Is this a lot?

LegacyUser

The other thread about 'numbers' got me thinking. Recently the topic of how many people we'd been with came up with me and the OH. He'd always said he was a relationship person and that he'd only had 2 serious girlfriends, and hadn't been with many girls so I was thinking perhaps 3 or 4, max (he's 23). Turns out he'd been with seven so I'm number eight. I was pretty shocked tbh. I know its not a HUGE amount but it seems quite a lot to me for someone who thinks they've hardly been with anyone. He then asked me and was shocked to find out I'd only been with 2 guys before him, when I said a few he'd assumed 4 or 5. Is it just me who thinks 7 is hardly a low amount (while not being extremely high, I know)?

shellyboo

Why does it matter how many people he's slept with? 8 people is not a lot by any means.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I had this exact conversation with my bf last night funnily enough....I know I have been with significantly more than him as he had previously been in a long term relationship...I have been with 3 times the amount he had! Not a good converasation to have ever really!I dont think he was too impressed but hey...not really his problem!

TBH I dont think 6 or 7 people is much,once he was careful its nothing to worry about.I believe sex is there to be enjoyed,once no one is getting hurt and everyone is being careful.

Think of the positives....he has some experience which ultimately should make him better in the sack

LegacyUser

Well in my case I'd never had a girlfriend before I met my OH except for a girl I was mad about once but who alas didn't feel the same way and I got the standard better to have loved and lost than never at all feeling. But anyway she however has had a few before she met me and sometimes yeah it bothers me a little to think she'd go out with so many people but then I think "hang on, she's with me, she loves me and has never been happier in her life" and then any of those thoughts melt away and I realise that what's really bothering me is that the thought of her being with anyone else repulses me and the thing is, she used to be with those guys but not anymore, she didn't know me or realise she'd meet me so what harm. If anything these events just help turn them into the people we know and love so what I say to you is don't worry about it If you guys love each other and get on great then that's all that matters, the past is the past for a reason, just focus on the present and your future

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Why does it matter how many people he's slept with? 8 people is not a lot by any means.

By who's standards? Certainly not by societal averages, as the results of many surveys/polls I have ever seen have shown. It's that kind of thinking that has seen the explosion of STD's STI's etc.

That said, I don't like the question. If they want to volunteer the information fine, that said in a relationship it's everyone's right to ask if they wish and everyone's right to answer or not as they wish.

shellyboo

Durex Global survey 2004 says the Irish average is 10.6 partners. The world average is 10.5, so the OP's bf is below average internationally and nationally.

And by my own personal standards, 8 is not a lot at all And in a case like this, the only standards that matter are your own.

However, that's not the point... the point is, why does it matter? The answer is, it doesn't. It's in the past, has no bearing on your relationship whatsoever.

jim o doom

prinz wrote: »

By who's standards? Certainly not by societal averages, as the results of many surveys/polls I have ever seen have shown. It's that kind of thinking that has seen the explosion of STD's STI's etc.

That said, I don't like the question. If they want to volunteer the information fine, that said in a relationship it's everyone's right to ask if they wish and everyone's right to answer or not as they wish.

eh - do you have anything to back up your opinion there? "the results of many surveys/polls" - what polls and surveys, any links?

To the OP - it's ENTIRELY dependant on perspective - for me and plenty of my friends it's a medium to high number of partners - but again for several of my friends, it's actually a low number..

You are not going out with your OH's ex girlfriends - don't let his past worry you, only worry about the present.

Wagon

shellyboo wrote: »

Why does it matter how many people he's slept with? 8 people is not a lot by any means.

The number question is one of those unpleasent things when you get into a relationship. People ask for a few reasons and the root of these are just a lack of confidance. You feel you need to know as you want to be the best shag this person ever had and you want to know what your up against. Completely illogical but **** it, we aren't all perfect.

OP, the number isn't that high. And it's not like he shagged everything with a pulse like some people do.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Durex Global survey 2004 says the Irish average is 10.6 partners.

hardly an independent and unbiased source judging sexual activity :rolleyes:

"More than a quarter (27%) have had only one partner" - from same source....

Given that almost 100% of male respondents are going to 'up' the numbers anyway..

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

hardly an independent and unbiased source judging sexual activity :rolleyes:

Would you like to supply one then prinz?

LegacyUser

Its all about perspective, sex means different things to different people. For some its a very intimate thing that they share with somebody they love or care for and for others well, a shags a shag! At 25 im a man who has only slept with 1 person and I have never been in a long term relaionship but thats only because the act itself means more to me then just getting my rocks. I have walked away from alot of opportunities other men wouldnt have and had I taken half those opportunites I would have slept with more partners than your boyfriend by now OP so if he has slept with 8 women then its only 2 a year for the last 4 years. It may sound high to you and me but to the next person it may be an extremly low figure.

Nevyn

prinz if you can not post in a helpful and constructive manner then don't bother.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

hardly an independent and unbiased source judging sexual activity :rolleyes:

"More than a quarter (27%) have had only one partner" - from same source....

Given that almost 100% of male respondents are going to 'up' the numbers anyway..

Do you have a point, or are you just trying to make the OP feel bad? You haven't offered any advice, merely criticised mine.

OP, like I said above... it doesn't matter, and the only person's opinion that does matter in this case is yours; not mine and not prinz's. You need to figure out why the number bothers you and why it matters... you should hopefully realise that the relationship you have with him isn't worth jeopardising over a number.

prinz

jim o doom wrote: »

eh - do you have anything to back up your opinion there? "the results of many surveys/polls" - what polls and surveys, any links?

To the OP - it's ENTIRELY dependant on perspective - for me and plenty of my friends it's a medium to high number of partners - but again for several of my friends, it's actually a low number..

You are not going out with your OH's ex girlfriends - don't let his past worry you, only worry about the present.

http://www.iht.com/articles/2007/08/12/healthscience/sex.1-113328.php


The median number of lifetime female sexual partners for men was seven; the median number of male partners for women was four.
The survey, released Friday, is based on data collected from 1999 to 2002 for the National Center for Health Statistics, a branch of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. - MSNBC

Again I agree with what you say, for some people its low, for some it's high, for a priest its enormous (possibly ) I would say at 23, he's still rather young to be hitting the upper scale of Shellyboo's average lifetime number of partners.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Do you have a point, or are you just trying to make the OP feel bad?

You're the person questioning why should she care.. Obviously she does so telling her it's below average is hardly helpful either.

It is just a number. As long as he's clean and going to be faithful to the OP I don't see any issue with how many partners he has had.

But comparing something to averages and means as a basis to be ok with it or not is not helping anyone.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

You're the person questioning why should she care.. Obviously she does so telling her it's below average is hardly helpful either.

It is just a number. As long as he's clean and going to be faithful to the OP I don't see any issue with how many partners he has had.

But comparing something to averages and means as a basis to be ok with it or not is not helping anyone.

Well presumably she's better off being ok with it, yes? Better off being happy? In which case her realising it's not THAT big or unusual a number is quite helpful.

Confirming her fears that it is a big number is just going to leave her still worried and upset. She needs to get over the fascination with the number, we're agreed on that... but if she can't, she needs to at least be ok with it. Which is why I'm telling her it's an average amount of partners and that it's ok.

Nevyn

Bickering over stastics is not helpful if you want that debate take it to humanities.

prinz

Thaedydal wrote: »

Bickering over stastics is not helpful if you want that debate take it to humanities.

Yes boss . There is no help can be given the OP in this case. Other than the advice to try not to dwell on it or think about. Don't ask don't tell policy in future.

LegacyUser

The thing is, he honestly thinks 7 is 'nothing'. He really does think it's a really low number, I think because his friends have been with so many more. He said his exes were really surprised that he'd been with so few people and thought I was prudish for thinking it was high. I'm not naive, I know it's not loads, but it's more than most people I know.

LegacyUser

isitalot wrote: »

The thing is, he honestly thinks 7 is 'nothing'. He really does think it's a really low number, I think because his friends have been with so many more. He said his exes were really surprised that he'd been with so few people and thought I was prudish for thinking it was high. I'm not naive, I know it's not loads, but it's more than most people I know.

Maybe you should tell him to grow up and mature a bit, that life isn't about shagging as many people as you can/your mates can/anyone can. To be honest, I'd have a serious think about the future of your relationship if he's on a quest to get as many notches as he can.

shellyboo

isitalot wrote: »

The thing is, he honestly thinks 7 is 'nothing'. He really does think it's a really low number, I think because his friends have been with so many more. He said his exes were really surprised that he'd been with so few people and thought I was prudish for thinking it was high. I'm not naive, I know it's not loads, but it's more than most people I know.

Again, I have to ask... why does it matter to you? You're saying you know it's not high... what's bothering you?

Joey the lips

I have only ever been with one person. My wife. She was my second girlfriend. I sometime wonder how it would have wnt if I did not meet her but tbh I am delighted the way it developed.Physically she has got more attractive in time so I am lucky.

I have to say weather your with 1 or 50 it should not matter. I dont think you should be shy about discussing it either. If your partner becomes jelious you can always say something like " Why dont we compare notes on what we both learned" The only thing I would imagine is after the 3rd your relationship would become more love based then sexual based if that makes sense plus your learning in practise what books can only teach.

I think it does bring up another point though. At what point should we insist our partners do an STD Test based on the number of partners.

I always envy those that have hard more than one sexual partner, not because of the bravado thing but I always feel you truly must understand love when sex has moved on to been there done that.

LegacyUser

Joey the lips wrote: »

I always envy those that have hard more than one sexual partner, not because of the bravado thing but I always feel you truly must understand love when sex has moved on to been there done that.

I don't think sexual experience can lead to any greater understanding of love. Actually from most experiences it has the opposite effect. The more sexual partners someone has had then the more difficult they find it to settle into a loving relationship.

To the OP, try not to dwell on it, and you can tell your fella that nobody's really impressed by numbers except the immature. Tbh I've had a few sexual partners, but with the girl I'm with at the moment who I can see as my wife, I truly wish I hadn't had those meaningless one night stands and flings.

Nevyn

I think the more sexual exploration a person has done the more they will know about themselves and what they want in thier life and the better able they will be to settle down with one partner if that is what they want.

Monkey61

OP really don't worry. It is all relative anyway as you have said yourself that it only seems high to you because the people you know would have a lower number. Likewise he thinks it's low because it is lower than people he knows.

There can't be a right or wrong on this one. I personally would say it is about average, probably even on the low side.

Bottom line is that is is nothing to worry about or be threatened by. Better having a partner that has experimented and learned what they like etc, then one who hasn't I'd say. After all, threads are always popping up about people who are happy in their relationships and settling down yet are starting to regret not having slept with anyone other than their partner. That would be more cause for worry in a relationship I'd imagine.

thebigcheese22

shellyboo wrote: »

Durex Global survey 2004 says the Irish average is 10.6 partners. The world average is 10.5, so the OP's bf is below average internationally and nationally.

And by my own personal standards, 8 is not a lot at all And in a case like this, the only standards that matter are your own.

However, that's not the point... the point is, why does it matter? The answer is, it doesn't. It's in the past, has no bearing on your relationship whatsoever.

I'd agree with your point that the past should have no bearing on the present up til a point.

Also does that Durex survey count for all of guy's lives or just 23 year olds??

Pherekydes

OP, no one can tell you what's a big number and what's a small number because it's simply a matter of opinion. You must decide for yourself.

Bottle_of_Smoke

isitalot wrote: »

The thing is, he honestly thinks 7 is 'nothing'. He really does think it's a really low number, I think because his friends have said they've been with so many more.

Think that's more accurate. Prostitutes don't count.

He said his exes were really surprised that he'd been with so few people and thought I was prudish for thinking it was high. I'm not naive, I know it's not loads, but it's more than most people I know.

Find that hard to believe unless they were pretending as to compliment his technique or something. I'd say he's had sex with more women than most guys his age, but if he was thirty I doubt it'd be all that high a figure.

I wouldn't trust a durex survey for this kind of thing. Its in their interest for people to think they should be having more casual sex for very obvious reasons.

The fact that he's talking to you about this is very odd I think. It sounds like he's sending a subtle warning that he wants to have sex with other people and is thinking about ending it with you. Given the urgency of your posts I'm guessing this has already crossed your mind.

yellowcurl

Numbers aren't everything. As long as you're happy and you're faithful to each other there should be no need to stress over each others number of sexual partners. There's no point in it. What's done is done, it can't be erased/taken back. And at the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with however many people anyone has slept with. It's their own personal choice to do so.

LegacyUser

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Think that's more accurate. Prostitutes don't count.


Find that hard to believe unless they were pretending as to compliment his technique or something. I'd say he's had sex with more women than most guys his age, but if he was thirty I doubt it'd be all that high a figure.

His mates do shag around a lot and have a lot of one night stands, so I wouldn't be surprised if most of them have been with 20-30 women. I suppose it's normal then that my BF would feel he'd been with hardly anyone in comparison (he's more the serial monogamist type)

The fact that he's talking to you about this is very odd I think. It sounds like he's sending a subtle warning that he wants to have sex with other people and is thinking about ending it with you. Given the urgency of your posts I'm guessing this has already crossed your mind.

Not sure where you got that?! The topic of how many people we'd been with came up. He's really, really into me, I don't think there's any danger of wanting to end it!

krudler

Ah the "how many" discussion, I tend to get it out of the way as soon as its brought up, I've been with 6 people (I'm 28) so thats less than 1 a year since i first had sex, and 3 of those were long relationships, 1 one night stand which I always regretted as it was rubbish and 2 short term things, so by no means have I been shagging around but in some peoples eyes I'd be seen that way, the older you get the higher the numbers will be in general but OP like its been said its all about perspective, nobody likes to think of their current partner as having slept around or having one night stands and deep down i think everyone feels a bit of, lets say resentment about it, but look at it this way, as long as he's happy with you and you dont let it come between you its not a big deal, although that being said when i was 19 i was seeing someone who turned out to have slept with 21 people by the time she was 18, and i'm not ashamed to say she got dumped as a result, I didnt really fancy going out with someone who was probably riddled with STDs

LegacyUser

I'm male, 37.

Had around (and I mean around cos I lost count somewhere many years ago) 65 sexual partners.

Tbh there was a time I wished I could magically undo about 2/3 of those which were down to drunkeness, low self esteem or just the plain old fact that I had a RAGING libido! As I have gotten older my libido has, very thankfully (!), lessened.

My current gf asked me 3 times how many women I've had and says my lack of an answer tells her all that she needs to know (that i'm a "slut"). It's ok though cos she is only messing when she says it.

I told her that I wasn't gonna tell her cos it's in the past and bears no relation to us. Just as her "number" is none of my business and how would she liked it if I asked her and then made a moral judgement on her based on it? The past is the past. To me now, sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship. I am very happy to really explore the non-sexual side of it and am comfortable in knowing that I am attractive to women so I feel no need to go proving anything to myself anymore (not that I always did, but I admit I did at times).

Also, I think there are smoe things that out of respect for a partner there is no need to go telling them and no need to go prying into either and this is one of them. (Unless it's to get them to describe an anonymous encounter from their past to you while you are actually having sex - that's HOT! lol)

t-ha

Like seven in the last week or ever?!

Not a lot - unless he's got a face like a foot.

Anyway, when he tells you your the best ever would you rather be best of three or best of eight?

Pherekydes

t-ha wrote: »

Not a lot - unless he's got a face like a foot.

That's odd logic. Perhaps people who have, relatively speaking, fewer partners view sex differently rather than being just plain ugly.

t-ha wrote: »

Anyway, when he tells you your the best ever would you rather be best of three or best of eight?

Well, by that logic, best of 800 or best of 8000 is better again.

There is the possibility/probability that people are going to tell the current partner that they're their best ever.

LegacyUser

Was out last night and this topic was brought up by a girl there. She'd been with 11 men (she was around 22-23 max) and nobody seemed shocked by that. She said her bf had been with 25 women, which she thought was a lot. I was pretty shocked at 11 for a 22 year old ,tbh. Maybe this is the norm!!

Jimmy Bottlehead

OP I know what you mean. Its just not that pleasant thinking your boyfriend shared something that intimate with seven other girls. But fact is, he chose to be with you. If they were that awesome in bed, he'd be back with them. Just accept that just as you were with a few guys in the past, he too was with some girls. And that he got that side of things out of his system before you.

who007

Why think about it though? Seriously.. it's in the past when they weren't aware of your existance so what relevance is it to anything? Would you then logically follow that up with that it's not nice to think of them kissing X number of people, or blowing X number of guys..? Once they are dedicated to a relationship with you then I don't think anything they did in their past matters (within reason obviously - I wouldn't like to find out a gf had previously been a hooker or something)

Mmmm_Lemony

who007 wrote: »

Why think about it though? Seriously.. it's in the past when they weren't aware of your existance so what relevance is it to anything? Would you then logically follow that up with that it's not nice to think of them kissing X number of people, or blowing X number of guys..? Once they are dedicated to a relationship with you then I don't think anything they did in their past matters (within reason obviously - I wouldn't like to find out a gf had previously been a hooker or something)

What would be 'within reason'? And why would it matter if she was a hooker in the past?

From my circle of friends, 8 would be an average, barring 1 or 2 lads who would be alot higher. Its perfectly normal to worry about these things, and personally I'd rather gf not tell me unless it was really low.