After an affair

LegacyUser

i've been with this great guy for four years, however since moving in together things went downhill fast. he broke up with me about a year ago, tho i'd been wanting it a few months by then. i went travelling, fooled around with a few lads (we'd discussed it, and tho not happy, he accepted cos he was my first, i was curious). well, for the last few months together, and while travelling, i was more and more sure he wasnt the one for me tho found it very hard to accept and still kept in contact, loved him etc. i ended up getting into a brief relationship just before comign home, which he had to find out about (the others i was upfront as we agreed). he was gutted, but when i came home we realised we were still madly in love, and despite trying to stay friends, we ended up back together. he'd told me before going away that he wouldnt be able to get over me sleepign with someone. stupidly, i'd kept it from him that i'd slept with the last guy. thing is, i'd blurred details while i was away, and he lost trust that i'd tell the whole truth straight up, so when i admitted it finally after much questioning, he asked me to leave, said we were over. i'm at a crossroads...i regret so much the pain caused, and realise how wonderful a partner he has turned into and that many of our rows since comign home were started by me...however, i also know that were we to try again, like he said, he'd hold it against me for a long time if not forever and i wouldnt like the person he'd be. do i try for us again? i could leave it, and get on with my life as it is, probably save both of us the hurt of trying again and failing...or i could fight for us, keep working, hope he can get past it and keep my best friend in life. i guess i'm just lookign to see has anyone been in this situation, how do you patch things up after a loss of trust like this?

Kirnsy

Unregistered wrote: »

i've been with this great guy for four years, however since moving in together things went downhill fast. he broke up with me about a year ago, tho i'd been wanting it a few months by then. i went travelling, fooled around with a few lads (we'd discussed it, and tho not happy, he accepted cos he was my first, i was curious). well, for the last few months together, and while travelling, i was more and more sure he wasnt the one for me tho found it very hard to accept and still kept in contact, loved him etc. i ended up getting into a brief relationship just before comign home, which he had to find out about (the others i was upfront as we agreed). he was gutted, but when i came home we realised we were still madly in love, and despite trying to stay friends, we ended up back together. he'd told me before going away that he wouldnt be able to get over me sleepign with someone. stupidly, i'd kept it from him that i'd slept with the last guy. thing is, i'd blurred details while i was away, and he lost trust that i'd tell the whole truth straight up, so when i admitted it finally after much questioning, he asked me to leave, said we were over. i'm at a crossroads...i regret so much the pain caused, and realise how wonderful a partner he has turned into and that many of our rows since comign home were started by me...however, i also know that were we to try again, like he said, he'd hold it against me for a long time if not forever and i wouldnt like the person he'd be. do i try for us again? i could leave it, and get on with my life as it is, probably save both of us the hurt of trying again and failing...or i could fight for us, keep working, hope he can get past it and keep my best friend in life. i guess i'm just lookign to see has anyone been in this situation, how do you patch things up after a loss of trust like this?

ive highlighted the things that jumped out at me.

imo i think you are fighting a losing battle and would do well to let it go.


ps. maybe im blind but i couldn't see from the OP where you had a affair?
or is it just that he cant get over the fact you've slept with someone else?

LegacyUser

it wasnt really an affair. we broke up, said we'd try again when i came home, but after hooking up with a few guys (just kisses that sort of stuff) i said i wanted us back on and no more fooling about. however, difference is that while i believe this was said over the internet, thousands of miles away without knowing for sure he'd changed his bad habits and hey, im just human...he believes in the romance, that a promise is a promise and if we were meant to be i'd never have gone thru with it. we both know i wasnt doing anythign wrong, but it still hurts and his pride and ego has taken a fair bashing. i dont know if it is a losing battle tho....he loves me dearly, has spent the last 8mths fighting for me and tho struggled to get over the other guys, really wanted to make us work. maybe he just needs time to calm down????

Kirnsy

in fairness so i didn't realize he spent "the last eight months fighting" for you.

basically it comes down to ; is his ego bigger than how much he loves you.

this isn't saying he is arrogant or anything; personally id be slow on getting back with someone after they've slept with someone else.
not that what you did was wrong, just thats the way i am.

you know him well enough now. do you believe he can get over this? maybe he needs a bit of time apart from you to realise what it is he wants?
talk to him and try and figure out how you both feel.

CDfm

OP - I think most guys would react but it does point out that the confession to him depite the honesty has caused the split to be permanent.Even though people say that they are detatched they are not really.

Before the split you werent sure of your feelings for him.Dont you think he knew that.Your feelings for you were not sufficient not to have a fling. He said he would change his bad habits etc.

Im left wondering what these bad habits were and were they so bad to split over in the first place or were you overreacting to small things?

What Im seeing is 8 months of criticism,lack of real feelings for him when away and the confession may have combined to show him what he sees as your real character.

Last summer I considered seeing an ex g/f only to be persuaded not too by a group of women friends. You seem much nicer- but the general concensus was that this relationship wouldnt be healthy for me and Im really glad I listened.

All that said - have you thought of inviting him out to dinner and seeing if you can get on as friends.

LegacyUser

i dont think i was over-reacting. his bad habits would be sleeping all day till 4pm+ which meant we couldnt go anywhere or do anything. when we moved in together, the weekends were wasted on this which was the only time i really got to spend with him and i used to get mad he wouldnt make the effort..we lived with friends, and he'd party with them till late knowing how much it was affecting me, i didnt feel he supported me at all, he never made the effort i did (only coming to my house a handful of times in 4yrs). i moved out finally when he went on hols over his bday with his bro, friends and a girl i was jealous of (later turned out she had a major crush on him) with only a few hrs notice to me and despite telling me for over a year he had no cash to go on hols with me. he'd also criticise me, rip thru me and fight with me for no reason at times, then apologise after. he said some real cruel things that tho true, damaged my confidence (bad in bed, not funny, no friends etc)...in fairness, i didnt help things, turning cold, bitter and angry. he'd also told me he didnt want kids (after splitting up tho, we talked and he was just scared of being a bad father).

thing is, i agree with you...i didnt feel enough for him to stop myself...he knows that too. i shoudlve been more honest with myself and with him over it but i was confused by how much i loved him at the same time and really wanted to believe these things would change, bt realised too that he often made grand claims or plans and failed to follow thru. is it too much to ask him to realise how i felt about him while away, is understandable considering everything that'd happened, to seperate that, and what it led to, to being home and with him and seeing for real that he HAS changed. i made a decision based on what we had...i decided i didnt want to try again as i didnt feel we had a future and tho loved him, would be better with someone else.... while i dont regret that decision, i can accept why it happened, and that it shouldnt affect what we might have now, i want to start afresh..

dudara

OP, can I suggest that you try to make your posts easier to read? Perhaps some capital letters and more paragraphs. It would really help other posters understand the predicament you're in.

LegacyUser

By the way, we did try to just be friends when I first came home but soon found the passion and spark was alive and kicking.

He was certain he wanted us to try again, and though I originally thought it a bad idea, soon found myself in love with him. I know how he feels about us...he'd do anything to make us work, and has told me so since coming home. But he was fairly clear before I left and now that sleeping with someone would be something he couldn't get over.

Even if he could get over it, I'm afraid he'll constantly hold it against me and it'd cause him more pain than its worth. Despite all this, I want to try again. Am I being selfish? crazy?