Arguing

LegacyUser

How often do you and your partner argue?

Me and my boyfriend argue quite a lot, some down right nasty but mostly just bickering, when we get on though everything is really good but I feel I am controlling over him which is generally what sets rows off. I get jealous, I get upset and angry if he wants to go somewhere without me (not always to his face but he knows I hate it) - I don't want to be like this.

I nag him which annoys me as much as it annoys him, I really need to calming techniques.

Anyway, does arguing mean the end or will working on myself help? I don't want us to split, I just want us to be happy.

(BTW we do drink a lot and generally argue when drunk).

Stheno

Arrrrgue wrote: »

How often do you and your partner argue?

Me and my boyfriend argue quite a lot, some down right nasty but mostly just bickering, when we get on though everything is really good but I feel I am controlling over him which is generally what sets rows off. I get jealous, I get upset and angry if he wants to go somewhere without me (not always to his face but he knows I hate it) - I don't want to be like this.

I nag him which annoys me as much as it annoys him, I really need to calming techniques.

Anyway, does arguing mean the end or will working on myself help? I don't want us to split, I just want us to be happy.

(BTW we do drink a lot and generally argue when drunk).

Have you tried cutting out the booze and seeing does that make a difference?

And if you are arguing due to you being controlling, would it not be better to work on your control issues?

I'd rarely argue with my partner tbh.

Beruthiel

Arrrrgue wrote: »

(BTW we do drink a lot and generally argue when drunk).

Think you've answered your own question there, no?

Miss Fluff

If you drink a lot no harm in taking a break from it for a while. Why don't you both agree to cut it out for a month or two and put the money you saved by towards taking a nice holiday together or something? Arguing when p1ssed is in no way helpful, you'll both end up angry and frustrated and things will be said which you wouldn't normally say when sober. Cut it out for a while and see if things improve.

LegacyUser

I guess you are right, he does have a bit of an alcohol problem which doesn't help, I shouldn't encourage him by drinking myself so maybe a drink free week would be a good experiment, it won't be easy though.

When you look at it, drunk people aren't always the nicest to be around are they so if you are always drunk then it isn't going to be pleasant.

We have been getting on really well lately too but had a stinker of a row last night, which was awful as I didn't sleep a wink.

How can I just chill out though and stop whinging at him? Sometimes I act like his mother.

His drinking does make him quite unreliable though and it frustrates me.

Das Kitty

Try to work out your issues sober. These things are coming out with the drink because you're not addressing them and letting them build up.

Here's a link that I think is good RE rules for arguing. If you can follow most of them, arguing will become something productive rather than destructive as it is at the moment.

http://www.dumblittleman.com/2007/12/arguing-101-learn-rules.html

bubblewrap

Definately stop the drinking! Give yourselves one week on then one week off and record the patterns...you will soon see. I am a cow face when I have had a drink, if I was drunk all of the time, I would have no friends!

Obviously when you are drunk, things are said which aren't meant then it builds up.

When you feel yourself getting angry or upset, think of the happy times, when you first met etc...if you feel angry, walk out of the room for a minute, take some deep breaths. I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut sometimes but you need to back off from time to time and give each other space to calm down.

prinz

Arrrrgue wrote: »

How often do you and your partner argue?

Me and my boyfriend argue quite a lot, some down right nasty but mostly just bickering, when we get on though everything is really good but I feel I am controlling over him which is generally what sets rows off. I get jealous, I get upset and angry if he wants to go somewhere without me (not always to his face but he knows I hate it) - I don't want to be like this.

I nag him which annoys me as much as it annoys him, I really need to calming techniques.

Anyway, does arguing mean the end or will working on myself help? I don't want us to split, I just want us to be happy.

(BTW we do drink a lot and generally argue when drunk).

Yup cut the drink. Nothing worse than a mouthy angry drunk. That could easily lead to a argument turning into a fight turning into getting out of control.

I generally argue with myself.Not my OH.She does the same. Then when we're tired of arguing in our heads we get together and talk to each other calmly and rationally. Just try to improve communication.Nagging is never good. Work on yourself and your controlling issues, that should set a lot right in the relationship.

There are a lot of simple things to do to try to curb arguments, such as writing down the things you have a problem with, and trying not a bicker as a knee-jerk reaction to something.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the help, my boyfriend is actually going for counselling regarding drink but obviously it will be a continuous struggle. What I need to know is what kind of things can we do together than won't involve the demon drink? It is all too easy to have a nice day out then go for a drink on the way home, we need to avoid that if possible.

prinz

Arrrgue wrote: »

Cheers for the help, my boyfriend is actually going for counselling regarding drink but obviously it will be a continuous struggle. What I need to know is what kind of things can we do together than won't involve the demon drink? It is all too easy to have a nice day out then go for a drink on the way home, we need to avoid that if possible.

If you can't think of anything besides booze then you should go to counselling too tbh.

Sport, nightclasses, bowling, cinema, and so on und so weiter to infinity.

cantdecide

"our drinking" shouldn't be even come into a relationship. I think you both need to do some soul searching...

shellyboo

Arrrgue wrote: »

Cheers for the help, my boyfriend is actually going for counselling regarding drink but obviously it will be a continuous struggle. What I need to know is what kind of things can we do together than won't involve the demon drink? It is all too easy to have a nice day out then go for a drink on the way home, we need to avoid that if possible.

How about having a nice day out and NOT going for a drink on the way home?

If you really cannot think of activities to do with your bf that don't involve drink, you have a problem.

Stheno

Arrrgue wrote: »

Cheers for the help, my boyfriend is actually going for counselling regarding drink but obviously it will be a continuous struggle. What I need to know is what kind of things can we do together than won't involve the demon drink? It is all too easy to have a nice day out then go for a drink on the way home, we need to avoid that if possible.

If you must go for a drink on the way home, then just have a soft drink/mineral water etc.

Otherwise there are loads of things you can do that don't need to involve drink, dinner out (some great deals on lately), cinema, bowling, theatre trips, sporting events, comedy nights, etc.

If you are not drinking booze, you might well find you are saving a fortune, and can afford to do stuff you'd not previously have done too

MeMyself&I

I dont understand, if your B'F has issues associated with alcohol, why do you go out drinking together. Should you not be a supporting influence on him. This worries me alot. By going out with him, i feel you are encouraging the drinking sessions. Regularing alchohol fuelled outgoings must be stopped altogether.

As for the arguing, i think if your b'f works out his problems, then some sort of harmony might come to your relationship.

I think for the time being is just a matter of supporting him, dont get into situations that may case a row, just help him, and maybe this might help your relationship.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your help, it means so much. I know I am not a good influence at the moment but last night we had a proper chat because he had a bit of a bad relapse when I was at work and got so drunk at home so I said no alcohol passes our front door now, I control the finances so he has just enough money for dinner at work and cigarettes, he has agreed this so that is good.

Maybe a few on a Saturday afternoon as it isn't realistic or healthy to go cold turkey right away, he is seeing his counsellor this week anyway so that is good.

He said last night I have been so brilliant with him and looked after him when he was in a mess. I think it is definately definately the drink that makes us argue.