Need Advice on 3some's Please.

blathnaid21

My husband and I have decided to have an open relationship and thats all great and everything but one min i want it to be all about us and throw the open relationship crap out the window and the next i want it.I have a boyfriend now and its all great and honest and open with my husband but he started to ask me if i wanted a 3some and i'm not sure.he asked if i was into having 2 guys and me or 2 girls and him.now i wouldn't go for the 2 guys and me stuff coz it'd be weird like i dunno but thats what i think but 2 girls and him mite be fun and in some way i'm not sure so i dunno what to do really.Does any1 have any advice for me on any of this please?
Also I love my husband so much that i'd die 4 him so we know each other inside and out and we trust each other and we honest to each other and say everything to each other no matter if its good or bad we say it because where theres real love deep down inside, theres also trust deep down inside.
Also having sex 2gether is real love but having sex with other people, thats just sex and nothing more 2 it so we'll never ever break up. we just have more spice to our life and having more fun is all and besides life meant to be fun and not done by any rules or whatever. enjoy life to the full they say.
anyway anyone's advice would be greatful.

seanybiker

Imo open relationships are not relationships at all. Ye only think it is. Best of luck staying with your "husband" for the rest of your natural.

blathnaid21

seanybiker wrote: »

Imo open relationships are not relationships at all. Ye only think it is. Best of luck staying with your "husband" for the rest of your natural.

whats "Imo" Mean?sorry. Tell me your advice so if you want to.

antiskeptic

blathnaid21 wrote: »

My husband and I have decided to have an open relationship and thats all great and everything but one min i want it to be all about us and throw the open relationship crap out the window and the next i want it.I have a boyfriend now and its all great and honest and open with my husband but he started to ask me if i wanted a 3some and i'm not sure.he asked if i was into having 2 guys and me or 2 girls and him.now i wouldn't go for the 2 guys and me stuff coz it'd be weird like i dunno but thats what i think but 2 girls and him mite be fun and in some way i'm not sure so i dunno what to do really.Does any1 have any advice for me on any of this please?
Also I love my husband so much that i'd die 4 him so we know each other inside and out and we trust each other and we honest to each other and say everything to each other no matter if its good or bad we say it because where theres real love deep down inside, theres also trust deep down inside.
Also having sex 2gether is real love but having sex with other people, thats just sex and nothing more 2 it so we'll never ever break up. we just have more spice to our life and having more fun is all and besides life meant to be fun and not done by any rules or whatever. enjoy life to the full they say.
anyway anyone's advice would be greatful.

Not so much advice as a prediction? He'll come looking for more. More stuff that you currently wouldn't dream of doing.





A wild guess of mine: these words below aren't really your words... they're his words which have been fed to you in order that you believe this lie:

Also having sex 2gether is real love but having sex with other people, thats just sex and nothing more 2 it so we'll never ever break up. we just have more spice to our life and having more fun is all and besides life meant to be fun and not done by any rules or whatever. enjoy life to the full they say.

A man who loves a woman wouldn't share her with anyone else. His greatest delight would be her and her alone. If he wants to share her then there's something up. I should know, I wouldn't dream of sharing my beloved with anyone.

Black Swan

Threesomes? Sounds spicy, but you won't catch me in one. I focus completely and totally on my partner, to where we achieve loving oneness, and expect the same from him. Adding a third person would be an unneeded distraction, taking away from that total experience with someone.

antiskeptic

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Huh?

I thought so too. Women don't decide for these things.


Or so I'm told.

heybaby

Just wandered in here but read your query regarding threesomes, my advice is dont do it. You will feel cheap and worthless afterwards. If your husband cared at all, you wouldnt be in an open relationship, you'd be in a committed marriage and working on it. Ok I'll leave now.

seanybiker

blathnaid21 wrote: »

whats "Imo" Mean?sorry. Tell me your advice so if you want to.

imo just means in my opinion.
As someonsd else said if ye love each other why would ye want to share each other with other people.
Personally I wouldnt be into a threesome. I dont want anybody touching me lack except me.
By all means do it if you want but I can only see heartache.

Peared

Best way to enjoy threesomes is to be the third person and not part of the couple.

Emotional involvement = sad you at some stage.

who007

I've suggested 3somes with some girlfriends.. but only the ones I wasn't really into or where the spark had died and I couldn't see us going anywhere. The ones I really loved - not a chance in hell would I want a 3rd person - male or female - joining in. Not a snowball's chance!

As far as advice goes.. I don't know what to say - Would teh idea of your hubby having sex with another woman without your involvement bother you? Cos if it did I don't see how you could be part of the 3some without at some point not being the active one and having to watch while it's just him and her. Would watching the pleasure on his face while he orgasms inside someone else be something you would enjoy? If so then I'd say you would be fine having the 3some. If not, then I doubt you do really love him. I'd guess (and I am only guessing) you're more proud of just having a relationship with him than anything deeper.

Joey the lips

Peared wrote: »

Best way to enjoy threesomes is to be the third person and not part of the couple.

Emotional involvement = sad you at some stage.

Best quote yet.! Could not have said it better!

Its serious emotional baggage for you both and to believe that your husband deeply loves you and is hammering away on a women right next to you must produce very strange feeling.

But if you have no kids, no links why not but be very sure you want this cause I imagine there would be no going back.

Altough you say you dont like it. Push for 2 men first this might reveal a little more than you think!

additionally if you like the thoughts of a women do you have lesbian fantasy if so brilliant go for it and enjoy

But dont imagine there will be no emotional baggage to deal with!

Needless to say Protection is a must! or you'll have better fun proving who the father is



The thoughts of it all. I'll take the one women missionary anyday!

cantdecide

Apparently not a blokey thing to say but I'd never go near a threesome with anyone I actually cared about...

The Orb

Stop looking for outside advice and face reality, your marriage is in trouble and neither of you wants to admit it...no normal man would even countenance the idea of his wife with another man, and vice versa, open relationship means "I'm a bit bored with you and want my jollies with someone else", you don't have a marriage, you are friends with benefits.

Miss Fluff

My husband and I have decided to have an open relationship and thats all great and everything but one min i want it to be all about us and throw the open relationship crap out the window and the next i want it.

So you're not really sure what you want OP. Perfectly understandable.

I have a boyfriend now and its all great and honest and open with my husband

Were there issues before you agreed to an open relationship? I take it he also now has a girlfriend OP?

but he started to ask me if i wanted a 3some and i'm not sure.

Again, perfectly understandable.

he asked if i was into having 2 guys and me or 2 girls and him.

So that's his way of saying that in fact HE wants a 3some.

now i wouldn't go for the 2 guys and me stuff coz it'd be weird like i dunno but thats what i think but 2 girls and him mite be fun and in some way i'm not sure so i dunno what to do really.

So once again he's putting pressure on you.

Also I love my husband so much that i'd die 4 him

So if you'd die for him, would I be right in surmising that you will also give in to any of his demands just to keep him by your side?

so we know each other inside and out and we trust each other and we honest to each other and say everything to each other no matter if its good or bad we say it because where theres real love deep down inside, theres also trust deep down inside.

If there is such trust, why the concern about a 3some?

Also having sex 2gether is real love but having sex with other people, thats just sex and nothing more 2 it so we'll never ever break up. we just have more spice to our life and having more fun is all and besides life meant to be fun and not done by any rules or whatever. enjoy life to the full they say.

Would I be right in saying that this is what your husband has said verbatim?

From reading the above OP, it doesn't sound like you are overly happy or comfortable with your situation right now. It sounds to be that your husband keeps raising the bar and in your desperation to keep him you are being compliant.

As someone earlier pointed out, 3somes are normally most enjoyable for the
3rd wheel, where they are not committed or tied in any way to either partner.

Seems like your husband is having his cake and eating it and tbh I think you're heading for a slipperly slope here. Call me old fashioned but if REALLY loved you and cared about you, he'd be physically sick at the thought of you doing it with anyone else.

Salome

Why bother being married? Threesomes are for people who are bored with their current partner and don't care much about them.

Your marriage is in trouble here, why bother staying in it if you both want to be with other people??

faith3

i'm obviously in the minority here, but i actually think monogamy is a choice, only a default by culture / society. i certainly dont see it as something that is "natural" for everybody. obviously open relationships are going to be tricky things, but all relationships are complex. i also think all consenting adults should be free to explore their sexuality without being judged by others.

my advice would be, if you can communicate well and honestly with your partner, and vice-versa, and you can clearly keep your other lovers distinct from your own relationship, and you both really want to have some fun exploring your sexuality, then by all means feel free.

as an aside, i know more women who can make multipule partners and open relationships work, who truely desire it, and who can keep a clear mental division between sex and love, than men. i also have seen many marriages and conventional relationships fail horribly because of unrealised desires for other experiences.

Gyalist

OP, if you have access to the Sex & Sexuality forum you'd be better off asking your questions there. What you're likely to get here is a lot of judgmental responses from people who can't seem to conceive that there are other relationship models that work quite satisfactorily for the participants.

Salome

Gyalist wrote: »

OP, if you have access to the Sex & Sexuality forum you'd be better off asking your questions there. What you're likely to get here is a lot of judgmental responses from people who can't seem to conceive that there are other relationship models that work quite satisfactorily for the participants.

Personally, I'm not being judgmental - I don't care if people have threesomes every night of the week quite frankly - people can do whatever they like in the privacy of their own relationships - I know I do. I think if the OP was comfortable with the idea, she wouldn't be looking for advice on a forum like this.

I know that monogamy is not for everyone but I think polyogamy becomes very complicated when emotions, rather than sex, takes over and this is my concern. Someone might get very hurt and my guess is, it will be the OP and not her hubby.

Nevyn

Please note the addition to the charter which states no one is to tell anyone else
that they are not in a 'relationship' due to it differing from their own.

Nevyn

Salome wrote: »

Why bother being married? Threesomes are for people who are bored with their current partner and don't care much about them.

I completely disagree.

Salome wrote: »

Your marriage is in trouble here, why bother staying in it if you both want to be with other people??

Who said it is in trouble ?
The idea is to be with another person while you are with your partner
not being separately with another person.

Salome wrote: »

Personally, I'm not being judgmental

I think you are.

Salome wrote: »

I think if the OP was comfortable with the idea, she wouldn't be looking for advice on a forum like this.

I would not assume that is the case.
I think that the op is being wise and exploring and trying to learn as much
as possible on this topic including insight and advice from those who have
experienced such things.

Salome wrote: »

I know that monogamy is not for everyone but I think polyogamy becomes very complicated when emotions, rather than sex, takes over and this is my concern.

the op has not said that they are as a couple looking to form additional relationships, thus far it's sex only. Yes taking the step to have a 3some can bring up all sorts of mental and emotional responses and it is best to
try and figure them out before hand.

Salome wrote: »

Someone might get very hurt and my guess is, it will be the OP and not her hubby.

There is no way to know that at this juncture.

Silverfish

Thaedydal wrote: »

the op has not said that they are as a couple looking to form additional relationships, thus far it's sex only. Yes taking the step to have a 3some can bring up all sorts of mental and emotional responses and it is best to
try and figure them out before hand.



There is no way to know that at this juncture.

She sortof has, where she said she now has a boyfriend and is having sex with him, her husband is now looking for them to have threesomes in addition to this.

(this is my reading of the OP, could be wrong)

Nevyn

I meant additional to the ones she already has

blathnaid21 wrote: »

My husband and I have decided to have an open relationship and thats all great and everything but one min i want it to be all about us and throw the open relationship crap out the window and the next i want it.

Well you do need to decide what it is you want and for what reasons you want it.

blathnaid21 wrote: »

I have a boyfriend now and its all great and honest and open with my husband but he started to ask me if i wanted a 3some and i'm not sure.he asked if i was into having 2 guys and me or 2 girls and him.

There is a big difference between an open relationship where you have more
then one person in your life and you interactions with them are 1 to 1 and a 3some. Very differnt kettle of fish and emotions and interactions.

blathnaid21 wrote: »

now i wouldn't go for the 2 guys and me stuff coz it'd be weird like i dunno but thats what i think but 2 girls and him mite be fun and in some way i'm not sure so i dunno what to do really.Does any1 have any advice for me on any of this please?

Well at least your personal preference of not having a MMF 3some rules
out your husband and boyfriend crossing swords.

I think you need to figure out how you feel about a MFF 3some with your husband and talk to him about it and the fantasy and the reality, the planning what the rules would be, it could well be that you can not agree
a set of rules and compromises and so it may never happen.

And you need to talk to you bf about you taking part in that as well and
what his feelings an wishes are and what compromises you need to make
for his sake and your relationship with you.

blathnaid21 wrote: »

Also I love my husband so much that i'd die 4 him so we know each other inside and out and we trust each other and we honest to each other and say everything to each other no matter if its good or bad we say it because where theres real love deep down inside, theres also trust deep down inside.
Also having sex 2gether is real love but having sex with other people, thats just sex and nothing more 2 it so we'll never ever break up. we just have more spice to our life and having more fun is all and besides life meant to be fun and not done by any rules or whatever. enjoy life to the full they say.
anyway anyone's advice would be greatful.

It does seem that you think you have a good, solid and strong relationship
with your husband and are living life as you see fit and sorting out your own rules.

I would suggest you get a copy of this book if you can
http://www.amazon.com/Open-Love-Sex-Life-Marriage/dp/1580052754/ref=pd_sim_b_4
and read this also http://twinoaks.org/members-exmembers/members/paxus/openhand.html

calahans

It sounds to me like you are being told all this is great by your partner. If sex is wonderful with him why go elsewhere? Could he be manipulating you? I would imagine that opening relationship, in most cases, is the first step towards ending it.

You say that life should be free and not based on rules, but swinging and threesomes are not the norm, not because of rules but moral conventions which help people to enjoy healthy stable relationships.

BarnhallBull

Why bother being married? Threesomes are for people who are bored with their current partner and don't care much about them.

While my personal view would be the same as yours, everyone views sex in different ways. For me, sex is extremely personal and special, and should be reserved for someone you really love, but I think i'm in the minority with that view.
As for threesomes, again I wouldn't be interested myself, but who's to say that another person's attitude towards them is wrong? If you're both comfortable with it then it could well be the most wonderful experience either of you has ever had. If you're not comfortable with it, then it will most likely lead to problems.

Although you have an open relationship OP, I get the impression that you're not entirely happy with a threesome. The idea sounds great to you, but you're worried about the consequences. So, I offer the usual advice, think long and hard about it, talk to your husband and go from there.
Most imprtantly, if you do decide you're not comfortable with it, don't do it, you'll only regret it

shellyboo

BarnhallBull wrote: »

While my personal view would be the same as yours, everyone views sex in different ways. For me, sex is extremely personal and special, and should be reserved for someone you really love, but I think i'm in the minority with that view.
As for threesomes, again I wouldn't be interested myself, but who's to say that another person's attitude towards them is wrong? If you're both comfortable with it then it could well be the most wonderful experience either of you has ever had. If you're not comfortable with it, then it will most likely lead to problems.

Although you have an open relationship OP, I get the impression that you're not entirely happy with a threesome. The idea sounds great to you, but you're worried about the consequences. So, I offer the usual advice, think long and hard about it, talk to your husband and go from there.
Most imprtantly, if you do decide you're not comfortable with it, don't do it, you'll only regret it

Great post - a shining example of how to give someone advice that's contrary to your own personal opinions without dismissing their lifestyle entirely

I'd agree with the above, and what Thaed said... an open relationships and group sex do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. It's ok for you to be ok with multiple partners, but not ok with having a threesome - which, by the sounds of it, you're not really.

Express these concerns to your husband, and don't be afraid to say no. His reaction will tell you a lot... if he has a problem with you laying down boundaries, then now might be the time to rethink the open relationship idea.