How long should I leave it?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This girl that I've been mad about for a good few years now has recently (in the last few weeks) broken up with her boyfriend of 4 years. It seems, from what I've heard, that she broke up with him too, which is good news in a way I suppose.

Anyway my question is- how long should I leave it before making a move?

Also, as we've been mates since we've known each other, how should I approach it? I do get the feeling she's interested in me too, but I don't wanna make it look like I'm sleazing on her cos she's suddenly single?

Any help appreciated!

Jim

Wagon

First thing's first; don't get your hopes up. It's more than likely you are in a little thing called the friend zone. You probably know what this is already but if you are unsure of the signs, which are very misleading, here's a link that will clear things up for you. Well worth the read and it will save you a lot of trouble in the future.

http://www.laddertheory.com/

I've been in your position before. I was best mates with a lady and loved her for many year. Finally told her and was shot down. Hurt a lot and i couldn't be friends after it. i can count the amount of times i've seen her in the last 2 years on one hand. If you are goiong to tell her, be prepared to lose a friend. worst case scenario.

I'd say a few weeks is too soon. What will happen is she'll say that she isn't ready for a relationship and wants to stay single and start getting off with other lads and tell you aaaaall about it. If I'm being completely honest, I don't think you have a chance in hell! I'm not being a bastard but I'm taking that assumption from my own experience, my friends and the threads on this board. chances are she sees you as a big brother. And there's no way out of the friend zone once your in there.

However, if your head is going to be wrecked about it then certainly ask her out just so you have some closure at the very least. You could be one of the lucky bastards and actually have a shot but don't get your hopes up. Best of luck

cantdecide

You will be torn between being there for her out of loyalty/ genuine concern AND trying to get her to realise that you're a class bloke that she could be with. My guess is that if it would happen at all, it will happen sooner rather than later.

The only advice I would give you is to realise that your friendship is already over. You don't have to be d*ck about it but don't end up being her security blanket in the meantime. ie, don't be 100% available and at her beck and call because if she wants you, she'll send for you and if she doesn't, it'll save you the pain of watching her run off with some mysterious new guy...

Wagon

cantdecide wrote: »

The only advice I would give you is to realise that your friendship is already over. You don't have to be d*ck about it but don't end up being her security blanket in the meantime.

Excellent point. A lot of lads make that mistake of thinking "well, she sees me as a nice guy to talk to, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on etc..." It means nothing. You are being used to substitute all the emotional aspects of a relationship and those sexual aspects are often taken care of in the form of one night stands with different assholes who treat them badly and then come running to you for your shoulder to cry on. If she's known you for years then this is what she sees as your job. That's not friendship. It's working as a personal councellor and not getting paid for it.

bubblewrap

Wagon wrote: »

Excellent point. A lot of lads make that mistake of thinking "well, she sees me as a nice guy to talk to, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on etc..." It means nothing. You are being used to substitute all the emotional aspects of a relationship and those sexual aspects are often taken care of in the form of one night stands with different assholes who treat them badly and then come running to you for your shoulder to cry on. If she's known you for years then this is what she sees as your job. That's not friendship. It's working as a personal councellor and not getting paid for it.

Wow what a good post, this is exactly what is happening with my bf and his girl mate. She has loads of male friends who she uses because she misses her ex (we never hear from her when she has a bf). She will have ONS's and flings then go back to the male friends for the company when it is over.

Wibbs

Wagon wrote: »

Excellent point. A lot of lads make that mistake of thinking "well, she sees me as a nice guy to talk to, a good listener, a shoulder to cry on etc..." It means nothing. You are being used to substitute all the emotional aspects of a relationship and those sexual aspects are often taken care of in the form of one night stands with different assholes who treat them badly and then come running to you for your shoulder to cry on. If she's known you for years then this is what she sees as your job. That's not friendship. It's working as a personal councellor and not getting paid for it.

Describes friendzone perfectly. Can you get out of it? Only IME by her not seeing you for a while and her getting attracted to you because of that time apart. Wouldn't bet on it though. She'll either feel it for you sexually and consider a future with you or not. No matter how "logically" good a choice you may be, it won't matter of she doesn't feel it.