So I'm crazy about a girl...

Shurwhynot

Basically i'm pretty depressed because i think i'm in love with a girl i met at college 2 years ago. I was in 4th year, she was in first. I'm now 23, working in a different city, and she's in 3rd year in college.

So when i met her, she actually came onto me (she was friends with my mates girlfriend). We met late on in the college year, so i knew time with her was limited. We were together a number of times on nights out, went to the cinema etc, and i found myself really getting into her. We both said that it was a pity we hadn't met earlier in the year etc but eventually the day came and we said our goodbyes not knowing when we wud see each other again.

I went away for the summer and sent her a few texts, but i always felt the conversations were a bit one sided, so i stopped and just told myself to forget about her. And i did sort of. When i got back to Ireland, i went on the lash with my mates in the city where i was in college, and randomly met her in the club. She asked why i hadnt text her to let her know i'd be around blah blah blah. So we ended up scoring again, and all my feelings came rushing back. Then i began work in this other city, which is just over an hour from where she was in college. We text a bit, but again it felt one sided.

Then one day i found out she had kissed one of my friends the night previously. I was pissed off at her more than anything cos lads will be lads. I didnt text her or anything, and left it at that. I went up to my mates then again a few weeks later, got smashed, but didnt text her, which i was happy with. But then i woke up the following morning with 2 missed calls and a message saying she heard i was around. So again my head was all over the place! She then rang me and we had a bit of a friendly chat. So then about a month later i was lying in bed, when i got a text off her saying she was out in my city and wondering if i was around. So i said i was in bed and told her she should have got onto me sooner. She then rang me at about 3 in the morning from her friends place and basically apologised for being with my mate. She was pretty sober and we talked for over an hour. I text her the next day and rang her for a chat and everything. I asked her if we could meet up more often, that i would come up for weekends here and there, but she said that her life was really busy at the moment (she was moving home and she had exams), so i left it off.

Again we lost a bit of touch, even though i never stopped thinking about her, but it was always in my head that if i text her too much she would think i was desperate. I went up to rag week last year then, met her and stayed the night with her. I must also stress that we never actually had sex, which is strange for me as i'm always pretty forward! But its like i respect her too much, and i told her that. I remember saying to her that i didnt want to lose touch with her, but i knew it was inevitable.

Last autumn then, i was in dublin, and knew she was too (good old bebo!). I sent her a drunken text but her replies didnt really bristen with enthusiasm. I met her randomly the following night (albeit i went talking to the guy she was talking to and didnt even recognise her out of me being so drunk, she had to tap me on the shoulder!) But we only spoke for a couple of mins, she was there with her folks and i was legless so i dont blame her!

So anyway we're finally to the present! I added her as a friend on another social networking site last week, and out of the blue she left me a msg saying how it had been so long etc. I knew i was going to be in the college city a few days later, and i told her so. Cue the night in the college, and i always knew i'd end up texting her looking to meet up. However, as events transpired, i met her in the pub i was in with my mates. We got chatting, having a great time, i bought her a couple of drinks, and we ended up kissing. She said that she reckoned we were only opening up a can of worms, and that maybe i should just go off with my friends. I basically told her that i wanted to be with her only. Now we were both pretty tipsy, so i'm not 100% sure what i said to her or what she said to me, but i remember her saying that i was different to any guy she had been with, and how she was always telling her friends how nice i was, and her friends were always telling her how nice i was...great for the ego! But again she said that she felt it was pointless with the distance thing, and i agreed, even though i lied.

We went back to her apartment, and kissed and cuddled for the night and basically i never wanted it to end. The next morning we had such a laugh, just asking each other random questions, but i knew that i would be leaving her, yet again. We kissed and i joked "See ya next year". She laughed and off i went. But i always knew that i couldnt just leave it at that.

So when i got back down to my work city the other night, the depression kicked in of when, if ever, i was going to see her again. So yesterday, i wrote her a big long email, telling her how i felt, and basically asking her if she thought there was any chance i could come visit her more often. I told her i would make all the effort (i would drive up to her every night no problem!) I'm still waiting for a reply, but i'm nearly sure its not going to be good. I stressed that i didnt want her to commit to a relationship, just that i want to see her more often. I should also add that her home is in leinster and mine is in south munster, so that adds to the difficulty of seeing each other at weekends if she had to go home etc. She's also going to the states for the summer, but i just said that surely the past 2 years of us meeting up didnt mean anything to her.

So i'd love a bit of advice, especially from the females, as they might have some idea of whats going on in her head, because i'm stumped! Sorry for the rant!!

Summary: Been scoring a girl on/off for 2 years, go long periods of not seeing her, met her last week again and i now think i'm in love with her, wrote her a long email yesterday laying out all my true feelings, have had no reply as she hasn't logged into her social network page.

missmatty

Sorry for the situation you're in, and for the pun, but i think she's just not that into you. You already asked her about meeting up more often and she was 'busy', that was probably her way of letting you down gently. I know if i really liked someone that i wouldn't let it go on like that for two years, especially if he made it clear he wanted more.

Mr. Incognito

So in Summary.

She's too busy to make time for you.
She likes you, cos you're "nice" and her mates like you.
You're scoring two years and no sex
She kissed one of your best mates.

Doesn't sound like this girl is head over heels to me mate. Sorry.

SarahJ

missmatty wrote: »

Sorry for the situation you're in, and for the pun, but i think she's just not that into you. You already asked her about meeting up more often and she was 'busy', that was probably her way of letting you down gently. I know if i really liked someone that i wouldn't let it go on like that for two years, especially if he made it clear he wanted more.

I disagree, if she didn't like him, she wouldn't give him the time of day!She rings him, emails him etc, and they kissed etc. Why would she do that if she didn't like him? Op, can I ask how old you both are? She might just not want to be tied down in college, especially in a long distance thing, its alot of effort. Unfortunately, she might just like hooking up when you are around, but likes to be with other people when you aren't around.

Shurwhynot

I'm 23 she's 21.

She did say that she didnt want to be tied down in college yes, and i told her i totally agreed, seeing as she wouldnt get to see me that often.

But she must feel something when she contacted me before i contacted her on more than one occasion.

The no sex thing doesnt bother me in the slightest cos i would gladly wait for her to be ready.

SarahJ

All you can do is wait to see what she replies back, because I'd be as stumped as you are, there are alot of mixed signals going on. I think what you did was the best thing, just laying it out, instead of always wondering. If she has read it already, chances are shes just trying to think of what to say back. But also, maybe she hasn't checked her mails yet, ya never know.

aare

I really admire your guts, and you did the ABSOLUTELY right thing in sending that email...but as to how it will turn out...

...you know that handclasping thing people do when they are waiting for a result or elimination?

My hand is here, if it helps, while you wait.

Shurwhynot

Cheers! I just have a bad feeling about it all. I suppose its better to fear the worst than to get my hopes up. And i'm 95% sure she hasn't seen it yet as she hasn't logged into her account

Pat Mustard

I think you should downplay the email where you spilled your guts to her. It is possible that an email like that could make her a bit apprehensive. It may have seemed like a good idea when you sent the email, but only time will tell that. Something tells me that you are not going to get a direct response from her. She doesn't sound like the most straightforward girl in the world.

The thing is that you are only a short distance from this girl. You have her number. You fancy her a lot. She fancies you... You could just ring her and arrange to meet her this weekend. Why not? If she agrees, then you could take it from there.

Shurwhynot

Well if she gives any sort of positive response i will jump at the chance and try arrange a meeting soon. Maybe go to a gig or something cos we share the same taste in music. The email i sent did open my heart but there was plenty light hearted banter in there as well, cos she's the kinda girl who you can have a laugh with at the same time. I fully expect her to kinda beat around the bush if/when she replies. I ended the email saying that she didnt have to respond if she didnt want to, but i'm sure she will. Its really eating me up inside and i'm struggling to concentrate at work!

That Girl..

OP you definitely did the right thing e-mailing her.. Long distance relationships CAN work and i'm sure she knows that.

If she has contacted you on more than one occasion i'm pretty sure she is into you, if she wasn't why would she bother??

But the only thing you can do is wait - I'm like you though.. I always think the worst, always! But it's not a bad way to think at times! I did the same with my boyfriend when we were seeing each other a few months, i didn't really know were stood and i feared the worse but we're still together today so don't be so negative!

It has been going on 2 years and at worst if she says no what are the chances of you bumpin into her anyway?

I wish you the best of luck though, let us know how you get on..

Pub07

Well this is how I see it -

You've stayed the night with her a couple of times and you never had sex with her and she was obviously looking for it (at least up for it), as women dont repeatedly invite you into the sack for the good of their health. Women are attracted to a guy who can do the business, I imagine if you had've shown her a night to remember she would be alot more interested in giving a LDR a go.

And I have to give a thumbs down to the big emotional email, women aren't attracted to guys pouring their hearts out to them in letters/emails, this is the kind of thing a 'nice' guy would do, and look at all the threads on here from guys like that saying they have no luck with women to see where that gets you. An emotional email is giving off desperation vibes as opposed to sexual threat vibes which is what you want to giving off.

If you do get another shot with her give her a night to remember, and the next morning dont agree wither her if she says its too difficult to maintain a LDR, tell her you want to go out with her and that's that.

Shurwhynot

I respect the last 2 contrasting replies.

Pub07 in response to you, she told me before that she didnt want to have sex so soon, and i respected that. I'm not going to pounce on her when i know she isn't ready. And it wasn't a pure soppy email, i was honest with her, but a lot of it was light hearted.

That Girl.. Thanks for helping me stay positive. I keep telling myself that she must be somewhat into me, but she just doesnt want anything concrete for the time being. She's told me she really likes me, she said she even told her brother and sister about me, so i am baffled and i hope she is honest with me. I kind of held off the past 2 years, but my feelings really came to a head over this past week.

ManOfMystery

Pub07 wrote: »

Well this is how I see it -

You've stayed the night with her a couple of times and you never had sex with her and she was obviously looking for it (at least up for it), as women dont repeatedly invite you into the sack for the good of their health. Women are attracted to a guy who can do the business, I imagine if you had've shown her a night to remember she would be alot more interested in giving a LDR a go.

That's a huge generalisation. Myself and my g/f didn't sleep together until 3 months into our relationship, yet we shared a bed plenty of times because she liked me staying and spending time being close with each other. Don't assume that just because a girl invites you to stay with her that she wants her knickers ripped off straight away - particularly if there's a long standing closeness like the OP and the girl in question seem to have. The 80's macho mindset doesn't really work in this situation

themacdaddy

I don't think anyone can tell you whats going on in her head but whatever happens I think its great that you at least went for it. You see too many posts from others in these situations who are too shy to let their feelings be known. Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Hope it works out for you mate.

Shurwhynot

Well guys just to update, she emailed me just a short time ago and said she really appreciated my honesty, but she doesnt feel the same way unfortunately.

At least i tried i guess!

Mr. Incognito

Feel for you dude, but at least you can stop wrecking your head and get on with your life.

SO it was a sucess in some ways.

aare

Pub07 wrote: »

And I have to give a thumbs down to the big emotional email, women aren't attracted to guys pouring their hearts out to them in letters/emails, this is the kind of thing a 'nice' guy would do, and look at all the threads on here from guys like that saying they have no luck with women to see where that gets you. An emotional email is giving off desperation vibes as opposed to sexual threat vibes which is what you want to giving off.

Apart from a small minority of women who only respond well to emotional absence and rejection, that is absolute nonsense...

Some of us are even the opposite. No matter how much a guy meant to me, I can assure you, the honest, emotional pouring out of his heart would not only be his best shot, but his only shot...

I like my *sexual threat* (whatever that may be, I admit it DOES sound interesting ) as much as anyone else, but only if it comes bundled with honesty, communication, emotional reassurance, and the courage to take a chance.

Even if I could not return the feelings, I would still look on a guy who had the courage to openly lay his heart on the line with a new respect...and that alone has to be worth something?

aare

Shurwhynot wrote: »

Well guys just to update, she emailed me just a short time ago and said she really appreciated my honesty, but she doesnt feel the same way unfortunately.

At least i tried i guess!

Make that hand a *BIG HUG*...

Then tomorrow you can start the process of moving on...

I would say "I wish it had turned out better" except the way life tends to go on, one day you may find yourself looking back and thanking heavens you asked and she turned you down...

beertons

You tried man, you put your cards on the table for her to see. You're only 23, so don't let it get you down for too long. 'Twas a nice story from an outsiders view.

3DataModem

Shurwhynot wrote: »

So yesterday, i wrote her a big long email, telling her how i felt, and basically asking her if she thought there was any chance i could come visit her more often. I told her i would make all the effort (i would drive up to her every night no problem!) I'm still waiting for a reply, but i'm nearly sure its not going to be good.

First.... **Well done on sending the email. **

Whatever happens now, you won't have any major regrets. You laid it all out there honestly, and if she doesn't respond (or responds negatively) at least you will know.

Be comforted in the fact that from this experience you have learnt a lot about women, relationships and whether you are willing to commit.

Now use that experience and fill your boots!

Best of luck.

3DataModem

Just realized I missed a page of this thread.

All of what I said is still valid though.

Pub07

aare wrote: »

Apart from a small minority of women who only respond well to emotional absence and rejection, that is absolute nonsense...

Some of us are even the opposite. No matter how much a guy meant to me, I can assure you, the honest, emotional pouring out of his heart would not only be his best shot, but his only shot...

I like my *sexual threat* (whatever that may be, I admit it DOES sound interesting ) as much as anyone else, but only if it comes bundled with honesty, communication, emotional reassurance, and the courage to take a chance.

Even if I could not return the feelings, I would still look on a guy who had the courage to openly lay his heart on the line with a new respect...and that alone has to be worth something?

The days of proclaiming your undying love for someone as a means to start a relationship with them are long over. Might've worked for John Malkovich in Dangerous Liasons but if he took that approach in 2009 he wouldn't be getting much action, he'd probably be posting on this forum about how all his friends are scoring while he can't. Women generally don't want to hear guys going on about their emotions and their feelings, it makes the guy look like a bit of a pussy in their eyes. And to do it by email adds to the lameness a bit, at least say it to her face if you really want to pour your heart out (which I think is a bad idea in any case).

@OP, at least you can move on from this now but I think there are some lessons to be learned as at (more than) one stage she was definitely up for it. There can be no arguing with the evidence, a woman isn't going to hop into bed multiple times with a man who she's been kissing if she isn't up for it. This wasn't a longtime best friends innocently sleeping together deal, there was obvious sexual chemistry.

This kind of thinking - 'its like i respect her too much, and i told her that' 'I'm not going to pounce on her when i know she isn't ready.' is well off the mark, she had no problem hopping in the sack with you on several ocassions! Women, like men, love a bit of excitement, she'd be much more into getting it on in the heat of the moment as opposed to having a boring discussion about the whole thing where you end up saying 'i respect you too much to have sex with you, please tell me when you're ready'. You said in your OP that your normally forward when it comes to this stuff, you should've stuck with your original approach and shown her some spontaneity and excitement, and this could've worked out differently.

aare

Pub07 wrote: »

Women generally don't want to hear guys going on about their emotions and their feelings, it makes the guy look like a bit of a pussy in their eyes.

Which just goes to prove that:

• You are not a woman
• You don't know very much about the way we think

Pub07 wrote: »

The days of proclaiming your undying love for someone as a means to start a relationship with them are long over. Might've worked for John Malkovich in Dangerous Liasons but if he took that approach in 2009 he wouldn't be getting much action.

Do you really think that is what communicating your feelings and emotions adds up to?

Just an old fashioned "line" to get "some action"?

Well it isn't, and your other assumptions about women are so far wide of the mark that I can even see a possibility of you winding up in the dock through acting on *assumption* some day.

banshee_bones

firstly well done for having the guts to send that email in the first place, know lots of people who can write it out, get it out of their system but cant hit "send".

OP you can move on now, and you know. So no more having your head wrecked with the "what if's..."

aare

banshee_bones wrote: »

So no more having your head wrecked with the "what if's..."

Utterly, totally...the two most pointless, cruel, words in the world are "what if"...

Overheal

I wouldn't have sent the email. I've been down that road, a lot. Never works. They just show you off as a needy emotional little basket case that can't control his own thoughts and feelings rationally. Doesnt matter how those emails are worded. Ever. Love letters are meant to be written between two people that are *shock* in love with eachother. It doesn't work unless both of you are already in a relationship, and its some kind of long distance "Miss You! " letter. Unrequited love letters are god's worst kind of self-destructive sabotage.

You weren't in a long distance relationship, and she didn't want one. Now theres been left this awkward moment for the pair of you - awkward though it may be, leave it alone! Only time and distance will put it behind the pair of you so whatever you do just don't contact her for a while. Any more emails or texts you fire off at this stage will only push her farther away.

It may be that you are a great guy, honest and sensitive, makes her laugh, passionate... But for whatever reason she does not want to engage to a long distance relationship, or for that matter a long term relationship.

Personally, I think all you can do in a situation like that is respect it for what it is, two ships passing in the night. Theres no relationship. Its a fling. A wonderful, short-lived, sporadic, fling.

Now look far ahead, 10 years from now, where are you? Well, you're a young guy, and she's a young woman. There is time to be wasted here for lack of a better phrase. You may love this girl but are you Really ready to lock down buy a house and make babies? I think you should have just took it as it came, met up with her when she was in town, had a few laughs and a sweet moment as friends with benefits. And when she would be gone a few days later you are still a free, single lad.

aare

Overheal wrote: »

I wouldn't have sent the email. I've been down that road, a lot. Never works. They just show you off as a needy emotional little basket case that can't control his own thoughts and feelings rationally. Doesnt matter how those emails are worded. Ever. Love letters are meant to be written between two people that are *shock* in love with eachother. It doesn't work unless both of you are already in a relationship, and its some kind of long distance "Miss You! " letter. Unrequited love letters are god's worst kind of self-destructive sabotage.

How do you know they ARE "unrequited" until you have the courage to put it on the line and ASK, without reservations or conditions which is what he did.

When you tell the truth about your feelings you are giving the other person the free choice to work out their own real reaction rather than trying to manipulate them by "playing hard to get".

The rest of your post makes a LOT of sense though.

rhonda15

well done op

sending that email took guts

i always think it's best to lay your cards on the table and show how you truly feel - and this was after all a relationship that had carried on for quite a while and at a distance and needed such a declaration

the first guy i ever fell in love with sent me a long love letter declaring his feelings for me and reigniting our relationship (this was after he had put me through the hell of having dumped me and going back back to his old girlfriend) and it always sticks in my memory as being the coolest thing ever.

themacdaddy

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Feel for you dude, but at least you can stop wrecking your head and get on with your life.

SO it was a sucess in some ways.

Totally agree with Mr Incognito here. Although you didn't get what you want at least she was honest with you and now you can move on. You will find someone else. Time is a great healer.

aare

ellie2528 wrote: »

Sorry, as a girl, I have to agree - I know that we think that we want guys to make the big emotional gesture aare, but I would say DONT LISTEN TO US - we dont know what we want!! When I look back through my relationship archives, trying to be unbiased, the only thing that I fell for was a guy who posed a challenge for me.

Ellie, you can't make someone fall for you by using a specific strategy. It just doesn't lead anywhere real.

I bet my "relationship archives" are way longer, and more extensive, than yours, and I walked away from a lot of people I was really into, fast because I hadn't got a clue how they felt about me, or the self esteem to default to anything other than "not that into me".