When to ask what the story is?? - for the guys please

wexpat girl

i'd love to hear the guys' opinion on this:

am seeing a guy for nearly 2 months -once a week so far as we live 40 miles apart. always seem to get on well when meeting up. while i know that 2 months (8 dates) ain't that long, at the same time, we're both in our 30's (he's 33). am keen to put the question out there but afraid he'll leg it but still i'd like to know where i stand at this stage. if u were still dating a girl for this long, is it likely that u like her or could you be undecided still or just passing through?

too soon to ask? better to know now and cut my losses?

my (female) friends have mixed views so would like to hear from men, preferably 30 s'things :-)

Baby75

wexpat girl wrote: »

i'd love to hear the guys' opinion on this:

am seeing a guy for nearly 2 months -once a week so far as we live 40 miles apart. always seem to get on well when meeting up. while i know that 2 months (8 dates) ain't that long, at the same time, we're both in our 30's (he's 33). am keen to put the question out there but afraid he'll leg it but still i'd like to know where i stand at this stage. if u were still dating a girl for this long, is it likely that u like her or could you be undecided still or just passing through?

too soon to ask? better to know now and cut my losses?

my (female) friends have mixed views so would like to hear from men, preferably 30 s'things :-)

IM sorry I'm not a guy:)

but me personally life is to short to waste on the wrong person, I also think we get to a stage in our life that we know what we want in a partner and don't hang about as much.

Id ask him how he feels I mean are you looking to take it from dating to boyfriend / girlfriend and see each other more.

how is he with you when you are together do you take turns to travel or do you always go to him, or does he always come to you:)

have you a date this weekend try testing the waters with hints if your afraid to come out and say it but if you do at least you know sooner rather than later.
hope that helps:D good luck

Ill ask my DH when he comes in what he thinks for a blokes point of view:D

wexpat girl

we do take turns to be fair so it's not all about me doing the work. but he does have a busy social scene so i'm wondering if he wants a relationship at all.
i agree i need to find out as i know i do want a relationship and not to be wasting my time. tnx

copacetic

personally I'd prefer to just let things take their course not be asked 'where is this going' at that stage. It would be hard to know for sure after 8 times meeting someone. Obviously he likes you, why not just see how it goes? Suggest a weekend away or whatever and gradually start meeting more and more..


edit - 30s guy here by the way.

MrMojoRising

imo, after 2 months is a bit soon. you're still getting to know each other. why the mad rush? sure you're in your 30's, but you're still young.

if he asked you, would you know what to say?

just chill out. go on a few more dates and see what happens. (but try not to start talking about marriage and babies just yet )

LegacyUser

Im a guy, 26 and similar 2 months with a girl and was wandering the same question but from a womans point of view. As a guy I would defo say that after 2 months I would like to know where I stood. Its not like it would change that much because even if I was dating a girl I would never go out and score someone else etc so just making it offical wouldnt be much of a change to be honest. Some guys like to casually date several people at once but id think after 2 months you would know someone well enough wether to say I want you to myslef or its just not working. Id love the girl im seeing now to ask me what the story is....im not gonna say it though in case it scares her off. Its a vicious circle OP and maybe the guy your seeing is thinking the same thing.

You know what, I think I might just bring it up this weekend, at least that way Ill know where I stand and if she isnt interested then I can stop wasting time and get out there and meet someone new. Good luck OP

wexpat girl

jeez, i'm definately not looking for marraige and babies just yet :eek: however, i'd like to move to more couple than dating especiallly when my friends ask me so have you done x, z and z yet and has he done this that and the other and i'm there, god, no!! it's still very casual...and i get vibes!

wexpat girl

You know what, I think I might just bring it up this weekend, at least that way Ill know where I stand and if she isnt interested then I can stop wasting time and get out there and meet someone new. Good luck OP[/quote]


good on you! i'd be delighted if my guy would bring it up. i do agree it's a vicious circle though in a way. i like the guy and would like to go out properly but don't want to scare him off prematurely. good luck yourself, tho.

god, dating is HARD work

LegacyUser

I was with a girl 2-3 months just casually and it was more all my friends constantly asking are you going out yet/have you made it official yet/is she seeing other people or just you/have you had the caonversation bla bla bla that eventually made me ask that question. I was happy enough just going along as it was but I asked just to find out where I stood and to shut people up more than anything! I think 2 months is fine to ask. I wouldnt run scared from a girl that asked me after 2 months, if i wasnt interested I wouldnt still be around in the first place after that length of time. I was with a girl once who asked me on the first night...I sure ran from her though!!

wexpat girl

yeah, the pressure from others can be hard to take, especially when they seem to judge if if it's not "official" - ah,yeah then he's not that into you, etc, etc

at the moment it's still one date at a time, have secured another tomo but it would still be nice to know if i could feel safe to ask him, say, to a gig, in whoa.. 2/3 weeks time :eek: at the moment, i don't think i can assume we'll still be seeing ea other this time next week as is....

MrMojoRising

wexpat girl wrote: »

yeah, the pressure from others can be hard to take, especially when they seem to judge if if it's not "official" - ah,yeah then he's not that into you, etc, etc

seems like your biggest concern is what your friends think!
you shouldn't let them dictate what kind of relationship you should be having...

Jayo11780

Why dont you ask him to marry you??

wexpat girl

helpful!!

next question - as the "relationship" status is still debatable, it's my birthday next week. haven't said anything. feel a bit cringey as things are so casual, that i don't know whether to mention or not

LegacyUser

Does he know its your birthday....one thing I always do when I get with a girl is figure out pretty quickly when her birthday is, just for future reference in case of situations like this where a birthday may be coming up soon and soI can just get something small. You could bring it up casually in a joking way just ask what has he got you for your birthday or if you have drinks planned with friends invite him along now so that he is free or if you have nothing planned ask him out for a birthday drink.

Zaph

Jayo11780 wrote: »

Why dont you ask him to marry you??

Jayo11780, you may wish to familiarise yourself with the part of the charter dealing with unhelpful and off-topic posts before posting in this forum again.

RLJ

wexpat girl wrote: »

, it's my birthday next week. haven't said anything. feel a bit cringey as things are so casual, that i don't know whether to mention or not

you seem to have a lot of stuff you want clarity on. If i were the guy I would like you to bring it up but then i prefer to talk thing over and know where I stand rather than wondering and trying to guess
Happy birthday

Miss Fluff

You seem to be letting your friends dictate to you tbh.

Of course you should mention it's your birthday, why wouldn't you?

I wouldn't go having that chat just yet. He obviously likes you, you have a date set up again for today so why not relax a little and enjoy it. The "where is this going?" conversation after only a few weeks is too soon tbh and will put unncessary pressure on the relationship. (And to my mind it sounds like you ARE in the early stages of a relationship so relax girl and enjoy).

Happy Birthday btw:)

Myggel

Do tell him it's your birthday, I'm sure he'd like to know.

The worst part of the conversation is actually bringing it up.

I think when ur in your 30's there should be less games so be straight. Be relaxed and yourself and introduce in a positive way. Relationships are a good thing!

Tell him you really like him and want to try the bf-gf thing to see how it goes. I'd put money on him being in the same mindset as you.

(Male 31)

Blue_Wolf

Baby75 wrote: »

have you a date this weekend try testing the waters with hints if your afraid to come out and say it but if you do at least you know sooner rather than later.

Hate hints, I'm just blind to them.

LegacyUser

i'm a 35 year old guy. been with my girlfriend for 6 years and to be honest if she hadn't taken the initiative we probably still wouldn't be living together. the point is guys in their 30s still think like they're in their 20s (some would say like they are in their teens). our attitude is "if it ain't broke, why fix it?" and we are happy enough to plod along with things just as they are. i have seen a couple of my female friend waste 3 or 4 years trying to get the wrong guy to show a bit of commitment. it's amazing how time can just slip by and for girls finding themselves with the wrong guy at 35 is a whole different prospect to finding themselves with the wrong guy at 30. look, i know i might be getting a bit heavy and you're only seeing him for two months but in my book that's long enough for him to know if he likes you or not.

edanto

It might be impossible, but why don't you forget about whether or not you guys are boyfriend/girlfriend and just let it grow. When your friends ask just tell them that you're waiting to see how things pan out and that putting a particular description on it wouldn't make any difference.

I understand where you're coming from, to you it probably seems like a normal thing to want to know if you're a 'couple' or not, I'm just suggesting that maybe there's no need.


Seems unusual not to mention that your birthday is coming up - surely you'll have to check if he's free?!

Salome

I think it's a little too soon to ask the question to be honest - it's 8 dates so far - it's not like you're able to see each other during the week like couples who live closer. In reality, you haven't spent that much time together and don't know each other that well just yet.

I agree with the suggestion that you plan a weekend away together - spend a good 3/4 days straight together and see where that takes you.

I also agree that you should tell him it's your birthday - he should know - you might be able to tell a lot about your blossoming relationship by what he does for your birthday.

wexpat girl

[

I also agree that you should tell him it's your birthday - he should know - you might be able to tell a lot about your blossoming relationship by what he does for your birthday.[/quote]


thanks for all the advice guys. i told him about my b-day yest and he reacted positively and is gonna org to do s'thing with me. i think that will give more of an idea tbh.

re. the Big Question - gonna leave it for another couple of weeks- maybe the 3 month mark! :-)

CDfm

maybe he is shy.

why not ask him out for a day somewhere and do lunch and galleries and shopping see how you click there

SarahSassy

wexpat girl wrote: »

thanks for all the advice guys. i told him about my b-day yest and he reacted positively and is gonna org to do s'thing with me. i think that will give more of an idea tbh.

re. the Big Question - gonna leave it for another couple of weeks- maybe the 3 month mark! :-)

Its very positive that he is organising something for your birthday... I would leave it and if you are still unsure by end of month 3 then I would be asking.. Are ye sleeping together?

Locamon

CDfm wrote: »

maybe he is shy.

why not ask him out for a day somewhere and do lunch and galleries and shopping see how you click there

As a guy in my 30s this would not be a welcome move, the shopping trip is only entered into when you are in a very serious relationship imo.

Sounds like it is all going well..see how the birthday goes and get to know each other a bit more, three months is usually a pretty good marker time.

CDfm

Locamon wrote: »

As a guy in my 30s this would not be a welcome move, the shopping trip is only entered into when you are in a very serious relationship imo.

That makes you sound a bit Mallphobic:D

What I meant was to spend a nice relaxing day in each others company -either doing a gallery ,a shopping mall and some lunch or a historic site or a day a the races. A sort of getting to know you day-nothing expensive just a day out.

Locamon

CDfm wrote: »

That makes you sound a bit Mallphobic:D

What I meant was to spend a nice relaxing day in each others company -either doing a gallery ,a shopping mall and some lunch or a historic site or a day a the races. A sort of getting to know you day-nothing expensive just a day out.

Fair enough, just my personal opinion and yeah possibly if such a term exists:)

CDfm

Locamon wrote: »

Fair enough, just my personal opinion and yeah possibly if such a term exists:)

I made it up:D

But hey - there is nothing wrong with an uneventful afternoon out in the daylight hours to get to know someone at the start of a relationship.

Baby75

Blue_Wolf wrote: »

Hate hints, I'm just blind to them.

true I should remember men dont get our hints.

LegacyUser

I'm 36 now and met my wife at 33. She asked me about 2 months in what I wanted from the relationship. Was I looking for fun, a girlfriend or something more serious?

I think its a fair question and you need to know that if you invest a couple of years in a guy hes not looking for fun (presuming you want married & kids etc).

CDfm

Locamon wrote: »

Fair enough, just my personal opinion and yeah possibly if such a term exists:)

OK -if you must -but not all girls like the football and get offended at being asked to wash and iron 20 jerseys:D

Locamon

CDfm wrote: »

OK -if you must -but not all girls like the football and get offended at being asked to wash and iron 20 jerseys:D

20 jerseys is a bit much too ...all I meant is shopping with your GF takes a big effort for guys and doesn't usually fit into the fun category IMO. More in the give and take area of the relationship and usually when a couple is a bit more settled.

Back on topic I think the previous poster saying after 2 months is a fair time to raise the issue except the OP said they don't get to see each other much so maybe let it be until the third month. With the birthday coming up I would just enjoy the occasion and he may bring it up but not the ideal time to have a serious relationship discussion.

G-Money

I'm a male in my 30's and I reckon after 2 months I'd have a fair idea of what I wanted from a girl. I think it's reasonable to chat to him and find out what he wants etc. I don't mean you have to have a big serious chat about where it's going, marriage etc. But after a few months it should be clear though. If it's not, you are probably going to need to say something. But as I said before, it doesn't have to be a big heavy serious chat. It can just be something like "whats the story then, are we seeing each other or whats going on?" You know, keep it relaxed and light. Then see where you stand.

LegacyUser

in very early 30s , id relax a little just yet , there is nothing worse than pushy or cramping woman , if u live 40 m iles apart ,see each other 2 a week over a 2 mnt period , do the sums its not that much ... .

i dont know id leave things sail there course for another while yet , suppose when you start meting his friends an he meeting ur friend s, maybe then . girlfried or boyfriend can be a huge word for some people an takes a bit of getting use to

mbren

Baby75 wrote: »

have you a date this weekend try testing the waters with hints if your afraid to come out and say it

Hi Op,

I am a guy and one of my pet hates are subtle hints! I'd say I could speak for a fair share of men when I say that! Men in general aren't good at picking up hints so just ask him straight out...all i'd say is be prepared for whatever answer he throws at you.

Best of luck Op, i'm sure he is mad about you so you probably don't need luck ;-)

wexpat girl

ok, all very helpful. am going on hols soon so reckon i might mention something just before i go as would be nice to know whether i'm going off to party zone as a "single" gal or a girlfriend. even last w'end, we were noth out and a randomer got chatting me and asked me was he my BF - i couldn't answer, it was odd! i don't know if he overheard :eek:

couerdelion

From a mans point of view...

At 30 I was too old to play games about realtionships. My wife asked me after a few dates if we were exclusive or not. There's no real way of skirting round that kind of question and it put her cards on the table. But it was good to know how she was thinking and who knows where we both might be if we hadn't talked about it.

CDfm

wexpat girl wrote: »

even last w'end, we were noth out and a randomer got chatting me and asked me was he my BF - i couldn't answer, it was odd! i don't know if he overheard :eek:

Was this a friend or another potentional suitor asking should he concider another mans Jeep to be parked outside your house?:D

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Was this a friend or another potentional suitor asking should he concider another mans Jeep to be parked outside your house?:D

CDfm wrote: »

Was this a friend or another potentional suitor asking should he concider another mans Jeep to be parked outside your house?:D

:eek: the OP may not even have had the guy stay over at this stage!

OP the fact he is organising something to do for your birthday is positive, if I were you I'd bring up the topic in a non heavy way, maybe ask something like grandmaster suggested.

wexpat girl

ok thanks to all that. he travelled up mid week to me and took me out for a meal on my birthday so pleased about that. still no chat but sure, we'll see how it goes. hopefully the bday was a good sign- he may not have bothered.

CDfm

wexpat girl wrote: »

ok thanks to all that. he travelled up mid week to me and took me out for a meal on my birthday so pleased about that. still no chat but sure, we'll see how it goes. hopefully the bday was a good sign- he may not have bothered.

ah - looks like you will be making the first move:D

LegacyUser

Just been in your situation OP. Seeing a girl 3 months and it realy wasnt clear at all where we were going and I fell for her so kind of wanted to know where I stood. Tried bringing it up a couple of times but was sort of just shrugged off but came to a head last week where It was doing my nut not knowing how she felt so wanted an answer, what I got wasnt what I wanted to hear but at least I know where I stand. Its a blow to the ego alright but at least I can stop wasting my time with someone who isnt as interested as me.

Madame Razz

couerdelion wrote: »

From a mans point of view...

At 30 I was too old to play games about realtionships. My wife asked me after a few dates if we were exclusive or not. There's no real way of skirting round that kind of question and it put her cards on the table. But it was good to know how she was thinking and who knows where we both might be if we hadn't talked about it.

My boyfriend did the exact same thing.

I really didn't think one had to wait 3 months to find out where one stood with somebody. I certainly couldn't be doing with such uncertainty for that length of time anyways, life's too short.

Just go ahead and ask him OP...you'll drive yourself nuts wondering otherwise.