Trying to understand.... Its killing me

Kiera12

Hi! I duno why im writing this up here up maybe it will get a few things off my mind!

In brief.... everything was going well with me and my bf (well so i thought) I love him more than anything and loved treating him, meeting him after work, going on nights out, buying him little presents etc. We had a few fights over the past few weeks, mainly over him not talkin to me and him still in contact with his ex (although this would have not been a problem if he had said she txtd him cause i know there was nothing going on.)

He accused me of 'following' him on nights out, my local was his local and thats always been the way but he still thought i was following him. He did lie to me about a few things while we were together like nights out and other small things that i got over. Last week we was telling me how much he loved me and loved spending time with me and loved that we were together then saturday night........ a conversation got back to him and he took it up that i was trying to 'get information' from his friends'. It wasnt the case at all. I was simply asking her advice and if the thought i was in the wrong by asking why he was txtn his ex. The conversation got back to him and he simply told me there and then that it was finished. Ive never been so hurt cause i loved him so much and would never ever do anything to hurt him, Everyone has their ups and downs and I cant see why he wouldnt talk to me about what happened that night. I havnt seen him since. Everything reminds me of him.

He txt me saying there were too many bad times...... and there werent. We had a great social life always doing things and got on great most of the time. Except when i knew he had txtd her.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, duno if putting it up here is good or not but i feel better having said it!

I wish he knew and understood how i felt. He obviously didnt love me as much as he said he did or he would try sort things out and talk to me. I was so honest with him about everything and did so much for him and then he jus decides one day to drop everything and turn his back the day after he tells me he loves being with me.

Anyway, prob not guna do anything by posting it up here, whats done is done! Like i said, it jus helps to talk bout it!

holdmyhand?

from what i can see the big issue is him textin his ex.

so either you need to let it go, or he needs to stop. otherwise it wont work, because there will always been that underlying case of him texting his ex.

is he still friendly with his ex or is it more?

my most recent ex, was in contact with a few of his exs and it didnt bother me, mainly because it kind of reassured me that he was a genuine nice guy, who even if/when things went bad could still be civil. i think if its his ex, its his ex for a reason and your his current.... you must have somehting she doznt!!

some people stay friends with their exs their whole lifes, and being in contact with them is just one of those things. were you overly clingy and constantly asking about her etc.... if so i can understand why he would get frustrated.... but maybe he just has the issue and you just said the wrong thing at the wrong time ya no.

at the end of the day some relationships are ment to be others arent...... so give him a few days to see doz he want to sort things out, otherwise take nothing personal you tried your best,remember the good times and get back out swimming in the sea!

Sinall

He might not have appreciated that you were asking his friends for advice. If he had wanted his friends to know about that particular issue he would have told them. It could be a privacy issue for him - in that what goes on between the two of you stays between the two of you. He might have been a bit embarrassed.

Give it a few days, see if he gets in touch. If you do want to give it another go you could try explaining things to him, it is clear from your post how much he means to you. But you have to be prepared for the possibility that he has made up his mind.

Best of luck, I hope you feel better about it all soon.

Kiera12

Yea i guess I was paranoid but I said to him that i didnt mind them txtn the odd time i completely understand staying friends, as im still friends with my ex, but when he said yes ill tell you when we txt... and then he doesnt and there were other little things on top of that it will make anyone paranoid. Small things like, telling me he is not going out after i thought he was and said enjoy your night then i find out he did go out that night after he txtd saying night huni, going to bed now.... then the next day he wouldnt txt much and he didnt meet me like usual on the way home from work... said he was busy in work but really he didnt even go in! I knew he was txtn her then too but didnt do anything about it!

I duno! I just dont understand it. Why i let myself love him so much. If he was jus honest then we would be together but it made me think he was hiding something the way he went on... maybe he was... i dont think ill ever know.

He blames me saying i need to go get help that im insane... when all i did was ask about why he wouldnt tell me things. Made me think i was doing something wrong when i had every right to ask him, he was my bf!

Kiera12

Sinall wrote: »

He might not have appreciated that you were asking his friends for advice. If he had wanted his friends to know about that particular issue he would have told them. It could be a privacy issue for him - in that what goes on between the two of you stays between the two of you. He might have been a bit embarrassed.

Give it a few days, see if he gets in touch. If you do want to give it another go you could try explaining things to him, it is clear from your post how much he means to you. But you have to be prepared for the possibility that he has made up his mind.

Best of luck, I hope you feel better about it all soon.

He has made it clear he doesnt want anything to do with me. It jus hurts so much that i did nothing wrong.... only wonder why he wasnt honest with me. and he still wont explain things so i dont think ill ever know. Thanks for the reply tho!

Puddleduck

Hey OP.

Look, stop tying yourself in knots, for all you know he could have been looking for a way out of the realationship and saw this as an opportunity. Naturally your heart broken but at the same time if hes lying to you over and over then it really isnt worth it, eventually its going to affect you trusting him and a realationship without trust isnt much of a realationship.

Forget him, forget the whys, what did I do, can I fix its. Focus on you, no one should make you feel like youre a nut bar if you arent. Go out with the girls, or do something youve always meant to do but didnt get around to it. It also sounds a little like you may have been too dependant on him. Dont do that in future, just be yourself.

Kiera12

Puddleduck wrote: »

Hey OP.

It also sounds a little like you may have been too dependant on him. Dont do that in future, just be yourself.

I wasnt really dependant on him i jus loved spending time with him, I did everything for him and loved that! Loved bringing him places and buying him things and jus making him happy! He used to say I didnt like him seeing his friends but I used to drop him up to his friends houses and it wasnt a problem at all, drop him out to town and collect him if he wanted a lift, his friends werent a problem but he drilled it into my head that i thought it was. I dont understand why last week he was saying how much he loved me and to stop thinkin bout things too much and he loved the fact we were together then suddenly it all changes and he doesnt want to hear from or see me. Like did he ever love me or was he just saying it?

I used to feel bad staying in his house sometimes cause i thought i was there too much and he used to say dont be silly i love having you in mine and its never a problem for you to stay..... again... was he only saying that?

I know i have to get over it and i will but im just finding it hard right now i guess.

Mr. Incognito

Why are you trying to make sense of it.

The guy is hiding things from you and then blaming you for it.

Take a deep breath, realise that he's being a tool and then try and forget him. You'll never get a satisfactory answer from him. Best to just move on.

smileykey

He sounds very like my OH used to be. We've "broken up" a few times but managed to work things out and now things are going great so don't take this as meaning the very end give it some time, see what happens. If its still the same in a month then maybe start trying to get over it.

The problem that I used to have was that, although I trusted my OH I di have very low self confidence and my way of trying to help my confidence come along was what she interpreted to be mistrust. It caused a few problems for us. I think my self confidence has increased now and that's why that is no longer an issue.

Also you said that he said there are too many bad times and you disagree. This was also an issues for us. Things that wouldn't register in my mind as fights or arguements registered in hers as such. I'd think things were going well and she'd think we were fighting too much. I think some people remember the bad thing better for some reason and others don't.

Try seeing things from his point of view. He feels untrusted and like he is being watched. That's not in a good feeling in a relationship. Give him time, and in the mean time try figure out why you are so insecure about him texting his ex and other things.

Kiera12

smileykey wrote: »

.
although I trusted my OH I di have very low self confidence and my way of trying to help my confidence come along was what she interpreted to be mistrust. It caused a few problems for us. I think my self confidence has increased now and that's why that is no longer an issue.

That was definately an issue. I am so insecure and although ppl tell me i have no reason to be it doesnt matter, He is so outgoing and has such a great personality and i think he kind of outshon me or something. I prob went about things the wrong way. He prob did interpreted to be mistrust when it wasnt. I never thought of it that way.

I know him tho and when he says its over ... its over! uve made me realise a few things bout myself now tho! Ive always had a lack of confidence and he well knew that, i talked to him bout it so many times before and he always said there was no reason and he was there for me and loved me! Im sorting it out at the moment but obviously it wasnt soon enough!

Thanks for your reply!

CoachBoone

Can I ask your age? Seems that your posts in this thread describe every "first love" relationship I've ever heard about.

edit: thats not to sound in anyway condescending or anything, Im just genuinely curious.

Kiera12

Its not my first love! but i broke up with my ex of 4 years over trust and wasnt interested in a relationship cause of trust and didnt want to go thru all the heart-ache again (he cheated on me and lied bout it) but when i met... the guy that just broke up with me.... things jus happened and before we knew it we were both really happy an all that! It just happened. He was the one that started txtn me and asking me out and everything and I thought i found someone i could really be happy with and trust which was the case up until last week!

CoachBoone

Sounds like a manipulative prick to me. Id try concentrate on other things for the time being and I know thats easier said than done but its the best thing to do.

Wibbs

Better off here I reckon.

RoxyHart

I feel you're pain here, i think every woman's been in a situation where (we've all had em ladies being honest:o), she feel's out of her depth emotionally and almost as if she's a few days from being signed into the nut house, all because some guy's shady behaviour. If he was texting you to say he was at home and in reality he was out and about, it says a) he's not mature enough to be honest and upfront and b) he wanted to have you to spoil him, keep him cosy but not on the scene when with his mates. You may have boiled his bunny a bit over the ex texting, but setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship. Problem is finding someone who will respect yours. It's hard now but it will get easier and as time passes you will start to see why this didn't work and if you can learn something from it

Oh The Humanity

Look, stop tying yourself in knots, for all you know he could have been looking for a way out of the realationship and saw this as an opportunity.

That hits the nail on the head, methinks he doth protest too much also.

Just a slight bit of overkill in his efforts to paint you as a stalking bunny boiler which to the more experienced eye sticks out a mile OP.

It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, there is subtext here and stuff going on in his head you are not aware of.

My guess is that he was at the very least keeping his options open with the ex

The accusations of you sharing his business with his friends and following him are a smokescreen to disguise his guilt.

Move on OP !

dblennon

Mabey it's just me but I don't think your boyfriend would have such a rosey picture of how happy you were together.

Nobody will refuse a lift, but it can feel claustraphobic if the person feels you are always trying to know where you are.

Also why would it be a surprise (or noteworthy) for him to see you in the local unless you were a little in his face about it.

& finally the chat you had last week,
"saying how much he loved me and to stop thinkin bout things too much"

To me this is quite relative, He does love you, but feels the need to say that you are pushing him to the limit on all these small issues.

The final straw would have been hearing from HIS friend that you were asking about his Ex AGAIN. Unfortunatley the fact that this query happened before the chat will not have helped.

I could be reading the situation completely wrong but just my 2c's