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Short poem

  • 17-03-2009 1:56pm
    #1
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭


    Hi. Haven't posted in a long time. I wrote this poem following a conversation I had with someone the other night. I wrote it in a very short space of time without editing nearly at all.

    Maybe it could be improved, let me know what you think



    Talk of the deer again


    Talk of the deer again,
    The one you held gaze at the end of a gun.
    Did it sense your scent and attempt to dart?
    After the bang did it move or breathe a while?
    Eyes lay half full or empty would you say?

    Fair game you say. ‘I prefer the taste’
    And I don’t know of the other way either.
    At least it’s purpose was it’s own;
    Up to that point anyway.
    And all those other poor beasts
    Solely born to be killed in their prime

    That deer is dead a while,
    But wasn’t it female you said?
    Now I wonder of it’s calves
    Are they fed?
    Do they bleat and cry
    Only to be failed.
    Poor dear, a prize in your truck
    And failure at your hands


Comments

  • #2
    raah!
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,629 ✭✭✭raah!


    I like the poem!

    I don't know what this line "and I don't know of the other way either" means though, perhaps you could explain.


  • #3
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭McFiddler


    raah! wrote: »
    I like the poem!

    I don't know what this line "and I don't know of the other way either" means though, perhaps you could explain.

    This line is referring to the meat industry as apposed to wild game. I was trying to give the impression that the subject feels the manufacturing of meat is more perverse than hunting. I knew this line was vague but thought it effective


  • #4
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,738 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    Baby deer are called fawn, 'held gaze' dpesn't mean anything and you've mixed up it's and its several times. 'Solely born' is odd, try switching the word order. The seventh and last lines don't really read right either.


  • #5
    McFiddler
    Closed Accounts Posts: 69 ✭✭McFiddler


    pickarooney wrote: »
    Baby deer are called fawn,

    "Now I wonder of its fawn" ......... You're right of course, I think it works better as well. Thanks.
    pickarooney wrote: »
    'held gaze' dpesn't mean anything
    I'm going to lean on the poetic license argument on this one. Do you not agree that the line sounds ok?
    pickarooney wrote: »
    'Solely born' is odd, try switching the word order
    ..... Again I agree with you on this. 'Born solely' works a lot better, I wish I spotted that myself. Thanks a lot.
    pickarooney wrote: »
    The seventh and last lines don't really read right either
    ....... I know what you mean. However after much consideration I thought that the lines work well as a conclusion. The fact that they don't 'fit in' makes them stand out. I felt that this gave gravity to the fate of the deer.

    It's and Its.... Stupid stupid stupid... Sorry I'm going to put this down to carelessness.

    Thanks again pickarooney for your criticism and suggestions. Much appreciated.


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