My boyfriend's an asshole when he's drunk

Giggy

Just as the title says! My boyfriend and I get on really well most of the time but when we go out for a night together and get drunk he always ends up getting nasty, saying something nasty, unprovoked I might add, I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells because anything I say he could pick up as a dig at him. We can never go out and enjoy ourselves and have a good time like other couples would. And we don't get to go out that often so when we do I would love to just go and have a good time and have a laugh and forget about troubles in life. Never happens though unless I go out with my friends. 9 times out of 10 he will say something or act like a complete asshole and just ruin my night, giving me sh*t for no reason. I've told him all this and sometimes he realises how much of an asshole he has been and says he won't drink as much and other times he just ignores me, like he's hoping it'll all go away and I'll just forget about it. Just don't know what to do, I know he's not going to change, that's just the way he is when he's drunk. We're together 4 years, am I wasting my time with someone that I'll never be able to enjoy myself with on a night out???:mad:

impr0v

Well what do you think, honestly?

In vino veritas and all that. The fact that most people can get safely drunk without turning into some kind of monster means that there's nothing actually in the alcohol that does it - the asshole is already there waiting to be set free.

tinkerbell

When I first read this I first thought tell him to stop drinking since he obviously can't handle his drink at all. But then you're not gonna be able to tell somebody to stop drinking unless they wanna actually stop themselves.

Bit of a random suggestion, but perhaps you could buy a little tape recorder and carry it out with you when he's drunk. Once he goes off on one of his mad asshole drunken rants, start recording him. Play it back to him then the next day. Reason I'm suggesting this is perhaps he thinks you're either making this stuff up or that you're exaggerating on how "asshole"-ish he is being. It might change his attitude to drinking then if he realises how awful he's being to you.

star-pants

impr0v wrote: »

The fact that most people can get safely drunk without turning into some kind of monster means that there's nothing actually in the alcohol that does it - the asshole is already there waiting to be set free.

Quite true ^^^
If he's being told the things he says and does when drunk, and how hurtful they are, you'd think he'd want to prevent that. If it's been the same over 4 years and no change, it's somewhat unlikely he will. But all you can do is ask him maybe to do a trial of no drink - join him in no drinking even! Just to see how ye get on.

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years when we met she was a terrible nasty drunk, frankly it took two years, but she improved. I had never experienced anything like that in my previous relationship and was shocked at myself for putting up with it. For a very long time I avoided putting an ultimatim to her but I began to lose respect for both her and myself. I knew she was better than how she behaved, that she had real class. I told her these things and more, she realised what she was doing and was ashamed, she began to improve and I tried to be patient. So far, so good but we have the very odd bad night, though never as bad as it was.

I've always tried to have respect for myself and looking back I can't believe what I put up with and for so long. I know now though, that I couldn't have tolerated it indefinitely. It took an awful lot of effort to fix bcause its a drink thing and is not done conciously but speaking as a man and with respct, I think you should be careful with us when you see us taking a head in the sand approach, doing nothing is the easiest thing and we are lazy like that.

Its more than a night out thing, its a question of your mutual respect, make him see the principle behind the situation, we should only enhance the self-respect, esteem and confidence of our loved one's not undermine it. Sorry about the length its just an isue that cuts close to the bone for me. I wish you the best of luck.

Giggy

Thanks for that, I have put up with a lot of stuff from him when he's drunk, like yourself unreg, there's some stuff I can't believe I put up with and would be ashamed to admit. Because we don't go out every weekend it's not often I see that side of him. But the problem is that it's every time that he drinks and for the moment because of things like money I don't see him acting like this that often, but things will change when we can go out often, and then what? I don't know how to get him to change and I've tried explaining it to him but he forgets it all as soon as drink comes into the situation. The tape recorder is not a bad idea, but sometimes he starts so out of the blue that it'd be hard to catch it.

Nervous Wreck

Giggy wrote: »

Just as the title says! My boyfriend and I get on really well most of the time but when we go out for a night together and get drunk he always ends up getting nasty, saying something nasty, unprovoked I might add, I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells because anything I say he could pick up as a dig at him. We can never go out and enjoy ourselves and have a good time like other couples would. And we don't get to go out that often so when we do I would love to just go and have a good time and have a laugh and forget about troubles in life. Never happens though unless I go out with my friends. 9 times out of 10 he will say something or act like a complete asshole and just ruin my night, giving me sh*t for no reason. I've told him all this and sometimes he realises how much of an asshole he has been and says he won't drink as much and other times he just ignores me, like he's hoping it'll all go away and I'll just forget about it. Just don't know what to do, I know he's not going to change, that's just the way he is when he's drunk. We're together 4 years, am I wasting my time with someone that I'll never be able to enjoy myself with on a night out???:mad:

I've been kinda an ass to my girlfriend while drunk the last few weeks. Only while drunk. And its caused a few fights. So I'm gonna give up the drink for a while (2 months at least). We're going out with a bunch of workmates tonight and I'll be on the Becks N.A.. She didn't ask me to stop drinking, I knew it was necessary from the look on her face the day after I'd caused yet another stupid fight.

LegacyUser

Going unregged with this as well.

I've been on your Bf's side of this and generally what was happening was all the baggage I was holding back came to the surface with the drink.

We talked about it and hopefully working on issues instead of withholding them will help.

Giggy

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

I've been kinda an ass to my girlfriend while drunk the last few weeks. Only while drunk. And its caused a few fights. So I'm gonna give up the drink for a while (2 months at least). We're going out with a bunch of workmates tonight and I'll be on the Becks N.A.. She didn't ask me to stop drinking, I knew it was necessary from the look on her face the day after I'd caused yet another stupid fight.

Good for you nervous wreck, maybe you could talk some sense to my boyfriend

Unreg, Think he is holding back a lot of issues alright, he's not the best at talking about his feelings and when he gets drunk it all comes out as an attack and just seems angry even though I've done nothing wrong and am just trying to enjoy my night. I probably won't bring this up again until the next time it happens and then I'll have to give him an ultimatum I think.

Oh The Humanity

Giggy wrote: »

I know he's not going to change, that's just the way he is when he's drunk. We're together 4 years, am I wasting my time with someone that I'll never be able to enjoy myself with on a night out???:mad:

I would have to say yes, you are wasting your time with this guy and also from experience here, it will get worse.

My ex was Jeckyl and Hyde, fine when sober but a total a$$ when drunk. Fine on a one to one, but as soon as we were in company, the nasty a$$h0le came out and he would make a show of me and himself.

He ruined countless weddings and family occasions. The periods between drinking decreased until if he wasn't asleep or at work he was drunk. And when he was drunk he was an a$$h0le.

I would save yourself the hassle, he wont change for you. Drunks are just not worse the hassle, they are boring and life is no fun with them.

andrewh5

Oh The Humanity wrote: »

I would have to say yes, you are wasting your time with this guy and also from experience here, it will get worse.

My ex was Jeckyl and Hyde, fine when sober but a total a$$ when drunk. Fine on a one to one, but as soon as we were in company, the nasty a$$h0le came out and he would make a show of me and himself.

He ruined countless weddings and family occasions. The periods between drinking decreased until if he wasn't asleep or at work he was drunk. And when he was drunk he was an a$$h0le.

I would save yourself the hassle, he wont change for you. Drunks are just not worse the hassle, they are boring and life is no fun with them.

+1 They will only change if they really want to and he has shown by his actions that he doesn't want to. Get rid asp. You deserve better.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years when we met she was a terrible nasty drunk, frankly it took two years, but she improved. I had never experienced anything like that in my previous relationship and was shocked at myself for putting up with it. For a very long time I avoided putting an ultimatim to her but I began to lose respect for both her and myself. I knew she was better than how she behaved, that she had real class. I told her these things and more, she realised what she was doing and was ashamed, she began to improve and I tried to be patient. So far, so good but we have the very odd bad night, though never as bad as it was.

I've always tried to have respect for myself and looking back I can't believe what I put up with and for so long. I know now though, that I couldn't have tolerated it indefinitely. It took an awful lot of effort to fix bcause its a drink thing and is not done conciously but speaking as a man and with respct, I think you should be careful with us when you see us taking a head in the sand approach, doing nothing is the easiest thing and we are lazy like that.

Its more than a night out thing, its a question of your mutual respect, make him see the principle behind the situation, we should only enhance the self-respect, esteem and confidence of our loved one's not undermine it. Sorry about the length its just an isue that cuts close to the bone for me. I wish you the best of luck.

I also have an ex girlfriend like your girlfriend, she had a great side but with drink in her she was a spiteful, paranoid, lunatic, manufacturing conspiracies and believing everyone around her is "out to get her" or talking about her badly.

Even innocent good natured banter she interpreted as personal attacks. I used to believe her stories of how various people had unjustly crossed her and it was all their faults, but I learned the hard way it was her at fault not them.

Anyway, some say a leopard never changes its spots, please do be careful.

Cormb

tinkerbell wrote: »

Bit of a random suggestion, but perhaps you could buy a little tape recorder and carry it out with you when he's drunk. Once he goes off on one of his mad asshole drunken rants, start recording him. Play it back to him then the next day.

A good suggestion.
Even if he knows that hes doing it, the severity of it when played back to him might give him enough of a shock to modify his behaviour.

Also, if any of his mates are witness to this behaviour and also confirm to him how bad it is - this too may help.

Failing that, is it worth putting up with that sort of behaviour from anyone?
If it was only an odd occurance, it might be excusable but not on a regular basis.

tbh

being honest with you giggy, you shouldn't have to prove to your boyfriend that he's an asshole when he's drunk, if you say he is, that should be enough for him. It's like this: you've told him that his behaviour is unacceptable when he's drunk, and he hasn't changed. He either doesn't believe you, or he doesn't care enough. There are other guys out there who'll make you feel just as good without as many downsides. I'm not saying you should walk out right now, but if he says he loves you, why not tell him actions speak louder than words?

"I love you, but I'm not going to put up with your drunken crap anymore. If you want to be with me, you have to stop doing this. It's unacceptible, doesn't matter if it's once a week, month or year". Don't listen to what he says, he'll make his decision and what he does will tell you what that is. You're selling yourself short here, frankly, why should you put up with this?

chinapples

iv kinda had the same problem when it comes to my bf and I going out...he can be such an asshole when he's with the lads,drunk and horrible to me,treats me like i shudnt b there,yet the girls he used to work with,he will chat away to and act as if i shud accept this?I wouldnt mind but the girls he used to wrk with r really horrible to me,they dont make an effort yet I go out of my way for him so that I can fit in with these people for him....this causes fights as he can often act like im not there etc....I duno, It is often provoked and he refuses to think he has part of it...as if its all me!Kinda wish he didnt act like this as I feel it will more then likely end us if we cannot relate socially(esp with his friends) and I promise that I really and truely go out of my way to be friends with his friends....he wouldnt hang around if my friends treated him ike this...but then again,i wouldnt hv my friends treat him like this