Bothered by bfs past

LegacyUser

Ive been going out with my bf for 4 months, things going very well but as we were friends before, stuff i know about what he got up to in the past is bothering me. He's not the 'player' or 'dog' type (i dont think!) but was with quite a few girls after he broke up with his ex, casually. he was hooking up with one of his mates for a few months, slept with an ex-colleague after her bday party, then while he was in Cork for a stag do ended up kissing and getting a handjob from a woman who was newly married! this last one especially bothers me, yea i know HE wasnt the married one but its still dodgy morals, imo. and i just dont understand the need to be with so many people - ive never hooked up casually on a regular basis, whats the point? i think sexual contact should largely be special and in a relationship. its just bothering me...

star-pants

Hi OP,

not being gender specific but guys and girls feelings on sex / sexual contact can be on very different levels. Not true across the board but in general. There are women who can separate their feelings & just have casual sex as you say. Men aren't as emotionally attached to it - (they can be with the right person) so it's not that uncommon for a guy to have had a good few encounters.

You need to accept his past or else you won't be able to trust your present and future. Everyone does things, everyone makes mistakes, everyone has differing views. Your bf is with you now, noone else, and you need to trust him. Without trust, there's no point.

gagomes

Well, to be quite frank, it's in our nature to do that kind of stuff. It's not like we are putting a lot of thought into it, it just needs to be done and that doesn't mean it's right by any means. However, I don't know why something from your bf's past is bothering you, do you think he may be getting along with other chicks while you're not around?

And, what about him getting a handjob? If it was a bj, I would understand but a hj is quite a safe in terms of transmission of diseases, so I still see no point about your worries.

Sorry for being slightly blunt..

ronivek

Well; the important question here really is probably whether he was doing this stuff whilst in a supposedly monogamous relationship at the time. Going from your post it seems like this wasn't the case; so really I don't think you should worry about it.

At the end of the day as long as he's loyal to you and respects the boundaries of your relationship then be happy and enjoy.

bubblewrap

If he was single then there isn't a problem, he didn't know little old you was going to be coming along!

To be fair, I don't like my bf's past either but he said back then he wasn't thinking no I won't do this because I will be with my bubblewrap in 5 years time, he didn't know I existed! I can understand why you don't like it though, because you have been told what happened so you can picture it, we just don't need to know these things, everyone has a past but you should keep it in the past when with someone new.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying.

well the thing is, yea he was single, but to me you being single doesn't mean you forget all morals and standards, sleep with whoever including people who are married. i mean, i was single for years and i was still selective about anyone i was with and certainly wasnt with any married fellas. are all men really like this?

Dudess

Why would you think all men might be like this? Because they're all men and your ex is a man? Seriously, look beyond the fact that they all share a penis and consider the individual.

Some men are like this - not all are.

LegacyUser

Why would you think all men might be like this? Because they're all men and your ex is a man?

Because most of the replies suggested this was normal bloke behaviour.

Nervous Wreck

mandsnb wrote: »

Thanks for replying.

well the thing is, yea he was single, but to me you being single doesn't mean you forget all morals and standards, sleep with whoever including people who are married. i mean, i was single for years and i was still selective about anyone i was with and certainly wasnt with any married fellas. are all men really like this?

Since when is it immoral to fcuk around when you're single? What you need to realise is that your morals aren't the black&white rules. Some people believe in some stuff, others believe in other stuff. You're imposing your views onto your boyfriend's previous actions. This doesn't fit because they're YOUR views set against HIS life. Now, the thing with the married woman ain't exactly the soundest thing in the world but it's not exactly his responsibility to tell a married woman what to do. NOT SAYING IT'S SOUND OF HIM TO DO IT!!! But like, fcuk it, we all make mistakes, do things we know we shouldn't. Whatever. It's in the (say it with me) passsssssssst. Just try remember that all this happened pre-you. It doesn't speak anything of your relationship and tbh, it doesn't even speak much of his character. He was young and having fun in his own way. Get over it and get back to having a fun relationship.

/blunt.

LegacyUser

mandsnb wrote: »

Thanks for replying.

well the thing is, yea he was single, but to me you being single doesn't mean you forget all morals and standards, sleep with whoever including people who are married. i mean, i was single for years and i was still selective about anyone i was with and certainly wasnt with any married fellas. are all men really like this?

No, not all us men are like this. Im extremely selective about who I would kiss let alone sleep with and im not big headed in the slightest but I guess im lucky in that I dont have to work hard for the female attention! Id also believe myself to have a decent enough character to never be with a married girl or somebody I knew was in a relationship. Saying this though I think men with this view point are few and far between. I can only think of one aother guy in my group of friends who would be this way too, most wouldnt give a f*ck who or what they were with to be honest!!!

What I find is that when I get with somebody I judge them on my own morals and what I deem acceptable and its almost as tough to find a girl who hasnt had her one night stands etc so its horses for courses I suppose. I guess as many people have said its in his past and he never even knew you existed and lads just do stupid things when they are younger sometimes!

AARRRGH

Your boyfriend's past has made him the man he is now. Also, he is entitled to live his life whatever way he wants to live it.

So, I would be of the opinion the problem lies entirely with your current way of thinking, rather than with anything he has done.

Considering you cannot change the past, and considering you are not benefiting whatsoever from your current way of thinking, it makes sense to try to accept his past and move on.

jim o doom

OP - I wouldnt even narrow this down to sexes. Some men and women are like you and only want sex with a special partner.. however just as many and more men & plenty of women (whom I know personally) - like to sow their wild oats and sleep with different people while they are young before they settle down.

look at this in a positive light; perhaps he has done all the sowing of wild oats needed and you are now the settle down as an adult person!

Dragan

mandsnb wrote: »

Ive been going out with my bf for 4 months, things going very well but as we were friends before, stuff i know about what he got up to in the past is bothering me. He's not the 'player' or 'dog' type (i dont think!) but was with quite a few girls after he broke up with his ex, casually. he was hooking up with one of his mates for a few months, slept with an ex-colleague after her bday party, then while he was in Cork for a stag do ended up kissing and getting a handjob from a woman who was newly married! this last one especially bothers me, yea i know HE wasnt the married one but its still dodgy morals, imo. and i just dont understand the need to be with so many people - ive never hooked up casually on a regular basis, whats the point? i think sexual contact should largely be special and in a relationship. its just bothering me...

Don't make the mistake of applying your code of conduct around sex to your boyfriend, especially with regard to what you do outside of a relationship. It's the surest way to drive a wedge between the two of you, having some issue that doesn't really have a resolution.

You either like your fella or you don't, he treats you well or he doesn't. The things he did before you came along shouldn't really matter as long as you treat each other well and are happy.

LegacyUser

but don't a persons actions reveal their character? i mean yes to some extent, people can do what they want, but arent some things just immoral? I mean what if we all went around getting with newlyweds or whatever. to me its just something you dont do and im disappointed that he did it...