Girl in the office

LegacyUser

Hiya, I've got some trouble with a friend in the office.

I'll try to keep it brief! Basically me and this girl have been friends for +2 years, we've got similar interests and all that, and we're chatting away all the time in the office. Anyhow, I think she was flirting with me a wee bit in the past, e.g. she sent me texts like "I'm alone in my bed, will you come?". I didn't take it too seriously to be honest, she's got a boyfriend and all that.

Anyhow, we sent her over to a client in the middle east , right before christmas. Things came to a bit of a head back then, our customers pay millions for what we sell, so they tend to be quite demanding. It was her first time going over to a customer as the most senior representative, so she was understandably quite nervous.

She rang me the, the night before the first day she was about to meet the customer, she was close to a nervous breakdown, so i offered to fly over there the day after and help her out. Then she tells me she's been fancying me for a while, and she'd have a very hard time staying just friends with me, if i were to fly over there.

I decide to not go, I tell her that I have no desire to wreck the relationship with her boyfriend, we can talk about that later on if she turns single. She did very well on her own with the customer by the way (I knew that she would) . When returning, she rings me from the airport on christmas eve, asking me if I want her to spend christmas with me. I felt like a right idiot afterwards, cause i was spending christmas eve alone this year.. but I told her no - i'm not going to spend christmas with someone's girlfriend.

During the last couple of months, she kept sending me flirty texts, after a while I got a bit annoyed and told her to have some respect for her boyfriend (who by all accounts is very nice), and stop fcuking about with me. Her boyfriend and her parents think i'm the dogs bollix by the way e.g. her parents keep inviting me over for dinner, her boyfriend doesnt mind her talking to me for hours during evenings.

I tried to stay friends with her after that, but she's downright nasty sometimes nowadays. She's cancelled the holiday plans we made ( me + her + her boyfriend + a girl I know) She tells me that i'm totally unattractive to both her and her friends (which is fair enough if a girl thinks that, but telling a friend that to his face is a bit out of order I think). Also she says i'm not a guy to be trusted, so she doesnt want me to meet her single female friends anyhow, because she says i'm supposedly too good at talking to women. Which makes no sense, as she's known me long enough to know that i don't cheat on whomever i'm seeing. Also, i'm waaaay too straightforward with any women that i like, i'm sort of the opposite of smooth

I really want things to go back to how they were before, or failing that, having a semblance of professional relationship. But she makes it difficult, if i don't talk to her for a day or two, i get a text "have i done something wrong?".

I do like her as a woman by the way, I find her very attractive in many ways. At times I feel like i'm in love with her, which doesnt make too much sense. Yea I know i sound a bit confused. Any advice on figuring this out would be helpful.

who007

I'm GOBSMACKED. I knew a woman once who was only even a tenth as manipulative as the one you describe. Not mentally stable at all. I cut her completely out of my life. Yet this one is 10 times worse and you worry about how she treats and thinks of you? Why? If you can honestly answer that then I think you will come to the right decision about this mess.

Duckjob

Unregistered wrote: »

Hiya, I've got some trouble with a friend in the office.

I'll try to keep it brief! Basically me and this girl have been friends for +2 years, we've got similar interests and all that, and we're chatting away all the time in the office. Anyhow, I think she was flirting with me a wee bit in the past, e.g. she sent me texts like "I'm alone in my bed, will you come?". I didn't take it too seriously to be honest, she's got a boyfriend and all that.

Anyhow, we sent her over to a client in the middle east , right before christmas. Things came to a bit of a head back then, our customers pay millions for what we sell, so they tend to be quite demanding. It was her first time going over to a customer as the most senior representative, so she was understandably quite nervous.

She rang me the, the night before the first day she was about to meet the customer, she was close to a nervous breakdown, so i offered to fly over there the day after and help her out. Then she tells me she's been fancying me for a while, and she'd have a very hard time staying just friends with me, if i were to fly over there.

I decide to not go, I tell her that I have no desire to wreck the relationship with her boyfriend, we can talk about that later on if she turns single. She did very well on her own with the customer by the way (I knew that she would) . When returning, she rings me from the airport on christmas eve, asking me if I want her to spend christmas with me. I felt like a right idiot afterwards, cause i was spending christmas eve alone this year.. but I told her no - i'm not going to spend christmas with someone's girlfriend.

During the last couple of months, she kept sending me flirty texts, after a while I got a bit annoyed and told her to have some respect for her boyfriend (who by all accounts is very nice), and stop fcuking about with me. Her boyfriend and her parents think i'm the dogs bollix by the way e.g. her parents keep inviting me over for dinner, her boyfriend doesnt mind her talking to me for hours during evenings.

I tried to stay friends with her after that, but she's downright nasty sometimes nowadays. She's cancelled the holiday plans we made ( me + her + her boyfriend + a girl I know) She tells me that i'm totally unattractive to both her and her friends (which is fair enough if a girl thinks that, but telling a friend that to his face is a bit out of order I think). Also she says i'm not a guy to be trusted, so she doesnt want me to meet her single female friends anyhow, because she says i'm supposedly too good at talking to women. Which makes no sense, as she's known me long enough to know that i don't cheat on whomever i'm seeing. Also, i'm waaaay too straightforward with any women that i like, i'm sort of the opposite of smooth

I really want things to go back to how they were before, or failing that, having a semblance of professional relationship. But she makes it difficult, if i don't talk to her for a day or two, i get a text "have i done something wrong?".

I do like her as a woman by the way, I find her very attractive in many ways. At times I feel like i'm in love with her, which doesnt make too much sense. Yea I know i sound a bit confused. Any advice on figuring this out would be helpful.

You've gotten tangled up with a skanky pyschotic beeyatch who thinks nothing of treating her boyfriend like crap.

What is there to figure out?

It sounds like you're still a bit seduced by the attention you got from her.

Advice? Back away slowly....

She's a total headwrecker, plain and simple. How are some men so oblivious to the type? She's getting a nice ego boost from playing with your feelings. And sending a text saying 'would you like to join me in bed?' is not 'a wee bit of flirting'. It's her being a headwrecking pr*cktease. I'd step back and only deal with her when you have to, for work.

LegacyUser

Run for the hills my friend. If your the type of guy with morals who would never cheat etc like you say so then why have time for this girl who is only too willing to cheat on her boyfriend with you. I have fallen out with best friends over similar situations since anybody that was willing to cheat or sheats I have little respect for. Add to this the fact she is clearly minipulative, selfish and plain crazy then I know how much time id have for a person like this in my life.....

entropi

After reading that story it is quite clear, the girl is a NUTBAR!!

Keep this relationship a fair bit more distanced than you have been already, she's obviously got some problems.

CharlieCroker

BUNNYBOILER!!!!
Steer clear man, she just likes to think she's got a bit of control over you.

Soul Stretcher

I think you have shown remarkable restraint... you have been almost Buddha-like in your " I won't touch another man's bird" belief.

1. This girl relationship with her BF looks like its in trouble. She surely isn't 100% committed to it.

2. Consciously or unconsciously, she is getting a large kick out of teasing you. Her flirtatious "hooking" of you is a validation of her feminine power.

If she was not a work colleague or if she was leaving the job soon, I would mount up and enjoy the ride !! She sounds like an lively interesting person.

The fact that you work together is, IMO, a deal-breaker.

Your work-life could be seriously affected by the consequences of declaring your love/sleeping with her.

I would walk away from emotionally and just treat her like any other colleague... if you can.

MIN2511

I rememeber this same post from last year, not the recent bits but of her texting you and wanting to spend Christmas with ya.

I don't know this girl but her actions speak for her, buttom line is you know her more than we do-what do you want to do?


Sometimes it's easier to dish advice than it is to use them

This girl could be a head wrecker you don't need, stay away from her

or

She's just hurt and upset, you said no to her and also brought her bf into the conversation-guilt trip, meaning she wants both of you. She can't eat her cake and have it.

or

She started this but you keep flirting with her then rejecting her..... Have you kissed her before? Have you suggested things you'd do to her if you could.... Things like this wreck a girls head, she's probably thinking that if she dumps the bf for you and things don't work out then she's at a loss.... Probably a serial dater herself?



Meh, i just read all of what i typed.... sorry if it's long-it's 5.10 in the morning

Mmmm_Lemony

If your looking for a strictly professional relationship then I would advise you to be very careful about how you handle it. From what you have written it sounds like she is turning on you, for turning her down.

My advice is be very very careful about how you proceed. If you want the professional relationship to work I would advise organising a meeting of some sort with you, this girl and your direct manager or someone from HR. Explain to your manager/hr person everything you have told us, before the meeting, and that you want a purely professional relationship, no more. I've been lucky enough not to be tangled up in something like this, but I have seen careers going down the pan and all kinds of messy behaviour from the likes of these type situations...

Proceed with caution! If it was me and my career was important to me, I would make sure my bosses and colleagues were aware of the situation and how I felt, and I would try get as far away from her as possible...

MIN2511

Mmmm_Lemony wrote: »

If your looking for a strictly professional relationship then I would advise you to be very careful about how you handle it. From what you have written it sounds like she is turning on you, for turning her down.

My advice is be very very careful about how you proceed. If you want the professional relationship to work I would advise organising a meeting of some sort with you, this girl and your direct manager or someone from HR. Explain to your manager/hr person everything you have told us, before the meeting, and that you want a purely professional relationship, no more. I've been lucky enough not to be tangled up in something like this, but I have seen careers going down the pan and all kinds of messy behaviour from the likes of these type situations...

Proceed with caution! If it was me and my career was important to me, I would make sure my bosses and colleagues were aware of the situation and how I felt, and I would try get as far away from her as possible...

It's too late to get the bosses/hr involved. What does he expect to gain, he flirted with her, he was close to joining her on her assignment....

Op you had a thread about this at Christmas.
It must have been you because the details are exactly the same except in the Xmas thread[Exchange middle east for Tela viv/israel] if I remember correctly,there was no talk of her being nasty.
Just talk of how you were going to get together.
That seems like a very short time to be changing your mind on someone.
Has something else happened?

I'll try a search later for the thread if I have time.

LegacyUser

I think she's got some issues with men, she was about to marry a fella a few years back, when it turned out that he had been cheating on her for years. Ever since, she's been with guys that she hasn't really been interested in I think, but are more guys that could be considered "safe".

She's been with her current boyfriend now for about 3 years, he seems quite nice, comes from a nice catholic family, very conservative, family oriented etc. In all honesty, I think he's so far in the closet he's meeting Aslan. They haven't slept together for 1+ year now.

I had a talk with her a few months ago, right after christmas. I told her that she had to make up her mind, either leave her boyfriend or start treating him with some respect. That's when things turned sour. She says she could never be with a guy like me, she wouldn't be able to trust me, I've been seeing too many women, she doesnt like the way i talk to women and the way they talk to me. Fair enough I thought, that's her perogative.

I can't talk to her nowadays though, I'm suddenly everything that's wrong with men, I get a feeling that she's trying to piss me off every chance she gets.

I don't know.. I think i just miss her, we used to be very close friends before the flirting thing got out of control.

Unregistered

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't know.. I think i just miss her, we used to be very close friends before the flirting thing got out of control.

Memory like an elephant me

Look - thems the breaks.
If you are half the lethario that she thinks you are then I would suggest you look around for someone you like and start woo'ing as you'll have no problem getting someone

Forget about yer wan!

Gholimoli

Dude,
There are three ways of dealing with this type of girl.

1) You can play her game.
Assuming that you can stay emotionally detached from her.
This is exactly how she is.
I know the type all too well. They pray on getting boys emotionally attached and after they are hooked ,they get pleasure out of watching how much they can push you.(this is to see just how hooked you are).
That is all they are in for. It’s the only thing that matter to them.
This may not make much sense to you but trust me that’s all there is to them.
I would advice you to stir well clear of this option cuz you have nothing to gain out of this and everything to lose.

2) Just stay away
This is by far the best and more sensible option.
Depending on how hooked you mat already be, it may be hard to stay away but trust me the more lured in you get the harder it gets.
I would suggest not to entertain any sort of relationship with this girl no matter how hard she tries or how much you want to.

3) Become the prayed
Obviously this is the worse thing you can do but I just want to warn you that if you don’t pick option 1 or option 2 you are heading straight for option 3 no matter what sort of spin you put on it to justify it.

Mmmm_Lemony

MIN2511 wrote: »

It's too late to get the bosses/hr involved. What does he expect to gain, he flirted with her, he was close to joining her on her assignment....

OP You have the safety of your career to gain. For the sake of your career get others involved. You may have flirted with her by text in the past, and vice versa, but its time to either cut the rope or climb it...

You miss the way things were but from what you have written, that setup is never going to happen again, and your relationship will never be what it once was...

Riveam

Tell her you'll go for it if she dumps the fella.
If she does, she's genuine
If not, need I say more?

Whether it'll work out in the end, no one can tell. One thing is certain, life's too short to not take the chance!!!!

rhonda15

dude ...

she sounds like a manipulative sociopath to me ... messing about with people's feelings like that ... she was in a way cheating on her boyfriend by making advances on you ... you do the honorable thing by rebuffing her ... and then she turns all nasty when she doesn't get her way.

Telling you to your face that you are unattractive and untrustworthy?!

STEER CLEAR!

Gyalist

I have to disagree with the general opinion here. Yes, she's manipulative but she is not a sociopath, bunnyboiler, mentally unstable, a psychotic beeatch, or any of the other pejoratives used to describe her.

What you are dealing with is a straightforward case of female sexual rejection which is being complicated by the fact that you work closely together. To many men, being sexually rejected by a woman is more or less an occupational hazard. We just shrug our shoulders and move on to the next target. This is not so with even the most secure woman. When a woman is sexually rejected by a man it strikes at the very core of her femininity. This is one of the reasons that very few women approach men that they're attracted to.

Her being nasty to you now is just a symptom of her trying to rationalise the rejection after the fact, e.g, by now calling you unattractive. By saying that you're not a guy to be trusted she is projecting her feelings on to you because she knows that her own behaviour was not trustworthy.
No doubt she would react to a good display of male dominance from you and would actually respect you for it. That's why she keeps pushing your buttons. At the moment you are purely in reactive mode - responding to her latest provocation - when what you need to do is make a clear decision as to what you want, a professional relationship or friendship. Either way, you'll need to set very clear boundaries.

Soul Stretcher

Nail on the head Gyalist !! +1

LegacyUser

ok, quick update

Gyalist - thanks, that makes sense. I think I was so stuck in a "what the fcuk did i ever do to her" mode, I didnt think about what she was feeling or thinking there. Not seeing the forest for all the trees and all that.

Mmmm_Lemony - no no no, there's no reason to get HR involved. I wont go into details, but my career is the last thing i'm concerned about.

MIN2511 - no i've never kissed her, although i've been sorely tempted at times, heh. Trust me on this, that girl is pure sex. I've defo mentioned to her at times that I find her attractive. The offer to join her in the middle east was given purely because I was concerned about her though.


By the way, I realise I've given this impression of myself being holier-than-thou, but believe me - I'm far from perfect, I've done the whole thing of seeing an attached bird, as well as having several girlfriends at the time. It never ended well, so I try to steer clear of that nowadays. I like a life without complications. Also i'm not exactly a lothario or anything like that, I've just been kind of lucky when it comes to women or my career or whatever.

I didnt talk to her since Friday, mostly because I was busy, partially cause I didnt feel like talking to her. I get a ring this evening, she's just checking up on me to see if i'm alive, as well as asking me for a tiny favour. She's then telling me that she doesn't understand why i'm so nice to her, since I don't want anything from her. Also, now I'm suddenly the nicest guy on earth ?!?! Being friends with single or semi-single women can be kind of difficult at times, I think.

I'm not sure where to go from here, I'm in two minds of just cutting my losses and going back to a cordial & professional relationship, or inviting her over for a glass of wine and really talk things over.

MIN2511

She can't eat her cake and have it... She can't have a bf and then have a good male freind who she's attracted to her.
What do you want?

Cut your losses, although it would be easier to invite her for drinks and then you might get some

I know it's a silly way of thinking but sure why not...