Once a cheater, always a cheater?

LegacyUser

Yes, it's that question again. Got badly hurt by my ex last year. I think I even posted this question here, as I'd found out he'd been with another girl while dating his ex, and I pretty much got told that was none of my business and it had nothing to do with our relationship. I was told that I was naive and that a 'cheeky snog' was no big deal and it would be hard to find someone who hadn't done it. Well guess what, history basically repeated itself, same situation, he was bored with our relationship, went on holidays and ended up getting with a female friend there. I was so hurt and betrayed, because I'd even wondered if that would happen and it came true. I asked here, if he was capable of cheating once, who's to say he couldn't do it again? and he did.

So I'm now seeing another guy, for the last few months, and he has cheated on several girlfriends in the past. I found this out when we were just friends and alarm bells went off and I decided I wasn't interested in him. Well one thing led to another and we pretty much ended up going out. I really like him, I like him a lot, but this bothers me. He says it happened when he was young and immature and he's grown up a lot since then, he's never cheated on a serious, longterm girlfriend, which from what I can see is true (we have many mutual friends) but I just don't see why anyone needs to cheat at all. Am I just being naive? Sometimes it seems impossible to find a guy who has never cheated.

Jammyc

A lot of guys havent cheated, its not always impossible to find one who hasnt. Well as far as I can see.

I would be also of the impression that 'once a cheater always a cheater'

But thats not to say that he will definitely cheat, just that they always have the elevated potential to.

I guess if you really want piece of mind, its something youre going to have to talk to partners about and if it still bothers you alot, then youre going to have to try find that right person.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Here I am, Im a guy....I've never cheated! Im 25 now and of my friends that I know who have cheated in relationships (which is most) they have cheated in every relationship they have ever been in so from that evidence I would say once a cheater always a cheater but im sure they have to stop at some stage and maybe he will stop with you. I detest cheating so if I found out a girl I was with had cheated on a previous boyfriend it would honestly make me think less of her and question wether I would stay with her. Its not because of insecurity or lack of confidence, its just not a character trait I want in a partner.

JackieT

In all honesty, I think everyone is entitled to make a couple of mistakes, which they will hopefully learn from! It takes time and experience to learn how to deal with relationships in the proper way.

However, if your boyfriend has a trend of cheating on his girlfriends I would personally be quite wary if I were you.

laura l

can't say i've ever been in this situation so just my tuppenceworth.

the two guys you have described seem to be similar in being very open, but seem to have completely different attitudes to cheating - the first guy seemed to see nothing wrong with cheating and justify cheating as just "cheeky snogs", whereas the second guy seems to have made it quite clear that he cheated when he was young and immature and would never treat a longterm girlfriend that way, which you have confirmation of from friends.

i'd avoid the first guy but the second sounds genuine enough. however, i can understand how you find "cheating" a turn off in a guy. i would find "cheating" a turn off too, absolutely. that was all before he met you though, and did not happen with serious relationships. i don't think you have any reason to doubt him at this stage, sounds like he's being honest and upfront with you.

i think this is more about you getting over what he did in his past. you can develop trust with him over time if you're wary about getting hurt.

LegacyUser

Well, it was a good while ago and he's grown up a lot since then. I mean in general - he used to do drugs and whatnot and he quit all that a few years back. It's still in the back of my mind that he DID cheat though, even if he was young and stupid.

laura l

i can understand why you're wary about it, seeing as the first guy really hurt you and cheated on you. i would be very cautious of putting myself in that type of situation again! there are PLENTY of guys out there who don't cheat/have never cheated.
i don't know your boyfriend, so there's no way to judge if he's a definite "re-offender".
do you think you can trust your current boyfriend?

LegacyUser

I have a much, much better feeling about him as he's more open and doesn't lie all the time like my ex but the idea still lingers in my head...

star-pants

The idea is always going to stick in the back of your head, it's your brains way of self protection. I've been cheated on, and even if I trust the guy completely there's always a teeny part of you that's scared it might happen.
You need to build up trust with this guy, and hopefully that niggly feeling will fade in time. If ye both like each other a lot, and he's been honest with you about his past, then why not try it? See where things go, instead of bailing because of something he did to someone else in another lifetime. It's hard I know, but you need to trust him until proven wrong.

Redpunto

You need to be able to trust him for the relationship to work. From the sounds of it I'd give it a go and trust him but you need to let your worries go - if its going to constantly bother you then you need to walk away.

LegacyUser

Im a guy whos cheated on every girlfriend hes ever been going out with\seeing.

Now with all those girls I'd never really seen them as "the one", I have this notion that when I meet someone I really really love I won't risk cheating on them/won't be interested in cheating in them.

I have serious doubts about this now though. Most recent girlfriend I went away to a foreign country with the lads and got chatting to a hot local girl, she suggested spending the night with her and I couldn't resist, you only live once. If I'd been with "the one" I'm 70% sure I would have done the same thing, once I was reasonably sure I wasn't caught.

I think polygamy would sort this out, have come to the conclusion humans just aren't meant for one partner. People see men as being the ones who need a harem but I reckon women are designed to cheat too.

So yes, given the chance, he could well cheat, but so will most other guys.

Terodil

alwayscheater wrote: »

Im a guy whos cheated on every girlfriend hes ever been going out with\seeing.

Now with all those girls I'd never really seen them as "the one", I have this notion that when I meet someone I really really love I won't risk cheating on them/won't be interested in cheating in them.

I have serious doubts about this now though. Most recent girlfriend I went away to a foreign country with the lads and got chatting to a hot local girl, she suggested spending the night with her and I couldn't resist, you only live once. If I'd been with "the one" I'm 70% sure I would have done the same thing, once I was reasonably sure I wasn't caught.

I think polygamy would sort this out, have come to the conclusion humans just aren't meant for one partner. People see men as being the ones who need a harem but I reckon women are designed to cheat too.

So yes, given the chance, he could well cheat, but so will most other guys.

Thankfully you are not speaking for all men. In fact, I actually suspect that 'most men' would be rather ashamed to be associated with your practices.

Wibbs

All I can say is I know some men who cheat all the time. I know other men who used to cheat, but now wouldn't and if I had a sister I wouldn't worry about her going with them. I know other men who've never cheated. Some because simply they didn't have the choice(which raises interesting questions) and others who just haven't. I've not cheated myself and for me it boiled down a lot of the time to two reasons; simply I couldn't be bothered and I respected myself enough not to purposely and potentially hurt another. No matter what the temptation.

So you have to take it on individual grounds, not so much gender. Though I would say women I've known would be generally more into emotional cheating than men. On past experience I would say physical cheating is pretty equally split between genders.

krudler

alwayscheater wrote: »

Im a guy whos cheated on every girlfriend hes ever been going out with\seeing.

Now with all those girls I'd never really seen them as "the one", I have this notion that when I meet someone I really really love I won't risk cheating on them/won't be interested in cheating in them.

I have serious doubts about this now though. Most recent girlfriend I went away to a foreign country with the lads and got chatting to a hot local girl, she suggested spending the night with her and I couldn't resist, you only live once. If I'd been with "the one" I'm 70% sure I would have done the same thing, once I was reasonably sure I wasn't caught.

I think polygamy would sort this out, have come to the conclusion humans just aren't meant for one partner. People see men as being the ones who need a harem but I reckon women are designed to cheat too.

So yes, given the chance, he could well cheat, but so will most other guys.

Speak for yourself buddy, I've never cheated and havent come anywhere near it either, believe it or not there are some men who would take a relationship over a drunken shag any day of the week

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Speak for yourself buddy, I've never cheated and havent come anywhere near it either, believe it or not there are some men who would take a relationship over a drunken shag any day of the week

Well I was speaking for myself. I know there are some men but from what I know of male and female friends - most cheat.

This forum's a terrible place to get an honest answer anyway. A lot of the regular posters go to boards beers/know people from the site in real life so they're not going to be comepletly honest if they do cheat unless they post unregistered

All my female friends have been with guys who have girlfriends/wives(they didn't neccesarily know until afterwards), what your saying is fine for what you'd like to be true but I'm just being honest with my opinions for the OP

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice. I'm just not sure what to think. I mean, he's very open about the stuff he's done in the past, he doesn't lie to make himself look good like my ex did so that's refreshing. He basically said he cheated when he was young and immature and didn't love the girl - he didn't cheat on his two serious girlfriends.
He is really, really amazingly into me so thats a good sign but I know that doesn't always last..
Agh it's so confusing!