Am I being cruel?

LegacyUser

I need a bit of advice. I am asking for honest advice and not for people who are looking to bash, because I deem this to be a serious relationship.

I have been going with my bf for over 2 years now. This is so complicated trying to explain in a short version! He was 'friends' with this girl before he met met. She lived in the states, and he lives here in Ireland. They would go away on holidays together, sleep together, etc. He made it clear to her from the start there was no way this would be going any farther because of the distance.

Then he met me, and we were dating about 4 weeks when he said he was going over to visit his aunt for a week in the uk as her husband had died. He really went away on a weeks holidays to france with her, slept with her, then came back to me.

I only found out about it a month or so ago. He owned up and said he handled the situation wrong, that he didnt tell me because he liked me and wanted to continue seeing me. And that the holiday was already booked before he met me. But he didnt tell her either what was going on.

Now she is getting married to someone else in September, and he wants to go to the wedding in the states, and wants me to come with him. I had an absolute fit and said no way would I be going to her wedding. And that I did not want him to go either. He said that shes been a really good friend to him for many years and he was going to be there for her big day.

I feel really hurt and like its a big slap in the face. Basically like heres the girl I was cheating on you with. He doesnt see what the big problem is, and why im getting so upset. Am I being cruel or unreasonable to say he cant go to the wedding?

Can anyone offer a suggestion on what to do?

LegacyUser

I think you problem is rooted in the fact that he has cheated on you and not that he wants to go to this wedding.

Shes getting married so its hardly likly that they are going to fall into bed together again. I dont think you should stop him going as he will only resent you for it.

Theres obvioulsy and understandably mistrust in the relationship as a result fof his cheating which needs to be adressed as the bigger problem.

ellie1

I think it is was very decent of him to tell you as you were only dating and neither of you knew where it was going after four weeks..

Now, the other girl is getting married and you are in a serious relationship with this guy. I understand that you are upset about what happened but it was a long time ago and you were only dating. The fact that he made up such a lie about someone dying is not nice at all. However, he owned up.

You do not own this guy and have no rights to tell him what he can or cannot do. I dont think you should demand he not go alone, he is not a piece of property.You can explain that you are hurt but that is not this girls fault. She did not know about you. I think you should go as your boyfriend has asked you to. What happened is in the past and she is moving on and he wants to move on it with you. This girl was a friend to your boyfriend amongst other things but he wants to be with you. If you choose not to go, he can go alone if he wishes as its his choice not yours.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel really hurt and like its a big slap in the face. Basically like heres the girl I was cheating on you with. He doesnt see what the big problem is, and why im getting so upset. Am I being cruel or unreasonable to say he cant go to the wedding?

Can anyone offer a suggestion on what to do?

It's HUGELY insensitive of him to ask you to go to the wedding, and questionable for him to go when he knows it would upset you.

If I were you, I'd be saying the same. If I were you, I don't think I'd still be with him, actually.

Katgurl

shellyboo wrote: »

It's HUGELY insensitive of him to ask you to go to the wedding, and questionable for him to go when he knows it would upset you.

If I were you, I'd be saying the same. If I were you, I don't think I'd still be with him, actually.

+1

If you have explained to him how hurt you feel by the whole situation I dont' think you should even have to ask him not to attend. If I were in your shoes that's exactly what I'd be saying to him.

But TBH, I'd be strongly considering leaving someone who had that little regard for me.

LegacyUser

I can uderstand why you might be insecure about this girl but you have to realise that he chose you. Ok he went away with her & lied about it, but it was early days and he had no idea that what you had was going to turn into a lasting relationship. It was a mistake that I'm presuming he told you about at some point & you've forgiven him.

The fact that he wants you to accompany him really should put your insecurities about her to bed. He wants you to come and meet her, why would he do that if there was any feelings still there. She is probably a very nice girl, she didn't know you existed at the time, and they obviously have a good friendship which is a part of his life he is inviting you to become involved in.

You'll feel much better if you let the past go, and your BF will respect you alot more for it.

aye

shellyboo wrote: »

It's HUGELY insensitive of him to ask you to go to the wedding, and questionable for him to go when he knows it would upset you.

If I were you, I'd be saying the same. If I were you, I don't think I'd still be with him, actually.

Have to agree with this. I can't fathom where he thinks its ok to ask you to go to the wedding.
I don't understand why he would really want to go either tbh.

Try have a talk with him without having a fit, and tell him how you feel. Really tho he should get it without you having to say anything.

Nevyn

I'd want to go, to be there with him and to be seen there with him and make sure she got married. I would eat drink and be merry cos she would be the one paying for it.

He choose you over her, she is getting married to someone else , they have been in
each other's lives a long time. If you can go an assert yourself as the woman in his life
then grand. IF you are too upset to do that and if you don't trust him and if he has
a complete lack of awareness of sensativity as to why you find this upsetting then
you have more problems in your relationship then him wantng to go to a wedding with
you on his arm.

Katgurl

Thaedydal wrote: »

I'd want to go, to be there with him and to be seen there with him and make sure she got married. I would eat drink and be merry cos she would be the one paying for it.

He choose you over her, she is getting married to someone else , they have been in
each other's lives a long time. If you can go an assert yourself as the woman in his life
then grand. IF you are too upset to do that and if you don't trust him and if he has
a complete lack of awareness of sensativity as to why you find this upsetting then
you have more problems in your relationship then him wantng to go to a wedding with
you on his arm.

yeah that's all fine if the OP feels up to it. If not, no way should he be considering going regardless.

aye

Unregistered wrote: »

I can uderstand why you might be insecure about this girl but you have to realise that he chose you. Ok he went away with her & lied about it, but it was early days and he had no idea that what you had was going to turn into a lasting relationship. It was a mistake that I'm presuming he told you about at some point & you've forgiven him.

The fact that he wants you to accompany him really should put your insecurities about her to bed. He wants you to come and meet her, why would he do that if there was any feelings still there. She is probably a very nice girl, she didn't know you existed at the time, and they obviously have a good friendship which is a part of his life he is inviting you to become involved in.

You'll feel much better if you let the past go, and your BF will respect you alot more for it.

but the OP doesnt want to meet her, and why should she. If a girl was with someone else while i was with her, early days or not, i'd hardly want to go and meet the person.

LegacyUser

but the OP doesnt want to meet her, and why should she. If a girl was with someone else while i was with her, early days or not, i'd hardly want to go and meet the person.

Why not? That person didn't do anything wrong.

IMO the BF didn't do anything that wrong either, they were only dating a couple of weeks, he shouldn't have lied fair enough but he didn't cheat on her. OP has forgiven him this so why continue to hold it against him?

Certainly should not be held against a girl who wasn't aware of the situation.

He has a friendship with this girl that has lasted years, I certainly wouldn't consider giving up ANY of my friends for a bf(GF in this case) and if OP has forgiven him she shouldn't either. If not then the issue isn't attending the wedding.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

IMO the BF didn't do anything that wrong either, they were only dating a couple of weeks, he shouldn't have lied fair enough but he didn't cheat on her. .

+1. He chose you I would go to the wedding and look your best she is marrying someone else, leave the past in the past and stop being so insecure and controlling.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

IMO the BF didn't do anything that wrong either, they were only dating a couple of weeks, he shouldn't have lied fair enough but he didn't cheat on her.

I question your morals, tbh. He most certainly DID cheat on her. He lied to her about where he was going - he knew he was doing something wrong or else he'd have told her the truth. If he'd said "I'm off to France to fcuk another girl" she'd have dumped him. I'd dump him now for lying about it.

Katgurl

I wrote out a reply but it didn't load.

in summary, i'm gobsmacked at some of the replies.

if he didn't think what he did was wrong he wouldn't have lied about it for nearly 2 years!! the OP has every right to feel hurt and betrayed. the beginning of her relationship is built on lies and she only found out a month ago. Of course she feels hurt and let down.

It is not too much to ask that her boyfriend now makes every effort to make her feel secure and reassured and if this includes cutting off contact with the person he betrayed her wiht (and yes it was a betrayal or he wouldnt have had to cover it up & subsequently 'come clean') if that is what the OP has asked. Not attending her wedding is the least he should be doing.

Peewee_lane

Jesus, what an insensitive fool.

One of my ex's lied to me about meeting up early on with a girl he was seeing too and 2 years into our relationship, it tore me apart. I actually became ill because deep down I was so hurt about it, I hadnt any closure and keeping how I felt in, I actually lost a ton of weight.

This guy needs a snack in the mouth. Hes being totally insensitive. Id like to know how he got invited, i.e, call or email.

Also.. what type of girl wants to have her f*ckbuddy at her wedding, let alone fly thousands of miles to be there. A simple card and small gift is a nice way for your OH to show that he appreciates their friendship and is happy shes moved on.

I wouldnt go and I would ask him not to go either, he wont know anyone other than her.

I would seriously consider all his answers rationally and then dump his stuipid ass if he cant understand how hurtful hes behaving.

Or.. play it cool.

Go home tonight and say, look, all this talk about Mary got me thinking, maybe I should be honest with you too.

Tell him a tale about banging the ass off Barry while he was in France banging Mary.

Gague his reaction.. I know its extreme but the calmer you play this one, the more you will win.

IMO

LegacyUser

Shellyboo they were dating, OP said it herself. Thats hardly an exclusive relationship.

shellyboo

Peewee_lane wrote: »

Or.. play it cool.

Go home tonight and say, look, all this talk about Mary got me thinking, maybe I should be honest with you too.

Tell him a tale about banging the ass off Barry while he was in France banging Mary.

Gague his reaction.. I know its extreme but the calmer you play this one, the more you will win.

IMO

Whatever you do, DO NOT follow this advice. Further lying will not fix the situation.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

Shellyboo they were dating, OP said it herself. Thats hardly an exclusive relationship.

Em, yes it is, unless otherwise specified. Like I say... if it was normal or ok, he wouldn't have lied about it, would he?

aye

Unregistered wrote: »

Why not? That person didn't do anything wrong.

IMO the BF didn't do anything that wrong either, they were only dating a couple of weeks, he shouldn't have lied fair enough but he didn't cheat on her. OP has forgiven him this so why continue to hold it against him?

Certainly should not be held against a girl who wasn't aware of the situation.

He has a friendship with this girl that has lasted years, I certainly wouldn't consider giving up ANY of my friends for a bf(GF in this case) and if OP has forgiven him she shouldn't either. If not then the issue isn't attending the wedding.

BS, 4 weeks is a long enough time of dating to know that going on a trip to shag someone else isn't on.
he did cheat on her, they might no have been in a big relationship, but at the same time, he shouldnt be going off to shag someone else if he wants a future relationship with the girl he is dating.

I;m not saying it should be held against the girl, she prob knew nothing about it.

I'm saying i can completely understand why the OP wouldnt want to meet her, and her BF should too.

Their friendship was based on them meeting up on holidays and shagging, which should have stopped when he met his now GF.

The OP may have forgiven him, she hasnt actually said, but the issue is she hardly wants to see this person, be reminded of the whole thing and have to remember how he broke her trust. She's giving him a second chance essentially, and he should be a bit more understanding of it.

LegacyUser

Sorry but 4 weeks is enough to call it cheating.

I would be furious but you certainly cannot blame her, do you think she would have gone ahead sleeping with him if she knew about you?

He is a pig and TBH I would get rid personally.

Mr. Incognito

Go home tonight and say, look, all this talk about Mary got me thinking, maybe I should be honest with you too.

Tell him a tale about banging the ass off Barry while he was in France banging Mary.

Gague his reaction.. I know its extreme but the calmer you play this one, the more you will win.

Worst advice, ever. People that engage in this sort of tit for tat tactics deserve their shambolic relationships.

Look, he's being a selfish tool. But why are you surprised. He was a selfish tool when you met and nothing seems to have changed in the interviening period.

He owned up. So what. This doesn't absolve him of any responsibility for his actions. Someone goes to court and pleads guilty you don't let them off. You punish them anyway.

If she knew that you were seeing him when they went on their romantic get away I doubt that she'd want him at her wedding either tbh.

I'd step back from the situation and let him know rationally that going would upset you in the circumstances. If he goes anyway have his bags packed when he gets home.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote: »

Em, yes it is, unless otherwise specified. Like I say... if it was normal or ok, he wouldn't have lied about it, would he?

Its not something you bring up if you're dating someone. If it happened a week before they started dating its unlikely he'd have brought it up either, and there would be no wrong done there either.

I think the OP should cop on and go to the wedding. Could understand to some extent if he wanted to go along alone but he's done the decent thing here.

If the OP doesn't go and forbids him from going shes looking at serious resentment.

Peewee_lane

shellyboo wrote: »

Whatever you do, DO NOT follow this advice. Further lying will not fix the situation.

All I was trying to say was, put the shoe on the other foot. I just got angry at the OP's situation... went over the top.

Unregistered wrote: »

I need a bit of advice. I am asking for honest advice

OP, thats just how I wouldve reacted. However, in my situation which is similar to yours, I was younger and I cried alone, vented it all up and I got really ill because of it all.

Thats why my reaction was so harsh.. because Im still a little angry about my situation too.

Do whatever you think is best, theres plenty of great advice floating round here and I hope it helps.

Loomis

Unregistered wrote: »

Why not? That person didn't do anything wrong.

IMO the BF didn't do anything that wrong either, they were only dating a couple of weeks, he shouldn't have lied fair enough but he didn't cheat on her. OP has forgiven him this so why continue to hold it against him?

Certainly should not be held against a girl who wasn't aware of the situation.

He has a friendship with this girl that has lasted years, I certainly wouldn't consider giving up ANY of my friends for a bf(GF in this case) and if OP has forgiven him she shouldn't either. If not then the issue isn't attending the wedding.

Strange logic to me tbh.
It's arguable whether they were 'together' for it to have been cheating although to me it definitely is cheating 4 weeks together or 4 months or 4 years.
But the fact he lied about where he was going in order to get his ride shows he was deceitful and was covering things up. If he was doing nothing wrong and wasn't in fact cheating then why was he lying and covering it up? That highly implies it was understood neither party had the go-ahead to shag around until they put the magical exclusive title on things.

I'd tell the guy to cop onto himself. Have some decency and think about how you feel and how he'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot. If he insists he's going then he makes the decision for you really. People have argued he chose you over her, debatable since they were in different countries which seemed to be the reason they never properly got together, but in this case it would definitely be a case of him choosing her over you.

tony1kenobi

If I was your boyfriend I'd be concerned that if I brought you to the wedding you'd get drunk as arseholes and embarrass me and my former sexmate in front of all her family and friends.

Not putting ideas in your head of course.

killwill

shellyboo wrote: »

I question your morals, tbh. He most certainly DID cheat on her. He lied to her about where he was going - he knew he was doing something wrong or else he'd have told her the truth. If he'd said "I'm off to France to fcuk another girl" she'd have dumped him. I'd dump him now for lying about it.

Am I missing something? They were dating for 4 weeks. DATING. That is not even exclusive, or am I wrong?

aye

killwill wrote: »

Am I missing something? They were dating for 4 weeks. DATING. That is not even exclusive, or am I wrong?

Cant really put a time on it, its different for each relationship as to when they are 'exclusive' as you put it.
But I think after 4 weeks if I remotely wanted to be still with the person for the foreseeable future, I wouldnt be shagging someone else.

Peewee_lane

killwill wrote: »

Am I missing something? They were dating for 4 weeks. DATING. That is not even exclusive, or am I wrong?

It depends how close they became or how much time they spent together.

Personally, if I started dating someone I would go with it and see where it goes.

Dont know what was stopping him cancelling his sex trip and telling americano that he had met someone else. Maybe he was looking forward to the no strings atitude to the weekend.

The point is Will, he started a relationship with OP and continued on his other with sexbuddy so its cheating in my opinion.

shellyboo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Its not something you bring up if you're dating someone. If it happened a week before they started dating its unlikely he'd have brought it up either, and there would be no wrong done there either.

They weren't together a week before they were dating... they WERE together 4 weeks after they started dating. There is a clear distinction there.

Fcuking someone else IS something you bring up when you're dating someone. It really, really is.

killwill wrote: »

Am I missing something? They were dating for 4 weeks. DATING. That is not even exclusive, or am I wrong?

Seeing anyone, dating or whatever you call it, is exclusive unless you say "Oh by the way, this isn't exclusive."

LegacyUser

I've been seeing someone for five weeks at the minute. Still not sure where/if it's going anywhere. If I'd a trip booked and paid for with a friend with benefits of mine I can tell you I wouldn't be cancelling it. Doesn't mean that guy I'm dating would be out of the picture either though. I wouldn't be telling him about it either,as far as I'm concerned it's none of his business until we make a proper commitment to each other.

ellie1

If I was dating, seeing somebody once a week for four weeks...I wouldnt call him my "boyfriend" nor would I say "I am in a relationship".... thats just me..

The op has obviously accepted what happened and is still with her now boyfriend. The issue is the wedding. The girl(who wasnt at fault) is marrying somebody else and the boyfriend is with her and wants to bring her to the wedding.
The op is hurt and upset by this but i think she should go to the wedding, look fabulous and have a great time with her boyfriend. Although, it may be difficult and if too much so, encourage him to go himself.

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

Fcuking someone else IS something you bring up when you're dating someone. It really, really is.



Seeing anyone, dating or whatever you call it, is exclusive unless you say "Oh by the way, this isn't exclusive."

Sorry but no it's not, definitely not in this day and age. It's not exclusive until both parties decide it is and have a discussion about it.

When you make assumptions like that you end up getting hurt

shellyboo

puglover wrote: »

It's not exclusive until both parties decide it is and have a discussion about it.

I think that's an incredibly immature attitude to have. Tantamount to, "oh well you never SAID it WASN'T ok for me to have sex with your best friend" when everyone knows that would be bad form.

It's pure common courtesy to clear these things with the person you're seeing. If you're so keen on seeing multiple people and you think there's nothing wrong with it then what's wrong with telling the people you are seeing taht that's the case and making sure you're on the same page? If you want to keep your options open, say so. If you want to fcuk your ex one last time, say so. Honesty is the key here.

The point is, he lied. He KNEW he was doing something wrong. Stop defending the fella, he "came clean" about it... even HE thinks he cheated, ffs.

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

I think that's an incredibly immature attitude to have. Tantamount to, "oh well you never SAID it WASN'T ok for me to have sex with your best friend" when everyone knows that would be bad form.

It's pure common courtesy to clear these things with the person you're seeing. If you're so keen on seeing multiple people and you think there's nothing wrong with it then what's wrong with telling the people you are seeing taht that's the case and making sure you're on the same page? If you want to keep your options open, say so. If you want to fcuk your ex one last time, say so. Honesty is the key here.

The point is, he lied. He KNEW he was doing something wrong. Stop defending the fella, he "came clean" about it... even HE thinks he cheated, ffs.

Shellyboo this is the modern world. Lots of people are seeing multiple dates. You don't tell them all of your business & declare undying love for them & renounce all others after a couple of weeks. It's just not done like that anymore.

shellyboo

puglover wrote: »

Shellyboo this is the modern world. Lots of people are seeing multiple dates. You don't tell them all of your business & declare undying love for them & renounce all others after a couple of weeks. It's just not done like that anymore.

Multiple dating is one thing, drinks in a bar and maybe a snog... but sleeping with more than one person at a time without all parties knowing is not on. Modern times or not.

Also, I'm 25 not 90. I'm well aware of the modern world, thanks. I just have respect for my partners to have the same respect for me.

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

Multiple dating is one thing, drinks in a bar and maybe a snog... but sleeping with more than one person at a time without all parties knowing is not on. Modern times or not.

Also, I'm 25 not 90. I'm well aware of the modern world, thanks. I just have respect for my partners to have the same respect for me.

Maybe by your standards, not by all, some would think it's perfectly acceptable as long as you are practicing safe sex. This is why you should not make the assumption that they are operating with your rule book.

This really isn't the issue here anyway. OP is still with BF so has obviously forgiven him for lying/cheating whatever you want to call it. It's healthier for her to leave the past in the past, and not try to control who her bf is friends with, former fb or not.

Peewee_lane

Unregistered wrote: »

I've been seeing someone for five weeks at the minute. Still not sure where/if it's going anywhere. If I'd a trip booked and paid for with a friend with benefits of mine I can tell you I wouldn't be cancelling it. Doesn't mean that guy I'm dating would be out of the picture either though. I wouldn't be telling him about it either,as far as I'm concerned it's none of his business until we make a proper commitment to each other.

I guess thats just the difference between being decent, doing the right thing or, being selfish and having as much cake as you can get.

aye

puglover wrote: »

Maybe by your standards, not by all, some would think it's perfectly acceptable as long as you are practicing safe sex. This is why you should not make the assumption that they are operating with your rule book.

This really isn't the issue here anyway. OP is still with BF so has obviously forgiven him for lying/cheating whatever you want to call it. It's healthier for her to leave the past in the past, and not try to control who her bf is friends with, former fb or not.

The OP herself calls it cheating, so essentially no it wasnt acceptable to her.
The reason the thread verred into whether it was cheating or not is because some think the OP is being harsh as they don't consider it cheating.

The OP considers it cheating, so why would she want to see the girl her BF cheated on her with, wedding or no wedding, old friends or not.

Redpunto

So there are people on here who thinkg its OK to start dating someone yet still sleep around with other people and not tell teh other person - its a modern world??? At what stage in a relationship exactly is it not ok to sleep around??

What a load of crap.

The 2 were dating, he shouldnt have cheated, what he did was wrong and he knew it, he wanted to go off and have some "fun" and still have someone to come home to.

Thinks its best, if this is a committed relationship, for him to cut ties with this women as you cant move on properly unless he does. If you still thought he had communications with her, youd never get over it.

No you should not go to the wedding and neither should he.

If he choses to go, even after you tell him how its making you feel, then hes made his choice and you walk away.

Dont forbid him to go though - he needs to make that choice himself.

starchild

i think the op's boyfriend was without question wrong to go to france and sleep with someone else, even if they were only dating she deserved better than that.

However while i think that act was wrong i am inclined to look at the overall picture, the op's boyfriend booked the holiday at a time when he was single. I would doubt whether either person would have considered that the relationship could have lasted 2 years at this stage. It is entirely possible that the guy here may not have considered him and the op to be an exclusive couple.

I realise that is a highly emotive issue for people and that it varies from person to person, but the critical thing is that it does vary and i think its important for the op to realise this or she could end up thowing away a potentially lifetime relationship

op. i would say i understand your anger but if i were you i would go to the wedding, this girl was a big part of your boyfriends life as a friend not as a partner. I would ask him to meet me on middle ground, that is say go to wedding itself and then head off on holidays yourselves.

LegacyUser

Okay, im the OP here. Can anyone think of a middle ground we can meet on?

I dont agree with what he did to begin with, but I dont want to throw away an otherwise good relationship. I just feel like my feelings are being tossed to the curb.

Is there anything to do so both of us would be happy?

aye

Unregistered wrote: »

Okay, im the OP here. Can anyone think of a middle ground we can meet on?

I dont agree with what he did to begin with, but I dont want to throw away an otherwise good relationship. I just feel like my feelings are being tossed to the curb.

Is there anything to do so both of us would be happy?

Try have a talk with him and tell him why you dont want to go and why you dont want him to go. Explain it in pure english to him, how you feel, how you think being at the wedding would make you feel, and what your reservations about it are.
Do this calmly, dont throw a fit and yell at him or he'll get defensive.
Dont argue with him about what happened, just explain why you'd rather not be at the wedding.

reprazant

When I started going out with my current girlfriend, we saw each other twice in the first 4 weeks. Twice. Where I kissed her once. If I had a holiday booked with somebody that was going to the expense of coming over from America, I would have gone, as would most people.

OP, out of curiousity, how many times had you seen each other in those 4 weeks?

Blue_Wolf

She's getting married and moving on with someone else. You have you boyfriend. He's obviously ok with her getting married which means he has no sexual feelings for her. That's my interpretation although one of the users pointed out that you have a bigger issue on hand which is true.

LegacyUser

During the first 4 weeks we went out about 4 times a week. And he rang or texted everyday. Now by going out I dont mean out to dinner every time. Some of the times we just hung out at my house and watched dvds.

I did find out last night when we were trying to talk that he never told her what happened. And he never told her he was dating me, she found out 4 months later from pictures on facebook he was seeing me. And that his sister and cousin knew all along that he had gone away with her and I was waiting here for him to come back. I am very close to his sister as she is alot older than me, and I kind of expected alot better from her.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote: »

They weren't together a week before they were dating... they WERE together 4 weeks after they started dating. There is a clear distinction there.

Fcuking someone else IS something you bring up when you're dating someone. It really, really is.

Yes Shellyboo that was you know, my point. That's why I said "if it happened..."

You said he knew he did wrong by not mentioning it, I said he wouldn't have mentioned it if it happend a week before they were dating as its just not something you talk about to someone you're dating.

The OP doesn't even seem annoyed about it, I'm guessing she'd still not want to go if he'd ****ed his friend 5 weeks earlier.

Seeing anyone, dating or whatever you call it, is exclusive unless you say "Oh by the way, this isn't exclusive."

What, in the official rules of dating? You can't expect anyone to take this point seriously, its nothing more than a personal opinion.

shellyboo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

What, in the official rules of dating? You can't expect anyone to take this point seriously, its nothing more than a personal opinion.

In the official rules of being a decent human being. Groundrules should be laid down when you're seeing someone so everyone is on the same page.

It would be pretty pointless, however, to say "I'm going out this weekend and I'm NOT going to sleep with anyone else" since you wouldn't be DOING anything.

However, you absolutely cannot deny that sleeping with someone else is something that may or may not be ok with the person you're seeing... in which case, it is common courtesy to tell the person where they stand.

If you feel the need to lie about it, then you're doing something wrong. Good guideline for life.

Bottle_of_Smoke

shellyboo wrote: »

In the official rules of being a decent human being. Groundrules should be laid down when you're seeing someone so everyone is on the same page.

It would be pretty pointless, however, to say "I'm going out this weekend and I'm NOT going to sleep with anyone else" since you wouldn't be DOING anything.

However, you absolutely cannot deny that sleeping with someone else is something that may or may not be ok with the person you're seeing... in which case, it is common courtesy to tell the person where they stand.

If you feel the need to lie about it, then you're doing something wrong. Good guideline for life.

Look at the name of the thread "am I being cruel?" - does that sound like its written by someone who feels they've been cheated on?

shellyboo

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Look at the name of the thread "am I being cruel?" - does that sound like its written by someone who feels they've been cheated on?

Yes, it sounds like some who's been cheated on, has forgiven him, and now wants to know if she's taking her latent resentment out on her bf.

aye

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Look at the name of the thread "am I being cruel?" - does that sound like its written by someone who feels they've been cheated on?

the OP herself calls it cheating in her first Post.

Unregistered wrote: »

During the first 4 weeks we went out about 4 times a week. And he rang or texted everyday. Now by going out I dont mean out to dinner every time. Some of the times we just hung out at my house and watched dvds.

Out together 16 times, ringing and texting everyday, yes sleeping with someone else is cheating.

Unregistered wrote: »

I did find out last night when we were trying to talk that he never told her what happened.

So how did the talk go OP?

Nitxteha

You already gave in too much by accepting the cheating and forgiving him.

BUT, regarding the wedding, I would NOT go to that and would NOT let him go either. Tell him it's you or her. If it's her..poor guy because she's getting married, he would only be her second best (put it to him like that ).

He cannot make you look like a fool like that. If you let him go away with this too, you are going to have more situations like this. Stand up for yourself!