How do you ever come to terms with this?

BarnhallBull

Hey everyone, no real idea why i'm writing this, don't know what I espect to gain from it, I guess i've just exhausted all other outlets at this stage. No point going unreg, if anyone I know reads this, they'll know straight away that it's me...

Anyway, her'es the story. I'm 19 years old. 4 months ago today, my girlfriend died very suddenly. She was 3 weeks past her 17th birthday. A little bit of background to the relationship. I moved into a new house 2 and a half years ago. That day, the neighbours came in to welcome us the neighbourhood etc., met the mother, then later that day the father came in with his daughter. I was completely blown away, she was the most beutiful girl i'd ever seen in my life. There was a connection between us pretty much straight away, but with parents being present obviously nothing happened. We saw each other in passing once or twice over the next few months before we finally began to talk on a regular basis. We really hit it off and we started going out about 5 months after I moved in.

Things went great and I was really crazy about her, we fell in love and we were both so happy. I was in love with the girl next door, she was the most amazing person i've ever met, and she loved me too, I really felt I was the luckiest guy in the world. We did everything together, she was my rock when all other parts of my life seemed to be falling apart.

She was a diabetic so I was used to her being sick, and once or twice while we were together she had to be taken into hospital. The week before she died she got very sick, but she was out of hospital after a day, the doctors were happy that she was OK. 4 months ago today, I was playing a rugby match, when I finished there was a message on my phone from my mam to say ring her immediately. My girlfirend was back in hospital, we needed to go ASAP. I wasn't overly worried, I thought there was a little complication with her diabetes as often happened. When I got to the hospital, her mum was waiting to tell me that she was dead.

I'll never ever forgot that day, it was such a shock, such a massive blow, I couldn't take it in. The following days, weeks and now months have been the darkest i've ever experienced. I'm completely lost without her, I miss her so much every single day, nothing seems to matter anymore. I have fantastic friends and family, and her family have been just incredible, but it's eating away at me inside, every single day. I love her with all my heart, I believe she was my soulmate and she was taken from me at 17 years of age for f**k sake! I see my whole life stretching ahead of me and I jusr don't care anymore, I still think about how our lives would have been in the future, but I think of them as things that will happen, not that would have happened, I can't help myself.

I haven't dealt with this at all, I don't know how, I don't even want to deal with it. Like I said, I don't know what i'm looking for here but i'm so lost right now:(

Thanks for reading...

jim o doom

what you have posted is terribly depressing and unfair. To be honest dude, the only thing that will heal you is time.. I've lost a few people, friends and family down the years; and time is the greatest healer.

It seems unfair, but you come to accept that life is unfair and that you or anyone else could be gone at any second - and ultimately we will be all gone one day..

It's hard, but be strong, you will never forget her or what she meant to you, but she wouldn't want you to go on depressed for the rest of your days.

andrewh5

jim o doom wrote: »

what you have posted is terribly depressing and unfair. To be honest dude, the only thing that will heal you is time.. I've lost a few people, friends and family down the years; and time is the greatest healer.

It seems unfair, but you come to accept that life is unfair and that you or anyone else could be gone at any second - and ultimately we will be all gone one day..

It's hard, but be strong, you will never forget her or what she meant to you, but she wouldn't want you to go on depressed for the rest of your days.

+1 hang on in there. Your GF would not want you to be sad but would want you to remember all the good times you had together. It will get easier and I am sure you will find love again.

Genghiz Cohen

Talk to someone, for real.
Get advice, but from a professional.
You have to deal with it now and get on with your life.
What happened was torturous and you had to take the brunt of it.
You need to get past this and get on with the rest of your life, if not for yourself then for her, would she want you to be dragged down like this?

bubblewrap

Oh you poor poor man, I am filling up reading this...I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, life can be very very nasty at times, I really do not know what to say.

eve

OP - not a partner/soulmate but I lost my 21 year old sister almost six months ago. Such a huge shock to get and I still wonder how I got through those first few day. There were no warning signs. The police just turned up at my parents front door to tell them.

There are still days when I think how unfair it all is. When I just want to talk to her again to tell her some gossip or see what she's doing. It was also made worse by her being in Australia for the 9 months before her death meaning I hadn't seen her since January 08.

Like previous posters said, it all takes time. Time to forgive the world for what it does to us. Time to heal. Time to reflect and remember the good times.

Talk to people - friends, your family, her family. Don't bottle it up inside just because you think you need to be 'tough'.

bluecell99

Nothing ever seems the same after this and my sincere sympathies for this terrible loss.As the previous poster said we are all here to die - as awful as that sounds.We dont know whether it will be long or short so thats why its so important to take each day as it comes and try to enjoy life.We are not able to unsderstand why some things happen because we are weak humans who dont have this knowledge.But rest assured there is a reason why she went so young and is completely happy and free of all pain in the life after this one.She was so happy to have know you here briefly but wants you to move on in life and accepting that you have a lot to see and do.Dont dwell on the past.Certainly remember the good times and somewhere,sometime they will come again.

Take it day by day,it is still fresh and rememeer for you to live a full life and be happy you are not just doing it for yourself but for her as well and this is waht she would surely want.

Beruthiel

BarnhallBull wrote: »

I haven't dealt with this at all, I don't know how, I don't even want to deal with it.

Go to your GP and get them to refer you to a bereavement councillor.
This is a dreadfully sad thing to deal with and you need help with it.
A professional will not fix things for you, but they will talk you through the process of living with this and techniques on how to cope with it.
Best of luck.

bubblewrap

Just to add, my grandad recently died due to diabetes, it is a rotten condition - he suffered with it for about 40 years, it is horrible that things like this happen but as the previous poster said, they are free of the pain and all the crap that comes with it.

BarnhallBull

Thanks for all the replies already everyone,

The thing is, I do actually talk with friends and family and they're really helpful. They all keep telling me how well i'm doing and how they wouldn't be as strong in my situation, but deep down it's tearing me apart. I like when people talk to me about it, but really it's only a distraction and as soon as there gone i'm back on my own, heartbroken and lost.

Her family have been amazing, they've been so inclusive of me all along when they could have dismissed me. Seeing her parents and the way they're dealing with it is really all that's keeping me going. I've had a pretty rotten couple of years, parents seperated, 3 major operations that have ended my rugby career (seems trivial, but when you're as passionate about it as I am it's a blow) but no matter how bad things got, I always felt able to deal with it when I had her with me. It sounds stupid, but the one person I need to help me through this is her!

A lot of people have recommended professional help, but for some reason I just can bring myself to make contact. I think it would help, but I just can't do it yet.

Bubblewrap, that's one of the few shreds of comfort I have, that she's free of all the pain that came with the diabetes

cantdecide

I'm heartbroken just reading this and i couldn't possibly know how you feel...

You don't have to get over this. There won't be a day when it's nothing to you any more. Life will go on and you will continue to grow and have new experiences. Years from now and wherever you are in life, the time you spent together will still be special even if it wasn't meant to last forever. You don't have to force yourself to forget about her or your grief but you must already know that the immediate future is going to be a bit of a haze so don't put yourself under to pressure to return to 'normal'.

ellie1

My heart goes out to you.
I dont think you ever get over losing anybody close to you, you just learn to live with it. I think you will become a stronger person some day and you will always have the memories of the wonderful days you spent together.
Thinking of you.

Joey the lips

Barnhall Bull I cant say much to you. You are lucky to have connected so early with such a good person but so unlucky to have lost her.

Its probably bullsh1t to you to say that I will say a prayer for you as you feel angry no doubt at loosing so much.

But I wil say a prayer and hope it gives you a little bit of assurence that someone else in the world is thiking of you and sincerly wishes you all the very best.

Come back anytime and say hello somebody is always here!

adagio

Hey Op,
My heart goes out to you.
For what it's worth, and some of the previous posters have alluded to it, loss is unfortunately an integral part of life - I know this will not ease your pain - please remember that you have been given this amazing gift of life and even if it doesn't look as such now, you will in time have amazing experiences and meet other people who will change you're perspectives.
This does not mean that you have to forget your girlfriend, but that you take the strength that existed between you both and use it to achieve your potential.
I too have experienced loss of loved ones and I keep a piece of both of them in my heart and I know they would want amazing things for me.
Your girlfriend would want amazing things for you too.
You're not alone dude.
Take care.

pookie82

BarnhallBull wrote: »

I like when people talk to me about it, but really it's only a distraction and as soon as there gone i'm back on my own, heartbroken and lost.

Your story is really heartbreaking. What you say here really resonates - that's the saddest thing about grief - the isolation you feel even when surrounded by people who care and are there to help. Friends and family are an amazing support but there will be times when you find yourself alone and desolate because of what has happened.

I know you think you can't bring yourself to talk to anyone profesionally about it but if you think about it, you've taken a step of sorts by just posting on here and talking about how you feel. You sound like you're coping amazingly well and obviously your family seem to think you're a very strong person which is great, but no one is made of steel. If it comes to a stage where you feel like it all becomes too much, then you should seek help. There are lots of people out there specially trained to help you through this.

In the meantime, visit her grave. Talk to her every day. In a while it will feel like she's still there in a way, and it might ease the pain. It will probably take a long time for it to really feel like this, but one day you'll realise how lucky you were to find someone so compatible with you and to have enjoyed the last years of her life with her, even if it was cruelly cut short.

There's nothing anyone can say to change what's happened, but don't be afraid to seek help if you need to talk. Very few people can get through something like this alone. There's no shame in reaching out.

Best of luck.

Ainekav

OP, my heart really goes out to you, you poor thing. What an awful thing to happen to two people so young. This happened to a guy i know- his girlfriend was a friend of mine. I hope you keep talking to your family and friends, there is an awful trend in this country that we dont speak of the dead. People dont realise how much those in grief need to talk about things, and the people theyve lost.

What other people have said here is true, youll never forget what you had, but in time itll get easier. Give yourself time, dont try and rush dealing with this. When you feel able, go and talk to a counsellor. Theyll help with issues of anger in particular I would say.

My heart really goes out to you, youre a brave man
x x x

Elessar

Time is the only real healer in bereavement.

CDfm

OP - that is tough and the real thing is you are young and you are expected to get over it and rebound.

I am not saying you need professional help cos ( but mentioning it to your GP may not be a bad idea either especially if you get the opportunity with your sports injury) what you are feeling is normal. Grief or the blues.

Not so easy -cos you were only the boyfriend.

girlfriend dying ,3 operations,sport life ending , parents splitting up and is an awful lot of grief for a young guy.

4 major items is a lot to deal with by yourself.

Why dont you call your Doctor or his receptionist and say that next time you are in you want to have a quick chat about the death, parents seperation and end of sports career when you have your next appointment.

The call may take 60 seconds and is not face to face so that when you do go in you can actually talk about it.

You may need a bit of an action plan in your life to replace things like sports etc and you may also need things and people to fill lonely moments so establishing a new routine could be something to work on.

Parents and family may not be the best to talk to on stuff because you may offend - but if you are close to someone like a former football coach that you can talk to they might very well be able to give you support.so you should make an effort here.

JonathanAnon

I would like to offer my sympathy as well. Sort of thing that makes you question as to why good people die from horrible diseases and people like Joseph Fritzl is allow to live ???

I think the only advice is to fill your time with something else. You dont have rugby or your girlfriend to spend time with, so you must fill that gap with something else or you will go mad thinking about things.

Cormb

I'm sorry for your loss, and that of her family.

Its a difficult set of circumstances you find yourself in.
Its said that time heals all wounds or maybe we get accustomed to the grief and live our lives in such a way as to deal with it more easily over the years and months that follow.

People sometimes find comfort in talking about the upset and grief with people they know. Others I have spoken to find that writing things down (thoughts, feelings, attitudes) offer some relief.

I hope you find something that helps you.
Look after yourself.

Cormb

LegacyUser

Aww so sad op .....so sorry,

Some advice... Being spiritual is very different to being religious, spiritualists like Buddhists etc believe there is no death, meaning if you look at it like she is just in the other room and feel her spirit around you she is always present, always with you, always loving you, like she always did.

That will never die, she is now your angel watching over you, when you feel her presence she is there.

BarnhallBull

Thanks again for all the replies guys, weird as it sounds, a bit of support from strangers helps!

The last few days have been rotten, I have bad days and I have worse days, the last few days have been particularly tough, no real reason, they just have. I really am finding it tough, like i've already said, she really was my whole life, all I want in the world is for her to put her arms around me and tell me things will be ok... But obviously that can't happen.

It will get easier and I am sure you will find love again.

I appreciate this and I know where you're coming from, but to be honest the thought of ever finding love again terrifies me. I know everyone says to try and think what my girlfriend would want for me, and to live my life, but right now there's nothing I want less than to ever meet someone else, although I'm not naive enough to believe that it'll never happen:(

ChewChew

Elessar wrote: »

Time is the only real healer in bereavement.

This was the worst piece of 'advice' given to me when my Dad passed away. I hated hearing it. 4 years on and it really has not helped.

BarnhallBull wrote: »

Thanks again for all the replies guys, weird as it sounds, a bit of support from strangers helps!

The last few days have been rotten, I have bad days and I have worse days, the last few days have been particularly tough, no real reason, they just have. I really am finding it tough, like i've already said, she really was my whole life, all I want in the world is for her to put her arms around me and tell me things will be ok... But obviously that can't happen.



I appreciate this and I know where you're coming from, but to be honest the thought of ever finding love again terrifies me. I know everyone says to try and think what my girlfriend would want for me, and to live my life, but right now there's nothing I want less than to ever meet someone else, although I'm not naive enough to believe that it'll never happen:(

OP, I feel for you and am very very sorry for your loss. (If I am thinking of the right person of course/if not apologies for the mix up) I didn't know your GF personally but I did hear of the incident and then went on to discover I also knew of the family. It was a very sad time, and my thoughts are with you and her family.

Grieving is a very strange thing. Heck, I've even started my own thread in here some time ago as I've been finding it difficult to deal with my fathers passing which occured 4 years ago.

Looking at the differently, I see my mum. Only ever married to my dad. Her first love. They married and had 3 children. When my dad died she felt like part of her had died too. She was distraught and feeling like her end had met her also. But she struggled through the funeral, the grieving process and then the accepting that my dad was not coming back. My mam was a young woman (47) when she was widowed and she truely felt she would never move on and she would never ever meet another man.

My mother is still grieving for the man she so dearly loves. She still visits his grave every single day. she is still madly in love with him.

But she moved on in a different direction, and his since met a very very nice & caring man with whom she is forming a relationship. But it does not interfer with her grieving process.

The point I am trying to make is that things will happen in due course. There is no need for you to worry about what lies ahead for you just yet. You need to grieve appropriately and accordingly. But only you can do that at your own pace. and you will know, sometime down the line, when you are ready to move on. By moving on it might be the smallest thing like waking up with a smile. smiling while you think of her. Thinking how proud she is of you. And knowing that she wants you to be happy, no matter what you do.

You will never forget her. She will always be with you. Always.

bronte

I'm sure the last thing on your mind is anybody new right now.
Don't worry...I think a lot of people in your position would feel like that.
Do try get a decent counsellor..you've had an awful lot to take in a short space of time, and I think you're being very strong,but you would not believe how great it is to talk to a trained professional.
It's like lifting a massive weight off your shoulders.

Really feel for you hun

CDfm

BarnhallBull wrote: »

The last few days have been rotten, I have bad days and I have worse days, the last few days have been particularly tough, no real reason, they just have. I really am finding it tough, like i've already said, she really was my whole life, all I want in the world is for her to put her arms around me and tell me things will be ok... But obviously that can't happen.

The reason it felt rough was Paddys Day so you have the happines of a festival thing and your grief and the 2 dont mix -you keep coming accross things that bring it back.

Its not something you snap out of without a bit of work which is why people are suggesting a councelling.

Being on your own a lot and being hungry or tired are like grief/depression fuel and you can get into a rut/routine of it thats difficult to break out of.

You played sport so you appreciate that training works. It doesnt give you greater natural ability but it helps you make the best of what you have.

By trying to move forward isnt disrespectful to her - its more like helping yourself think beyond your grief so you can remember the happy times.

Try to plan a day out that makes you get out and do normal things with other people -if its only going to the cinema or hanging out in town etc.

Then try another day - what you may find is that it becomes more manageable but you have to find what works for you and apply it. Thats why I suggested that maybe your sports doctor or your ex coach might be the type of person who knows you well enough to give you some direction. People can be good if you let em.

Crumble Froo

oh, OP, my heart truly goes out to you. only this morning, i thought i'd lost this stone, that was the only physical reminder i had of a really really truly close friend from my teens, who died at 18, when i was still 17. nearly 4 years later, and i had an absolute freak out this morning, nothing and no one could comfort me. i found it, as it happens, (thanks be to fcuk), but for me, it highlighted how, no matter how much time has passed, and how fresh those wounds still are.

time is a healer, in a way. i don't cry every time i think about her, now, i often think of things i'd love to tell her, or reminisce of times we spent together.

OP, don't worry about finding love. things like that happen sometimes, sometimes they dont, but it's all in the future. what's gonna happen in the future, is quite irrelevant, tbh, what you need to deal with is the here and now. ill echo the sentiments of a few other posters and recommend bereavement counselling.

try to take every day one at a time, find a hobby, a love, a passion, if it's your rugby, music, art, writing... something that can help you let out vent up feelings, or explore your thoughts and feelings... just my own take on it... but.... * shrugs*...

just take care, man. it's tough, i know, but keep your head up, don't let the emotions completely take over you. keep posting here if it helps, and just keep taking care of yourself.

MonicaBing

I can only say what everybody else here has said and that is im so sorry for your loss. As Joey mentioned earlier, you were incredibly blessed and lucky to have met someone as amazing as her so young.

But your legacy now, to her, is to carry on with life and living to the best of your abilities each day. Im sure u guys may have talked about your Hopes, dreams plans for the future? Well, pet in honour to her and the amazing time you had together, you owe it to her and more importantly to yourself to grieve, mourn get angry, talk but mostly to adapt and accept and cherish the memory of your time together.

You will never forget her memory, you think u might but you wont .Imagine what her advice would be say if you finished school and were making a decision to travel for a while, hear her words, what would her words be to you?
its only been 4 months, give yourself room to breathe and to grieve proper, what would she say to you if it was a friend who had passed away and she saw your struggle?

She wouldnt want you to struggle like this, speak to her mum, your mum or even your gp as was suggested. Its not weakness, its honesty... I truly truly hope you turn the corner....take care..

LegacyUser

op- i knew your gf and i just want to tell you that she truly was an inspirational person, which makes her loss more acute. My heart goes out to you and as someone said earlier it's like she's just in another room- not really gone. I think it would be a good idea to get professional help-even just to see if it is in anyway helpful. By posting this you have already started the process and that takes courage.

Thinking of you and SO sorry for your loss...

LegacyUser

Well done OP, your doing great!

I cant feel the extent of your pain i can only imagine, i have allowed myself to think what would happen if my babes left me, he is my life and my soul, ive had dreams of this before and woke up and felt awful for a while,like it was true.

I would be struggling to understand why two souls mates were parted in this life time.


I went to a psychic the other day, he told me that me and my babes have known each other since roman times and passed through many life times together, i have to say i do feel a very strong connection to him, i have no mother or father or extended family, if he left me id be a lost lamb, i do tend to look at things in a spiritual way since having no family and grieving them, but soul mates never part.