Married and confused - how do you stop yourself from going further?

LegacyUser

Going out with my partner 8 years and and married a few years. Was quite happy till about 6 months ago. In that time I have got a bit closer to a girl from work whom I know a long time.

Always been relatively good mates, she herself had a long term relationship till recently. We have got closer I guess though nothing has happened between us physically. We have been out a couple of times recently at work and people have and are speculating about us in work.

I do feel a connection with her but not sure of her feelings. She has been a good friend and is one of 'the good ones'. If I was single I think something would have happened by now though she is not one to get involved with a married man. A couple of drunken occasions she has rested her hand on my leg and squeezed it though I'm not reading too much into it. She commented to me recently on the speculation saying that maybe its coz we look like we are together but not to mind it. We have never made any move on each other. We have met a few times on our own for drinks.

The thing is I don't want to ruin what I have with my wife but I already feel I have cheated on her in my heart yet I want to get closer to this other girl. I visualise us together.

I'm asking has this happened other people and how do you cope with an attraction your head says no to but your heart says yes?

Salome

How do you cope? You walk away.

You're married. You owe it to your wife to end your friendship with this woman - I know it's harsh but this isn't a time for half-assed measures.

Leave this girl alone, concentrate on your marriage.

Nevyn

Leave her alone and work on your relationship with your wife, what it is that you find lacking in your marriage which you find in the other woman ?

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Leave her alone and work on your relationship with your wife, what it is that you find lacking in your marriage which you find in the other woman ?

+1
can't say it better.

Lucy Lu

All relationships go through highs and lows. And we as humans can often feel an attraction to others or feel there is an connection. But acting on it is a totally different issue.

Yes, you may feel you have a spark with this other woman but you should leave it be. More than likely if anything did happen you would be disappoined and could ruin your marriage.

Spend more time with your wife and work on the spark you had with her.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

It's ok to have a crush. It's whether you choose to act on it. (And yes, there is always a choice involved)

To avoid anything going further though you have to step out of temptation's way. By that I mean you guys simply can't spend any time alone together again. Ever. Going for drinks alone or doing anything just the two of you where things can easily get out of hand must be avoided.

Blue_Wolf

Exactly just step out of the way. All well in good that you guys are good friends but once you want to be more than friends you have to take a step back. Look at what she has that your wife doesnt. More than likely its the spark the excitment. Something that perhaps your lacking from your marriage. Doing the same things for the last 8 years can run a good few emotions and questions through both the man and woman.
Talk to your wife and see if you guys can do something that will emm Spice things up a little?

Oh The Humanity

You dont get yourself into situations where things can run out of control, thats how.

That means you dont organise to be alone together having drinks, seriously.

The decision gets made in your head waaaaaaaaaaayyyy earlier than the actual first leg squeeze/kiss etc

Its made when ye deign to be alone together with drink flowing, what follows on from that is aleady pre-ordained.

Take yourself out of temptations way whatever you do.

tbh

Unregistered99 wrote: »

Going out with my partner 8 years and and married a few years. Was quite happy till about 6 months ago. In that time I have got a bit closer to a girl from work whom I know a long time.

Always been relatively good mates, she herself had a long term relationship till recently. We have got closer I guess though nothing has happened between us physically. We have been out a couple of times recently at work and people have and are speculating about us in work.

I do feel a connection with her but not sure of her feelings. She has been a good friend and is one of 'the good ones'. If I was single I think something would have happened by now though she is not one to get involved with a married man. A couple of drunken occasions she has rested her hand on my leg and squeezed it though I'm not reading too much into it. She commented to me recently on the speculation saying that maybe its coz we look like we are together but not to mind it. We have never made any move on each other. We have met a few times on our own for drinks.

The thing is I don't want to ruin what I have with my wife but I already feel I have cheated on her in my heart yet I want to get closer to this other girl. I visualise us together.

I'm asking has this happened other people and how do you cope with an attraction your head says no to but your heart says yes?

jesus fcuking christ, are you even making an effort here man? If I told you that the girl you are into was going to kill you, would you still be drifting along thinking "oh no, what can I do, I can't help myself?" Like hell! you'd quit your job, move away, never see this girl again. Take control of the situation - do you want to make your marriage work, or do you want to be free to have casual sex?

This is not something that's out of your control - you hold all the power here. Quit acting like this is something that's merely happened to you, and accept that everytime you are meeting her, everytime she's putting her hand on your leg - you are choosing to let that happen.

In summary, man up.

smythire

Well, until you gone to the next stage you be worring about nothing..so if you want your relationship with your wife/best friend to work, you better stop hanging around with that other girl.

easy!

LegacyUser

Sorry I meant to reply earlier.

Thanks for comments. I think I just need to sort my head out and put physical and emotional distance between us (ie work girl).

Been thinking about our wedding day - everything it meant and how good she is too me. I fancy her like mad so its not even like I don't. As a previous poster said it's probably a crush and maybe it happens the best of us, I'm just trying to think that maybe every marraige goes through this and the point is that you got married for a reason and its about never forgetting why.

The problem I think is that she went on a date with someone about a year into our relationship behind my back although I wasn't exactly a dream to live with at the time. Trust her completely and can't say I've never flirted with someone in all the time we've been together so I think it's time to welcome myself to an adult relationship (despite being 30)

LegacyUser

Personally I would probably take a chance and sleep with the girl. Then again my opinion of marriage is very much coloured by my own failed one. I had so many chances to screw other women and if I knew then what I knew now I definitely would have taken them. We only ever really regret the things we DIDN'T do. Think about it ...

CDfm

Unregistered99 wrote: »

A couple of drunken occasions she has rested her hand on my leg and squeezed it though I'm not reading too much into it. She commented to me recently on the speculation saying that maybe its coz we look like we are together but not to mind i

The thing is I don't want to ruin what I have with my wife but I already feel I have cheated on her in my heart yet I want to get closer to this other girl. I visualise us together.

I'm asking has this happened other people and how do you cope with an attraction your head says no to but your heart says yes?

Less of this cheating in your heart stuff and fantasising. You come across like a teenage girl.Enough with the what "ifs" -its a work relationship and its easy to mistake friendzone with potential intimacy.

I worked with a woman years back who used to fix her stockings on her suspender belt in front of me. A really good friend later on.

Squeezing your leg might have been a cmon as its more than flirting and are you sure it wasn't further up the thigh. If you are thinking of having a fling/no strings attached sex make sure you understand the risks of work stuff etc and the personal impact if things go wrong. Then again she might think you are safe or might even want a man she knows for a night - women have needs too.

It might be not a bad idea to book a weekend away with your wife and buy some really raunchy underwear for her and work thru your demons that way.

seanybiker

CDfm wrote: »

I worked with a woman years back who used to fix her stockings on her suspender belt in front of me. A really good friend later on.

Pics or GTFO.
Op nothing to worry about its only a crush. I once told my lack I was leaving her for someone else until she informed me that Jennifer Anniston probably doesnt even know me.

CDfm

seanybiker wrote: »

Pics or GTFO.
Op nothing to worry about its only a crush. I once told my lack I was leaving her for someone else until she informed me that Jennifer Anniston probably doesnt even know me.

Haha - its true.

What is it about Jennifer Anniston -how could you fancy that?