Poem, please read and destroy

Deamonn

I wrote this a little while ago and I can't tell if it's any good, obviously all art is subjective but still, bad is bad.

Anyone, fire away....


Cobble Stones and Hobbled Souls

The cobble stones and hobbled souls
Glisten from the sun shower rain,
A proud little man pushes a dew dropped pram
And in his eyes he looks hopelessly sane,
There’s a fat girl on the corner and her
boyfriend doesn’t want her and she cries
Cause he’s not the only one,
She’s swimming in a sea of Who am I supposed
To be?
Cause if I’m not with you then I’m done,

Some of us are ugly
Some of us insane
Some of us have millipedes crawling
In our veins

She envies the undead as they push past her,
Slow,
Their minds only on Game shows, Corrie and Glenroe,
All around her, her weight, large breasts, flabby thighs,
Bloated stomach feels so empty as she endlessly
Dies,

Some of us are ugly
Some of us insane
Some of us have millipedes crawling
In our veins

She’s sickened as it stumbles
Still she forces it to step,
Its face the colour of pancake mix
And the frost of frozen breath,
There’s 220 pounds of sin
Nestled safe beneath this skin,
It keeps her warm, it keeps her cold
Sorrow wedged in every fold,

Some of us are ugly
Some of us insane
Some of us have millipedes crawling
In our veins

Just to be held and held and held and held
and no timing to tell us stop,
to be pressed against another’s flesh
till my flabby body rots,
to be lifted by my little waist
and dance on uncrushed toes,
to pirouette with delirium
till my skinny inside shows.

Some of us are ugly
Some of us insane
Some of us have millipedes crawling
In our veins

But this big boned body will weigh
me down and down
and in its grey gooey fat you’ll
all watch me drown,
This rancid poison will choke up
my heart
Still Ill greedily gulp it like I
have from the start,
I’m caged in my cells and immersed in
my blood
I’m screaming sweet oblivion to Holy
God above,
For his kiss would be like winter
His touch, darkest wine
He'd tear away my obesity
and clothe me in the divine,

Some of us are ugly
Some of us insane
Some of us have millipedes crawling
In our veins

Perfection is a foolish myth,
Yet perfect circles still exist?

yermin

like those last two lines, as for the rest, well i'm no literary critic, and i'll admit to rushing through it. If you like writing, keep going and don't stop. (btw, i'm not saying i didn't like it, I just can't remember. But the last two lines stuck out anyway.)

Zillah

I really really like it, rhyming is pretty good and the ideas conveyed well. Some of the imagery is a little stiff but its quite forgiveable. Not sure the repetition is a good idea, I found myself skipping over the "Some of us are ugly..." section after the first two.

pickarooney

It reads very much like song lyrics. Rather good song lyrics at that.

joeystrider

pickarooney wrote: »

It reads very much like song lyrics. Rather good song lyrics at that.

I'd agree very much with this comment. It is very like a song. It flows easily to be read. I like that.

The sense of misery and helplessness is well potrayed.

With regards to the repeated lines I found mysself skipping them. However I was aware of their existance in a way that was good rather than intrusive.

Well done.