Am I mad? "Independent" woman

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this girl for a couple of weeks who basically has hangups about getting close to someone and describes it as her being independent. I'm a pretty solitary guy myself so I can understand having "me" time and doing your own thing, but why date someone if you don't want to get to know them and do stuff together.

Whenever she feels under pressure, she just closes off and runs away, even though the last thing I'm doing is putting her under pressure. I'm only recently back on the dating scene so I'm happy to take things easy. All I've done is ask her out on a few dates and I don't misbehave.

We've only slept together once and she had hangs ups about that. It wasn't great, but I've been with people before where the fireworks take a while to appear.

All of this came to a head when she disappeared on me and explained the next day in a bloody email that she had to go, but didn't explain why, exactly, she had to go.

I'm debating whether I should just cut contact or give it another shot. I do like her a lot but I'm worried I'll end up with a project or someone who's just going to wreck my head.

collegegal

warning signs are already there im afraid to say...being a woman myself, we are complicated creatures enough! But, you sound like a nice guy, you should cut your ties and find someone who actually wants to be with you!

cantdecide

I wouldn't write it off before I'd try to encourage her to open up a little. She could have been hurt in the past. Show her that she can be vulnerable with you. But then again, maybe she is that 'independent' type.

puglover

It's only been a couple of weeks. Maybe you are coming on too strong. What exactly are the issues? Does she not want to see you as often as you want to see her?

Oh The Humanity

Hmph! Theres independant and theres rude.

I think she is slightly throwing bouquets at herself saying she is independant when it sounds actually as though she either has something to hide or will turn out to be one of those awful drama queen types....like you put it a 'project'

I dunno, I think if you are running into drama and all this cloak and dagger stuff this early I would be tempted to just leave it.

LegacyUser

OP here...

puglover,

I know it's only been a few weeks. I don't know how asking someone for a few drinks or a meal or a coffee in that time could be considered coming on too strong. Other than telling her it's uncanny we have so much in common I haven't said anything that would sound alarm bells.

AARRRGH

Save yourself a huge amount of hassle and dump this girl now. She obviously has a lot of issues, and you don't know her well enough to commit yourself to being her therapist for the next few years.

There are plenty of stable women out there. Choose one of them instead.

Wibbs

I think the technical term is "Leggit".

Bad plan. In a similar way to people who self describe as smart, usually aren't telling the whole truth, people who self describe themselves as independent are setting you up with an excuse for future behaviour. Now you could wait around and see if her defences fall and all that guff, but it's almost never worth the bother as that excuse will pop up again in the same form or another.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here...

puglover,

I know it's only been a few weeks. I don't know how asking someone for a few drinks or a meal or a coffee in that time could be considered coming on too strong. Other than telling her it's uncanny we have so much in common I haven't said anything that would sound alarm bells.

Thats not exactly what I asked. How often have you asked her to meet up in the two weeks?

Gyalist

She's actually telling you quite clearly what type of behaviour to expect from her. The problem is that you aren't receiving the message that she's subcommunicating to you.

puglover

I am really surprised at the replies in this thread. They've been seeing each other for 2 weeks, what exactly is OP expecting at this stage??

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm a pretty solitary guy myself so I can understand having "me" time and doing your own thing, but why date someone if you don't want to get to know them and do stuff together.

She's entitled to "me" time. Do you want her to drop her other commitments/activities/friends to spend all her time getting to know you?

Unregistered wrote: »

Whenever she feels under pressure, she just closes off and runs away, even though the last thing I'm doing is putting her under pressure. I'm only recently back on the dating scene so I'm happy to take things easy. All I've done is ask her out on a few dates and I don't misbehave.

Maybe you're not putting her under pressure by your standards. She might consider it pressure by hers. How many dates have you asked her on?

Unregistered wrote: »

We've only slept together once and she had hangs ups about that. It wasn't great, but I've been with people before where the fireworks take a while to appear.

What sort of hang-ups? Maybe she's gone cold because she doesn't feel you are sexually compatible

Unregistered wrote: »

All of this came to a head when she disappeared on me and explained the next day in a bloody email that she had to go, but didn't explain why, exactly, she had to go.

What do mean she disappeared? Were you on a date & she left? Did you meet her when she was with friends and she left with them? Did you just not see her for a few days? Give the full story if you want usefull responses

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm debating whether I should just cut contact or give it another shot. I do like her a lot but I'm worried I'll end up with a project or someone who's just going to wreck my head.

Maybe you don't have compatible personalities. No offence imo YOU sound a bit needy... it would put me off too

star-pants

If you really really like her, why not give it another shot? If in two weeks you see the similar behaviour, you can jump ship. If it's only been a few weeks she might just be unsettled/nervous about getting into a relationship again. She does sound like she has some issues, which will crop up at some point again. But only you can tell if you think she's worth the effort.

Nitxteha

I wouldn't buy the "I'm an independant woman" thing, if you want to be in a relationship you spend time together, regardless how independant you may be for other things.

I would have a chat with her and tell what you expect from your relationship, and if she runs away..let her go..

Nervous Wreck

Independent schmindependent. Obviously a poor excuse. If you were coming on too strong, all she need say is "let's just chill and take it slow", not "no way man, i'm an independent woman". I'd say just save yourself the hassle and drop it. You sound like a nice chap, I'm sure you'll find someone else quite soon that's miles sounder.

Wagon

Leave it. She'll only drive you up the wall. "independance" is being able to look after yourself, and being comfortable around others. She's merely deluding herself.