Partner's friend / our adopted 22 year old child driving me mad.

smileykey

This shouldn't be a major problem but its making me really angry and bitter and I fear it will cause problems between me and my partner. Basically me an the OH decided in October to move country together. One of her friends decided to invite herself along. I've had a problem from the begining, since the last thing a young couple moving country to create a life together need is a tag along. My OH insisted that she'd never save enough money or would back out last minute. Well she didn't and we're all here now. I could deal with that except she's like an unwanted child. She's lived with her parents until now, she can't cook, she can't do anything on her own, (needs my OH to hold her hand) and she completely isn't pulling her weight.

Me and my partner do all the cooking for the three of us. The original agreement was that she'd do the dishes but has done them about 3 times since we moved here, over a month ago. I do all the household cleaning. My partner has told her on numerous occasions that she has to start doing more but nothing becomes of it. My partner is all about keeping the peace. She would blame me if I were to get angry with your one, even though politely telling her to get her ass in gear doesn't work. When I decide that I'm not going to cook for her anymore my partner does it for me. I'm starting to get in bad mood whenever the housemate is around. I come home from a tiring day in work only to cook her meals and clean up after her! I really resent her treating us like we are her slaves, not ot mention even coming with us in the first place. And I'm starting to get angry with my partner over it because she holds me back from doing anything abou it. I'm going to explode someday and it will cause war.

I am being completely unreasonable? Should I try give the girl a chance? I was raised to be very independent so this behaviour is alien to me. I'm trying to see it from her point of view but I can't because I would never treat anyone like this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

mukki

its too long to read but your dead right to be peeved

if i was in that boat i'd give the partner the option of her or me.

tony1kenobi

Just get her out. She sounds like a parasite and you are being taken for a ride.

wasper

smileykey wrote: »

This shouldn't be a major problem but its making me really angry and bitter and I fear it will cause problems between me and my partner. Basically me an the OH decided in October to move country together. One of her friends decided to invite herself along. I've had a problem from the begining, since the last thing a young couple moving country to create a life together need is a tag along. My OH insisted that she'd never save enough money or would back out last minute. Well she didn't and we're all here now. I could deal with that except she's like an unwanted child. She's lived with her parents until now, she can't cook, she can't do anything on her own, (needs my OH to hold her hand) and she completely isn't pulling her weight.

Me and my partner do all the cooking for the three of us. The original agreement was that she'd do the dishes but has done them about 3 times since we moved here, over a month ago. I do all the household cleaning. My partner has told her on numerous occasions that she has to start doing more but nothing becomes of it. My partner is all about keeping the peace. She would blame me if I were to get angry with your one, even though politely telling her to get her ass in gear doesn't work. When I decide that I'm not going to cook for her anymore my partner does it for me. I'm starting to get in bad mood whenever the housemate is around. I come home from a tiring day in work only to cook her meals and clean up after her! I really resent her treating us like we are her slaves, not ot mention even coming with us in the first place. And I'm starting to get angry with my partner over it because she holds me back from doing anything abou it. I'm going to explode someday and it will cause war.

I am being completely unreasonable? Should I try give the girl a chance? I was raised to be very independent so this behaviour is alien to me. I'm trying to see it from her point of view but I can't because I would never treat anyone like this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

You have to put your foot down. Either you go or she goes. It's not fair that you are both young & need to enjoy the moments together without hangers. If this relationship develops further might have children then you would have missed those moments.

Locamon

Sounds like you are all fairly young...early 20s? Is it possible your OH is not completely committed as yet and sees this as some support from her friend, if so I would calm down and treat her like a member of any shared house and discuss the house rules. Freaking out and pushing her friend away might actual push your OH away in the process.

R.D. aka MR.D

You need to put your foot down with your OH and tell her that the three of you are sharing the house and will treat her like a housemate and therefore you will talk to her in that manner.

If your OH wants to cook for her friend and it isn't infringing in planned time you two have together then there isn't really much you can do.

So just speak to the friend about the things are directly effecting you and try your best to live your life.
Is this a short term move? or does she have long term plans?

However every relationship is different and you and your OH will have your own way of dealing with things. It requires a frank talk and some compromise.

Samba

Im gonna take a guess that she doesn't cook or clean because she doesn't know how to...

Which leads me to this question, do you actually want her doing any cooking or cleaning?

Because it might actually annoy you more


It sounds like you are just unhappy with the fact that she's there. I don't think that's unreasonable if originally, just the two of you had planned to go.

She's there now and as mentioned, probably for a reason.

However I would not be too hasty to adopt the I go or she goes mantra as it could seriously backfire, consider how protective she has been of her friend.

O.k, so she wont cook, she needs to pull her weight in areas where she can, perhaps she could take care of the shopping, throw in some extra cash or some gesture to compensate for the total lack of contribution in the household department.

Whatever you do, don't let it get to boiling point as nothing good can come from a roaring session(as good as it might feel in the short run), it will only cause serious strain on your relationship with your gf.

You need to put the foot down alright, just be careful where it lands.

Jack B. Badd

Samba wrote: »

Im gonna take a guess that she doesn't cook or clean because she doesn't know how to...

Which leads me to this question, do you actually want her doing any cooking or cleaning?

Because it might actually annoy you more

The wonderful thing about the human animal is that it can learn. Or is it that she doesn't want to learn? What does she do when ye go on holiday, OP? Starve for the week?

Oh The Humanity

Get her out.

You'r girlfriend needs to wake up and get real. How would she feel if you had brought along an annoying dependant parasite mate of yours ?

You need to talk to your girlfriend alone and explain to her that you didn't sign up for this, that you want her gone and if she (girlfriend) continues to fail to do anything about it then you will do it yourself.

Your girlfriend is sticking her head in the sand deliberately, she is paying lip service to sorting out the problem, but her actions show she has no real intentions of sorting it out at all.

My partner is all about keeping the peace. She would blame me if I were to get angry with your one, even though politely telling her to get her ass in gear doesn't work.

Ah, she needs to grow up, this is ridiculous, her expectation that you allow this pain in the ass invade your lives is naive in the extreme.

The fact that you are putting up with this unwanted lodger is outrageous, show your girlfriend this thread. She needs to get real.

John_Mc

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

Get her out.

You'r girlfriend needs to wake up and get real. How would she feel if you had brought along an annoying dependant parasite mate of yours ?

You need to talk to your girlfriend alone and explain to her that you didn't sign up for this, that you want her gone and if she (girlfriend) continues to fail to do anything about it then you will do it yourself.

Your girlfriend is sticking her head in the sand deliberately, she is paying lip service to sorting out the problem, but her actions show she has no real intentions of sorting it out at all.



Ah, she needs to grow up, this is ridiculous, her expectation that you allow this pain in the ass invade your lives is naive in the extreme.

The fact that you are putting up with this unwanted lodger is outrageous, show your girlfriend this thread. She needs to get real.

+1 Well said

Samba

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

The wonderful thing about the human animal is that it can learn.

Having lived with 3 individuals who sound very similar, in my experience they didn't want to change.

And all the nagging/moaning in the world, generally just makes things worse!

This type of creature is one of habit.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all your advice, It's good to know that I'm not the one being unreasonable. Although that knowledge just made things worse. In a conversation about how much she was getting to me I suggested that when our lease is up in 5 months we get a place for just the 2 of us and start living as the family we want to be. She saw this as me wanting to kick your one out on the street (well, yeah) and it errupted into an arguement. I don't know what to do. She really isn't worth losing my OH for but living with her is making me so angry. I'm not the angry type and I don't like this new part of me that she's bringing out.

Now I either have to apologise to my OH for making a reasonable suggestion or fall asleep on an arguement, something she knows I can't do.

Beruthiel

smileykey wrote: »

I am being completely unreasonable?

No.
You are a saint for living with it this long.

Not if my life depended upon it would I have ever let myself into that situation in the first place.
See I know myself well enough to get the fact that living with a third person under such circumstances means you cannot ever 100% totally relax in your own home.

If I were in your shoes now - I would be telling my OH that I didn't sign up for a manage a trois. In fact, perhaps if you suggested one, the friend would be gone pretty sharpish.

Seriously though, tell your OH that you've had enough and you no longer want to live with this person.
Tell her exactly how you feel about this situation and be firm.

Oh The Humanity

She saw this as me wanting to kick your one out on the street (well, yeah)

Well yeah ! Exactly!

Look, make it clear that YES you DO want her out.
Let that sink in to her head. Just because your girl has some ridiculous misplaced loyalty where she seems to believe she is responsible for the roof over this ones head and the food in her belly doesnt mean you have to join in the ridiculous delusion!

Whether she ends up on the street is her own business, not your girlfriends and certainly not yours. Listen when you have a child you decide to, you dont just get one thrust on you that you had no say in.

Point out to your girlfriend that your woman is a grown adult and has outstayed her welcome.

LegacyUser

Would you not just try sit down with both of them and talk about all this like adults before giving ultimatums and threating to throw people out. You said you moved to another country. I know that would terrify me as I am very close to my friensds. Your girlfriend could be trying to hold onto another link from home.
I really think you are over reacting. If you could sort out a rota and talk like adults instead of going behind each others backs, I'm sure you could sort something out. I know if I gave my girl the choice between me and her friend, I'd be gone for even suggesting she should choose. Some people are just loyal, even if it is stupid.

iguana

How about showing your gf this thread. Let her see how upset you are, how much you love her and how most people think you are in a horrible position.

My husband and I lived with a third person when we first moved in together and it was awful. Luckily, he was a friend of a friend to both of us, so when it became apparent that the situation was not good we were in agreement about needing to move out. We lived with him for 8 months and I can say without exaggeration that the experience caused wounds in our relationship that were still festering a few years later.

As a couple we never had that "honeymoon" period that a couples enjoy when they first live together as within 10 days we both knew the living situation was a problem. Individually we both had problems with out flatmate, who was also lazy and selfish, but when we could never sort things out with him, we would take our frustrations out on each other. Instead of spending our first months learning how to live together as a unit and find ways of compromising, we learned how to quietly resent things until they exploded and it took a very long time to unlearn that behaviour once we got our own place. So my advice is to deal with this situation asap.

LegacyUser

I can also relate. I allowed my boyfriends mate to move in with us when we began living together. Whoah!

Biggest mistake ever! He was an utter pain in the ass, he talked psuedo knowledgably over EVERY programme we tried to watch, thought he was an authority on absolutely EVERYTHING. In reality he was a naive, inexperienced fool who coulnd't even hold down a job during the celtic tiger.

I have him the room at 100 euros cheaper than the going rate as he was a "friend" -the first month he tried to stiff me on the rent claiming he thought it would be being paid in ARREARS instead of in advance!

He was dependant and always cried poverty so was let off certain bills (ie heating...he liked the house not too hot, yet had no problem sitting in the warm room every night)
Every week he came home with new clothes, he invited who he liked to stay with no discussion and then they would end up slobbing on the couch for days.

He would go off leaving downstairs windows open. Once left the gas fire on for 4 days, I had showed him how to turn it off and all I got was "yeah yeah yeah I know"

We have a dishwasher yet he left his dirty dishes in the sink, blocking it up endlessly in a tiny kitchen. He was messy, rude, sulky, selfish, irritating, invasive...the lot
He NEVER did any communal tasks like emptying the dishwasher or cleaning the bathroom, yet I would clean the house from top to bottom if his girlfriend was coming, I could not have been more welcoming.

Of course my boyfriend couldn't see a problem -I put up with him for about 3 months then I told him my sister was coming to live and he had to go. I had to, he was only supposed to be there for 8 weeks while he was on a temporary work placement, but once he got in he had no intentions of ever leaving.

He never again mentioned the fact that it was only temporary and kept jumping the gun putting the rent into my account so he could stay another month. I gave him his notice and he acted huffy, I didnt care at that stage I needed him out. He was so irritating, he hardly ever went out. We got no privacy. He was also noisy and inconsiderate.

In the end he went, the relief was massive. Like your girlfriend I think my boyfriend might have just been a bit nervous moving in together for the first time but let me tell you as soon as that sucker was out of there we never missed him for a second and we get on like a house on fire.

Your girlfriend is having her cake and eating it. Roger the Lodger needs to GO !

Redpunto

She needs to cope herself on and its not an unreasonable thing to expect. Your OH might just be embarassed by her friends behaviour and just wants "happy familes".

If your OH is committed in the relationship she'll need to see sense and realise what a stress its putting on the relationship as one of these days you will snap and whose side will she take?