Is it ever OK to...

LegacyUser

...ask a girl how many guys she's slept with?

If I got a truthful answer to this question it would make everything so much clearer in my head.

Kiera

Unregistered wrote: »

...ask a girl how many guys she's slept with?

If I got a truthful answer to this question it would make everything so much clearer in my head.

Why do you really want to know? I cant see how it would make things clearer in your head. I reckon you're asking for trouble asking a girl this question tbh. Just leave it.

Silverfish

Um, I suppose if you're in a relationship with the girl then yes, but nobody ever has a good reason for asking tbh.

It usually just leads to more questions, and some form of judgement.

Stheno

It's the past why would it make things so much clearer?

And the mere fact you are qualifiying it by saying "if i get a truthful answer" suggests to me that regardless of the answer, it's truthfulness will bother you, and you'll never be able to verify that.

Maybe just move on and accept the girls past, and enjoy your relationship with her?

puglover

No it's none of your business...relationship pr no relationship!!

Salome

puglover wrote: »

No it's none of your business...relationship pr no relationship!!

I'm inclined to agree - what difference would it make anyway??? You're going to assume she's lying anyway.

Look, either you like the girl or you don't. The number is irrelevant - you could be the last - isn't that more important?

kaimera

if she asks first obviously

Liam Byrne

As stated above, you'll never know if the answer is the truth.....some people "up" it, so they don't seem inexperienced, while others lower it in case they get a bad reaction.

Do you have an answer in your head that you'd be happy with ?

And, if that answer was out of sync with what you had in mind, but she was still the funniest, soundest, most interesting and appealing girl ever, would it change your opinion of her ?

Even if someone was a serial monogamist, they could still have 3 or 4 partners a year; multiply that out and you could get 40 or more (depending on age and starting age), but without that logic (and with an emotional involvement) that 40 might seem like a huge number.....

Best option, forget that question altogether....

NewFrockTuesday

I dont agree with asking...but I would hope to have the information volunteered to me at some point - or at least a rough approximation. I dont want any nitty gritty but....

If you are considering entering a relationship with another, then you natrually want to know how they have lived their life thus far so you might have an indication of how they might conduct themselves in days to come.


I know its not the done thing, but yes, I would like to know a little of my partners sexual past so that I may know what to expect in the future. Yadda yadda to change and all that - I want to know where I stand now. If they have had 50+ partners by 30, I would be ok with that maybe, if they have been living like a pornstar for the last 10 years, then what message has been imprinted into their brain?

I would never pry or question, but I would expect something along these lines to crop up in conversation at some point. Thats just me though. I like a handle on things and Im just human so I make judgements on people (shock horror) based on their past.

For me, its part of posession. Dont blast me for saying that. I mean it in a good way. Im a big believer in security once you decide to commit then posession is a part of it. Whether you like it or not.


Im going to get so flamed for saying that...so be it.

Liam Byrne

Quote from a Mary Chapin-Carpenter / Joe Diffie song:

"If I was not the first, just say I'll be the last...."

Zaph

Like age, it's only a number and there's bugger all you can do about it. Accept that it's likely that you're not the first and move on, otherwise you're only going to melt both your's and your partner's heads.

lolli

It usually ends up coming up in conversation somewhere down the line. You'll never know if your getting the truthful answer though :P Although its not something i've ever lied about in a relationship.

Craft25

IME if you are honest in what your history is and how it led you to become the man you are, then she will return the candour

but.. numbers mean nothing, honesty means everything

lolli

Craft25 wrote: »

numbers mean nothing, honesty means everything

Yeah totally agree with that.

LegacyUser

I dont know, alot of people say its none of your business how many people your partner slept with before you but I kind of think it is. I judge people on their past and actions as its usually an indication of future behaviour and maybe id like to know that the person I could potentially spend the rest of my life with hasnt slept with 50 people before me! Although saying that I actually never ask and its only because id rather live in ignorance then have my head wrecked thinking of other people she has been with. Just like smoking may be a deal breaker for somebody, sleeping with as many guys as a porn star would be a deal breaker for me!

honru

I see no problem with this question in a relationship based on honesty and trust.

However, the fact that you have asked for a second opinion begs the question, why is it that you want to know? What is it that you want to clear your head of? Do you need some sort of mental conception about your partner based on her past sexual history?

This thread is an indication that this matter is of questional importance to you and it is likely she will sense that off you when you ask her. If you don't come to terms with the reasons for deliberating such a question, then expect a skewed figure for fear of being judged, and possibly an intuitive feeling that you are not being totally upfront.

Creamy Goodness

tbh i've only recently found out it's wrong to ask a girl her age, so i couldn't even imagine asking a girl this.

LegacyUser

OP again here. With regards the 'clearer in my head' part, it's kindof selfish. Basically there's 2 girls. One (lets call her girl 1), I know better than the other(girl2). Girl 1 is very much a relationship type girl, so I know how many guys she's been with, and it's comforting to me that it's a low number. There's no bigger turn-off imo, than a girl who sleeps around a lot. Girl2, well I guess you could say we have history together. There is more of a spark with girl2 than girl1, but I know less of girl2's past and she's a bit wild, so it plays on my mind. Now I'm considering what move to take..do i lose girl1, and take a chance on girl2, or do I forget girl2, less chance of heartbreak with girl1, who I do really like

Nervous Wreck

Creamy Goodness wrote: »

tbh i've only recently found out it's wrong to ask a girl her age, so i couldn't even imagine asking a girl this.

It's WHAT?! All those drinks poured on me.....



Ahem. It's okay. Sure. Why not? Don't expect to get away with it though. Nah, this question is generally asked at some stage (usually by the guy because we can all be really masochistic sometimes). It's a silly question with no real relevance.... But still we ask.... Weird.

Joey the lips

I have never understood the reason for answering this but my o/h asked me this one day and I asked her why she wants to know and she said to me "Because I dont want you thinking of that [EMAIL="B@tch"]B@tch[/EMAIL] when your in bed with me" So I thought for a min turned and said " Babe - Your that good I dont think of anything I just enjoy"

What I am getting at if you asked and your comfortable tell if your not dont say! I think if a partner puts you in a conflict position they should be willing to receive a conflict answer! The thing I find strange as a man. If I slept with 5 , 6 , 7 , 8 women I would not be afraid to say but if my o/h done the same society would judge her!

I think the only reason for asked this is risk. ie STD's and the like. I honestly think the solution to this is simple aside from testing etc. Do not climb into bed straight away. Give the relationship time to develop into a loving relationship.

For the record I am no stud I have had one long term relationship for 15 years and thats enough

prinz

Unregistered wrote: »

Is it ever OK...ask a girl how many guys she's slept with?

If I got a truthful answer to this question it would make everything so much clearer in my head.

Of course its OK to ask.;)
It's also just as OK for her not to answer, truthfully or otherwise.:D

If you ask and she tells you she doesn't want to answer - what are you going to infer from that - nothing good. I have asked before, but I believe in the Freedom of Information I have also been asked and refused to answer. It's not your automatic right to know, it's not her automatic duty to tell.

You have to acept that you may not get an answer and move on. Simple as.

honru

Unregistered wrote: »

There's no bigger turn-off imo, than a girl who sleeps around a lot.

If something like this is your ultimate turn-off in a prospective partner, it seems to me you have a Madonna-whore complex to a certain degree. Here you have a girl who you have more of a connection with, yet you are unwilling to pursue a relationship with her if she has had her share of multiple sex partners in the past. Your idea of "relationship-type" girl has less to do with a woman being emotionally mature for an adult relationship and more with how close she comes to your ideal of a virgin.

Come to terms with why you feel this way. Ask Girl 2 about her history and, if the issue is still of major importance to you, you can better determine which woman to choose.

Annie Bananie

Unregistered wrote: »

I dont know, alot of people say its none of your business how many people your partner slept with before you but I kind of think it is. I judge people on their past and actions as its usually an indication of future behaviour..

I can see what you are coming from.. but please also think about:
-If you judge them so hard on their past, then you must think people never learn from mistakes?
-A persons past is what made them who they are today.

We all have different values and different things are very important to us. I could not care less about what the number were for my partner.. I tbh rather that he have had "too many" then too few. Then I know he tried things in life and have a bit of experience In the end none of that matter, if two people love each other and get along, no numbers matter

JohnnyNoName

I would say it's fairly unimportant. Ask yourself why it bothers you.

I get the feeling you've asked this because you feel inadequate (possibly sexually?).

If so just discuss it with her honestly and directly, without probing around for answers and trying to avoid the issue (this will only cause trouble).

You've got to be honest.

If it's a healthy relationship you should be able to discuss your feelings with each other.

JohnnyNoName

Unregistered wrote: »

There's no bigger turn-off imo, than a girl who sleeps around a lot

???????

I just saw this after the above post. It sounds like you're being fairly sexist here.

How many chicks have YOU been with? Would you accept her asking how many women you've been with because she was turned off by a colourful sexual history?

Also the fact that you're messing around with two girls at the same time is fairly indicative that you don't really give a toss about either of them.

You're giving us lads a bad name. Stick to the porn, for all our sakes.

LegacyUser

OP again.

JohnnyNoName wrote: »

How many chicks have YOU been with? Would you accept her asking how many women you've been with because she was turned off by a colourful sexual history?

3, and yes.

JohnnyNoName wrote: »

Also the fact that you're messing around with two girls at the same time is fairly indicative that you don't really give a toss about either of them.

I'm not, I've taken some time out to sort out my head. I'm not 'involved' with either right now.

Wibbs

I suppose don't ask if you feel you can't handle one answer or the other. Personally I wouldn't be too bothered about someones past sexual history. I would be much more interested in their past emotional history. IE someone who went from one person to the next without a break to deal with themselves, or someone who had overlap between partners. The type that uses infidelity as a mechanism of breaking up. Someone who falls in love too quickly and falls out of love equally quickly. That sort of thing. That would be more of a concern for me. I reckon the only issue I would have with sexual history would be finding out someone was not as sexual as me. For compatibility's sake. That would be a dealbreaker.

That's me though and people differ. Yes the trend is to say, "it shouldn't matter" but to many it does and to many more who won't admit for fear of dismissal of that view. More men than women I would say, though quite a few women would feel that too. So if this does matter to you, don't be ashamed of it. So long as you're not being hypocritical, then that's your opinion. IMHO sexual freedom should include all parts of the spectrum of opinion, not just the more liberal.

Wagon

It's kind of a mixed bag that question. I asked previous girlfriends because i wasn't sure if it was worth it. By my previous logic anyway:

girl sleeps around a lot and has numerous guys on the go = girl gets bored easily and will dump me and I get hurt.

I've found that it's not really true though. I've had partners with colourful pasts and they've been very trusting relationships when I've been with them. On the other hand, some were hoores and still are. It's a hard one to call based on someones past. Wibbs is right, look at the emotional history if you want a good indicator on that one.