Numb over parents drinking

iguana2005

35 years of age. Travelled the world. Back in the homeland again. Renting lovely house near the beach. My parents are a nightmare.

In their 70's. Hate each other. Mum drank all my life. Has now stopped and now my dad has started - binges at night.

My sister still lives at home - very close to her and she has to put up with them(well she doesnt but not much confidence to move out).

She called the cops last night on my poor dad. He p+++ed himself, fell all over the house and got aggressive. Nothing new as has happened before. He was the best dad growing up. Very hard to watch now. However I noticed while mum was giving out to him I just tuned out - no interest..

Feel there is nothing I can do...best to live my life as best I can however feel very guilty. All my mates dealing with new homes/kids/babies and i'm back worrying over alcoholics again. Cant wait for them to die as will be such a relief. I thank God every day for the life they gave me and am very grateful.

Are these normal feelings?? Anyone else in strife with their parents? Feel bad on mum as she and my sis have to put up with him. He's grand during the day - could not live anywhere else. No money.

username123

Hi Iguana2005,
Your feelings are perfectly 'normal' - everyone who has an alcoholic in their lives deals with it differently, feels diffferently about it - its all ok, they are your feelings, dont feel bad about feeling how you do.

On a practical note, I would strongly advise you go to Alanon. My own father was an alcoholic, much worse than anything your worst imaginings could summon up - it was awful. You seem to be doing an admirable job of detaching and living your own life - thats good - but the worry and guilt is with you. Also - having grown up in an alcoholic home will have given you certain behaviours, ways of thinking, and 'isms' of alcoholism that you may not even be aware of. Even when your parents die those 'isms' will stay with you unless you deal with them. Alanon will help you with all of that - I am a long time member - it saved my life literally.

For your sister - same advice. And also - she needs to change her living arrangements. It may be difficult and money may be an issue, confidence etc... but I promise you, the damage being done to her will take years to unravel and getting out asap is the best option. It sounds like she is the caretaker to a large degree - and probably enabling the situation by cleaning up after incidents etc?

For your fathers drinking - no one can stop him except himself. Your mother has choices too, if she chooses to stay despite the awful situation - then that choice must be respected by you as well - she is no doubt co-dependant on your father and having been an alcoholic herself and he stayed with her may feel some sense of duty to stick by him - plus financial issues etc...

The only person you can really look after is yourself. Beyond being there for your sis (and mum) emotionally, but not to get dragged into useless merry go rounds of talk about the situation that leads nowhere.

Alanon will help with all of that.

You have no need to feel guilty - you are not a bad person for the way you feel. Its ok to feel that way. Both my parents died together in an accident (alcoholic related) and the only emotion I ever felt was relief that the horrible situation was over. I have come to terms with that and settled with it in my own mind through the group support I get at Alanon. I had the guilt for a long time too but had come to terms with that long before they passed on.

I have a sibling who never dealt with the fact that he grew up in an alcoholic home and he suffers mentally for it now, the issues it leaves you with dont go away, you carry them around with you until you deal with them.

Well done for posting, its a ****ty situation and you are quite right - there is nothing you can do - for them - but there is plenty you can do for yourself.

Good luck.

CDfm

sorry for you in your situation - maybe your dad needs help

you mentioned that your dad took over where your mum left off and i have heard of women training husbands as drinking partners (and vice versa) and then the drinking buddy cant stop

i would start by a visit to the GP and speak to her or him - it seems terrible but it can't be nice to live like that for either your parents or sister.

your gp may be able to explain the health risks and even perscripe something

skywards

iguana2005 wrote: »

Cant wait for them to die as will be such a relief. I thank God every day for the life they gave me and am very grateful.

Are these normal feelings??

My dad drank himself to death shortly before he would have turned 51. I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it was for my brother and I.

username123

skywards wrote: »

My dad drank himself to death shortly before he would have turned 51. I cannot even begin to tell you what a relief it was for my brother and I.

I dont even pretend to people who have not experienced alcoholism how relieved I was at my parents death - I would have been just as relieved if one of them had been suffering a horribly painful illness had passed and was no longer suffering.

CDfm

a bit extreme - it would be cool if the OPs Dad could give it up with or without medical help.

Seems an Alanon visit is in order alright.

username123

CDfm wrote: »

a bit extreme - it would be cool if the OPs Dad could give it up with or without medical help.

Its an extreme situation. Speaking from personal experience, if the father is the age he is and at the stage that the OP describes - giving up is unfortunately unlikely, and not something the OP has any control over anyway.

However - my post referred to the OPs feelings on the subject, they are normal given the circumstances IMO.

dreamer_ire

username123 wrote: »

I dont even pretend to people who have not experienced alcoholism how relieved I was at my parents death - I would have been just as relieved if one of them had been suffering a horribly painful illness had passed and was no longer suffering.

That's a great analogy and one that's not often expressed when it comes to alcoholics. Very well said.

iguana2005

thanks for replies - AA and alanon are a no go unfortuntely - had a word with him tody - still denies he has a problem and everything is rosy in the garden. Rollercoaster of emotions - the reality of living with alcoholism.

Very sad seeing parents this way...

The ironic thing is he will probably outlive us all - that alcohol must be preserving his body(was an athlete in an earlier time and jogged every night for years..)

luckat

Iguana, Al Anon is for you, not for your parents - it's for people relating to alcoholics.

I feel for you, dear heart.

CDfm

luckat wrote: »

Iguana, Al Anon is for you, not for your parents - it's for people relating to alcoholics.

I feel for you, dear heart.

yup its no problem OP you need to see your options.

Wagon

iguana2005 wrote: »

thanks for replies - AA and alanon are a no go unfortuntely - had a word with him tody - still denies he has a problem and everything is rosy in the garden. Rollercoaster of emotions - the reality of living with alcoholism.

Very sad seeing parents this way...

The ironic thing is he will probably outlive us all - that alcohol must be preserving his body(was an athlete in an earlier time and jogged every night for years..)

I've found that you can never change someone unless they want to. So leave the old bastard to the bottle and let him carry on like this. I would keep broaching it with your ma though the first step is getting her to admit there's a problem. Then take it from there. Believe me though you will never change your dad directly. I've tried that before with numerous people and every time it was useless.

CDfm

Ah thats not positive.

He was a super Dad and the Mum was the boozy terror so maybe you are being harsh- maybe she is not a darling to live with sober either.

Me I would tell him in one of his remorseful moments that he has to concede that having the cops in on any night is not normal and that nice guy that he is and all that they could start the procedure to have him assessed under the Mental Health Acts if they think he is a danger to himself or others. I dont know if any of the Doctors posting would tell you that but a friend of mine is a cop who is involved in that.

Maybe your Dad is an alcholic or not. I dunno. But AA may not be for him -there is a non drinkers thread.

Anyway -how about having a word with his GP- a solution might be if the GP recommended he attend an alcholol education programme. The HSE run some and they are in the mornings for a day a week. A place I worked in used to do that and had them in its employment handbook. THe boss had reformed and blamed himself for the drink culture.

I wouldnt know where to find links but your GP might or maybe others would.

You would of course need to keep it private between you him and the Doctor.

I am not sure if anyone has pointed out the link between depression and booze and mental health - thats why a GP visit is the business but there may be alternatives.

username123

CDfm wrote: »

He was a super Dad and the Mum was the boozy terror so maybe you are being harsh- maybe she is not a darling to live with sober either.

Thats the horrible thing about active alcoholism - it turns previously super people into monsters. My father was sound, until the bottle got ahold of him, then he became the meanest most rotten bullying prick you can imagine.

CDfm wrote: »

Me I would tell him in one of his remorseful moments that he has to concede that having the cops in on any night is not normal and that nice guy that he is and all that they could start the procedure to have him assessed under the Mental Health Acts if they think he is a danger to himself or others. I dont know if any of the Doctors posting would tell you that but a friend of mine is a cop who is involved in that.

You will not find any cop or doctor to start assessing someone under the Mental Health Acts because they are alcoholic. Believe me I tried for years - it is not against the law to drink and any doctor will be experienced enough to know that unless the alcoholic wants to stop there is no point in trying to make them - you cannot make someone stop drinking.

If the Dad is in denial as the OP described speaking to him in a remorseful moment (if he even has those moments) is likely to send him on an even worse binge because of the guilt trip. Threatening the addiction only sends them further into it. I would not bother with this if I were the OP - it never works.

Its possible a planned intervention with all family members and concerned parties could at least show the Dad that a number of people are concerned and his drinking is affecting large numbers of people - but again, it doesnt work in a lot of cases, and mostly where it does work is in younger people when bosses become involved and they realise they could lose their jobs etc...

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe your Dad is an alcholic or not. I dunno. But AA may not be for him -there is a non drinkers thread.

AA has the statistically highest success rate for 'curing' alcoholism, but if he wont go himself then there is nothing they can do for him - and without support he is unlikely to be strong enough to come off it himself - if he is in enough denial to believe there isnt even a problem then he doesnt even want to stop.

CDfm wrote: »

Anyway -how about having a word with his GP- a solution might be if the GP recommended he attend an alcholol education programme. The HSE run some and they are in the mornings for a day a week. A place I worked in used to do that and had them in its employment handbook. THe boss had reformed and blamed himself for the drink culture.

From experience the GP will only be able to recommend him to AA or offer other support (like a dry out centre etc...which in turn will send him to AA as part of the therapy) - but again, if the old man is in denial none of it will be any use. The HSE do run some alcohol education programmes but they are normally attended in conjunction with other methods (like dry out centres and AA meetings).

CDfm wrote: »

I am not sure if anyone has pointed out the link between depression and booze and mental health - thats why a GP visit is the business but there may be alternatives.

Alcohol related depression is very common, but because the cure is to get off the drink most alcoholics will refuse any real treatment and the meds for depression shouldnt be mixed with alcohol so anti depressants wouldnt be offered in the case of a known alcoholic.

I dont want to knock the medical profession but I just know from experience that there is nothing they can do unless the person actually wants to stop drinking.

The OP needs a way to deal with his own feelings, he is not responsible for getting his Dad off the drink - a huge issue commonly seen in Alanon is that the people affected feel that its their responsibility to stop the drinking - its NOT. What the OP has a responsibility to is himself - he needs to look after himself and allow his Dad to look after his own problems.

Underneath the denial his father KNOWS that he is alcoholic and that he is causing problems, but he uses the denial as a way to avoid dealing with that, because dealing with it would mean quitting the addiction and the addiction is stronger than the person suffering it (which is why AA has the highest success rate - one person alone may not be strong but a group with the same goals are).

OP - Alanon is for YOU - its for people affected by other peoples drinking. You really should go to a meeting. It helps enormously.

CDfm

username123 wrote: »

Thats the horrible thing about active alcoholism - it turns previously super people into monsters. My father was sound, until the bottle got ahold of him

You will not find any cop or doctor to start assessing someone under the Mental Health Acts because they are alcoholic.

Underneath the denial his father KNOWS that he is alcoholic and that he is causing problems, .

I really do sympathise with you.

The OPs Dad is not your Dad. If the OP can stay positive maybe his Dad will consider getting help& I am suggesting that this may be a way to encourage his Dad to consider the possibility that he needs help.

username123

CDfm wrote: »

I really do sympathise with you.

The OPs Dad is not your Dad. If the OP can stay positive maybe his Dad will consider getting help& I am suggesting that this may be a way to encourage his Dad to consider the possibility that he needs help.

The reality is that it is not the OPs responsibility to stop his dad from drinking - that is what he himself will be told if he goes for professional help for his dad. However, all children of alcoholics need professional help for themselves - thats where staying positive will come from, and if the OP (and his sister) learn how to change their behaviours it may well encourage a change in the fathers behaviour.

But the possibility must be considered that this wont happen, and the OP should be prepared for that - and learn how to look after himself despite his fathers drinking.

However - there is always hope. Even if nothing changes for the father, life will change for the OP if he gets help for himself.

CDfm

OP there are some parts of what username says I disagree with- each to his own. I have a relationship i cut off completely from and it really improved my quality of life.

I am just saying that it might be a gentler approach to get the GP to explain that she/he would like them to look at an education programme.So that he might have his eyes open to the possibility.

I was not saying that a person can be hospitalised for drinking and GPs resist attempts from relatives to hospitalise people on lifestyle issues.At some stage drinking can cause mental health problems which may not be treatable given his age. Ask any GP.

A GP visit would clear up too if he does have a depressive illness which contributes to his drinking and if he could be persuaded (or even decieved into believing ) that attending an alcohol education course was recomended for retired men in his situation then it would not be wrong.