants in his own home. Shall I have yet 'another chat' about things. He jumped at me last night on phone as he thought I was about to have a go at him over having to work on Saturday, all I did was mumble.
I need some serious wooing for a change instead of crap. Just want to know what to do tonight, have a class so won't be in until late. Think I'll just hit the bed straight after and if he rings ignore it. Let him worry for a change.

Nevyn

Pamper yourself have a bath,a beauty treatment, watch your favourite funny movie,
know that you deserve better and it does seem you learned the hard way the last time
so be strong and try and not make his issues your issues. I know it can be hard
and you end up making all sorts of excuses for him but you know you deserve to be treated better.

LegacyUser

So I'll ignore him tonight perhaps or if I'm in the mood I might answer him. He calls every night, even if he's out so it will be odd it I don't answer. He is very attentive and wonderful in many respects but he just has this thing with female attention which he almost uses like a weapon at me. It's nasty.
I learned a very hard way & I've done lots of healing. He's going to go to the same healing but keeps putting it off, I know he's scared. I'm waiting to see will it happen when he says it will but if it gets too hard in meantime, don't worry, he'll be told.

At least I now know I was over-reating and my feelings are valid.

Gyalist

Unregistered wrote: »

Well I have seen all the emails and it was very innocent and no personal info. He seems to thrive on the attention. There's been lots of issues, exes and female friends, upsetting behaviour and I'm tired at this stage. I was apprehensive of seeing him last weekend. We are great together but he has too many issues. I asked him in a text today has he found out what age she is yet, no answer yet. I want this to work and love him dearly but he keeps putting off dealing with the issues he knows he has, in the meantime he keeps hurting me without realising it. He's 37 & doomed to be alone I reckon, if he doesn't do it now with my support he never will.

Why do you feel the need to be the one to fix him? His issues are not yours to solve.

Nevyn

Unregistered wrote: »

SHe is very attentive and wonderful in many respects but he just has this thing with female attention which he almost uses like a weapon at me. It's nasty.

You are right it is nasty and will mess with you mentally and emotionally
until you end up being the nag or the insecure gf or the bitter ex.
All things none of us ladies want to be ever.
Those type of power plays and power struggles are not something you
do to a person you care about.

Unregistered wrote: »

I learned a very hard way & I've done lots of healing. He's going to go to the same healing but keeps putting it off, I know he's scared. I'm waiting to see will it happen when he says it will but if it gets too hard in meantime, don't worry, he'll be told.

So you are willing to be there for him and support him, encourage him and
build him up so he can tackle his issues and grow and his response is to
pull still stunts like that to keep you off kilter and undermine you ?

That is far from a fair and equitable partnership.

If could well be his passive aggressive way of putting you at a distance as
he doesn't like being challenged or encouraged to grow and change now
matter how much lip service to the topic he gives. By your deeds you will be known.

Unregistered wrote: »

At least I now know I was over-eating and my feelings are valid.

Good at least you can see that something triggered you into old behaviors
you don't like and you went looking and figuring out what feelings
were making you over eat, what made you feel that way, who's actions
they were and who's issues they stem from.

A lot of people never get that far in their lives, they don't know their own worth and will not seek out the real reasons why they feel the way they do
and then just enguage in negative behaviors as a distraction/comfort.

You are doing well, I know it's hard when you feel you are being dicked around
esp when you have come to care for them and want to be there for them and
help them be the best them they can be but at what cost ?

Hopefully he will cotton himself on.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I heard some statement over weekend about 'You don't own me'

Look, this comment alone, depending on circumstances[which certainly do not warrant it in this case as far as I can see], would probably send me out the door as it is. It's a teenage, bratty, immature, idiotic thing to say. He would seriously need to grow up and cop on if this is how he reacts to what has happened.
You're not his mother, you're supposed to be partners on an equal footing and if one if you is acting like a brat [him], that's the end of that.

Finally, looking at your later posts, I have no idea why you seem to think his problems are there for you to fix. Maybe you ARE mammying him a little
I would venture, even based on this limited knowledge, that the pair of you had either better turn things around completely in your attitudes to the relationship or get out now, because it sounds quite unhealthy.
I don't mean "and he said this and I did that then I said x" specific instances need to be turned around, I mean the whole attitude and approach and perhaps some clarification on what you two are looking to get out of the relationship.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone. Like shellyboo said we have a very open & honest relationship.
Last night he called and I decided to talk to him about what had been happening between us and how I felt. I told him he looked at me sometimes as if I had 2 heads when I expressed discomfort and upset at times and of course he negated them again by trying to talk me down. I said feelings are feelings and if the person you care about expresses such you should accept and respect that. He told me during the conversation he was upset but then again that's his feelings. I told him I would do my uptmost not to do things to upset him (I too can react too quickly & badly). He asked me did I want to split up and I said no but that all all these little bad things would erode the good anyway and it wouldn't last the long haul.
I think I began to sound like a broken record. Anyway he knows when we are together I expect us to be together (within reason) and one should pick ones moments to do certain things. For example I said we only have 2 or 3 days a week together and his reply was 'well you know why that is' (we are 2 hours apart) - of course I do but that's nothing to do with the issue in hand. I told him I feel almost like he enjoys upsetting me, winding me up around other women and so on, he said it wasn't his intention. I said ingrained & conditioned behaviour should be changed if is hurting someone. I wouldn't like to keep upsetting the person I loved. Anyway that's up to him to deal with.
Of course he's already texted me, as he does every morning, to see if I am ok. That's lovely but hoping someone is ok when you have hurt them is a bit like 'sorry' - doesn't mean much after a while if you keep hurting them and it's often just done to make you feel like less of a ****.

Thanks again.