Paranoia

LegacyUser

Does anyone else other than me, suffer from paranoia when it comes to your partner? Not saying anything is going on but I am always scared it just might be, or will in the future.

Other than this, our relationship is ticking on nicely, my jealousy and worry is resulting in my fiance becoming very frustrated and I am concerned about what it is doing to our relationship. We have been together just over a year, he said he doesn't want to cheat on me, he has no intention of doing so but I can't get it out of my mind that he could meet someone else.

If he has to nip out somewhere to meet a friend or collect something for work, I automatically assume he has gone to meet a girl, everytime his phone beeps or rings, I ask who it is. I used to check his phone but am doing ok now and walking away from it if I find myself wanting to look.

I don't know why I look, if he had something to hide and had any common sense, he would delete it so I don't exactly know why I do it.

How can I stop these negative thought patterns?

consultech

These types of thoughts are exponential/snowball-like in nature. The more that you accept yourself (and I see you are not fully) doing these things, the worse it will get. You need to test yourself, send him out on a night out with the lads, whatever. This type of behaviour is one of the largest causes of breakups, so it needs to be sorted. Get yourself through this and you will see it's not that bad, and that he can be trusted.

Why do you feel like this? Has he ever done anything that would make you jump to these conclusions? Or is it rooted in your own history, potentially a previous partner, or your family life growing up?

This type of toxic paranoia unfortunately is also self-fulfilling, so you need to get past it for the sake of the relationship. If you try and stop something happening so much, and "taboo" it to the extent you are - and I'm not saying your partner would - but the curiosity for "just what am I missing out on?" has gotten the btter of many a man in the same situation.

Have you spoken to him about it? (I presume you have). If so, it can be damaging to continually raise the same issues, when he did nothing to deserve it. Bottom line, if you think he is going to cheat you can't stop him, only deal with it if it ever happened. Why not just try enjoy the here and now? As I said though, continually testing yourself by putting yourself in situations that demand your trust in him will make you all the stronger, while proving to him that you fully trust him, and that he has no reason to stray.

LegacyUser

Hello consultech. He hasn't actually done anything I don't think, but I look into situations that make me believe he has. It really is easy to be faithful (in my opinion) but I am of the belief that men simply cannot stay faithful (I know that may raise a few tempers but that is how I have been 'brought up' relationship wise).

I seem to believe that I am not enough for him and he wants something else to fill whatever he is missing. I know I am being stupid, he loves me to bits. At this moment in time, he is arranging a weekend away for me for my birthday and this is how I repay him??

It makes me sad that I am hurting him, he gets so annoyed that I don't trust him. I want to, I really do but it is getting past the mental barrier that I am having problems with.

consultech

See original reply, tbh...

Whatever this "bringing up" was relationship-wise, it obviously consists of one or more mis-representative experiences when it comes to men. I get the impression that you have a lot of insecurities, and that they aren't being helped by the shame spiral you're sending yourself into over this. It really doesn't need to be this complicated though. Most guys are as insecure as you seem to be about things like this, because acts of indiscretion in females tend to mean that much more than a drunken shag etc. This is infintely more hurtful; that your partner would choose someone else over you, as a person, rather than just a physical attraction. It is different for everyone though.

As I said; test yourself. Prove to him (and more importantly yourself) that you're capable unclipping the leash. I will say this though: If you send him on a night out with mates etc; NO crying phonecalls/hysterics telling him you need him to come home when he's out. This will do a lot more damage than any pre-event arguments or worrying.

John Mason

You need to get professional help

Kiera

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

You need to get professional help

Not at all. She's just needs to chill out and stop looking for problems that arent there. She said it herself that she's being stupid and workign herself up. All she needs to do is stop worring about it and keep these silly unfounded thoughts out of her head.

OP its a horrible feeling knowing that your OH doesnt trust you (i've been there). Please for the sake of your relationship try ignore these thoughts. He hasnt done anything to suggest he is untrustworthy. You will push him away if you keep this up.

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

You need to get professional help

What? Like a plumber or something? That's a bit extreme IMHO. Yes she's twitchy and this recurring thought pattern is getting to her, but at this stage she sees it for what it is, so should be able to attenuate it to a more healthy level without going down the shrink route just yet.

LegacyUser

Sounds like a plan, sending him out but would that really help because I think I would be encouraging something to happen. You know what people are like when they are out and drunk, things happen. He may regret it but it could still happen and I wouldn't feel comfortable pushing him out the door to potentially do it.

I am very insecure within myself but even if I wasn't - things still happen don't they? I hate the fact that cheating is so common, it is so uncalled for, why does it have to happen? I wouldn't dream of cheating.

Joey the lips

Hi Dear

You do not need help your just in love and are afraid of your feelings being upset. Just try relax I know its better said so try. Bear in mind what you have now at this moment is lovely and most importantly enjoy it.

Bath together/Shower together/Breakfast in bed together do all the things that help you enjoy each other

Then give each other a little space.

What has happened to you is your insecurity has creaped in. Supress it and enjoy what you have.

Hope I am not to lovie dovie for you. Bye!

bubblewrap

I am in the same predicament, yours doesn't sound as severe as mine, think I am the one needing professional help, not you!

My take on it is, you will have these thoughts, it is what you do with them that count. You could try to ignore them as much as possible and keep your doubts to yourself, OR you could try to ignore the thoughts but keep nagging at your bf like I do and cause a load of crap.

I am working on myself, I have had a few relapses but when I do it, I try to make it lighthearted rather than get upset, then I can make myself realise I am being silly.

Don't think I could try the night out thing, not yet anyway, it is hard enough when he goes of his own accord but I do agree that you have to face it to get over it rather than living in fear of it happening because that is what I do, I am trying though.

When you get the thoughts, tell yourself to shut up and find something else to occupy your mind/time.

I am thinking of joining a gym to keep me busy and to also give him space.

Kiera

ginger cat wrote: »

Sounds like a plan, sending him out but would that really help because I think I would be encouraging something to happen. You know what people are like when they are out and drunk, things happen. He may regret it but it could still happen and I wouldn't feel comfortable pushing him out the door to potentially do it.

I am very insecure within myself but even if I wasn't - things still happen don't they? I hate the fact that cheating is so common, it is so uncalled for, why does it have to happen? I wouldn't dream of cheating.

Look at it this way: He must be MAD about you if you're engaged after a year. He obviously see's great qualities in you that makes him want to spend the rest of his life with you.

DO NOT send your boyfriend out to test him. That is an awful thing to do and to be honest if you feel you need to trick him like that then he deserves better.

Far more people are faithful than you are giving them credit for. Not everyone cheats.

consultech

Joey the lips wrote: »

Hope I am not to lovie dovie for you. Bye!

I wouldn't say too lovie dovie; more rife with simply awful advice, steeped in idealistic complete issue-avoidance.

your just in love and are afraid of your feelings being upset.

Bath together/Shower together/Breakfast in bed together do all the things that help you enjoy each other"

Are you for real? OP is clearly in need of some help and displaying potentially seriously damaging trust issues. No amount of "baths" or "breakfast in bed" (laugh out loud-ridiculous) are going to remedy these issues.

Supress it and enjoy what you have.

Again, are you serious? Pro-active much? Not.

Bear in mind what you have now at this moment is lovely and most importantly enjoy it

Again, WTF? She's clearly unable to enjoy it, and what she has is not lovely, she's going through hell because of it.

This issue needs to be met head-on, through pro-active discussion with your partner, and continual small steps to self-improvement. Not the ridiculous, insultingly-flowery advice bandied about above. TBH.


By the way Kiera: I'm not suggesting OP sends her OH out to "Test him". I'm not suggesting organising a boys night out for him, packin a bag for him with vodka, lube and $1 bills or anythin like that. I'm talking about OP testing herself, by not protesting plans he makes of his own accord (as per a functional/adult relationship). The more she embraces the personal challenge of him being out, the closer she will get to the point she needs to be at.

Kiera

consultech wrote: »

By the way Kiera: I'm not suggesting OP sends her OH out to "Test him". I'm not suggesting organising a boys night out for him, packin a bag for him with vodka, lube and $1 bills or anythin like that. I'm talking about OP testing herself, by not protesting plans he makes of his own accord (as per a functional/adult relationship). The more she embraces the personal challenge of him being out, the closer she will get to the point she needs to be at.

No no i know you werent but i got the impression that the OP saw it like that.

Joey the lips

Hi G Apologies if my answer seems stupid as suggested by the disection above. I wish you all the best I do still believe you will sort it if you cam down a little.

All the best

Kiera

Joey the lips wrote: »

Hi Kiera Apologies if my answer seems stupid as suggested by the disection above. I wish you all the best I do still believe you will sort it if you cam down a little.

All the best

Eh?

Think you got the name wrong there

LegacyUser

hi i am in the same position as you are
you are not the only one .hope that helps a bit.

LegacyUser

Hiya, thanks guys for your help - I know everyone has insecurities whether they show them or not but I don't think I am at the point where I need professional help...when we are getting on, I feel fine - it is only me causing arguments that makes me feel even more insecure so if I try to ignore it and stop putting questions to him, he will react in a better way and we will get on.

Nervous Wreck

I wouldn't try to ignore it if I were you. As consultech has already said, you need to meet this problem head on. Rather than ignoring it and letting it resurface later in the relationship, you should work at getting over it step by step... I think ctech's idea of letting your OH go out with the lads is a good one... Because, well that's what people do... They go out with their friends and they have a few drinks. And if you can't get past the idea of 'letting' your OH out of the house, it will eventually turn into something you'll need to see a shrink for.... But start small. One night out ain't gonna kill you. Your OH sounds like a nice guy from the way you've described him (albeit vague). Sounds like he really cares about you... Give it a shot!