Devestated - Please Help

joelou

My dh of 4 years told me he yesterday he does not love me anymore, the spark is gone and I am not the same women he fell in love with. We have been together for the past 13 years since we were 15 and never thought it would come to this. We have never broken up not evening when we were teenagers. We always said years ago that we would be straight with each other that if either of us felt we did not want to be together we would tell the other person as I came from a home where my parents were very unhappy and they just continued on destroying each other and it left us kids with problems. I dont think there is one of my siblings in a happy marraige although I really thought ours was the strong one.
We have two kids 3 and 1. We also have a mortgage and all the bills that come with a marraige. DH was made redundant about a month ago and is a sahd.
We have not been getting on great for the past few months but I suppose I just thought it was a bad patch, sometimes I wondered was i still in love with him but since he told me this yesterday I know I really do love him very much. We were supposed to be going away this weekend for our wedding anniversairy which I was so looking forward to.
I dont see the point in going now but he thinks it might help to get away from the kids on neutral ground and work things through. He even suggested getting twin beds in the hotel!!
He said we can tell family when we come back from weekend away. He stayed with a friend last night and we agreed that he would come home in the mornings too look after the kids and allow me to go to work.
I am utterly devestated, shocked and I cant stop crying here in work. I have no one to talk to as I have no real close friends, dh is my best friend. I cant speak to my family not that we are particularly close anyway but they literally live next door and we want to get our own heads around it before we tell anyone else.
What are we going to do. How do me move forward. Its all such a shock....

ok.
Lets kick off the advice/comment on this.

Firstly are you sure that what your oh said wasnt in the heat of the moment? I suppose the signs are there that it was his true feelings but maybe it will change?

You have kids-whats his relationship like with them?

Could you describe for us what you mean by things havent been good between you in the past few months? Sleep in the same bed still? if not whne did that change?
Did ye stop having normal conversations? Were ye just rowing and if so what about? Was it lots of little things or does any one thing stand out?

Are any of your mutual friends aware something might have been up? whats their take if so ?

Difficult as it is at this stage ,if worst comes to the worst,I can tell you I know plenty of nice people who have gone through break ups and have kids who are very happy in new relationships-so don't despair about that end of things.If it's to be,you'll have a difficult and life changing transition but with a cool calm head,things will turn round for you.

LegacyUser

Have to reply to this coz you're not getting many!

First of all, I am so so sorry that this has happened to you. It's absolutely heartbreaking and I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

I agree with the above poster - we need more details before giving you advice. It does seem a bit out of the blue so tell us a bit more about how it has been in the lead up to this announcement.

You will get through this.

joelou

There was no one particular thing with us. It was not said in the heat of the moment I have been asking him for weeks were we ok and he was telling me that basically it was all in my head and he could not see what I thought was wrong. He was being very cold, distant and sniping with me. It was like he was angry with me but had no reason at all to be.
I suppose in the last while we have been growing distant from each other. Since having the kids things have been very hard and I suppose we grew up. We up until last night stills slept in the same bed but that was about it. We have not been intimate in months. DH was always way higher sexed than me and he always initiated anything in the bedroom but for some reason about 3-4 months ago this stopped, he stopped looking for sex, stopped showing affection to me anywhere or anytime.
He is great with the kids and I know he is finding being a stay at home dad tough, but he had been prepared for that. He is a man who likes his freedom and being restricted to the house is hard for him.
I asked him did he want to go for councilling and he said he does not, when I asked him did he think we stood any chance, could things change, he said he doesn't know. He is equally gutted as me.
He stayed with a friend of his last night and came home this morning to look after the kids so that I could go to work. This is our plan for the moment that he stay in his friends and come and go as needed, not ideal but we dont know what else to do.
I love him so much, even last night as I was so upset he pulled me into him, I tried to kiss him and he put his head down so I ended up kissing his forehead. This is so foreign to me, being with him is all I have ever known, we were childhood sweethearts and have never split up even when we were teenagers.
I never thought it would come to this, I just thought we were going through a bad patch. By the way he is behaving I think he is not interested in fighting for us but is not saying as much. I have asked him not to spare my feelings and tell me where I stand but all he says is he doesn't know. And I really dont think he does. He is afraid of being painted as the bad guy by family etc but I said that when we tell everyone we will just say that it was mutual and that we both decided to seperate.
Oh god please let me wake up and find this has all been a bad dream......

SarahMc

My heart goes out to do, having gone through a marriage break up, I know just how raw you are feeling.

I hate to say this, or put this thought in your head - but do you think he may be seeing someone else? Its just if you are going to fight for your marriage, you need to know what you are dealing with.

Giggy

SarahMc wrote: »

I hate to say this, or put this thought in your head - but do you think he may be seeing someone else? Its just if you are going to fight for your marriage, you need to know what you are dealing with.

This is the worst possible thing to imagine when you are feeling so raw and in shock but i agree with SarahMc, just from your last post there is that hint there that it's possible that he could be seeing someone else. Maybe not, but if it's a possibility you should try and find out the truth.

I really feel for you, but you will get through this and you'll be stronger at the end of it.

nialo

This and your money troubles posted in work problems. cant be an easy time. hope you get things sorted soon..

joelou

I trust him to the ends of the earth. I had asked him that yesteday evening was there anyone else and he was very adiment that there was not. In a way strange though it may seem it would make it easier. I mean its me he has fallen out of love with for no other reason than I am not the same person he fell in love with. I mean what way are you ment to take that. Yes I know it happens but surely it must be a reflection on me. Sure I'm not the size 10 girl that is true but after two kids I'm a size 12, yes I'm heavier but only a little. You know the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after your told someone has died, well thats the feeling I have being carrying around with me since he told me. It was a total body blow.

cantdecide

I would suspect that such a long relationship shouldn't com apart over such a relatively short period of time. I know that there are lots of frayed nerves out their given the times that are in it. I'm sure when he was made redundant, that it wasn't a total shock.

I wonder if he has just allowed it to get to him and allowed a general hopelessness to contaminate your marriage?? Might he feel emasculated by having to he a house husband??

What I would do if I were you is to agree to a trial separation, I suppose. I can't see why he won't agree to marriage counseling. Let him know that you think that he is making a mistake trying to close the door on such a long and otherwise healthy relationship and that you aren't accepting his decision for now.

I also suspect that because he hasn't had lots of experience of having to work at your relationship, he may not have the perspective to realise that your problems may be solvable. Tell him he is being cowardly about it.

Beruthiel

joelou wrote: »

I asked him did he want to go for councilling and he said he does not, when I asked him did he think we stood any chance, could things change, he said he doesn't know. He is equally gutted as me.

If that is the case, I do not understand why he wouldn't give councilling a go.
I mean, he's lost his job, he's stuck at home, how would that not depress you to some degree and have you thinking things are worse then they are?

Honestly, I'd sit him down again and ask him to give a professional a go.
What has he got to loose at this point?
Especially as ye have kids, surely for them, every avenue should be explored before he walks away.
I am well aware that any long term relationship that is neglected will go south.
Sometimes life gets in the way and couples need to remind themselves what they saw in each other back then.
If this has come out of the blue, with no big warning signs, then I have to think that with a little time and effort, a second go at it could be reached.
BTW size 12 after two children, you should be proud of yourself woman!

bubblewrap

joelou wrote: »

I trust him to the ends of the earth. I had asked him that yesteday evening was there anyone else and he was very adiment that there was not. In a way strange though it may seem it would make it easier. I mean its me he has fallen out of love with for no other reason than I am not the same person he fell in love with. I mean what way are you ment to take that. Yes I know it happens but surely it must be a reflection on me. Sure I'm not the size 10 girl that is true but after two kids I'm a size 12, yes I'm heavier but only a little. You know the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach after your told someone has died, well thats the feeling I have being carrying around with me since he told me. It was a total body blow.

I doubt very much it was down to you going up a dress size, I am sure you look lovely so don't put yourself down. As horrible as it is, people change and grow apart. It doesn't always have to mean there is someone else, just that they may feel it is unfair to go on if their heart isn't in it.

I really feel for you, I know everyone says it but it WILL get easier, it is only a cliche because it is true. When I look back to guys who have broken my heart, I feel nothing, back then I thought I was dying. It will get easier hunny.

who007

joelou wrote: »

DH was always way higher sexed than me and he always initiated anything in the bedroom but for some reason about 3-4 months ago this stopped, he stopped looking for sex, stopped showing affection to me anywhere or anytime. ...

I have nearly always had a higher sex drive than my gf's and have been in this situation a lot so I think I can give you an inkling as to what's going on here.. or at least how it made me feel and maybe that might give you some small incite into how it may feel for him if we are similar.

When this happened me I felt 1. that my gf did not view me as someone she sexually wanted. It made me feel less than a man because I had enjoyed other women who initiated the sex and it made me feel wanted and desired.
2. It felt like emotionally there wasn't much more of a bond between us than that of friendship.

I think we ignore the fact that humans are sexual animals at our own peril. By no means do I mean that sex is all there is in a relationship. I have met women that I have been perfectly happy just to lie and hold at night but equally I felt that way cos at other (frequent) times they were ripping my clothes off/sending me texts with what they were thinking of doing to me/etc. etc.

If your hubby has got to a point where he still initiates sex all the time he may have started to turn off his sexual feelings for you as a self defence mechanism - something I also did - so that he hasn't felt unwanted cos then he was the one in control of when to have sex. But once you start shutting off feelings of any kind for someone, unfortunately others get shut off too.

I realise this may be an oversimplistic idea of what's going on and certainly there's more here than just that, but I would be willing to bet that it could be one part of the whole...

LegacyUser

Hi Joelou,

So sorry for your awful situation.

I saw your thread about this on another board, pre break up where you were worried about his interest in a girl he worked with. I am sorry to say, but I think that although he is adamantly denying a third party, I would almost guarantee that this is the cause of his sudden departure. I know it is hard to come to terms with, but deep down I think you know that this is true. I don't want to reveal too much of what you disclosed on the other thread, because for some reason you have chosen not to include this information here, but I think it is incredibly relevant. He is swearing otherwise because he thinks he is protecting you, and he is trying to save face for himself. All he is doing is prolonging the pain for you.

It might be that he thinks the grass is greener and in time he'll find it's not and he might come back to you. He might be hedging his bets to see what he wants. He may be just infatuated with the other girl and is confused. Either way he needs to be honest with you. You don't just decide to walk away from your family and give no explanation and make no effort whatsoever to try to at least fix it, not when kids are involved.

You need him to be totally honest with you so you can deal with this situation properly and you need to be honest with yourself and good to yourself and don't let him string you along with some vague excuse.

Perhaps I am wrong and totally off the mark, but going on his behaviour before this announcement, I would be inclined to think that he is at the very least thinking of someone else.

I truely feel deeply sorry for you and your children. Be strong and brave and ask him for the truth. It's the least that you deserve.

Hugs to you. xxxxxxxxxx

joelou

We spoke on the phone this morning after I came into work and he explained more he explained that he has been feeling like this for at least six months. He is sick of the constant rowing, sniping and bickering. He said its all we ever do, i really did not think it was that bad but he did. He said he loves his kids to bits and he he does love me (just not in love with me) but he cannot carry on like this anymore.
He says he is moving out that is for sure, it might change something, it might make us stronger it might bring us closer it may break us but its something he needs to do. We were not sure what to do about this weekend but after a lot on tears on both sides we have decided to go ahead. He wants us to go but not if we are going to spend the weekend argueing. I dont think it will change anything between us it is just going to be a break from home nothing more.
He said he wants to rent a house so as he can have the kids over and he is not going to move home as he would end up killing his mother (she is tough work) He said he does not know how things will go, he might be gone for 3 weeks, 2 months, 6 months. We just have to see how it goes....He said he needs to get out and that is for certain.
I understand where he is coming from now in a way. He proposes we put the kids into childcare 3 days a week and he will have them the other two. I am numb...
He is upset, more so when I get upset. I asked him was their anyone else when he told me initially and he said no and I do think I believe him and I did not want to ask him again. He says he has not slept since he told me on Monday, that makes two of us! He knows in his heart that if he ever was unfaithful it would break my heart but truth be told my heart is already broken.
I dont know what to think anymore. It must be me. If he has fallen out of love with me who else is to blame only me. I have lost my passion, exitement, sexiness. I mean I can hardly blame him for the way he feels. We never laugh anymore, the killer is that we are still quite young, both 28. I never thought we would be here. He is very worried that he will be painted as the bad guy and I desperately dont want this to happen. We will tell family it was mutual and that seperating is something we both want.

beth-lou

Honey,

This is not your fault and you havenot lost your sexiness or anything else.

Please don't go along with the mutual seperation lie. You need the support of your family and friends more than ever now, and lying to them to save him from a bad guy tag is very unfair and very selfish of him. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and admit that it is him who wants this. You will only suffer if you play along with this charade.

But truthful and honest. Can I ask, why pay to put the kids in childcare three days a week? If he is not working surely it makes more economic sense for him to mind them until he finds a job? How can he afford rent on another property, maintenance for his kids and childcare? And why would he want to do that if he is around?

I think you need to be a bit stronger here and stop pandering to him and his wants and start thinking about you and your kids.

Fair enough if he has fallen out of love with you, it happens, but it is not your fault. I know your confidence has taken a blow, but please try to surround yourself with friends and family and let them support you and love you the way you deserve. He needs to be a man and stand up and admit that it is him who wants this and it is him who is not willing to try to work it out. Don't take on this lie to protect him. You will only hurt yourself.
xxxx

joelou

I have to go along with the mutual story as I really dont want either family to take side and make him feel worse than he already does. He wants to be able to call and see the kids whenever he needs and I agree. I love him so much and dont want him to be frozen out by anyone. If all he says is true that its just that he has fallen out of love than he does not deserve to be turned on, I worry about him and do not want him to feel guilty for having the guts to tell me the truth about how he truely feels.

Kimia

I agree with the above poster. If he's out of work why doesn't he look after the kids all week rather than spend money on a creche? What will he be doing for those 3 days?

I haven't read the other post but it does sound like there might possibly be someone else involved. Even if he hasn't cheated, maybe his head has been turned by someone else.

That said, that's not your fault. It's nothing to do with your weight or whatever. After a long time together and kids, things do settle and you can't be expected to be the fun loving waif like minx you were when you first met. I'm sure he's not the exact same either.

You need a support system - don't bottle it all up and pretend that it's mutual. You will crack eventually anyway when people think it's ok to mention him to you as if you guys arent' together anymore (you know what i mean). Why should you put more strain on yourself right now when you need to look after yourself after this huge blow?

Time will make it a little better - might be a good thing that he moves out. You may actually get a lease of life and not feel like just a wife and a mother - you might recapture your self again after providing for him and your children for so many years. It's now time to look after you.

So let him move out, lick your wounds, accept support and a shoulder to cry on from close friends and family, and then go out and get your hair done, have a girly night, go for a weekend away (by yourself if you want - you can leave the kids with him!), and slowly but surely your confidence will come back and you will be empowered by thinking that however bad it is to have your heart broken, you are strong enough to get over it and move on.

Nevyn

It sounds like you are in what is the hardest part of a marriage when there are children
that is the first few years once the kids are born.
IT is tought going trying to do it all and fit everything in and now he has lost his job
so the stress levels must have been very high.

Why wasn't he telling you all this when you were asking ?
Why is he so quick to want to jump ship ?
He seems to think that getting out of the family home will fix all his issues,
I very much doubt that is the case.

He has made statements so you have to figure out now what you want and need.
If he moves out and gets himself together will you take him back ?
Will you want to take him back ?
If he has had a bad relationship with his mother then he could be transfering his
issues from her to you now he sees you in the role of a 'mother'.

Seems he is unhappy with how life has turned out and can't see a way of turning it
around with out throwing the baby out with the bath water.

You do need to figure out what you want, what you can have and what you will put up with, and then factor in your children as they will need to have thier Dad in thier lives.

joelou

The reason he cannot take the kids for more days is that about a year ago he got into a fight in a nightclub where he hit a guy. Turns out he knocked out two of his teeth. Now he and the guy met up later on after the incident and he apologised and the guy excepted his apology but the guards followed it through. End result is it finally got to court last week and he got 240 hours community service which he has to start next week.
Its not that he has issues with his mother its just that she would wreck your head. She has a heart of gold but has a great belief in god and tends to go on about it and try to convert you to her way of thinking in that everything is gods will and we all have to change our ways or we are doomed to internal damnation etc...
She cannot sit still and is constantly buzzing around cleaning etc. I would get it hard to live with her myself and I am a very quiet, calm person. Also he would have no comfort with bringing the kids down there. It is a small old house and also his mother follows the kids around holding on to them in case they might fall etc, this aggrevates the kids which in turn winds up dh and me.
I dont know how we will manage finacially, but there seems to be little other options if this is to work for us. Maybe he is being selfish to some extent but I love him and want to save our marraige if we can.
As to why he did not say something sooner I dont know. Earlier when we spoke on the phone I was upset and he did say I should have kept my mouth shut but what would it have gained, surely we are better off being truthful and honest with each other.