Help from the Girls Please! Mad about Friend

LegacyUser

Girls, any advice you might be able to give would be greatly appreciated.

I'm friends with a great girl for 3/4 years. We talk to each other regularly, meet up regularly, she relies on me for a lot support with her personal and professional live (but not relationship wise). We are both single, in our early 30s, and I have fallen for her. I realise there is a strong chance I may be in the "zone" but my head is addled the last few months. I have made the decision to discuss this with her. I do believe it would be good for both of us. It may be cliched but I do not want to shock, do not want to embarass, and at the very least would hope that she would be flattered. I know it may affect our friendship but would also hope that can be overcome.

Basically the questions that I would ask the girls is how would you/have reacted being confronted by a male friend like this? Would you have been embarassed/angry/flattered (I know some would have been delighted but that doesn't mean that I will end up happy). Would you have ever made the move yourself with a friend.

mazroo

As CASUAL as possible is how ye break it to her.. Dont blurt it out as one of my closest mates did.. He became very clingy and sensitive!!!

Ill get to that in a mo

But maybe start getting a little closer.. ie.. flirty and what ifs ect...and then see what her reaction is... if she is receptive... then go for it. if not. i wouldnt rock the boat..

My mate confessed and just hammered it to me when we were sharing a bed one night and it was AWKWARD!!! He then drew right back and we lost our friendship... We used to do everything togeather.. He then, and i suppose i cant blame him, pulled back so he wouldnt get hurt but i missed his friendship and i couldnt deal with it either.. the awkwardness. I loved him but i was never inlove with him.. So .. be carefull and i hope it works out for ya

Soul Stretcher

You have fallen for her.... the friendship is over.... what I mean by this is that you will not to be able to remain just-friends with her without it taking a huge emotional toll on you.... anyways why torture yourself like that ? (been there done that - I know it's not easy).

You have a choice to make.

1. Push your love for her under the carpet. Continue being her asexual "friend". Until one night, perhaps when you're drunk, losing the run of yourself, being unable to hold it in any longer and blurting it out to her in an exagerrated manner and freaking her out.

2. Do what you need to do to win her. And I mean WIN her. Despite this post-feminist society, our mating rituals have been hard-wired into our brains since we lived in caves. This is what I would do (well, what I hope I would do !!):

A. Withdraw from her - cut contact to 50% of its present level.

B. Get a makeover - new haircut, new clothes etc.

C. Make a change in your life - any change e.g. start a night course, start playing soccer once a week.

D. This point is crucial. Start talking to other women - maybe even ask another woman out for drinks. Why ? Build in a jealousy plotline. Get her thinking " This guy has options..." "She seems really into him".

E. After a month - 2 months, start "dating" her. Meet her in a nice bar for a few drinks. FLIRT. Subtly at first - tell her you like her perfume. Then increase it...start touching her elbow when talking to her....place your hand in the small of her back when the 2 of you enter a room - and then take it away..... tell her you been out on a date with Ms Y and it was great and everything... but in your head you ended up compared Ms Y to HER and Ms Y came up short.... there will probably be a silence as she takes this in...

F. After you say "Ms Y came up short"... say nothing... look staight into her eyes for 3 seconds.... glance down at her lips... look back into her eyes and ask her " Do you want to kiss me ?"

G. Don't wait for an answer - more than likely she won't say anything straight away. After 3 seconds, move your head towards hers and place your lips upon hers......

H. well.... that is still to be written... whatever happens... you will forever have the knowledge that you made a valiant effort and gave it your best shot....

This whole plan IS contrived but look at this way. In 5 years time, she will probably be married with kids. Do you want a man she has yet to meet to be sharing her matrimonial bed or do you want that pleasure ?

The choice really is yours.

Captain-America

I'm only seventeen, so feel free to regard my advice as null, but in my experience you wouldn't go back to being the friends ye once were if you made your move.

What I'd advise (but not necessarily do), would be to hang on to the friendship and let the crush slide. In a year or two you might be happy you did.

aare

Soul Stretcher wrote: »

You have fallen for her.... the friendship is over.... what I mean by this is that you will not to be able to remain just-friends with her without it taking a huge emotional toll on you.... anyways why torture yourself like that ? (been there done that - I know it's not easy).

You have a choice to make.

1. Push your love for her under the carpet. Continue being her asexual "friend". Until one night, perhaps when you're drunk, losing the run of yourself, being unable to hold it in any longer and blurting it out to her in an exagerrated manner and freaking her out.

2. Do what you need to do to win her. And I mean WIN her. Despite this post-feminist society, our mating rituals have been hard-wired into our brains since we lived in caves. This is what I would do (well, what I hope I would do !!):

<...snipped for brevity...>

This whole plan IS contrived but look at this way. In 5 years time, she will probably be married with kids. Do you want a man she has yet to meet to be sharing her matrimonial bed or do you want that pleasure ?

The choice really is yours.

Good grief, I'll still be counting the guys I dismissed, over the years, as "not that into me", "totally into someone else", or even just plain "messing with my head" who were ACTUALLY doing what they needed to do to WIN me, some time on wednesday!

Personally, I really, REALLY don't think it is a great idea to use this kind of "strategy" with ANYONE, let alone some who knows, and trusts, you as a friend.

I think you are better off to just be straight with her. The one thing soul stretcher is right about is that your friendship is probably largely over either way...or at any rate it will change out of recognition.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

Whatever you do dont re-invent yourself - if she likes you for who you are things will fall into place

Joey the lips

Me and the o/h were friend before we went out. Just as the poster says above sit her down and say " I think your...... But I understand I am a good friend so will respect both our friendships and stay that way but if your doing nothing for the next 50 years give me a buzz" be light casual but serious in what you mean. Make sure she understands that you still want to be great friends if she does not feel the same.

Its a difficult on but if your feelings are at that point there is noting will help you ignore them bar leaving her so I figure you have lost her already.

Good luck!

cantdecide

I'd avoid the cunning plans. Don't get drunk, back her into a corner and lay it on her. Also don't start a sales campaign or reinvention of yourself. At a good opportunity, explain where you're coming from and tell her that you know it may mean the end of the friendship which is important to you but that's just how serious you are about her. You must be able to seperate at that stage but you can't leave her alone in the middle of a busy pub or something like that. It must be at a time and in a place where she can reflect either way...

LegacyUser

OH here. Thanks for the thoughts.

Yeah, my own thinking is that I have to do something, and without alcohol.

We often meet for dinner, and I think the best thing to do is to raise it at the end of the meal, and give her the opportunity to think about it if that is what she needs. In all honestly the major concern for me is to avoid hurting her - some will think that corny, others will think I'm mad.

It is an extremely difficult situation though. I will be saying this to her one time ever, and will just want to move on if it is not something that interests her.

Girls, any of you get with friends after a significant amount of time? Were you too shy to ask? Never real think about it before?

Wibbs

Actually, I can see where Soul Stretcher is going. All the way up to F and the do you want to kiss me. That part is likely to leave her looking at her shoes or laughing. As I say I see where he's going. He's advising the OP to change or attempt to change how she sees him. By backing off, moving away, changing his appearance and life, it might trigger a change of opinion and get him out of the friend zone. I would say IME most of the couples I've known that went from mates to lovers, either had that somewhat in play from the start(on the woman's side) or spent time apart with little contact.