Is it a lost cause???

broken_heared

My boyfriend of 15 months (living together for 9 of them) finished with me on Wednesday this week.

The story.........

We met, were seeing each other for 6 months when we were both moving out of our currently houses (both renting) I suggested moving in together. Told him that there was no pressure. To me it just made sense that we paid rent on one place instead of two. We were spending nearly every night together anyway.

Over the following 9 months, the relationship dwindled a little i guess. the PDA became less and less. We didn't go out doing things as a couple much anymore. Money was really tight. The house we were living in was cold and damp and it was causing me total misery and in a way I was becoming depressed with the situation. We spoke about things and decided that we were going to move to another house (next week!) FOund a house, signed the lease. And on Wednesday, he told me that he didn't feel that this was working and ended things.

We weren't unhappy together as a couple, but in general we were unhappy. I have moved back to my parents house and he is still in the house that we were sharing until next week.

I have put the suggestion out there that if money and work issues etc are what have caused us to be unhappy, then maybe rather than breaking up we should remove the issues and see if we can re discover why we were together to begin with. I've suggestion meeting once a week - giving plenty of space on both sides - to see if we can rekindle the relationship we had before everything became about paying bills and putting food on the table. I love him more than I can express and feel that we have something that is worth fighting for....... but I don't know if i'm fighting for a lost cause.

He said that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him but I think that it's partially down to the stress that we've both been under.

Does anyone have any views on this. Sorry it's so long

John Mason

i think you should forget it and move on. you are both still too close to the situation

imo, you moved in together far to soon. 6 months isnt enough time to get to know each other. the relationship might have just fizzled out anyway.

broken_heared

But it hasn't fizzled out! There's still a huge attraction between us. That never faded. Even when things got really bad... there was still a huge attraction and that's what brought us together to start off with... I love him more than anything and there's still alot of feelings between us...

themacdaddy

broken_heared wrote: »

There's still a huge attraction between us. ...

No disrespect but IMHO he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He told you he doesn't feel the same for you as you do for him. I definitely think ye moved too fast moving in together and maybe that made him realise you were not the one for him. I know you really like him but sometimes thats not enough and love is a too way thing. I think he is just being honest with you and not stringing you along.

Salome

IMO, I don't think you would still be together even if you hadn't have moved in together. It's possible that the relationship would have fizzled out after a few months - living together put you under pressure to make it work when really it was far too soon to make that step.

He doesn't feel the same as you, otherwise he would fight to keep you together. Let it go, move on.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here
He has told me that he still cares deeply for me and we get on great, we have fun together, he loves being with me.... He said that he can probably list a hundred reasons that we should stay together. We didn't have any fights before the break up. Living together just wasn't working. Even though we didn't kill each other living together, we were struggling....

star-pants

He did say he didn't feel the same as you did though, that's a big thing IMO.
However, all you can do is put to him that ye try dating whilst living apart, there's no harm in asking him, but be prepared for him to say no. Or for after a few dates for things to still end. I understand you're crazy about him, but if he decides it's over, you can't really change his mind. You won't lose anything by asking him what he thinks of trying dating again, but as I said, be prepared to have to let go.

broken_heared

I just can't bare the thought of losing him. We had so many plans made together. most recent we booked a week in poland for my brothers wedding in september only just last month. It just seems strange that someone would suddenly change how they feel.

star-pants

Trust me I really really understand your pain, it's impossible to try and get into their head and understand why they 'changed their mind overnight'... but it happens.. and it's horrible (Believe me I really truely know) to try and accept that. You can ask him to try again, but he may just say no. Men are curious how they can suddenly make a decision in their head & that's that. And there's no talking to them. But it happens My heart goes out to you because I know how awful you must be feeling. But don't get all your hopes up on asking him, he may just say no still.

Firetrap

It looks to me like the relationship is a bit one-sided. You still love him but he's not so sure. Also, you should take it as a warning sign that your living together didn't work out so well. What makes you think that if you moved back in together in the morning, albeit in a nice place, that you'd be any happier?

LegacyUser

We're still in contact - we've texted and emailed every day since this has happened and We've arranged to meet up next Thursday to talk. I'm not looking for us to move back in together. I understand that we need space. Having had time to think about things I understand that moving in together happened too quickly. We went from dating to being in a serious relationship with financial worries. I guess what I'm hoping is that we can go back to dating. Meeting up just once a week for a while and see if the us that was there before we lived together is still there. he's agreed to give it some thought and we're going to talk about it on Thursday