Frustrated at lack of relationships

LegacyUser

Hello..in my late 30's. Well travelled, funny, maybe a little lacking in self esteem...I find it so so hard to bond with guys and get to that potential relationship stage. Nearly impossible. I have lots of male friends but none which I would(or could even image) taking further.

My last relationship(and longest) was 2 years ago which lasted 2 months and nearly took my a year to get over!

Have been with lots of men however usually when im off my face drunk. Am sick of that scene now. Have tried online dating - impossible. Had a good old look for a week or two but not one interested me.

I go out and feel so drab compared to the younger chics. Am worried people will think im fridgid/gay(am not at all) but its playing on my head all the time and making me depressed. Feel so unattractive.

How do people find love? All old boyfriends i to met via friends/work. And have had lots of jobs/friends/countries in my life so no excuse really...Dont want to come across as desperate caause im not..just wondering whats wrong with me as seem to be the only singleton over 35 and normal down my way

Thnx!!

couerdelion

I don't think you come across as desperate at all.If anything you come across as being intelligent and just looking for someone to share your experiences with (travel etc).

You may feel unattractive , but I think we all do at times, and the fact you have no problem pulling when you've had a few drinks shows you must be alright!

I could suggest the usual join a club and find someone with a similar interests but I don't think that is the answer either.

Just as a matter of interest can you describe your ideal man?

LegacyUser

My ideal man...funny always have a little difficulty with this(with online anyhow)...normal looking...unfortunatly looks are a big thing for me as I love to catch someones eye - I get on with everyone(really!) but a good looking guy always catches my eye, tallish...like tan skin(not ban white Irish men), athletic build, sensitive, dry sense of humour...ok now I feel im being too fussy!!!!

Being honest...out of a handful of relationships and one night stands(maybe more than a handful) only 3 men were Irish! Rest were South African(favs..), Belgian, Australian...

Maybe im truly living in the wrong country...

Thanks for your reply! Dont feel too bad now as think lots of single women in the same position

couerdelion

I think perhaps you are being too fussy, and that's not a criticism it's human nature!. I'm sure most women would like a good looking tall tanned athletically built bloke. But there aren't enough of us to go round!

Try going on a date with someone who you perhaps wouldn't usually go out with. Forget about eyeing them up as a potential bedmate/future partner and just look to go out for a pleasant evening. You've really nothing to lose by having a dozen different dates, the most important thing is just to take it as an evening out and not the start of anything.

I've got a few female friends who are still single and I think it does effect them more than my male friends. Society dictates that the norm is not being single, but why feel like a sheep? (not that I can talk as a mid 30's happily married man!)

Creamy Goodness

Unregistered wrote: »

...Had a good old look for a week or two but not one interested me....

why is it always the guy that has to make the first move?


you do what you think guys should be doing on dating sites and contact guys that you like.

LegacyUser

might try give that ago...intimcy is a problem too even with a date am the most popular girl but when it comes to one and one...eeeeekkkkkk......your never know thugh! and your right singledom is hard on single women and not really the norm...am becoming a bit of a comodity among my friends...thanks for listening...

Millie

Well I'm a 35 (on the cusp of 36) year old woman.
An up until 3 weeks ago I hadn't been on a date for years!!!

I certainly know how you feel....
It gets very frustrating & you really do start to question as to what is wrong with you.
I suppose I'm lucky in the fact that three of my closest female friends are also single - we all feel like you do at times however.

cantdecide

Just go on some dates with some guys you don't find repulsive even if they're not your type. Have some fun. Nothing is set in stone and you don't have to marry the first guy who comes along but us pasty Irish men need love too!!

Your problem seems to be that your requirements are changing and your old habits need to be broken. You can't be tragic if you can reach out and grab your type without too much trouble.

I'd say you should give the online thing another proper go. Really get out of your comfort zone this time, though.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Have been with lots of men however usually when im off my face drunk.

Getting drunk is the single biggest impediment to meeting a decent man, it was only when I totally gave up drink for 2 months after a long 'search' for a man (mid/late 30's) that I actually met someone decent. Ditch the booze is no 1.

Unregistered wrote: »

I go out and feel so drab compared to the younger chics. Am worried people will think im fridgid/gay(am not at all) but its playing on my head all the time and making me depressed. Feel so unattractive.

Women in their mid late 30's ARE drab compared to younger chicks, we just have to accept that, make the best of yourself and dont dress older than your age, but dont be mutton dressed as lamb either. ACCEPT your age and dont try to compete with college students, its undignified.

Unregistered wrote: »

How do people find love? All old boyfriends i to met via friends/work. And have had lots of jobs/friends/countries in my life so no excuse really...Dont want to come across as desperate caause im not..just wondering whats wrong with me as seem to be the only singleton over 35 and normal down my way

Ok, finding 'love' is HARD, ROCK HARD at this age. You need to know that first so you can be realistic in your outlook. Also please do yourself a favour and forget those hopes of finding someone who ticks boxes on a list. It doesn't work like that. Keep an open mind, you might have a set type but if you aim for that its likely you wont get it.

Also age is a factor, there are feck all single men in their 30's. They just do not exist in modern Ireland and sorry to say any that you do find, you will quickly realise are single for a very good reason.

Go older for men in their 40's or younger (if you are in good shape) for lads in their late 20's. Keep your figure as fit as a tick, dont have short hair (men hate that) Take care of your face, good eyebrow shape (get done professionally) good skin, clean well kept white teeth, eat well, all that, a good hair color and style and you can knock 10 years off.

Forget the elusive search for the men you knew in your 20's but just 10 years older, thats gone, they are gone, all married and sprogging.

Cultivate your interests for you, yes its a cliche but a cliche for a reason. Fill out your life with what interests you and de-prioritise the search for 'Mr Right'
Get yourself a buddy with benefits, that will keep your libido in check and take the stench of desperation off you.

If you must drink, stay the feck away from the white wine, men find these deperate sex and the city types trying to be 25 (going on 39) slugging into the wine a real turn off.

Turn offs are desperation and drunkness. Avoid this. Do everything else to be a full person.
Good luck! Its a fecking b1tch out there!

Sephiroth_dude

maybe try speed dating?

zxcvbnm1

ya - go speed dating. I've done it a couple of times recently and it's a good laugh. It's not nearly as intimidating as i thought it would be. At least with speeddating everyone knows teh score upfront and there's none of this game playing that can happen in a pub or whatever