Lost the Love of My Life.....Need Advice

LegacyUser

Hi all, i'll try and keep this as short as possible, but just need a bit of advice on this.

My girlfriend of 9 years broke up with me about two weeks ago. She told be that she's nearly sure that she loves me but just isnt in love with me. It really broke my heart, cause this was the woman I thought i was going to set up a home and family with and grow old with. She said that when she looks into the furture she's not sure if she can see me and her there together. The relationship at times did become kind of boring and routine, but I think I just took it for granted that she would be always there and I accidentally let the romance die out a little. I think I now how to put it right and get that spark back into our relationship, I want to try and bring back that 'honeymoon period'. I told her that i'll give her her space for a while, which I have done, neither of us have been in contact over the last two weeks.
I have been trying to move on, gradually feeling better day by day, I know I have to try and move on if I'm to have any chance of ever getting back with her. Now I hear that she is making plans to go away travelling with one of her friends towards the end of the year for about 8 weeks.
This devasted me when I heard this, as I know it sounds like she is kind of moving on with her own life now. But what do I do? I obviously wanted to give her the space and see what happens. I know this doesn't sound good for my chances of getting her back anytime some. I know most of you may tell me that I just need to move on, but is there anything I can do to maybe start relighting that flame of romance we once had? Should I not try to fight for her since I havent even tried yet?

bubblewrap

Going away for 8 weeks doesn't mean she is over you, it is a way of dealing with hurt in my opinion, ie. you just need to get away for a bit, change of scenery. My friend did the same when her ex cheated on her, she was/is by no means over him but she sodded off to Oz for a year.

Only you know if she is worth fighting for. A break may do good in that she realises just how much you mean to her but she will need that space to make her realise that rather than you thinking if I just send her a quick text/call her, she may decide to take me back.

Is there any way you would see her without actually arranging it if you get what I mean? Day to day stuff etc.

LegacyUser

hey, thanks for the reply and advice.

It is possible that i may run into her someday soon. She only lives and few miles away and we do have mutual friends, but I think over the last two weeks she has been spending time with her own friends as she probably knows that I will be spending my time with our mutual friends and probably doesnt want to run into me just yet or complicate things. I know she has been onto one of our friends last week quite upset because she knows that by ending things it has really hurt me and that both of us have lost our best friend.

LegacyUser

Faint heart never won fair maiden lad, stop provarocating and get your sh1t together!

Love bomb her and soon.

Munster_Gal

Hi OP

I don't mean to put a downer on it for you but I am in the same position (although it wasn't as long as 9 years!) My boyfriend broke up with me last week for the same reason... he wasn't in love with me. I'm devastated. Spent the week thinking things over and over in my head and cam up with all the right answers, live apart, start dating again, give him more space, work on my own personal issues. He agreed that these were all great ideas but the bottom line was... he doesn't love me! That's not something that's likely to change. I saw my whole future with him - but he doesn't feel the same.

You can't make someone love you! It's really hard. I'm 27 and living with my parents again. Not somewhere that I ever expected to be again in my life but that's the hard truth.

I think you need to move on with your life. What's for you won't pass by you. If you are destined to be with your ex... your paths will cross again one day but you can't sit around wondering what might have happened. Out of the relationship it's very easy to come up with all the right solutions to fix it but if she doesn't feel the same then it's just not going to happen.

Again, I'm sorry if this puts a total downer on things but as I'm going through the same thing, I'm just passing on what I have learned.

For your sake I hope it all works out the way you want though

starchild

hi op , thats a tough situation, it sounds to me that your partner believes she has made the right choice, what she is trying to do is give herself something to look forward to while she goes through this horrible process of breaking up.

she has made the decision to break up and funnily enough i think the best hope you have of ever getting the relationship back together is for you to live your life as best you can and move on as best you can

its not so much a case of showing her you think she is worth fighting for as i would imagine she knows how much you want her back. Its rather show her that you know you are still a person worth being with. Be good to yourself right now , do things you want to do , socialise with your friends as they will be a huge support to you.

The more you get your life together the better it will look to her. I would start treating it as a relationship that is over and basically the more you live that the stronger you will get

as an aside to this i know when someone leaves you it feels like a personal rejection especially when together for a duration such as you have been. However its important to remember that this is not the case , its not personal its just another aspect of life

remember

- you were good enough to be with for 9 years so you obviously have loads to offer someone
- relationships while we would like them to be for life often have a time limit on them for reasons we sometimes just cannot see at the time

i wish you well going through this

calahans

Unregistered wrote: »

Faint heart never won fair maiden

The opening line to the stalkers manifesto!

She no longer loves you and is letting you down gently. Its tough but most people go through it in life. Your still young and will meet someone.

Oh, and break off ALL links. It'll wreck you head

Das Kitty

Sorry OP (and subsequent poster)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you." is just another way of saying "It's over."

It is possible that your other half could change their mind but it is unlikely, it takes a lot to go through with breaking up with someone and you wouldn't do it if you weren't pretty sure it was the right decision.

I know people say it in this way (and in a myriad of other soft let-downs) but I think it's crueler than just being straight about it.

Sorry OP.

Wagon

Das Kitty wrote: »

Sorry OP (and subsequent poster)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you." is just another way of saying "It's over."

Yep. Pretty much sums it up.

It is possible that your other half could change their mind but it is very unlikely, it takes a lot to go through with breaking up with someone and you wouldn't do it if you weren't pretty sure it was the right decision.

I'm willing ot bet a few grand that she won't change her mind. People rarely ever do and there's no point thinking that she will and the sad truth of the matter is that the person who did the breakup is already well on their way with the healing process as they've already accepted the fact that you are both broken up.

I know people say it in this way (and in a myriad of other soft let-downs) but I think it's crueler than just being straight about it.

Again, i agree.

I'll be honest mate, there's no chance of the two of you getting back together I know that's not what you want to hear from some bastard on the internet but I'm being as straight as i can. The next step is to cut all contact. Don't tell her your doing this, just do it. she can work it out for herself. Friends with ex's rarely work and it definately won't work here for a very long time. Delete phone numbers, ignore calls and text messages from her, cut all lines of communication. This will really help as time goes on. You won't know what she's doing and eventually you won't care. If you see her on the street, walk past. Don't stop for a chat.

Think of all the things that you couldn't do when you were with her, like stay out on the piss for 2 days with your mates, spend all your cash on beer and power tools, flirt without guilt with that LOVELY polish girl in Centra etc... Even feck off for a few month to a different country. Plenty of options. Keeping these open will really help too.

Give it time and things will improve. Best of luck and hope you feel better

metamorphic

Dunno, a nine year "investment" just strolls off. I might be inclined to at least try. So you contact her, tell her you'll jazz things up, go on a holiday together, get the spark back, all that good stuff.

Why be let down gently and still in doubt? sure if it's on the rocks make sure of it. You're in the same place you were, And that's only if it goes badly. It may all turn out rosy, you convince her things will be different, you both make a renewed effort and on wards and upwards.

I've never been in a 9 year relationship and I doubt many of the posters have either. Only you know if it's salvagable, if it's a good idea and if you have a fighting chance of pulling it off. If you don't then don't, if you think you do I'd say give it a whirl.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my impending marriage breakdown and guess what my wife of 16 years (together almost 20) used the "I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You" line too.

To be honest I reckon it is a load of bolix the kind of thing that women get from watching too much daytime TV. At the moment I am angry, upset, confused, etc. etc. but trying hard from day to day to just do the right things for me.

I am pretty much resigned to the fact that getting her to change her mind is not an option and trying to do things to "win" her back will only backfire so I have taken the decision to just get on and get by as best I can.

I do envy the original poster in that he has the option to break all ties, in my case we have three kids together that mean that can never happen.

Best of luck with the rest of our life!

Munster_Gal

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

I posted a couple of weeks ago about my impending marriage breakdown and guess what my wife of 16 years (together almost 20) used the "I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You" line too.

To be honest I reckon it is a load of bolix the kind of thing that women get from watching too much daytime TV. At the moment I am angry, upset, confused, etc. etc. but trying hard from day to day to just do the right things for me.

I am pretty much resigned to the fact that getting her to change her mind is not an option and trying to do things to "win" her back will only backfire so I have taken the decision to just get on and get by as best I can.

I do envy the original poster in that he has the option to break all ties, in my case we have three kids together that mean that can never happen.

Best of luck with the rest of our life!

Hey there,

Sorry to hear about your marriage. Seems to be along of this "I don't love you" thing going around lately I hope that you're coping ok. It can't be easy. How are the kids coping?

whitelightrider

Hey there. Very sorry to hear you are going through this.
7 years ago I was in the same boat. Fell in love with a girl and spent 4 years with her. We talked of marriage, children, looking for a mortgage. All sparked by her, not me. Well after 4 years together she broke up with me. Never saw it coming. I chased her. We got back together and broke up every month for about 6 months. Until I realised that it truly was over.

Today Im happily married to a beautiful woman and Ive never looked back. Well only to slap myself for being stupid.

Guess what Im trying to say is that yes, it's really hard to move on. The pain does ease and the memories do fade, slowly. But there is someone out there for you and you will find that person. I know I did.

LegacyUser

Yeah there is a load of those ****ty phrases going around, i got the ilybinilwy line as well, after 6 years together and looooads of longterm plans in the pipeline.
we made love in the morning and that night i was dumped.

its a pretty ****ty feeling !!!

my advice fwiw, talk to her calmly tell her how you feel and then tell her that you dont want any more contact unless its to do with getting back together.

Dont beg!
Dont let her lead you on while she "sorts herself out" "needs space" (messed around for six months , nearly did my head in)
Dont Contact her again AT ALL !!!! ( it only fu@ks you up)
Dont enquire about her from friends/facebook/bebo.

Do be good to yourself youre going through a rough patch -Do stuff you always wanted to do, treat yourself , keep yourself busy !!

Give yourself time and plenty of it it will take a long time to get over a long relationship.

Trust me, i made all of the above mistakes and did my head in, contact only prolongs the healing process.

Get on with your own life -dont rush into any relationships for a while . you just wont be ready.

best of luck to op and others .