Feel let down by partner

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this as people may know my ID and I would appreciate honest feedack please!

I have been with my partner for over 7 years, fully committed and loving relationship. Marriage has never been something we feel the need for but at Christmas, out of the blue, my partner presented me with the most beautiful ring (diamonds and platinum). I was delighted and thrilled and we made our promises to be 'committed' to each other (just the 2 of us at home by the Xmastree), opened the champers and then went to show our family, great celebrations and congrats all round! I have worn it with love and pride since on my wedding finger since that is the value of commitment we both promised to each other.

This weekend I had pulled out all the stops and organised a suprise birthday party with friends and family for my partner. We hadnt told our friends and eventually the ring was spotted. I wsa thrilled telling the friends the story when one took offence that they were not told (a VERY longstanding friend of my partner). Instead of explaning our committment and low key celebrations, my partner said that "it was no big deal"... and that "I only bought a ring, people took it to mean whatever they wanted"..

I couldnt believe my ears! We had had a family meal with our parents to celebrate, relatives had rang to enquire about the news and offer their congrats and it was, to me anyway, the happiest day of our relationship and I had NO reason to think otherwise.

Needless to say I am extremely hurt and feel betrayed by partners ill placed loyalty to this 'friend' and that they would downplay what was a beautiful moment and belittle our relationship in such a casual manner to try and please this person.

I would appreciate your opinions, I'm at a loss and beginning to doubt myself. Let me be clear that I am by NO means a drama queen, always very level headed about everything.. Im just very hurt!

Otis Driftwood

TBH it does sound like you are making mountains out of molehills.Generally blokes are different from women.When people you know got engaged who was the one gushing about it.Id hazard a guess that it was the female,or at least thats been the case with ALL of my friends.Every single time the bloke is pretty meh about it and makes off the cuff comments like - sure it was about time I did it etc -
You are reading far too much into his reaction.

nedoo

Why has it taken 3 months to tell people?

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'd say he was just trying to spare his mates feelings. There could be plenty of innocent reasons his mate wasn't told

cantdecide

It probably wasn't intentional, just a knee jerk reaction based on the decision to not let people know. You sound like you both share a wonderful relationship so don't go all fire and brimstone about a possible slip of the tongue....

LegacyUser

OP here - do you really think so? It was said at the table in front of everyone including my partners sister who was just as shocked so it wasnt a casual thing just to the friend. Let me clear that NONE of our friends had been told, we live at the other end of the country and this was our first big meet up since Xmas together, we didnt want or need any big anouncement or gushing about it. It was a quiet and family thing and the only reason it was bought up the weekend was because the ring was spotted.

I cant fathom why my partner would backtrack so much about the siginificance of it and find it very disrespectful. Im absolutely the last one for drama and attention (cant abide it) but am seriously hurt by this.

Rosiecheeks

Sounds like he was just trying to save his friend's feelings.
Maybe your partner doesn't like all this fuss & party stuff either, is that your idea?

Wagon

You've been together 7 years, he bought you a great ring and has pretty much told you he wants to spend his life with you. I think he was just trying to keep things calm with his friend. Didn't want to ruin the good times for everyone especially if this friend is the type to cause a scene. From what you posted, he still loves you.

ManOfMystery

He could have been more tactful, but don't read into it too much - it sounds like he was simply trying to lessen the blow it had on this 'friend' who seemed to be annoyed they weren't told. I presume your bf didn't downplay it to anyone else who was genuinely happy for you both?

At the end of the day - he's put the ring on your finger and is obviously happy to be committed to you, that speaks volumes.

Rosiecheeks

Another way of looking at it - this 'friend' was being selfish at being so openly demonstrative of his displeasure in front of you, I would have thought that was unecessary. So perhaps think of it that way rather than putting blame on your partner. There is obviously an issue there with their friendship.

IzzyWizzy

Ouch. Whether he meant it or not, that's an INCREDIBLY thoughtless and insensitive comment. I would NOT be pleased if I heard my partner say that. Don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I cant fathom why my partner would backtrack so much about the siginificance of it and find it very disrespectful.

Did you say the above to your partner?
If not, why not?

neuro-praxis

I am confused. Are you engaged to be married or not?

LegacyUser

I dont get this, he gave you a ring but ye are not engaged, but you are going around showing it to everyone and "great celebrations and congrats" and talk of "telling people" -but there was nothing really to tell.....you said you'd be committed to each other but sort of ....so what?

I mean people say all sorts of stuff, but it doesn't mean anything in reality. I think he just gave you the ring and you overblew the whole thing and got carried away with nothing at all.

Are you sure people dont think you're engaged or something?

If a friend of mine told me she got a ring and was now committed forever I would just go "oh great" to humour them and secretly wonder why they were telling me this hardly momentous non news.

Like I dont believe in marriage but on the other hand if you are gonna be committed forever and have a ring and going around telling this story to people etc then everyone no doubt thinks you are engaged.

LegacyUser

Hi - OP here again and thnaks to ALL replies, you have grounded me a bit. Just to clarify, and I dont know if it makes a difference, but my partner is female and I am too. Thats why the 'committment ' was the most siginifcant thing as it is as close to engagement / marriage that we can avail of in this country. We are 'out' as a couple to all family menebers, friends, work colleagues so no 'down playing' was needed.

Our families are delighted we chose to take this step together and thats why we had a low key affair with immediate family and no 'formal' announcement required. Oh, I dont know, I have relaxed a bit with some of the perspectives offered here and thanks for that. However, given our situation, it was very hurtful to have what was the most important step in our relationship so casually belittled in order to please a 'friend'.

Oh The Humanity

I started off with the impression you hadn't got engaged but just said you would be committed forever....so I thought it was just a moment between ye.

But then

We hadnt told our friends and eventually the ring was spotted. I wsa thrilled telling the friends the story when one took offence that they were not told

Told them what ....so it seems you are engaged?