I don't know what to do - she slept with someone else

LegacyUser

would like some honest opinions

Am married 5 years,OH is from France.No Children.
we split up last October.
She said that we had no plans for the future(we were renting & houses where she wanted to live are expensive)
she said i should have been more of a companion...that i wasnt interested in visiting her family in france,that she was tired visiting them without me
more important she said she had feelings for a guy at work,said he was single,really understood her
anyway,we parted,i was devastated,she spent some weeks in france.i sent her lots of emails telling her how much she meant & how much I loved her
am a quiet person,dont say too much,bought my wife jewellery,clothes,cooked everyday for her, etc..she got on well with my family,friends
didnt go out as much as she didnt drink,hated pubs,she is a vegetarian so she wasnt gone on restaurants.
i trusted her alot,very loyal to her, did so many things for her,was so good to her family,presents etc...

anyway,met her in february,she was in tears,said she made huge mistakes,alot of regrets etc..emails stunned her,she knew i loved her but never knew how much,typical irish man
we talked alot,mostly me supporting her,becuase i love her so much it broke my heart to see her suffer
did lots of things to help her since that time we met
she told me she slept with the guy from work....the ross/rachel...we were on a break,i said nothing,told her not to worry
I asked her if she wanted to come back & she agreed,not immediately.sensible

thing is,i love her very much,but cant get the thought of her with that other guy out of my head
i cry at night thinking about this but I love her so much...i dont want this hanging over our future together
we havent talked about this other guy...but at some stage its going to surface...this is tough...any thoughts please?

Jimmy Bottlehead

I think you need to talk it out and see why she did it. Fact is though, she was with him and you cannot undo that. Nor can she, no matter how bad you two want to.

The past is done, and all you have left is the present and the future. Basically, if you can't accept this, you need to let her go. Decide if you would rather face up to this and keep her, or accept it hurts too much and find somebody else.

There's no right decision - only the one that is right for you. The ball is in your court though, man. She went out on that bridge, knowing that there might be no return.

There is the possibility that you could sleep with somebody else, to even things up. If it set things right in your head, then I'd say do it. She can't really complain as she was with somebody else too.

What you think?

af_thefragile

You've gotta decide it for once and for all if you can accept it, put it behind you, move on and live with it or if its gonna be a thought that'll keep haunting you all the time you're gonna be with her.
If its the later, i'ld say the best thing to do (for both of ye's own good) is to forget her and move on. No point in being with someone who's past keeps constantly haunting you from time to time.


I really loved my ex too. Then we had to end our relationship quite abruptly although we both still loved eachother a lot (or thats what she said) but then after the end she started dating this friend of hers (her explanation was to take her mind of me, sorta like a rebound), she said she still loved me and was only with him cuz he was a nice guy. Well, to cut it short, she ended up sleeping with him (which was probably kinda inevitable) and after that it became a little too much for me to take and so i told her to go away for once and for all. Since then i've barely had any contact with her. She's not a part of my life anymore.

Now i know my story is more of just a teenage relationship but maybe it could help you in a way... Just to let you know i kinda know what it feels like when you love someone but they've gone too far away from you or become something else that you can't accept them anymore.

LegacyUser

Hey OP
I think I know how you're feeling. I was in a similar situation. I wasn't told that my - not wife - but long-term girlfriend (of 6 years) had slept with someone else. but I found out. When I asked her, she admitted it. At the time, we had broken up as a tester (but both agreed not to complicate things by seeing other people).
When we got back together, everything was great - until I found out. She didn't want to talk about it; nor did I. But - I couldnt get it out of my head. It was driving me nuts - I was actually picturing them together in my head. I wanted to know everything - exactly what they did, where they did it etc. Nuts, I know. Every time we had an argument - even a stupid argument - it was the first thing that came into my head. I'd throw it at her constantly.
In short, we couldnt get over it (or I couldnt, anyway). After about 3 months, I decided to leave her - I knew it couldnt work.
Sorry I cant be more positive. But I think you need to decide for yourself whether this is something you can eventually overcome. If it starts to affect the whole relationship (like it did with me), then it might be better to bring things to a close. But really think about it.

vorbis

To be blunt OP, it looks like she came back to you because things didn't work out with the other guy. The other issue which I'm sure is circling in your mind is whether your wife was actually with the other guy while ye were still together. Personally, I wouldn't be able to get back together with her. She's ruined the trust in the relationship. But its up to you.

An Fear Aniar

Ye were on a break, seems fair enough. Think about it this way, it's you she came back to. Give it another go, see how it goes. What's the worst that can happen? But you need to be more assertive and communicate better.

.

Pyr0

An Fear Aniar wrote: »

Ye were on a break, seems fair enough

This is the thing that gets me every time. It's not the deed that bothers people, it's the fact that it's somebody they really care about getting intimate with someone else so soon. So what if it was a break, is he supposed to just say "Ah sure, it was a break, s'all good" and not be bothered by it at all ?

Mmmm_Lemony

Agree. Don't thinks its a case of 'fair enough' at all. Break or no break, a bond has been threatened in the relationship.

Also JimmyBottlehead is right. You have to decide whether you want to deal with it, as in put it behind you, or let her go.

Dealing with it means talking about it...And only you and her can do that

Letting her go means exactly that. I wouldn't advise sending emails back and forth if you can avoid it, try and make a clean break from it.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

we havent talked about this other guy...but at some stage its going to surface...this is tough...any thoughts please?

That's head wrecking stuff and she has treated you badly imo.
It would be no harm to talk to a professional, perhaps they can help you learn to deal with it so it does not consume your every waking thought.
Bon chance.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies
I love her to bits,i know she is feeling so guilty & has so many regrets..
we both cant change anything about the past
I reckon there is no point sitting in the coner feeling sorry for myself,lifes too short
guess it will affect her more as she'll have to live with what shes done..
this is a real test but I hope I can be the stronger person....for both of us

Loomis

An Fear Aniar wrote: »

Ye were on a break, seems fair enough. Think about it this way, it's you she came back to. Give it another go, see how it goes. What's the worst that can happen? But you need to be more assertive and communicate better.

.

On a break and agreed not to see other people. Quite a difference.

The trust would be gone for me and I'd never be able to stop picturing them together.

starchild

its clear that you gave a lot to this relationship but for whatever reasons this was not enough and she was unhappy enough to leave, these reasons coupled with the attention from the guy in work probably gave her the courage to make a break

she has obviously gone through a bad time and it may be that she genuinely misses you and wants you back, i think its right that you both take time before committing fully to this relationship again, you need to figure out what went wrong or before you know it you both will end up repeating the same pattern over and over

re the guy she slept with, i know its tough but to her credit she is not hiding anything from you, it was always going to happen if he was part of the reason she left, perhaps it was a simple thing like he paid her more attention than you did

the important thing here is that if you want this relationship to work you must accept that she slept with him and move on, if in months to come you throw this back at her your relationship is doomed, hopefully he will prove to be the cataylst that allows you both to take a fresh approach to your relationship where nothing is hidden and problems are talked out with a view to staying together instead of one party running away from whatever issues arise

chancer_007

agree with what most of starchild said.
you need to find out why she was unhappy, maybe there was something else.
dont lose heart, and keep talking to her.
dont throw anything back in her face as both of you need to move forward & leave the baggage behind.

Joey the lips

My gut instinct is She slep with this other guy realised its not all roses in the other garden and now see's what you had to offer! Thats blunt! but its how I see it. Turn this to your advantage. She realsises how good you are.

But on the other side. What have you got to loose. You possibly feel she has been unfaithful but you had nothing it was tech over. If you had been asking me from the start I would not have got in touch with her for ages.

Try put it out of your mind, start again you have nothing to loose really. I appreciate you love her and are torn by it but you have 2 real choices. Give it a go or tell her to leave. I dont think you want her to leave really

Wagon

An Fear Aniar wrote: »

Ye were on a break, seems fair enough.

Bit of a cop out this one. It was far from fair. Imagine a girlfriend who you were nuts about went and shagged some lad from work a few weeks after you split up. Not a nice thought.

OP, bottom line is that if you can't talk this out with her and be prepared to put it behind you forever, then there's no point. It'll keep ppping up in your head and things will go sour. you will also eventually resent her for it. All very understandable if I'm honest.

but if you feel you can put it behind and not let it eat you up for too long then try again.:)