Effort to contact an ex?

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 12:18pm #1

Just a quick question, i know the overwhelming advice is to not contact an ex etc.
In this case i am totally over her in terms of feelings but i wanted to drop an email just to catch up and see how she is getting on, we live in separate countries.

Thing is its a week and no reply, fair enough if she doesnt want to talk and all that. But she did the dumping and last i heard (4 months ago now) was in a happy relationship.

Reason im asking this is, she always changed her email address quite often and may have done so again. Given the week without reply, would it be stupid to try ring and just confirm the email address? If she tells me on the phone that she doesnt want any contact i would be fine with it, i only want to see if shes still alive and all thar if you get me.

shellyboo · 18-03-2009 1:20pm

Unregistered wrote: »

i wanted to drop an email just to catch up and see how she is getting on, we live in separate countries.

Don't, basically. And a phone call would be way OTT. If you want to see if she's still alive and ok, ask a mutual friend. Leave the ex be!

Oh The Humanity · 18-03-2009 1:25pm

Yep, leave her alone -seriously especially if she is in a new relationship. The boyfriend wont appreciate you getting in contact, you are putting her in the position of having to entertain your contact which she might not be comfortable with.

cantdecide · 18-03-2009 1:26pm

Add her on facebook??

She won't have to reply in order to tell you FO if that's how she feels...

Despite what people will tell you, I don't feel its an automatic don't-go-there scenario but ask yourself if it's really something you need to do. How long since you broke up??

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 1:50pm

thanks for the advice so far.

I guess i see it a little differently, we broke up about 6 months ago now. Short answer for the reason is that she found someone else and dumped me, longer answer would included the fact that it wasnt really right for either of us.
I just dont see what harm there is in me seeing if shes alive and happy? Fair enough she hasnt responded to the email but there could be a genuine reason eg changed her email. I honestly want nothing more then a catch up and surely if she did the dumping etc it wouldnt bother her much? When we broke up originally she wanted to remain friends and contacted me a fair bit until i said it was best if we cut contact for a while and give me a chance to move on. Now i have done that and just want to catch up and if she tells me that she doesnt want to, thats fair enough and im fine with it.

Kiera · 18-03-2009 2:17pm

Leave her alone. I wouldnt like an ex ringing me if i decided i didnt want to reply to his email. Just forget about her.

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 2:38pm

Leave it another 2 or 3 weeks at least. I wouldn't be that comfortable with an ex I'd dumped contacting me out of blue unless we had already gotten to the 'just friends' stage at last contact. I would always reply but it might take me a while depending on my opinion of them. Not more than a week or 2, though. Not replying is just too ignorant. Just don't kid yourself that you have any hope of rekindling things and if you do ring in say 2 weeks just keep it friendly and absolutely nothing more. And then never call or contact her again unless she initiates it which she probably wont. In other words get out of that phonecall with your pride intact and just explain you were worried when she never replied to what 'was just a friendly email'. And next time dont email someone who dumps you because you are only prolonging the pain and giving yourself the real possibility of more pain if she gets snotty with you. Which she might. Or else think you're a bit sad. Which is just as likely.

cantdecide · 18-03-2009 2:39pm

I don't understand the need for the hostility.

She did the breaking up. The OP doesn't want anything from her. She has moved on. She is living a long way away. He can't be sure she hasn't changed her email. What harm can he do by seeing if she's ok in life?? His intentions are honorable and he won't be the first guy ever to wonder how an important person from his past is. All she can do is ignore him or be told FO.

In fact, the OP has more to lose by her reaction. I would be more concerned about his emotional health as a result of making contact...

Cathmandooo · 18-03-2009 2:58pm

I think every situation is different with ex'es. Some you can be friends with after some time has passed.

I wouldn't go ringing her though, it's a little pushy when you're not sure how things lie, if you really want to then maybe drop her a text to say that you sent an email to whatever address it was and that you were just catching up. Say nothing more. If she has changed her address then she'll let you know, don't ask her anything, she may have ignored your email and doesn't want to speak to you.

If you don't get a responce then leave things be and take it that she doesn't want to talk to you.

Kiera · 18-03-2009 3:00pm

cantdecide wrote: »

I don't understand the need for the hostility.

She did the breaking up. The OP doesn't want anything from her. She has moved on. She is living a long way away. He can't be sure she hasn't changed her email. What harm can he do by seeing if she's ok in life?? His intentions are honorable and he won't be the first guy ever to wonder how an important person from his past is. All she can do is ignore him or be told FO.

In fact, the OP has more to lose by her reaction. I would be more concerned about his emotional health as a result of making contact...

I'd be more concerned with his emotional health for wanting to contact her tbh. Its only been 6 months so leave the poor girl alone and move on.

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 3:07pm

Appreciate the advice all, and thanks Cantdecide!

It seems people have the impression that I am prolonging an ex's hurt etc, but that isnt the case here, I was the one who was dumped and she moved on first and fast. Surely the hurt in that case and now was and is mine? So i dont really understand the telling me to leave it and end of!

All i am saying here is that i want to see how someone who used to mean a great deal to me is doing and i dont think i am the only person to ever get concerned if you dont hear back. Its not unreasonable i dont think. If i wasnt over her i wouldnt contact her at all, only reason i do so now is because i am.

Nevyn · 18-03-2009 3:16pm

Just beacuse a person is the one who called an end to the relationship that doesn't mean
they weren't hurt and aren't still hurting due to some of the things that happened between ye.

If she wanted you in her life she would be in touch with you.
You still care for her or have some facination with her or want to compare and contrast
how her life is going to yours. Just leave the lass be.

shellyboo · 18-03-2009 3:18pm

cantdecide wrote: »

She did the breaking up. The OP doesn't want anything from her. She has moved on.

Exactly. She broke up with him... she's moved on. Two good reasons not to contact her. If she wanted to still be in touch, she would be. So the OP is contacting her for his own benefit alone. So just leave the girl to it.

cantdecide wrote: »

What harm can he do by seeing if she's ok in life??

Plenty of harm, actually. She might hate the OP for all we know, his contacting her might just drag up old pain and heartache and possibly even cause trouble in her new relationship.

But more to the point... what benefit is there for the ex?? None at all. He should just leave her alone.

Wibbs · 18-03-2009 3:37pm

Ask yourself why you're doing it. Is it for simple curiousity? Is it for self centered reasons? Is it because she's just not interested in contacting or replying to you and this irritated you. I work on the principle that if she wanted to be in contact she would be, so I would let it go. Can't see what's to be gained from it, but that's just me. Think both about what you want from it and what she may.

cantdecide · 18-03-2009 3:40pm

He doesn't sound like a stalker or a d***head and there are plenty of people that are probably involved with this topic that have been in contact with exes and it's no big deal. It happens every day. It's happening right now.

So he contacts her through a source that he can be sure will get to her and she doesn't want to talk. She doesn't reply or tells him FO and gets the picture no harm done and he goes away. She won't throw herself under a bus because an annoying ex made contact.

Lets assume for a sec that the OP is a reasonable person. He hasn't complained about a bad break-up. We will assume it was a run of the mill break-up where things didn't work out for her and she broke up with him. I don't how you can all be sure she now needs to be heroically saved from the OP. I don't understand why they must NEVER speak again...

Why is it that it's she must do the first contact. Would she be received in such a hostile way if she asked 'I wonder fow my ex BF is?'

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 3:47pm

My advice would be DONT DO IT. It's a bad idea and is not going to end well. You think you are over her but you may not be, I was in the same position a couple of years ago and contacted an ex and realised I was not over her at all or even close. Chances are if she replies she will either be distant with you (as she doesnt want to hear from you) or will be nice and you will get chatting about old times etc and drag up all the hurt etc. Not a good idea, best not to know imho.

ellie1 · 18-03-2009 3:55pm

I dont think anybody is being hostile, OP. People are offering advice and saying leave it alone. You have intiated contact and she hasnt responded yet. Maybe one day, she will drop you an email and maybe she wont. Its okay to wonder how she is doing and how things are going for her. I would also say leave it now and if anything was wrong (God forbid) know that you were genuinly concerned for her.

Good Luck.

Wibbs · 18-03-2009 3:59pm

cantdecide wrote: »

Why is it that it's she must do the first contact. Would she be received in such a hostile way if she asked 'I wonder fow my ex BF is?'

Well I would say exactly the same thing to a woman posing the same question. Have done in fact on this very forum. He sent an email. Chances are pretty high it's still her email 6 months on, so if she's interested in contact she will contact and if she's not she won't.

cantdecide · 18-03-2009 4:02pm

ellie1 wrote: »

I dont think anybody is being hostile, OP. People are offering advice and saying leave it alone. You have intiated contact and she hasnt responded yet. Maybe one day, she will drop you an email and maybe she wont. Its okay to wonder how she is doing and how things are going for her. I would also say leave it now and if anything was wrong (God forbid) know that you were genuinly concerned for her.

Good Luck.

This is the moderate view I would have. I don't think that she automatically does want to hear from him no more than she automatically doesn't want to hear from him.

It matches my sentiments to the OP but people have said "leave her alone". I think that there's an implied suggestion that he means her harm. 'Leave it alone for now' is not the same advice as leave her alone.

If I received the replies the OP, I'd feel pushed around. He doesn't deserve that for being concerned about an ex...

shellyboo · 18-03-2009 4:06pm

cantdecide wrote: »

It matches my sentiments to the OP but people have said "leave her alone". I think that there's an implied suggestion that he means her harm. 'Leave it alone for now' is not the same advice as leave her alone.

Nobody has said he means her harm, but the vast, vast majority of people do not view an ex getting back in touch as a welcome event. My exes are my exes for a reason... I cut contact with them for a reason. If she wanted to be in touch with him, she would be. They haven't spoken in 6 months... that tells me she doesn't want to be in touch. So leave it, leave her... however you want to phrase it! Just don't call her!

cantdecide · 18-03-2009 4:16pm

Kiera wrote: »

...so leave the poor girl alone...

Thaedydal wrote: »

...Just leave the lass be...

shellyboo wrote: »

...the OP is contacting her for his own benefit alone. So just leave the girl to it....He should just leave her alone....

Plenty of judgmental, and pushy 'advice' there. I would like to think we are civilised enough here to realise that this is an issue to the OP and trying to make him feel bad about being concerned for an ex isn't quite the same as persuading him it's not likely to be a good idea no matter how well intentioned it may be.

Wibbs wrote: »

...Ask yourself why you're doing it...

+1

Nobody being told FO by this...

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 4:26pm

Yeah cantdecide, I don't get this big deal either. Jeez. Leave the lass be? 'Lass' being almost endearing like 'aw god love her, she cheated on him and now has someone else, sure isn't it better to let her get on with it without upsetting the poor girl'. Holy god, if a woman came on here and told the same story there'd be a lot of the old 'that *&%*£$% and good for nothing ^&*^ loser $"%*** doesn't deserve to be !*&! on if ya ask me' going on - And beeping noises if we had sound on boards. lol.

Seriously though, what is the big deal. I broke up with my ex 3 years ago and he contacted me after about a year. It was grand, now I won't lie, it was hard too. But it was great to get a chat again.

And normally Thead - you are on the money but that comment about ' If she wanted you in her life she would be in touch with you' is not true. I wanted my ex back in my life but I didn't contact him. I just thought that he didnt want me in his life so I'd better not contact him. By the time he contacted me it was too little too late - he had a girl 2 months pregnant. He didn't think he should contact me before that happened. So two lovers must forever wander aimlesly through life without their sould mate. Aaawww lol. True enough though, we were made for each other. BUT WE DIDNT CONTACT EACH OTHER!

I don't think anybody should be advising the OP on not contacting his ex. Too many people sit and wonder about their ex and wait until they get in contact. Then time goes by and it becomes to late to spark up a chat. What's the big deal as long as he doesnt annoy her or keep trying to get in contact. Once in 6 months is fine.

Go for it OP - tell us how you get on.

ImustavKlimt · 18-03-2009 8:54pm

This sounds familiar...
After having been together with my bf for 2yrs i didnt want it to end in bitterness i thought we could at least stay friends but he just wanted to throw insult's down the phone,wouldnt even speak civil to me it was awful he made me feel so much guilt it was unbearable.I was sad too that it had to end but we were two very dif people who just grew apart,i never cheated or anything but we had nothing in common anymore.I tried to be as kind as i could,but he was cruel.Ive avoided serious relationships ever since this was 3 yrs ago,im unable to risk such an awful ending again.

Im still open to a relationship..but nothing so heavy.Cannot deal with the stress of all.Its a shame people cant end these things civil at v least.:(

Salome · 18-03-2009 9:43pm

In all honesty, what are his motives in wanting to contact her?

Is he hoping that her life is now a disaster since she ended their relationship?

Is he hoping that she'll have seen the error of her ways and want him back?

I don't believe it's a healthy way of carrying on for him - he was dumped. She got the email. She's just chosen not to respond to it.

She hasn't changed her email, she just doesn't think it's a good thing to get in touch. She doesn't want to rekindle anything. She doesn't want to know how he is.

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh - reality bites.

Nevyn · 18-03-2009 9:49pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Yeah cantdecide, I don't get this big deal either. Jeez. Leave the lass be? 'Lass' being almost endearing like 'aw god love her, she cheated on him and now has someone else, sure isn't it better to let her get on with it without upsetting the poor girl'. Holy god, if a woman came on here and told the same story there'd be a lot of the old 'that *&%*£$% and good for nothing ^&*^ loser $"%*** doesn't deserve to be !*&! on if ya ask me' going on - And beeping noises if we had sound on boards. lol.

Nope if the genders were revered I would say the same.

Unregistered wrote: »

Seriously though, what is the big deal. I broke up with my ex 3 years ago and he contacted me after about a year. It was grand, now I won't lie, it was hard too. But it was great to get a chat again.

I am sure it was but you were over him at that stage your next comments prove that.

Unregistered wrote: »

And normally Thead - you are on the money but that comment about ' If she wanted you in her life she would be in touch with you' is not true. I wanted my ex back in my life but I didn't contact him. I just thought that he didnt want me in his life so I'd better not contact him. By the time he contacted me it was too little too late - he had a girl 2 months pregnant. He didn't think he should contact me before that happened. So two lovers must forever wander aimlesly through life without their sould mate. Aaawww lol. True enough though, we were made for each other. BUT WE DIDNT CONTACT EACH OTHER!

Well then it wasn't meant to be and I hope you heal form the hurt of
what wasn't and what didn't happen.

LegacyUser · 18-03-2009 10:08pm

Thaedydal - Ah no actually. I may have given you the wrong impression. Think I worded the post wrong. He dumped me, I'm not over him actually and yeah - I hope I heal form the hurt of what wasn't and what didn't happen too.

Polleta · 18-03-2009 10:14pm

My ex and I broke up 18 months ago. We have no mutual friends but are connected on facebook. We stayed in touch with an email every now and then for the first few months but then he deleted me/blocked me from his email chat function and at that stage we stopped talking. I took it as a sign he wanted to end chats.

I broke up with him and we also live in different countries. I have been single since we split. About a week ago he left me a random facebook comment followed by an email 12 hours later... I did reply but I wasn't very forthcoming.. I think 4 emails went by before it stopped again.

It's not that I wouldnt want to catch up so much as I've let go of my feelings for him and don't want to get back onto a rollercoaster that it going to end up the same way.

So I would say don't get in touch. You have sent her an email the ball is in her court. If another six months pass by and you haven't heard from her give her a call or something but its confusing hearing from an ex out of the blue no matter what the circumstances..

LegacyUser · 20-03-2009 12:13pm

OP here again.

I do appreciate all the advice here but i have to say i am a little disapointed in the general assumption that if you want to contact an ex that there has to be some kind of ulterior motive. That there has to be something i need etc, like i am rubbing in a new life etc.

Fact is, i dont have anyone else, im single and loving it, she is in a happy relationship and the ONLY reason i wanted to contact her was to see that she was happy and well and indeed alive. Maybe that makes me unique but i doubt it, i honestly see no harm in checking in on someone who meant a great deal to me for over 3 years and i really dislike the attitude that if you do you are somehow a bad guy.

In this case i sent a text simply asking if she was still using the same email, she responded saying no she wasnt that she had changed to a new one etc and she was delighted i had checked in. She had been respecting my wishes to not contact me previously as she did the dumping and i needed the time. So it ended well and believe me i am not intending regular friendship contact as i know as a bf i wouldnt like an ex sniffing around, as i said from the start, all i wanted was the occasional catch up mail etc.

Effort to contact an ex?

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