Long distance relationships

MintyDoris

Hi All,
I´m looking for some opinions/experiences of long distance relationships. Have you been in one? How did you feel? What were the bad or good points? Did it work out? What areas did you struggle with? Any advice?
Anything at all would be really helpful
Thanks

Silverfish

MintyDoris wrote: »

Hi All,
I´m looking for some opinions/experiences of long distance relationships. Have you been in one? How did you feel? What were the bad or good points? Did it work out? What areas did you struggle with? Any advice?
Anything at all would be really helpful
Thanks

Is this a personal issue for you?

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm in one right now. It can be difficult but so far less than I thought. We talk most days for an hour on Skype and email regularly which makes it a lot easier. It's only been 2 months so far, though. I worry about the future, as I really like this guy but it does feel a bit like I'm throwing away my time and not enjoying where I'm living and being able to have a BF I can see, hug, be with every day. That's really hard. Im gonna see him in a few weeks but its gonna be 2 weeks and then nothing for 8-9 months. I'd be interested in opinions from others who have done this long term and if it worked out or not.

MintyDoris

Yes sorry, I didn´t make that very clear. I´m thinking of entering into one but not sure what issues may come up and I´m wondering if there are things that I haven´t considered
Thanks

Stheno

How long distance would your LDR be?

Some people consider a relationship an LDR if it means a two hour drive to see the person whilst others consider an LDR one seperated by country/continent

MintyDoris

I´d be in Ireland and he´d be in Spain

LegacyUser

I'm currently in one. For over a year and a half now. It started long distance, then living in the same place for 6 months, then long distance again. If you're with the right person and ye communicate well, it can work. I wouldn't have been able to sustain a LDR with a previous partner. It depends on two people. It can be very difficult at times, missing each other. But we sustain it by always knowing when we'll see each other next, be that a few weeks or a couple of months- it's important to have something to look forward too. Using a web cam with Skype is very good too as you get to talk to the person properly and see them smile etc. All the best.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Basically, met my OH 5.5 years ago when he was studying here (he is from another country). WE were together for the year then did back and forth for another year, it would be about 2 months between seeing eachother. Then he moved here for like4 months, then I went to his country for 3 months, then I moved to a different country and didnt see him for 3.5 months then we did back and forth (ok sorry this is so long) then finally nearly 3 yrs ago he moved here.
Now it wasn't easy, but we had already been together 7/8 months when we did our 1st stint of long distance. The way I saw it was, I love this guy, I want to be with him and I would rather do the long distance than break up and not have him at all.

Now he is living here with me and its amazing and I am very happy. We never take eachother for granted because we know how lucky we are to be together. Also though I feel guilty sometimes that he has moved here, because he misses his family etc. but I would and will do the same in a couple of years (we plan to move back to his country for a while and see how it goes there). It isn't easy, but it isn't at all impossible. Just keep yourself busy, hang out with friends and talk as much as possible to your boyfriend. I did it and every day I am grateful that we are together!

Good Luck

BL

LegacyUser

In a LDR right now, we were together for almost a year, then we've been doing the distance thing 3 years or so. It is difficult. Whether it works or not depends on how determined you are to make it work.The problems that do exist are not the obvious ones people think of. I have never cheated on my gf despite being apart for weeks and months at a time, yet I know other couples who live minutes from each other and have cheated etc. The problems that do arise are visits - i.e. who's turn is it to visit, trying to arrange holidays at the same time is the biggest problem, little things like communication problems get blown out of all proportion, simply because a text message or email or even instant messaging, great as they are, can' compare to an actual face to face conversation, so misunderstandings and rows tend to start over innocuous things, like the tone of your voice/ a misinterpreted typed word etc. The big thing like any relationship is commitment. If you both want it to work it will work, providing you put the effort in. As for me, I'm due to marry my fiancée later this year so it certainly worked for us. I actually prefer it this way, as my relationship, strained as it is by distance, has outlasted all of my friends, we still have the passionate spark whenever we meet, and it seems like all our time together we get on like we had just started going out.

star-pants

I have a friend who's dating a girl in Chicago, they met when she was over here last year and have managed to keep things going. He's been over to visit and she's been here to visit. They've also gone on a holiday together. They talk most nights via skype and they're doing pretty well.

I've another friend who's dating a girl in Australia, again, they met when she was here for a year. He's been to visit her and vice versa and they too have been on holidays to London & Paris. They're doing pretty well too, they stay in contact via skype / text/mail etc. It could be up to 6months between seeing each other.

MeMyself&I

Hi OP, i have been in a long distance relationship for well over a year.
We see each other every second weekend, and talk, email and text everyday.
It has been very tough for the both of us, but we manage to get through it. The hardest thing is saying goodbye after spendins a weekend together, im quite an emotional person, so the 'goodbyes' dont help. We have had very bad times, and very good times, and i think the LDR has made us stronger.
During the week is tough too, if i had a bad day at work, i just want him to be at home, just for a cuddle and to talk it though with him. The weekends we spend apart are also very very tough, and i find i get very lonely (although i still have lots of friends).
But the times we spend together make up for everything.
Also you have to consider the financial issue, we spend bout 100-150 a month on flights (not bad as we work, but in this climate it may not suit everyone).

But my overall feelings about LDR are good, if you are strong, and you love each other, then you'll get through it fine.

im moving over to my boyfriend in a few months :D:D:D:D

Wagon

Yep. 6 months so far. Moving over to her country soon. It's hard, but it can work if it's a good match.

MIN2511

It's worked for some and not for others...

It's your decision, you have to make it on your own. Is it worth the stress and hassle, the future-which one of you is going to relocate. What will you be giving up to live together?

That said, ryanair has cheap flghts! Sometimes it's cheaper going away than spending weekends in Dublin

goodluck!

Terodil

Can pretty much echo what has been said in this thread already.

What I really like about LDRs is the way that every single time you see each other is 'special'. You spend days preparing and wondering what could make that specific weekend a memorable event. And you get those butterflies in your stomach again like on the very first date. Every time you are together is just so much more intense than it would be if the evenings together were a commodity.

What I dislike... yep, saying bye is very, very hard and painful. On the other hand, if you have a 'next time' to look forward to and it's not too far away, it's bearable. And this whole 'lonely' thing can be a big bummer too...

All in all I think it comes down to what you see in the relationship, how much you want to invest into it, and where your common interests lie. People who are only interested in pubs and soccer may have a big problem making it work because communication is key in a LDR. If you have other stuff to talk about, music, literature, politics, philosophy, art, whatever, it's probably easier.

I personally wouldn't want to miss my LDR for anything in the world

What I really like about LDRs is the way that every single time you see each other is 'special'. You spend days preparing and wondering what could make that specific weekend a memorable event. And you get those butterflies in your stomach again like on the very first date. Every time you are together is just so much more intense than it would be if the evenings together were a commodity.

I like that and dislike it at the same time. I find the downside to it is that it's all a bit 'fake'. It's hard to have a 'normal' relationship when you don't have that daily contact and inevitable bickering/arguing that happens. I know a lot of people who were grand long distance but once they actually moved to be together, realised they actually didn't get along very well. I'm in my first LDR now and afraid this might become a problem. The upside, as you said, is not taking each other for granted and every time being a special event. That part is nice.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];59472657]I like that and dislike it at the same time. I find the downside to it is that it's all a bit 'fake'. It's hard to have a 'normal' relationship when you don't have that daily contact and inevitable bickering/arguing that happens. I know a lot of people who were grand long distance but once they actually moved to be together, realised they actually didn't get along very well. I'm in my first LDR now and afraid this might become a problem. The upside, as you said, is not taking each other for granted and every time being a special event. That part is nice.[/QUOTE]


Actualy it tends to make being together later on easier. The most important aspect of the LDR being communication - constant communication. That's what make a relationship work. In my situation I actually speak to my OH more than a couple I know who live together, they work long hours, with commutes in separate directions and different social lives. I know my OH inside-out and backwards, only because we talk about everything, every little detail.If you find you dont get along very well with your OH after a LDR, then you were doing something wrong during the distance.

MeMyself&I

From the very start of my LDR, i was spending the full weekends with my b'f (thursday night until Monday), so i felt i got to know him properly from the start. He saw me straight away with no makeup, and in my pj's, he saw me with my hair messy, with no fake tan, Spots, time of the month, grumpy form...and this was all during the dating period.

Also the fact that we dont see each other face to face most days, communication is very strong between both of us. I think after 15 months together and still being able to speak (and have interestings conversations)for nearly two hours every night is pretty good, and we still write nice emails to each other.

Im glad i have stuck with it, and that we are still together, i love the bones of him, and cant wait to move in with each other. :rolleyes::D:P

*Honey*

I can't really add too much more to what the others have said.

I've been in two LDR's, one worked out, the other didn't.

The one that didn't was because the guy was selfish, lazy, quite non-communicative and very needy in turn, probably a very big fat liar but I can't prove that (but I suspect he lied about almost everything to be honest). It was very much doomed but I wasn't ready to admit - I finished it, I just had enough of being the one who gave and never got anything back in return.

The second one certainly has worked out - seeing as we'll be married 5 years this year! I knew from the beginning this was different but the previous relationship had taught me exactly what I wanted so I was very clear about the rules... and I do believe you need rules with an LDR. Our rules included never going to sleep on an argument, always being honest with each other, making time for each other every day, always booking the next trip the day after you get home from the previous trip (that way you always have something to look forward to)... a lot of these rules have stayed with us. It has worked because we both wanted it to work, we respected each other together or apart, we talked talked talked and talked again (as everyone has said it certainly teaches you good communication!), we made it work because we both wanted it (which is absolutely the key thing I think).

It costs money, it hurts a lot at times (saying goodbye at the airport really stinks, it hurts like a knife in the heart), it can be frustrating and annoying but oh my God can it be fun, exciting, and just so full of love - I wouldn't have been without it as I absolutely met my soulmate.

Actualy it tends to make being together later on easier. The most important aspect of the LDR being communication - constant communication. That's what make a relationship work. In my situation I actually speak to my OH more than a couple I know who live together, they work long hours, with commutes in separate directions and different social lives. I know my OH inside-out and backwards, only because we talk about everything, every little detail.If you find you dont get along very well with your OH after a LDR, then you were doing something wrong during the distance.

It has nothing to do with knowing the person. You can know someone inside out and still get irritated with them when you're together all the time. Talking on Skype isn't the same as everyday life. It just isn't. You don't see the irritating habits, you don't tend to bicker much. You're not seeing as much of the person's 'bad' side as you would if you were together all the time. You don't have problems like him spending too much time in the pub with his mates (especially if he's in another country without his usual social life like my BF is) or ignoring you while talking on the phone to mates or any of those little things can be REALLY grating in a relationship. When you do see each other, you're on your best behaviour because you don't want to ruin your one weekend together by being stroppy, even if you're annoyed about something. Maybe this isn't a problem for some people, but I know it is for a lot of my friends including my ex. He said he didn't think he would have lasted nearly as long with his ex-girlfriend if he'd had to see her every day. It took him much longer to realise it wasn't working. In his words, the honeymood period was extended by about a year because they saw each other so infrequently.

LegacyUser

[quote=[Deleted User];59474390]It has nothing to do with knowing the person. You can know someone inside out and still get irritated with them when you're together all the time. Talking on Skype isn't the same as everyday life. It just isn't. You don't see the irritating habits, you don't tend to bicker much. You're not seeing as much of the person's 'bad' side as you would if you were together all the time. You don't have problems like him spending too much time in the pub with his mates (especially if he's in another country without his usual social life like my BF is) or ignoring you while talking on the phone to mates or any of those little things can be REALLY grating in a relationship. When you do see each other, you're on your best behaviour because you don't want to ruin your one weekend together by being stroppy, even if you're annoyed about something. Maybe this isn't a problem for some people, but I know it is for a lot of my friends including my ex. He said he didn't think he would have lasted nearly as long with his ex-girlfriend if he'd had to see her every day. It took him much longer to realise it wasn't working. In his words, the honeymood period was extended by about a year because they saw each other so infrequently.[/QUOTE]



Thats exactly where the communication that can be fostered by long distance comes in.If your OH has a habit that irritates the hell out of you - easy solution you talk about it. Little things become irritating when you don't communicate the fact that it annoys you. If my gf does something that annoys me me i say it, down to the smallest most insignificant thing, and her likewise.We discuss it = we get over it. We fight and bicker about things like in any relationship, but in ours due to the distance our communication skills are better, and communication is the key to a successful relationship. If you're living with your OH and still getting irritated over things...... time to sort it out.