Abusive OH

LegacyUser

Hi, just wanted to talk to someone because i feel like i'm having a breakdown. To cut a long story short, my once amazing kind lovely OH is becoming increasingly more abusive and i can't take it anymore.
A bit of background - his father is a tyrant and treats his mum like s**t. their children, friends, extended family can't believe how badly this man treats his wife who is lovely. My OH hates his dad because of it but...I hate to say it....he is becoming just as bad. Maybe this is wrong but when I point out to him who he is being like, he goes crazy. He has never, ever been violent to me but everything I say he now jumps on and puts me down. I think I speak well and in my job have to teach others how to speak English and all he can do is slag my grammar etc. and it's beginning to affect my confidence. To the outside world he is so laid back and gentle but inside the house he has become a mini-me of his Dad and my nerves are being shot. He never shouts but will be very cold and shoot me down and pick on what I say so I feel thick yet in my job, I am doing very well and it's such a huge contrast to my home life. I'm ashamed of this and can't talk to my friends. I keep hoping he'll turn back into the man he was 5 years ago.
Has anyone any advice for me please?

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

Has anyone any advice for me please?

If he is not willing to admit that he has a problem then there isn't a jot you can do about it. And, more importantly, it WILL get worse as time goes by.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd leave and I'd tell him why I'm leaving.
Life is too short to be miserable in your own home.

cantdecide

There are lots of times in PI where there's a resounding 'leave right now' sentiment and I rarely agree that it's automatically the right thing to do. In this case, I think you should sling your hook if he's not prepared to accept that he's treating you badly.

He's either now showing his true colours or else he's giving you grief because things aren't working out in his eyes. Either way, there's no excuse for treating anyone this badly so you can call it a character reference and a taste of things to come IMO.

Gyalist

A bit of background - his father is a tyrant and treats his mum like s**t. their children, friends, extended family can't believe how badly this man treats his wife who is lovely.

He is repeating the pattern of behaviour that he has learned form his father. The fact that he hates his father is immaterial if he also behaves in the same way and his mother's fate is what awaits you, unfortunately.

ellie1

this form of emotional abuse is extreamly damaging. Not one for uttering ultimations but give him a time frame to seek help such as counselling. You get yourself some counselling. If he doesnt seek help, leave him as this will only get worse. Eventually, if you choose to say, you may find it even more difficult to leave.
Hope it works out for you.

dancing_d

What I would do in that situation is leave him, tell him why and say you will consider coming back if he gets counselling for his "father" issues.

Your OH sems unable to communicate so he is using put downs and nastiness to portray his frustration and disillusionment he has with himself.
someone treats you bad once it is their fault - if they treat you bad repeatedly - you have taught them that it is acceptable to you.....

Do you really hold so little respect for yourself that would stay in this unhappy situation ?

CapnMark

He clearly knows no better.

Could the reason he is not violent or shout you down be that you rarely confront him on his behaviour?

Horrible situation to be in please be careful.

Lucy Lu

Your OH needs needs to break the cycle and get help for the way he is acting but that will only happen when he is ready too. Emotional abuse can be destroying.

You need to explain things to him. He needs to know exactly how he is making you feel. I know you said he goes crazy when you try to tell him things but you need to be strong and tell him to listen while you explain all.

Remember, your own happiness is most important and you have to put yourself first.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

This is the thing – did you ever wake up one morning and find yourself in a nightmare? This is what this feels like. I have always had equal measures of pity and ridicule for his mother staying with man like that and now I have arrived in the same situation. I come from a normal, loving family where I adore my Dad so I keep thinking how did I end up here??? I do stand up to him but I think maybe my shouting versus his cold superiority is wearing me down.

I know I need to break up with him but it’s just hard. Thanks for the advice, good to hear other people’s perspectives.

Sinall

We learn our behavioural patterns from watching our parents at a young age. It's only when we become aware of a problem in our behaviour (and the reasons for it) that we can make a conscious effort to change it.

Subconsciously, your OH thinks that's how fathers/boyfriends/husbands should act. He probably doesn't fully realise that he is turning into a replica of his father and he goes crazy when you mention it because his father is probably the last person he wants to be like.

This must be very tough on you OP. I feel that your OH would benefit from counselling - but how to broach the subject and get him to go to a counsellor? Possibly something would have to happen to shock him into realising how bad his behaviour is. I'm sorry to say that his behaviour is likely to get worse and have more of an impact on you psychologically.

Until he realises what is happening his behaviour is unlikely to change.

Take care of yourself.

Redpunto

Tell him to go get help or to stop the behaviour or you'll leaving - if you stay then you a partially responsible for being treated that way - if youre not there then he cant hurt you. You need to get away and he needs that time to cop himself on.

Craft25

Beruthiel wrote: »

If he is not willing to admit that he has a problem then there isn't a jot you can do about it. And, more importantly, it WILL get worse as time goes by.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I'd leave and I'd tell him why I'm leaving.
Life is too short to be miserable in your own home.

This is very tough advice to take but it is almost spot on!

You will have to draw a line here and not continue unless he makes an active concerted effort to tackle his own behaviour. He WILL turn into his dad, Unless he is honest enough to admit it is happening and challenge it.

You can't afford to give him concessions on this; either he does it or you go! Otherwise you are going to be in for a life of misery - do you fancy the life of his mother for yourself? And for your children in turn to have the same issues like your OH?

Break the cycle!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you break up with him it will probably do him a world of good. It'll be a tangible reason for him to reaslise he has a problem and make an effort to change himself.

I don't think hes going to change by himself with the current situation.

Break up with him - everybody wins.