Boyfriend has decided he doesn't want kids

LegacyUser

Been with my boyfriend 5 years now. When we first got together he wanted children, in the last two years he has changed his mind and says he doens't personally want to bring any kids into this world. We talked about adoption and whether it would be an option for him (I was happy to go this route), at first this was a 'yes' now it's a 'maybe and I couldn't tell you when I would be ready to think about adopting.'

I don't know what to do. I always wanted children, but had compramised and thought about going down the adoption route instead. I love him to bits, but thinking if he can't committ now I really need to cut my loses and move on as much as I don't want to. We are both 35.

star-pants

As much as I dislike the thoughts of two people who love each other breaking up, having children is a strong desire for you. Something you want to have in your life. He seems to be less and less likely to even go down the adoption route. With adoption, you have to invest a year or two into the process of applying / going to sessions / being assessed etc. Is he willing to do that? And are you willing to wait until it's too late?

If you feel you wouldn't be happy living your life without children then this is a big issue between ye. You want them, he apparently doesn't. This issue will get bigger and bigger the more time goes by and the more you feel biologically under pressure.
You need to think about whether being with him with no children is what you want more than being with someone else who you love/loves you and will have children with you.
And then you'll need to have a talk with your boyfriend, without putting too much pressure, you need to let him know that if you can't have children of some description in your life with him, then you'll have to have them without him.

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

With adoption, you have to invest a year or two into the process of applying / going to sessions / being assessed etc. Is he willing to do that? And are you willing to wait until it's too late?

Thanks star-pants. this is the crux of the issue and why it has come to a decision time for me. We know a couple who have been through the adoption process and know that it was time consuming and very emotionally draining on them - worth it in the end though! At present he can't commit to whether he will want to do this in the future. I would be thinking that we would be starting this process in the next year.

It is so hard to get my brain around to thinking that we will have to split up over this. I know it's a massive issue and that it needs to dealt with. I just find it hard to think that I will have to give up on him and our life together for this. The thought of being with someone else is not appealing at the moment and of course there is the fear of not finding someone who wants to love me and have kids with me.

AARRRGH

nokids wrote: »

I really need to cut my loses and move on as much as I don't want to

I agree. The unromantic reality is you'll meet someone just as good (or better) than him, so you don't need to worry about not finding love or being alone or whatever.

I don't want children either, so I would want my partner to break up with me if she wanted them herself. It is not a nice thing to prevent someone from having kids.

Good luck.

Mr. Frost

Just to echo AARRRGH there, you deserve to be with someone who holds the same values as yourself, as regards having kids. It's a deal breaker for me to - I wouldn't stay with someone if they didn't want kids. Speak to him and tell him exactly how you feel - that maybe you shouldn't be together as kids are what you want. Maybe, maybe he'll change him mind but if not...well you should end it. Tough, but...what else can you do? Hope you get what you want either way.

Lucy Lu

nokids wrote: »

Thanks star-pants. this is the crux of the issue and why it has come to a decision time for me. We know a couple who have been through the adoption process and know that it was time consuming and very emotionally draining on them - worth it in the end though! At present he can't commit to whether he will want to do this in the future. I would be thinking that we would be starting this process in the next year.

It is so hard to get my brain around to thinking that we will have to split up over this. I know it's a massive issue and that it needs to dealt with. I just find it hard to think that I will have to give up on him and our life together for this. The thought of being with someone else is not appealing at the moment and of course there is the fear of not finding someone who wants to love me and have kids with me.

There would be no point going down the route of adoption unless you are both fully committed to it.

Star-pants summed it up very well. You will have to decide what is more important, your future with the man you love or you want for children and finding someone you can have this with.

You will have to put all your cards on the table and have a frank open discussion with your partner. Life is too short just to settle for something.

star-pants

nokids wrote: »

Thanks star-pants. this is the crux of the issue and why it has come to a decision time for me. We know a couple who have been through the adoption process and know that it was time consuming and very emotionally draining on them - worth it in the end though! At present he can't commit to whether he will want to do this in the future. I would be thinking that we would be starting this process in the next year.

It is so hard to get my brain around to thinking that we will have to split up over this. I know it's a massive issue and that it needs to dealt with. I just find it hard to think that I will have to give up on him and our life together for this. The thought of being with someone else is not appealing at the moment and of course there is the fear of not finding someone who wants to love me and have kids with me.

The thoughts of leaving someone you love is impossible. A friend of mine recently had to split with his gf of 4 years because she wanted a family and he had already had his and honestly couldn't see himself going through it again. They've both been heartbroken by it, but they dicussed it logically and at the end of the day, she wanted children and marriage and he didn't/couldn't provide that. And they both knew that this issue would arise again and again and cause resentment between them if they didn't try their separate ways. It's early days but they both know it was the right thing for them, even if they both feel horrible at being apart.

I'm not saying you have to leave your bf - but you need to think long and hard about it and have a logical discussion with him.

SunnySideUp

The issue of "to have a family or not" is too much to compromise. You need to put yourself first. If you decided to stay in this relationship and forego the idea of having children how do you think you would feel in 5/10 years time?

kizzyr

I echo what others have said here OP. If having kids is something very important to you then you shouldn't have to compromise that in order to be with someone who at 35 still isn't sure.
Also, if there is nothing to stop you physically having children can you still adopt?