Life after ex is killing me

LegacyUser

(Note for mods, I post this as I know my ex and her friends don't use boards.ie)

This is a long one, and needs to be told so people can understand, so please bare with me.

After Christmas I walked out on the ex after 13+ years, and still can't cope with her games.

First of all we had about 10 years of a good/solid relationship, going through the mill with multiple birth losses, being the worst times, and enjoying holidays and life together, having good jobs etc being the best.

Then about four years ago she unexpectantly became pregnant, and then life started to become miserable for me. During the pregnancy she had to spend alot of time in hospital, and I had to do extra work to keep us going, like any normal person would do. Whilst having to do this and spend time in hospital I started to feel the strain, but kept going. She started to get cranky, which was okay as she was having a rough time in hospital, but it got worse, she quit work totally, even though she was on leave. Her family gave me the worst abuse, and she backed them up, but I kept motoring on. We had row after row, but I just put up with it, as I felt that I had to.

Then comes the birth, I was on tenterhooks, as having gone through the worst before, and didn't know what to expect this time around, which didn't help when I get a call from her mother during the night, and expects the worse, but no it was brilliant news she had a baby via cesarean, I was over the moon, but this got worse.

The cesarean was planned without me knowing, so that I wouldn't be there for the birth, and if this wasn't that bad our baby had to spend a bit of time in hospital, as she had an illness. Her family took over here, and I couldn't do anything without them interferring, causing trouble etc as they knew everthing, and this is the same family she moved away from.

When our daughter left hospital after months there she moved to her parents, after I had made all the usual arrangements at home for the baby, which really p*ssed me off, and put a big strain on the relationship. After a while she 'told' me that I had to take the baby from her on a Friday til Sunday everyweek, eventhough I was doing 70 hours aweek to keep her afloat. I agreed to this and I was still bankrolling her to the hilt, and it was killing me, for atleast a year I went almost without decent sleep, while she barely looked after our baby.

Then we came to an agreement that we'd live together again, and share responsibilities properly. This was good and after awhile things were looking up, we spent good time together doing the usual couple thing, whilst caring for our daughter, which was great, and we got engaged etc.

Then about a year ago she moved into our daughters room, stating she wanted time as she thinks she doesn't love me anymore, and started to work again at weekends(the most important couple time). I put this down to some sort of depression, and I did everything possible to help. Anyway with our daughter going to creche, in the day she was at leisure most of the day, and missing at the weekends, either going out with the girls, and then working to stay away from the house.

It comes to Christmas last and I find out there is a five figure some on my credit card, from things bought by her, then I find out she has been claiming for our child whilst I have been killing myself working, even in these hard times. I made the decision straight after the holidays that I'd walk away and l moved back home with the 'folks' til I got my life back on track(hopefully).

Since January, I've been taking our daughter overnight at the weekends, still making sure shes got money etc. Now shes giving out saying I don't contact my daughter during the week(I stopped recently) as she makes it really difficult for me when I'm there. Then dictates what times I bring her back at, and looking for more money. I know she hasn't got time for our daughter, but won't admit to it. Anyway a few weeks ago I was in the house and there were still photos up of us during the 'happy times', which I thought was wierd as she doesn't love me anymore. Then last week I goes down and she has her engagement ring on, which really freaked me out, as I don't know what shes up to, and can hardly ask why shes doing.

Since February I have been in contact with some women, and have had some distastrous dates, which I'm putting down to her being in my mind, and when I'm out I just can't get through it, I seem to say silly things, and give really bad impression of myself, which does no good. Like last night I went out with a corker of a girl, really pretty etc, as we've been in touch for a while and getting on great, but I seemed to f**k it up, and she doesn't want to carry on. I really want to get on but find shes still controlling my head, even though I feel I hate her. I'm sorry I know its a strong word but, I do, and I can't go on.

I just wanna see what people think, and thank in advance of thoughts, or suggestions, and I apologise again for the long one.

Joey the lips

This is a hard one to post on. I think you just need time and space. All relationships go through a bad patch. I find a little space help you evaluate if its love, lust or going through the motions.

Just sort out access on the kids and give your o/h time

The best of luck sorry I can be of more help.

Faith

Firstly, I definitely think it's too soon for you to start dating other women. You're just out of a 13 year relationship. You need more than a couple of months to move on.

Secondly, if you're so concerned that your ex is not being the best parent she could be, could you apply for custody of the child? I honestly have no idea of the legal situation given that you weren't married though.

Finally, stop bankrolling her. You need to give her money for the child, yes, but not for her.

If she turned around and said that she made a mistake, that she had post-natal depression, that she still loved you and wanted you to come home, what would you do?

themadchef

First of all, and im not being smart here, there are three ways to look at every relationship: The way you see it, the way she sees it.....and the way it actually is.
You've both been through Hell with the loss of your unborn children, both suffered no doubt in different ways. Is it possible that counselling might help? Did you try it?

I know you think it's over and honestly given that you're only just after splitting up it's way too soon to even consider dating. You need to heal, lick your wounds, try to find some way forward as a co parents of the child... if you feel you have exhausted every other option.

Would you not think to try counselling? Even suggest it? Most importantly, i konw you say you "hate her" but hate and love are two sides of the same coin... is it possible that you still love her but are just so frustrated at the situation that you are pouring all your energy into "hating".

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
sorry you're going through it..it's painful I know. Went through the same thing with exH over the years(are you sure they're not related LOL).
I had to go to a counsellor to help me to see that he was never going to work at the marriage...I did all the work in the relationship.I even went back to him and had another baby with him, it took me years to see that I deserved better.
I think you might benefit from counselling just to get support. I have great family but it takes a professional to help with the emotions.

As for the dating I am separated longer than you and only now dipping my toe in. When you're used to having a spouse (no matter who dysfunctional it was) it is very tempting to just get into another relationship out of loneliness. They say wait about 9months after a long relationship to start meeting new people. Otherwise you are not healed, and it's unfair on the new person.
Also I asked my ex to go to counselling, he refused so I went by myself..if your wife won't go to counselling then you will have your answer right there.
Take care of you. You will get through it.

MJOR

I think you are suffering with lonliness. To be perfectly frank you deserve to be with someone that loves you back. This woman sounds like she is not in love with you. You have to do best for what is best for you and your child.

You need to take time apart and relax. I think that in all fairness a bit of time alone will do you the world of good. Stop giving her excessive amounts of cash, of course you need to provide for your child but not for her

Check out a spot of professional help too. We can all do with someone to talk to

Miss Fluff

+1 to what Faith said. Forget about dating for a while, you are just out of a thirteen year relationship and are not in the frame of mind to start seeing people again. Take some time out to get your head together.

I'd also talk to a solicitor re your rights and custody etc.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,
sorry you're going through it..it's painful I know. Went through the same thing with exH over the years(are you sure they're not related LOL).
I had to go to a counsellor to help me to see that he was never going to work at the marriage...I did all the work in the relationship.I even went back to him and had another baby with him, it took me years to see that I deserved better.
I think you might benefit from counselling just to get support. I have great family but it takes a professional to help with the emotions.

As for the dating I am separated longer than you and only now dipping my toe in. When you're used to having a spouse (no matter who dysfunctional it was) it is very tempting to just get into another relationship out of loneliness. They say wait about 9months after a long relationship to start meeting new people. Otherwise you are not healed, and it's unfair on the new person.
Also I asked my ex to go to counselling, he refused so I went by myself..if your wife won't go to counselling then you will have your answer right there.
Take care of you. You will get through it.

OP Here- I probably didn't get some of this across, but about two years ago I went to see someone regarding my feelings, and thought I was sorted. Then also by me giving her time I thought it would help, but it didn't. BTW we're not married, we were to be soon, but I already knew this wouldn't happen. Also I know I'm not in love with her now, and haven't been since last year, as we were only working on the relationship thing, but she had no interest. This is why I wanted to go, and get on with my life, but the problem is she still plays games, ie photos, the ring, buying things when she tells me shes no money, btw I only give her enough for the child, the social have told me not to give her anymore, as she'll get deducted. They say anything over €60 will be deducted from her book, but I still give her €100. But that will change when I start using the bank to pay her.

She says I have to take our daughter every weekend so she can work, but I'm working all week trying to pay off that CC bill, rent, maintenance, car etc on not a massive wage, when she gets €200+ book, €100 from me, €150 from work, thats €550 for rent of less than €50, bills, child, cheap subsidised creche, and she says she has no money.

I also know I'm ready to see others, but most of the women I've met have atleast one child, and we seem to just talk about crap regarding our pasts. Its hard at early thirties, when most out there have kids, so what do i do, I don't mind kids, but there is always history, which seems to ruin the moment. Just like the last girl, we'd been messaging/talking for ages, getting on great, and when we went out, it was crap, we just looked at eachother, not knowing what to say, its not love of the ex in the way its just issues. I can't lie to a woman I meet, can I, as they'll have to know stuff at some stage.

Anyway thanks to you and the other posters for you're input, just wish there were women out there who (a) don't care I have a child, as i don't if they do (b) don't care that I've been in a long term relationship, as most feel it could have been me at fault, as men 'probably' cause most of these things (c) weary of men in general.

LegacyUser

Faith wrote: »

Firstly, I definitely think it's too soon for you to start dating other women. You're just out of a 13 year relationship. You need more than a couple of months to move on.

I have been out of love for over a year now, and feel I want to move forward, its just her games.

Faith wrote: »

Secondly, if you're so concerned that your ex is not being the best parent she could be, could you apply for custody of the child? I honestly have no idea of the legal situation given that you weren't married though.

I'm not in a position at the moment, but I think she just needs to take on her responsibilities.

Faith wrote: »

Finally, stop bankrolling her. You need to give her money for the child, yes, but not for her.

If she turned around and said that she made a mistake, that she had post-natal depression, that she still loved you and wanted you to come home, what would you do?

I have stopped, I just give the basic. I wouldn't have her, she made her point clearly, and she said before Christmas, shes definitly doesn't want me, so I gave up the fight.

LegacyUser

OP here - Just a general post of thanks here, Its good to see women here with neutral comments, I was expecting a lashing of sorts. I should have made my point clearer, but thought I typed enough.