Think I may have to give up on my boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi, i have being going out with my boyfriend over a year.
I knew from the start that he had some issues. He suffered from depression on and off. Sometimes things would be good, sometimes bad. I always thought i could deal with it, and that he would eventually get better. After 8 months together he went to see someone, went to numerous sessions, and we thought it was finallly over.

But tonight i had a heartbreaking conversation with him. the depression is back, and its worse then ever. He says he can never be happy, and never has been. He said he cant remember the last happy moment he had, or the last time he smiled about anything. He thinks his life is a waste, and sees no happiness in his future.
He did list out sometimes when he is actually happy (spending time with his dog, or his neice)...but he didnt mention me once!!!
He said no matter what i do, no matter how much i help him, i can never make him happy. I didnt want to come across all selfish when he said all this, because he never opens up about his feelings.
But now i am very hurt and sad, after a year together i have brought him no happiness or joy, was all the time i thought we were happy just a farce, was all the times he smiled fake?

I dont know what to do, i want to support him, but i also have to think of me, would i be selfish if i left him, was it just the depression talking? Will he ever be happy?

Im so sad right now, i dont know what to do, or how to feel?
i love him very very much, but if i cant make him happy, what is the point?

Salome

Wow, that must have been quite a slap on the face. But put it into context, he's suffering from depression. I agree though, I don't know if I could be happy if I thought I wasn't high up on my OH's happy list. Perhaps you need to ask him how he feels and then decide how you both feel about your relationship.

Redpunto

If you love him you should stay by his side - its not that YOU didnt make him happy its the fact the DEPRESSION is not making him happy.

LegacyUser

I did ask him how he felt when he was with me...and he said sometimes i make him happy, but i think he was just saying that as an after thought.

I have given him opportunities to leave, i have told him that if he cant deal with a relationship right now, then he should be on his own for a while. But he refuses to break up with me, and says he want me in his life.

Am i just a safety blanket, someone he knows will always be there. There is no one i can talk to about this, my family would tell me to leave him, my friends wouldnt know what to say.

i have never been as sad as i am now.

LegacyUser

Hey op.

Im going unreg for this.

I suffer very bad depression at times, not too often but last month was prob the worst i ever got. When im like that i cant think of anything or anyone. Its like i close off into a little world of my own. When the depression passes over me or in my case when i take anti-depressants im fine again and back to myself.

I cut all contact with friends and family when i go through this. Its not something i want to do its just something i cant help.

Maybe when your OH is feeling better have the conversation again.

PS is he on anti-depressants??? Maybe he needs change to another one?

LegacyUser

Yes i think i should stay with him, as i have dealt with all his other bouts of it.
I just think it home to me today that this might be an on going thing.

And i do love him, and i want to support him all i can. But what if i left him, maybe he could meet someone that would actually help make him a little happy, maybe im selfish for staying with him?

MonicaBing

Hey sweetie, i dated a guy with Bi Polar some years back and he was the absolute life and soul of any party etc, but without going into too much personal detail, he was nearly the end of me. I tried EVERYTHING i could think of to make him happy but in the end he wasnt happy with himself to even make an attempt to make me happy.

Please cut your losses from here, i hate saying it because its easy for me now, but darling he needs to sort himself out before he can ever think of looking into keeping you two happy together.. Its not gonna be a month thing or even a year thing, this is a long term illness with lots of understanding and support. Im sooo not saying you can't give it to him, you have been there for over a year after all, but it may be period of time where at the end you realise after all you've done, its just not going to work out between you.

Make yourself happy first, but if it involves him in your life, research all your possibilities and make sure you want to be in in for the long haul first.


Good luck with your decision making, i'll be thinking of you girl, and more power to you for asking for help..:)

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey op.

Im going unreg for this.

I suffer very bad depression at times, not too often but last month was prob the worst i ever got. When im like that i cant think of anything or anyone. Its like i close off into a little world of my own. When the depression passes over me or in my case when i take anti-depressants im fine again and back to myself.

I cut all contact with friends and family when i go through this. Its not something i want to do its just something i cant help.

Maybe when your OH is feeling better have the conversation again.

PS is he on anti-depressants??? Maybe he needs change to another one?

Thank you so much for this response.

He wont go to the doctor, so he isnt on medication. I really wish he would go. He thinks tablets would only hide the problems, and yes i know he has a point, but i wish he would just try them

Its horrible listening to your boyfriend talk all this bad stuff, i want to help him, but i feel there is nothing i can do. He said this is the lowest he has ever felt. I love in a total different country, this conversation was by phone, he lives by himself, so as you can imagine i feel very worried right now. He keeps hanging up when i ring him, because he says he fed up talking about it. So his mobile is switched of now. If this is the lowest he has felt, how do i know he wont do anything silly?

LegacyUser

OP, I hate to be harsh but you have a long hard road ahead of you with this guy.
I married a guy with issues similar to this and my life was always a struggle. I ended up being the only functioning parent to our kids..it was hell.
By all means stay with him, but if you think it's hard now you have no idea..
He is not really able to take part in the normal load sharing of a relationship. Not his fault but it's a fact.
Why put yourself with someone who will probably never give you what you crave..normal love and support.
People can say what they want but unless they have done it like me then they know nothing about it.
Oh if had made that choice years ago.........

puglover

Think of yourself first and foremost, it's all very well for people to say that you should stay with him but until you've been in that situation you just don't know.

It's early in your relationship, much too early to be condemning yourself to a life of unhappiness. Think long and hard about this, if you feel you are strong enough then by all means go ahead.

LegacyUser

Hi OP.

It must be so hard on you esp you in another country. Do you have a contact number for any of this family that you could contact and tell them your worried?

Thats not very fair him putting all this on you. If his family are aware of it maybe they could persuade him to get help?

Adelante

Hi op, I think youre not giving youself the credit that you deserve, from what I read ,you have been and are an incredible support for and to your bf, a rock.

Depression is a very complex mother... to begin with, and trying to make someone feel happy isn't always going to be of help. You are eternally walking on eggshells, in some cases its ongoing war of attrition,

I don't know if you agree with me or not but who is looking after you? Its just as tough on the carer as it is on the patient.But he's your bf not your patient.

If Im being honest, and speaking from my own humbling experience until he is in a balanced place emotionally, he may not be available to be in a relationship.My ex had to let me go, cos I was hard work.If Im being totally honest I was a complete ignorant pig.It broke my heart when she said she'd had enough, but I loved her and so I had to let her go freely and willing, for me to heal and for her to be happy.

You have nothing to feel guilty, about or sad.Its really not about you.And I know you may not think it right now, you have made him happy and brought him joy, right now he may not be able to feel those feelings or recall them.

I hope things work out for you and your bf.
With peace and love.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone. I just want to get through tonight, im an awful worrier, and i know i will be awake all night.

I have asked him to get help, for my sake, and he said no. He just keeps on talking about all the mistakes he has made, and all the regrets he has. He has a terrible fear of growing old.

Im seeing him tomorrow night, and i know he will refuse to speak about this again.

What is the best thing i can do this weekend, how do i approach the situation, what support can i give him?

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP.

It must be so hard on you esp you in another country. Do you have a contact number for any of this family that you could contact and tell them your worried?

Thats not very fair him putting all this on you. If his family are aware of it maybe they could persuade him to get help?

His family have helped him all they can, i think they would just rather pretend everything was ok, they spent a fortune getting help for him last year. Also he lives far from them, so there is no one to check in on him.

Sometimes i think he doesnt want to get help, or take medication, because at least this way he can blame everything on 'the depression', and not have to face up to the real world.

i love him so much, and if leaving him meant he would be happy, then i will do that. But he has to agree, as i dont want him to think im just abandoning him.

Adelante

Op I think you answered your own question in your last post when you said "Sometimes i think he doesnt want to get help, or take medication, because at least this way he can blame everything on 'the depression', and not have to face up to the real world." He may well be doing just that..And the weird thing is it may have become very comfortable where he is that he can't see any other way. Now here's the kicker your next line was...
"i love him so much, and if leaving him meant he would be happy, then i will do that. But he has to agree, as i dont want him to think im just abandoning him."

The irony may be that you leaving him may well be the impetus he needs to do something about it once and for all. Its a very cyclical thing -(as in bicycle someone help with my spelling Please:rolleyes:) is life and also the small D and so if you don't work on it first time round, as sure as your sitting there it'll come around ten times harder the next time until you do, do something about it.Its a funny old game is life. I don't know if this helps or not.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, perhaps you should tell your boyfriend that you would love to see him happier, and encourage him to talk to a doctor about anti-depressant medication. Medication can really help to turn depression around and improve mood. It could help to make life easier for both you and your boyfriend. Plus it will make it easier for him to confront his issues via counselling or psychotherapy.

Best Wishes!

LegacyUser

OP, there are support groups for depression in most cities - in Dublin there is Aware - www.aware.ie - who run weekly meetings where people who have depression help each other. It was very useful for me in dealing with my own depression.

Best of Luck!

Adelante

Ps -Try get some sleep, you worrying is not going to change very little if anything, if you really want to do something for him tonight.Then consider sending him some positive thoughts from your head, not your phone mind, just so we're clear:eek:,and see them reaching him where he is.Say a little prayer for the two of you.Goodnight

LegacyUser

Thank you again everybody. I pray for him all the time, and i will pray again tonight.

i always tell him i want him to be happy, i always tell him that he is the most important thing in my life,and that his happiness is my top priority.

Whenever we have fun happy times together, i will be always thinking at the back of my head, he isnt happy, this is just him acting.

I have threatened to leave him before, but he said it would be all the one, as he wouldnt change. If he is as unhappy and as miserable as he says, why cant he just take anti-depressants, imagine, a little pill could make all this better.

Im sending 5 full days and nights with him, starting tomorrow, and im actually afraid to have fun or be happy, because i will be guilty that he isnt feeling the same.

Also he isnt working at the minute (he's in the building trade), so he just sits at home wallowing and worrying, plus he says he has put on lots of weight (i cant notice it), so that just makes his self-esteem issues worse. I always pay for everything, i always do everything for him, help as much as i can, and he never acknoldges any of this.

Im actually starting to feel anger towards him, why doesnt he go to the doctor and seek help, why cant he go and look for a job, why cant he exercise??

When he is out with his friends, he is the life and soul of the party, always laughing and joking, but then when its just us...he is so bad...depressed, moody, frustrated and angry.

994

Unregistered wrote: »

But now i am very hurt and sad, after a year together i have brought him no happiness or joy, was all the time i thought we were happy just a farce, was all the times he smiled fake?

No, he WAS happy. It's just that when you're depressed, you "reinterpret" your past and decide, no, I've lost nothing because I never had anything. It's like badmouthing an ex.

I have given him opportunities to leave, i have told him that if he cant deal with a relationship right now, then he should be on his own for a while. But he refuses to break up with me, and says he want me in his life.

If he isolates himself, it'll only get worse. But what do you mean, "he refuses to break up with me"? Is he the only one who's allowed to end it?

Faith

Unregistered wrote: »

I have threatened to leave him before, but he said it would be all the one, as he wouldnt change. If he is as unhappy and as miserable as he says, why cant he just take anti-depressants, imagine, a little pill could make all this better.

Honestly, OP, I commend you wanting to stay and help him. But if I was in your position, I'd need my partner to do everything possible to help themselves. If he refused to go to the doctor and told me he wouldn't change, I don't think I could just stand by and watch. Yes, depression is cyclical and yes, it sometimes resolves itself, but if it's as bad as your boyfriend is making out then he really needs to go to the doctor. He needs something to kickstart a recovery.

I can't tell you what to do. All I can tell you is what I'd do, and I'm afraid I think I'd leave if the situation was like yours.

LegacyUser

Didnt sleep at all lastnight.
Ok, he sent me a quick email today with just...going to doctors i have a pain in my head!!!
Do you think he might tell the doctor everything?

This question is for the poeple that has suffered depression: What can i do this weekend that will help a little bit? will i just act normal and not mention it? how can i talk about it, without being too overbearing?

Normally everything is ok (so i thought), and he is a brillaint person. I suppose i have to remember depression is an illness. My mother stayed with my dad, eventhough he was an alcoholic, as she said it was a sickness he had. But he made her life hell!!

As i have said, i have given him the opportunity to leave me, and he wont. I give him this option, but i really dont want to leave him, and if he makes the decision, then there is nothing more i can do.

Im going to do alot of research now to see what im letting myself in for. If anybody know of any books or websites, please let me know.

He also said that he doesnt want childred...but i do?

do you think when i see him happy, should i just casually ask...are you feeling happy? and if its one of his good days, should i just believe him?

Annie Bananie

Hey OP, I really feel for you as I can unfortunately say "been there done that" I had a bf with a depression and anxiety attacks. He did not work, he did not do anything around the house and he did not go outside the door.

The thing is that you cant help, there is nothing you can do and it makes you go nuts and you are constantly frustrated, sad or, as you said, mad even! You dont understand why they just cant get up and fight for themselves. Dont they want a happy life? Unfortunately when you are depressed and think your life is a waste, then there is no will or no strength left. And if they dont want to change themselves, then they wont. You so want to do it for them, but noone can change their lives but themself. Ofc they can get help, but in order for that to happen, they have to want to get help.

My ex-bf was on anti-depressants and that did not help the relationship one bit I can say. He was not as depressed, true, but he became emotionally numb. He did not want to hug and kiss or snuggle, he could not see the point, it didnt give him any happy feelings from it. And yes when you are depressed, you have no interest in these things whatsoever as you have worse things on your mind. But it wears out the relationship as you do nothing what couples do.

The relationship is always about the person that is depressed, cause they dont have the strenght to care about your needs. And that too drives you nuts.

I stayed 3 years and I know now that I should have gone much sooner then that. I thought so many times to end it, but you do love the person and you do want them to be happy. Maybe they will get better? So you try and you try..and then you try again!

Breaking up was the best desition ever and we were both so much happier off on our own. He also, cause he knew he dragged me down and he felt really bad for it, even though he could not do anything about it. We are friends today and Im happy to say that he feels a lot better. He is not all well and I seriously doubt he ever will be, but a lot better.

OP, I do think he loves you and I am 100% sure you have made him happy many times and the laughs were real. Its just that he isnt happy in himself, he never is, so he cant tell you that he is.

I cant tell you what to do, but I do know that you have to think about YOU in this situation. You have to make sure YOU are happy, cause he cant!

I wish you best of luck, I honestly do!

LegacyUser

He just got back from docs, perscription for paracetamol!!

i sent him an email explaining how i feel about all this, and told him no matter what i do, i cant help, as he needs to help himself first.

Of all the people in the whole entire world, why did i fall in love with him?

star-pants

You poor thing, you've been a model girlfriend to him, all the support you're giving him.
It's unfortunate if he doesn't want to help himself. He should realise how lucky he is to have you and what he'll lose if he doesn't try to sort his life.
I hit a bump & my bf rocketed out of the relationship faster than you could say 'let me explain'. But I am trying, I'm on medication and I am seeking further help. He meant the world to me, one of the only things that made me happy, I treasured time with him.
Which makes it different to your situation because your boyfriend says he's not happy sometimes when he's with you. That must be hard to hear, but as others said, it may not be his fault.

However, I lost someone great because of it, and it's broken my heart. But I would have done anything to not cause that. And I think your bf should want to at least *try* to make himself better for you.
We can't choose who we love hun - and you can only try so hard for them. I think as you said, the email you sent explaining things to him was good. And when you're with him, maybe try and talk to him, let him know that you can't hold out forever, that he should even try talking to someone, just to see if it helps. I can understand you not wanting to leave him, you've been wonderful and supportive (which he needs) but again, only for so long if he's refusing to help himself.

LegacyUser

star-pants wrote: »

You poor thing, you've been a model girlfriend to him, all the support you're giving him.
It's unfortunate if he doesn't want to help himself. He should realise how lucky he is to have you and what he'll lose if he doesn't try to sort his life.
I hit a bump & my bf rocketed out of the relationship faster than you could say 'let me explain'. But I am trying, I'm on medication and I am seeking further help. He meant the world to me, one of the only things that made me happy, I treasured time with him.
Which makes it different to your situation because your boyfriend says he's not happy sometimes when he's with you. That must be hard to hear, but as others said, it may not be his fault.

However, I lost someone great because of it, and it's broken my heart. But I would have done anything to not cause that. And I think your bf should want to at least *try* to make himself better for you.
We can't choose who we love hun - and you can only try so hard for them. I think as you said, the email you sent explaining things to him was good. And when you're with him, maybe try and talk to him, let him know that you can't hold out forever, that he should even try talking to someone, just to see if it helps. I can understand you not wanting to leave him, you've been wonderful and supportive (which he needs) but again, only for so long if he's refusing to help himself.

thank you for taking the time to write the above.

Sometimes he says if i left him, he wouldnt care, as it would be one less thing to worry about, and then he says he doesnt want to loose me. But eitherway, he claims that it wont affect him - out of site out of mind.
So in a way i want to leave him, and shock him into getting help, but what if we dont get back together.

I havent seen him in two weeks, so instead of looking forward to spending this weekend with him, im dreading it. He hasnt replied to my email either.

Maybe he doesnt love me, and just sees me as someone that is there, someone to take out his anger on. he can be verbally abusive when he is in one of his moods, nothing too bad, but it can be very hurtful.
I think after this weekend i might give each of us a bit of space, maybe he would be better of alone, and maybe i am the cause of this sometimes.

Does all this sound very selfish, maybe i should just forget about my feelings for a while, and concentrate on him?

star-pants

Unregistered wrote: »

thank you for taking the time to write the above.

Sometimes he says if i left him, he wouldnt care, as it would be one less thing to worry about, and then he says he doesnt want to loose me. But eitherway, he claims that it wont affect him - out of site out of mind.
So in a way i want to leave him, and shock him into getting help, but what if we dont get back together.

I havent seen him in two weeks, so instead of looking forward to spending this weekend with him, im dreading it. He hasnt replied to my email either.

Maybe he doesnt love me, and just sees me as someone that is there, someone to take out his anger on. he can be verbally abusive when he is in one of his moods, nothing too bad, but it can be very hurtful.
I think after this weekend i might give each of us a bit of space, maybe he would be better of alone, and maybe i am the cause of this sometimes.

Does all this sound very selfish, maybe i should just forget about my feelings for a while, and concentrate on him?

I do understand how you're feeling - it's not easy when he's not really letting you in. Saying that it won't matter to him if you leave is probably untrue, but if he refuses to get help he'll be too down to even feel what he should about you. I don't know if he does or doesn;t love you. Some have said here that when they were in the midst of it all it was hard to feel things. Which is true.
I've felt so numb at times, that I pulled away from friends, because I couldn't deal with it, I didn't have the energy to put on a happy face for them (even though they would have understood if i didnt). But with my ex I felt like I could deal with anything, that he made things better.

You don't sound selfish at all hun - you've been trying your hardest and it's not easy dealing with this, I find it hard to deal with myself! And you've done all you can bar dragging him to the doctor. At this point you need to tell him how you feel, and that if he doesn't start trying for himself that you can't stand by and watch. It;s not fair on you, giving so much love and energy and he won't even try for you. Maybe time apart will help him - to realise what he's missing.
Don't for a second ever thing that you're a cause of any of this hun - it's far from anything to do with you and you've been great through this. But there has to be a line hun, and you may have to make it. *hugs*

LegacyUser

I have been in this position before and it's not easy. My boyfriend has suffered from depression for a long time, it comes and goes throughout the year but is at it's worst in the winter months. We've been together for over three years and I left him for a time when things were very bad. I just couldn't cope anymore at the time and took everything he was saying to me to heart. I used to feel that he didn't care about me and some of the nasty comments similar to the ones you're experiencing now really affected my self esteem.

I just wanted to say that none of this is your fault nor does it necessaily reflect how he feels about you. You are probably the closest person to him and therefore will be a target when things are bad. I remember my boyfriend telling me after once bad persiod of depression that at one stage he wanted to be alone so much and not engage in anything that he used to try and push me away all the time, he even made things up to try and hurt me. This sounds very negative but there is an upside... once this period of depression passes you will be able to see how he really feels. You're choice is to reamin in the relationship until he is better or to get out now. Nobody can advise you on this choice, it depends on lots of different circumstances.

I do know from my own situation that when you are depressed you cannot see the bigger picture, depression is a form of self obsession. Nobody else comes into the equation for the short-term, and that is very difficult to deal with. All the emails, letters and conversations where you bear your soul and try to turn things around will not make any difference if he is in a bad state. Only time will help him overcome it, and possibly you if you can deal with it. While I left for a time and it did not make a difference, once he came through the bad patch he was able to talk about it and put things into perspective. When he talked first and opened up properly I was able to finally say all the things he had not being listening to all along and he finally listened in a way that he was not able to do before. It was only then that I was able to make my decision about staying with him, and things have been great since as we are treating his depression together. Sometimes we have tough days but I know the signs now and help him control it. I love him to bits and I know he loves and appreciates me more than ever.

Every situation is different. Your boyfriend has been through a bad time losing his job etc but also you are only responsible for yourself at the moment and if this is too much for you then you can always cut your loses and move on. Never feel that you are being selfish. You have to mind yourself because at the moment as he may have nothing to give you. However in my opinion the fact that you are the only one he is talking to about this speaks volumes, I'm sure you mean more to him than you know.

Mind yourself x

Laivasse

There have been a lot of good posts that have offered better advice than I'm able to, but I just wanted to expand upon one point unregistered made above me.

Unregistered wrote: »

However in my opinion the fact that you are the only one he is talking to about this speaks volumes, I'm sure you mean more to him than you know.

Mind yourself x

I think this is very important. OP it seems like you are blaming yourself for a lot of this stuff, when it's possible you're interpreting it a little backwards, and that you're worrying unduly over some facets which shouldn't worry you so much.

The fact that he is the life and soul when he is with his friends, but then acts miserable around you, does not at all mean that you make him feel miserable. It sounds like he feels comfortable and loved enough around you that he wants to let his true anxieties out, whereas with his friends he may be covering it up in fear. I'm quite certain that his past happinesses with you were genuine, but in the grip of irrational depression he's probably questioning the authenticity of every positive emotion he can ever remember feeling.

That doesn't mean his happiness was a pretense, just that he's now so self-absorbed, so self-sabotaging that he can't see he's rewriting history. I don't suffer from depression myself, per se, but I am a quite depressive person when things get on top of me and I have a glimpse of what this can be like.

Nevertheless it sounds like he is taking you for granted. It really is up to you how much you want to put yourself through. But if you realise that it is NOT you who is causing any of this, it might give you the stamina to stick with him long enough to get him to try some meds. On the other hand, maybe you leaving would be the sharp shock he requires. I really don't know, sorry; I just wanted to try and reassure you that you aren't at fault for any aspect of his current misery, and that your happy memories are, IMO, entirely trustworthy.

LegacyUser

Hello, OP here, thank you again for all these replies.

I have spent the weekend with him, and it was really nice, he seemed in good form, and we had some really good times.

During the week he lives on his own (in a small town, with no friends or family), and at weekends he either with me, or his family and friends, or both. We had a 'brief' discussion about all this, but he made it clear that he didnt really want to speak about stuff, but he told me he was happy (genuinely happy) during the weekend, and that he didnt mean i didnt make him happy, he just said that when he is feeling as bad as he did last week, these good times just get forgotten. And he did say he takes me for granted sometimes, as in, knowing i will always be there for him, and stick by him through whatever, and this alone helps him through some days.

I think i will just have to take it week by week, he is moving back to his home town in a few weeks, so at least he wont be on his own too much.

This weekend has been very good, alot like old times, so when the bad days come again i will just think back to the good things and his good days.

Oh, we bought a semi self-help book this weekend called F**k It, i would recommend it, and he has started to read it already.

A big thank you to everyone, you's all helped me through a bad time last week xx