My boyfriend doesn't ask me to parties

Lorrs33

I've written about this before, so go easy on me. I've known my boyfriend for years, we only started going out last September so obviously we spend a lot more time together. I don't drink alcohol and my boyfriend does and I always wondered if it would cause a problem. At Halloween, he went to a club with a friend and the friend's girlfriend, but he didn't invite me. It bothered me but I let it go. Then he went to a birthday party for a friend's sister and again, I wasn't invited. That one wouldn't have bothered me if he hadn't told me he brought his last girlfriend to one of the sister's parties (this girl has a lot of parties).

I finally said it to him, not asking him why he didn't invite me to those parties or clubs, but I just asked if my not drinking affected his decision to ask me to them. He said it didn't and went on to claim he doesn't like clubs, even though he went to one a few weeks ago (but that was with the lads).

I was looking at his Bebo page a couple of weeks back, just reading his updates and posting a comment. I noticed the previous comment, which was a girl from his class inviting him to a 21st, adding that he should invite friends. I wondered if he would invite me, but I didn't mention it. It slipped my mind until the other day, we usually ask each other daily if we have any news, and he told me he's going to the 21st which is on Saturday night, and no invitation for me. It's really bothering me by this point.

I brought him to a 21st in November, which wasn't great because I only knew a handful of people, but I hoped it would show him that I can still go out, I don't need to drink. I don't want to start an argument with him, which is exactly what will happen because once I get going, I can be really angry. Sorry for the long post. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

AARRRGH

I don't understand why you can't just talk to him about this.

If you want to have a proper relationship you need to be able to discuss things which worry you, or things you are not happy about. I don't see any point in staying quiet and unhappy.

Just ask him what the story is.

irishgrover

AARRRGH wrote: »

Just ask him what the story is.

I agree, I'd probably ask him something like "Is there a reason you did not as my to go to that party with you?"
If might be uncomfortable to ask and you may or may not like the answer, but I'm guessing that that unknown is probably causing you more stress and grief...

Beruthiel

AARRRGH wrote: »

I don't understand why you can just talk to him about this.

Indeed.
If it bothers you that much just ask if you can go too.
Why haven't you done that?

Lorrs33

I'd feel like I was tagging along if I did that.

I hate confrontation, he probably doesn't realise it's a problem.

Mixedup

i feel your pain, my boyfriend is very like that and i do drink!

I'm starting to think he doesnt want to involve me in his social life, or be involved in mine, and its much harder to bring up than you'd think without sounding like a total cling on! i dont know what to advise only you're not the only one!

petes

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I don't want to start a row. If I say it to him now, he'll feel obliged to invite me. I hate confrontation anyway.

It's not confrontation, it's called a relationship.

AARRRGH

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I hate confrontation

This doesn't have to be confrontation. It can be a conversation.

Lorrs33 wrote: »

he probably doesn't realise it's a problem.

You are making the same mistake so many women make. "He probably doesn't realise it's a problem". Of course he doesn't! He can't read your mind. So instead of sitting there quietly wondering why he doesn't understand you, just talk to him about the issue.

prinz

My gf doesn't drink very often. I have never not invited her to a party or celebration however it IS something that has caused issues in the past with things like her sitting at a party with a sour face because she's not having any fun, her getting into stupid arguments with drunk friends over ridiculous things - she should know better she's sober they're not, complaining about when are we moving, what time is it etc etc, commenting on people and their behaviour.Gradually everyone picked up on it and friends have asked me 'will she be coming?' etc. It does take its toll. It's such hard work always making sure she's having a good time that I tend to actually enjoy myself more when she's not there - whether I'm drinking or not.It doesn't really help but if you have acted like my gf does from time to time, your bf may have been made aware that you're not really welcome perhaps

axer

irishgrover wrote: »

I agree, I'd probably ask him something like "Is there a reason you did not as my to go to that party with you?"

I wouldn't ask it that way as it is making some sort of big deal out of it. Why not just expect that you are going and ask him "what time are we going to the party?". You will know straight away by the way he reacts i.e. if he hesitates etc.

It is pretty lame that you even have to ask him but tis no harm asking.

Lorrs33

We've only been to one party together, but it was awkward for the both of us because we only knew few people and they kept moving around. I went to my aunt's 60th there in January, and I did text him complaining about it, but that was because my family keep singing old songs when they're drunk and I hadn't really got anyone to talk to. That could be a reason why he doesn't invite me out, but there were parties before that he didn't invite me to. I'd like to think I'd enjoy myself if I was with him, with more than a handful of people we knew. But he hasn't given me the chance to show that.

bubblewrap

I would just bring it up by saying, "it would be nice to be invited along sometime as I feel I am missing out sometimes". I can't see that escalating into a row. That statement will give you his answer right away, whether it be verbal or with his body language.

I would be peeved if I never got invited out. You are supposed to be a couple, he can't go round acting like he is single.

Lorrs33

Well the Halloween party came up. We were talking about being a third wheel and he admitted he felt like that that night when he attended it with his friend and the friend's girlfriend. I just laughed and said that a solution would've been to invite me. 'Awh, I feel bad now' he said. That was the perfect opportunity to ask him why I wasn't invited, but I left it till later. He got all defensive, voice high-pitched, claiming that it was a last minute arrangement. I'm not really sure what to make of that.

MrMojoRising

OP - why don't you drink? Maybe he just thinks you won't enjoy yourself if you're at a party and everyone else is drinking

axer

MrMojoRising wrote: »

OP - why don't you drink? Maybe he just thinks you won't enjoy yourself if you're at a party and everyone else is drinking

That is a silly suggestion. The OP should not have to drink just to please others.

JC 2K3

Some people like to keep their social life with their friends and their relationship with their OH entirely seperate, others stick together like glue and attend every social event with each other, and most couples lie somewhere in between.

The key here, as has been said several times on this thread, is communication. The fact you don't drink may or may not be an issue. Also, have you ever invited him out with you and your friends?

Motley Crue

I don't drink, I did before, but I stopped a few years ago and I have never been happier because I have the best time when I am sober....sorry but I enjoy life, and actually, I shouldnt have to apologise to people for that...and neither should the OP

As for your boyfriend, just ask him, and if its something petty youll sort it or something serious that he doesnt like about your personality then **** him and get someone who treats you right

MrMojoRising

axer wrote: »

That is a silly suggestion. The OP should not have to drink just to please others.

thats not what i said

greenteaicedtea

Lorrs33 wrote: »

Well the Halloween party came up. We were talking about being a third wheel and he admitted he felt like that that night when he attended it with his friend and the friend's girlfriend. I just laughed and said that a solution would've been to invite me. 'Awh, I feel bad now' he said. That was the perfect opportunity to ask him why I wasn't invited, but I left it till later. He got all defensive, voice high-pitched, claiming that it was a last minute arrangement. I'm not really sure what to make of that.

I think you should tell him that you could have gone, even if it was last minute, or something like that, maybe he made a dumb decision but spell it out to him how you would have liked it to be, that you are his girlfriend and how does it look that you are not there.

Another thing is, I am dating someone and we started going out in september also. I am trying to make the transition from "I'm seeing someone but not telling all my friends in case it doesn't work out" to having 6 months of relationship, him meeting my family etc.

Eric Cartman

just to ask, considering he does drink, do you ever pass judgment on him when hes drunk ? or are you the type that would make him leave a party early if you werent enjoying it ? (have either of those 2 situations happened before)

had a mate with a girlfirend kind of like this, she used to bitch at him when he was tipsy and make him leave parties by 11 or 12, he stopped bringing her places and things got better

Bottle_of_Smoke

Maybe he doesn't want you to see him drunk on nights or feels he can't get drunk in front of you. I could understand that.

He might just feel more comfortable with his mates when he only has to look after himself.

I've known girls who get a bit pissy if I'm having a long conversation with someone on my own and not paying attention to them. Though they'd be the same girls who'd deny being like that if I described someone else doing it.

Lorrs33

Yep, I've invited him out several times with my friends and they get along great. I've never actually seen him drunk, but from what I've heard, he sounds hilarious. He says he dances when he's drunk and insisted I'll never see him dance because he's embarrassed. But I finally said it to him the other night about not inviting me out, and he said there wasn't a reason for it, it sounded like he didn't even notice. Now he's inviting me places like concerts with his brother, but still no mention of the 21st, which is this coming Saturday, not last night (mix up).

MIN2511

Why are you particular about this 21st? Hes asking you out to parties? Why the fuss?

JC 2K3

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I've never actually seen him drunk

This is likely significant.

Miss Fluff

Lorrs33 wrote: »

I've never actually seen him drunk, but from what I've heard, he sounds hilarious. He says he dances when he's drunk and insisted I'll never see him dance because he's embarrassed.

Seems pretty straighforward to me.

You've never seen him drunk + He said he dances when he drinks + He doesn't want you to see him dance = he doesn't want you to see him drunk.

Ever.

You need reassure him that you won't go off on one if he gets drunk.

cnocbui

My guess would be that he doesn't invite you because he is hoping to hook up with other girls.

Orizio

How you could possibly feel like you were 'tagging' along? He is your boyfriend.

JC 2K3

Not every couple spends every moment together...

If a guy wants to go out with his friends without his girlfriend, but his girlfriend persuades him to let her come, then his girlfriend is tagging along.

honru

It seems to me your boyfriend does not want to show you his "drunk" persona; perhaps his embarrassment extends beyond a drunken dance. Either that or he simply prefers to indulge in this state without you, since you are a non-drinker and it would make his experience uncomfortable or self-monitoring. Feasible considering you are his girlfriend.

Something else in your post caught my eye:

I don't want to start an argument with him, which is exactly what will happen because once I get going, I can be really angry.

If you're prone to anger as you say, perhaps he fears you will lash out at him on these nights out? You are probably up for fun as much as he is, but if there is even the slightest possibility of some upset, he may prefer not to have to deal with it by not inviting you. Especially in a circumstance where he is inebriated and you are completely sober. Do you argue with him regularly?

My guess would be that he doesn't invite you because he is hoping to hook up with other girls.

Another possibility, the most common reason people do not invite their partners to certain events or on trips is because they seeking something elsewhere.

Lorrs33

First of all, he's not inviting me to parties. He invited me along for a drink with his friend on Tuesday evening, but we both agreed his friend might feel like a third wheel. Then he invited me to the concert with his brother.

Second of all, I don't argue with him. We've had a few disagreements. I can get irrationally angry during a fight with someone, so I just try and avoid that with my boyfriend. He's such a sweet guy, he doesn't deserve to have his head bitten off for something I overreact about.

And no, he is not looking for other girls. I've known him for years, and he's been with other girls and he never cheated on them.

Maybe it is the dancing thing. He says he's self conscious. The problem I have with the 21st is that he hasn't mentioned it, even when he was trying to come up with places to invite me along to. I guess I'm just worried because, aside from parties, we don't go a lot of places, except for each other's houses, and maybe the cinema or the leisureplex now and then

honru

The thing to do then is to talk it about it with him. Tell him that you feel left out when he doesn't invite you to parties he's going to. No one can argue your experience.

Other than that, it's a matter of partaking in activities other than social events, cinema and Leisureplex. If he's so self-conscious about dancing, then why don't you both do a salsa dancing class together? While he may or may not incorporate salsa moves on the dancefloor, the least it would do is make him more comfortable doing the activity in front of you.

There's loads of stuff you can do together. Cookery, mountain hiking, swimming, shopping, stand-up comedy events, reading aloud, yoga, cycling, painting, travelling, photography, the zoo, tapas bars, karaoke events, the Ghost Bus, art galleries, etc. etc.

Expand your horizons and missing a party won't seem like a big deal.