Breakup Advice

jamieh

Hi all,

My girlfriend ended things with me last Thursday.

I'm really not dealing with it very well....i've talked bout it, spent time with family and friends, tried to get out and about, etc.

I just can't get her out of my head....stuff we had planned, everywhere I look there's memories etc etc.

Just feel empty - trying to put on a brave face but hurting inside.

Does anyone have any advice?

puglover

Sorry to hear that Jamieh, it's going to take longer than a couple of days I'm afraid. I will get easier however and getting out & spending time with family/friends is the best thing you can do.

I know it's such a cliché but time is a great healer

Mr. Frost

jamieh wrote: »

Hi all,

My girlfriend ended things with me last Thursday.

I'm really not dealing with it very well....i've talked bout it, spent time with family and friends, tried to get out and about, etc.

I just can't get her out of my head....stuff we had planned, everywhere I look there's memories etc etc.

Just feel empty - trying to put on a brave face but hurting inside.

Does anyone have any advice?

Only on Thursday? It's Monday dude, you're not going to get over it anytime soon so accept that. But you've right idea in going out etc..just keep busy and do something with your time. Get more involved in your hobbies and interests. In time you'll feel better - think about that too.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain. Im in the process of a somewhat messy breakup, which I suppose will shelter me from some of the "cut-off" symptoms you will be going through (i.e. it was more mutual than your's sounds)

How long was this relationship? What are your core reasons for being upset? Did you see it coming?

Unfortunately, no matter amicable and mutual breakups are, there is inevitably always one party that is left "short-changed". Dealing with the process is very much a state of mind thing. You probably don't want to cheapen yourself or your moral position but I would get out there. The saying is cliche but nothing gets you over the last one like the next one.

Obviously give yourself time to reflect and emotionally bridge this period in your life, but there is nothing stopping you going out and directing your thought and energy towards someone else, if not for a little while. I am not condoning "using" anyone to get over your relationship however, as this can become self-destructive and cyclical.

Focus on the positive of this breakup, everything happens for a reason, and it is MUCH better happening now than 5 years down the line when you both ended up resenting staying with each other (as inevtiably happens if it's not meant to be).

Get out there!

Dagon

I'm in the same situation myself. We had a three week break, and then we met up and finished things last Saturday. It was amicable, and we both agreed it was for the best...

But sadly we still both agreed that we still also love and care for each other very much, and still had the magical "spark" right up until the end - this is what made breaking up soooo hard! It would have been easier if we had fought, not got on or one of us had don't something horrible...or if we had lost the spark, or the love. But that really wasn't the case...

It was just burying small issues all along, and it started to eat away at our relationship. Lack of comminication and mounting insecurities, and unfulfilled needs on both sides. Even though many needs were met in the relationship, we both agreed that some of the most essential ones were not filled and we don't know if they could ever be. And it was affecting my gf very badly, so I think the relationship became very toxic for both of us - we had to finish...still saying "I love you"... it tore me apart. But I think we both could have ended up in bad shape if we had stayed together.

I was in bits all Sunday...crying. But got out there with friends that evening, and I let people know what was going on with me. People were sensitive and nice to me, and also made me laugh and that has helped me to see there is a good life ahead of me. laughter is the best tonic sometimes.

I just need to stop thinking about all the good times we've had, because it's a killer. We are apart because we are meant to be apart - it wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I hope you heal and start to feel better soon. It's not easy and I actually feel like someone close to me has died... need to clear out the photos on my phone and old txt messages... it's really a killer but time will heal, I have faith in myself and my ability to bounce back.

Don't ever lose your faith in life.

TURRICAN

Dagon wrote: »

I'm in the same situation myself. We had a three week break, and then we met up and finished things last Saturday. It was amicable, and we both agreed it was for the best...

But sadly we still both agreed that we still also love and care for each other very much, and still had the magical "spark" right up until the end - this is what made breaking up soooo hard! It would have been easier if we had fought, not got on or one of us had don't something horrible...or if we had lost the spark, or the love. But that really wasn't the case...

It was just burying small issues all along, and it started to eat away at our relationship. Lack of comminication and mounting insecurities, and unfulfilled needs on both sides. Even though many needs were met in the relationship, we both agreed that some of the most essential ones were not filled and we don't know if they could ever be. And it was affecting my gf very badly, so I think the relationship became very toxic for both of us - we had to finish...still saying "I love you"... it tore me apart. But I think we both could have ended up in bad shape if we had stayed together.

I was in bits all Sunday...crying. But got out there with friends that evening, and I let people know what was going on with me. People were sensitive and nice to me, and also made me laugh and that has helped me to see there is a good life ahead of me. laughter is the best tonic sometimes.

I just need to stop thinking about all the good times we've had, because it's a killer. We are apart because we are meant to be apart - it wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I hope you heal and start to feel better soon. It's not easy and I actually feel like someone close to me has died... need to clear out the photos on my phone and old txt messages... it's really a killer but time will heal, I have faith in myself and my ability to bounce back.

Don't ever lose your faith in life.

i have alump in my throat from your post.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I went through this about 6 months ago and posted a PI, and something that really helped me, as odd as it sounds, is knowing that so many others went through the exact same thing.

Everything that you've described, I had, as have many others. I still get those same feelings, when I hear music she liked or that reminds me of her, when I look at places we've been, things we've done, it used to kill me. Nowadays, I just tell myself to stop thinking about her, tell myself that she's out of my life, she's in the past, so it's pointless thinking about it. Just move on and focus on what makes me happy instead of what makes me miserable.

What you're going through now, I and many others HAVE been through before, so many others have felt what you're feeling now, and come out the other side just fine. As will you.

In 6 months, maybe you'll reply to a PI saying this to someone else who's going through it, telling them how heartbroken you were, but now you're fine!

unhappycamper

TimeOnMyHands wrote: »

Unfortunately, no matter amicable and mutual breakups are, there is inevitably always one party that is left "short-changed".

This is the truth right there :rolleyes: You see if you are a good guy and you have done all you can possibly do even if that means letting go and respecting your girlfriends decision to break up it still doesn't change what facts you must face. The relationship has ended and you are not simply okay with the break up. I am 7 months out of a 3 year relationship with a lovely girl and if I can tell you one thing it's this, do not blame yourself. You and your x partner do not want you OP feeling ashamed of yourself. I put myself through that and it is not a pleasent experience. I taught that by being cool and giving space and respecting my x girlfriends decision to break up that somehow she would come back. She didn't, she started to move on and what sucked the most was my mates saying ' I met so and so last week in such a place' ....

I have to say do not rush into any relationship like I did, what a bad move.

When you were in this relationship OP was there ever a time when you just bumped into a girl and taught to yourself for a split second 'oh my god' and your jaw hit the floor and you taught 'jesus that girl right there is the type of girl I have always dreamed about, my dream girl' because if you did like I did then like other posters mentioned there is someone else for you that is more like you and attracted to you for who you are, you see OP it's all about you and I mean that in a very positive way.

Let her go, sulk, see if there is a chance of make up but do start to move on. Get your **** together and start again but give it some time. My x's **** is all over my place.

couerdelion

Hi OP

People will tell you it gets easier with and you'll think they're talking rubbish and in general they are. I split with a girl a good few years ago as her family were against me and she could not cope with it. We met up to split and I told her that she would never get over me unless she really wanted to end it, she still dumped me. For a long time she was in my head in a fair few circumstances. Songs on the radio, memories of places visited together, smell of certain perfumes... I guess I was the one who was short-changed in that relationship and I never got closure so I was still pining for her.

Slowly though I did get over her and have been happily married now for over a year. I'm still in contact, although I broke contact for a few years to make it easier, and we chat online regularly but I don't feel anything for her anymore. I've got my life and she's got hers. She did admit recently that I was still the only one for her and she was wrong to break it up, but after this long I just smiled to myslef and thought 'Your loss'! I'm in a better place now and there's no turning back time. C'est la vie.

unhappycamper

couerdelion wrote: »

I never got closure so I was still pining for her.

Thats a good statement. Closure is mega important OP, I didnt get much closure other than 'no not for me anymore yada yada see ya around'. Then you are left wondering whats the beef can all those feelings just disappear like that after 3 years!

MIN2511

Hey bud, you never told me you were in a relationship.... Jeez, where did we go wrong?

I am so sorry you are hurt, life can be unfair sometimes... Just keep pulling through, do you wanna come down today? We could go to the parade and hang out...

I'ld give you a buzz when i wake up, sorry hon... Really sorry

Dagon

Just an update; each day I'm feeling a little better. I've surrounded myself with friends and family as much as possible after the break, and it has helped so much. I'm not saying there is no more pain - there is, and stuff keeps reminding me of her, even weird things like smells and duvet covers...

It has also become clear that she was doing me no good, and she was never going to change her ways. My life would have deteriorated more and more. There was a huge fundamental difference between us, and all of the positive stuff couldn't make up for that difference. Now I realise we've done the right thing and I feel I'm on track to lead a much better, simpler and happier life without her. I know I will meet someone amazing someday, and when I do, I know it will answer all of the nagging questions and doubts I've had when I was in my troubled relationship. Things will make a lot more sense, and I know there is something much better out there, and a much happier way of living for me. I'm also spending all of my mental energy focusing on all of the wonderful things I have in my life, and feeling gratitude more than ever for it all. There is an abundance of amazing things in this life to spend our time on and enjoy, why focus on what you don't have?

I just hope she can move on the same way, because I still care about her so much and I know she's probably in a much worse place than me right now, she is not very stable emotionally or mentally. It's also hard because trying to help her will probably bring her more pain, I can only wish and pray for her to come out of this safely, and I have faith that she will.

thegame

Dagon i am in the same situation,its so hard,but i have friends and family around me,dont sit around and think that is worse.thats what upset me the most.