Would this be a crazy/stalkerish thing to do?

LegacyUser

Hi all, really need some advice on this one please!
I have been in a long distance relationship with a guy since Oct. Due to the fact that his only transport is a motorbike and I have no car there have been some weekends that he could not travel to see me as it involves driving over very high icy roads and some nights it was too icy. We have been friends a long time,and dated many years (15+) ago when we were much younger. Anyhoo we talk a lot on phone, IM etc. and things were going great and when we meet we get on like a house on fire.
Now he has an ex who lives very close to him and they work together, they never had a big dramatic break up, just more a gradual parting (he says). I have never met her as we meet mostly in my hometown. Recently he said he was at her house, said he collected some of his stuff.When I asked him he said he still goes over there sometimes and that they are still friends. He says he is afraid of falling out with her as she is senior to him at work.When we started seeing each over he told me she and he were finished.
Now I told him I wasn't comfortable with this friendship, and also had issues with her e.g she calls him 20 times in 1 hour sometimes when we are together. He hasn't told her we are together,but I now get hang-ups and had to change my mobile because she left obsene messages on it.
When I told him this he said she has a drink problem and does that when drunk. Now at first I felt sorry for this girl, thought she might just be having trouble letting go.
But the thing is now I am starting to think maybe it's NOT over between them at all.
Some of her messages have been a long the lines of " well I will just keep on f*****g him,
he is can see who he wants but he's mine".
She lives right near him and I am miles away and it is melting my head.
I told him I could not handle it anymore,that I didn't sign up for any drama and I felt I had to split from him.
Since then he has called and called on phone.I spoke to him ,and he said he had felt so scared that he had to have a few drinks before he rang. Each time I have told him the problem is the ex and he has said he understands this but that he can't get rid of her and she arrives over at his house drunk at 2am some nights. He says she will cause trouble at work and he is scared for his job but he wants/loves me.
I have told him that he is still involved on some level and that going to her house is making it worse.Now I am thinking back to the "icy nights" and wondering was he over there?
My point after this loooong story is : should I go to his hometown and surprise him at the weekend? My crazy logic is that if he is at her house at night (and I see it with my own eyes)then I will know one way or the other. I am a sort of hell at the min...who do I believe? Could she be as mad as he says or am I a thick eejit with a cheating BF?
Sorry for the big long novel. If you're still awake can you offer some advice PLEASE?

bicardi19

Right first off I wouldnt turn up unannounced.
How much do you actually like this guy is he worth the worry?

Do you really believe that she is turning up drunk at his house at 2 in the morning and he is not willing to do the dirty? sorry if this sounds unhelpful but it all sounds a little suspicious to me. What is your gut?

LegacyUser

Thanks, I really like him a lot but it does seem very suss to me.
I have no way of knowing for sure though and this is stopping me moving on.

TheZohanS

bicardi19 wrote: »

Right first off I wouldnt turn up unannounced.
How much do you actually like this guy is he worth the worry?

Do you really believe that she is turning up drunk at his house at 2 in the morning and he is not willing to do the dirty? sorry if this sounds unhelpful but it all sounds a little suspicious to me. What is your gut?

+1

Sounds very suspect alright.

If she calls 20 times in 1hr then you have a serious issue here.

Plus he hasn't told her you're together?!

Why is he hiding it from her?
You can be certain that this situation has nothing to do with where he works and her being his superior.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Sounds like you've stepped onto the set of Coronation Street :O

I'd avoid, to be honest. Or else make him either choose you or her. People can judge that for all they like, but simply put, she has no business being in his life the way she is.

clones1980

TBH i think once there is such a distance between the two of ye you will always be wondering what is he at, where is he tonight and who is he with etc.

Obviously he deserves the benefit of the doubt but as long as she is a part of this life then you will always be left wondering.

Redpunto

If he wants to be with you he will break all contact with this woman - his choice
You or her

PCPhoto

just wondering - if she was calling you ...how did she get your phone number ? (from him ???)

if she's in his workplace and he was involved with her previously then he's got a problem.

I think that maybe you should go over to his place some weekend - does he live alone or with family or housemates ? at least then your questions will be answered - but be prepared to leave in a hurry if things are not the way you want them to be.

I think you need to find out whats going on - so you can better understand what you want to do ...... I do think that you might consider leaving the guy and his problems (its not your fault if he's still in contact with his EX so why should you suffer because of it.)

its possible that he's telling the truth and he's a really nice guy and being a friend to his EX - but its also possible that he's still sleeping with her.

LegacyUser

Hi again,
he lives alone in his own place. As for the phone number,when he got my number years ago he and I would exhange the odd innocent txt ("happy new year" kind of thing)and he was with her at the time and I was with someone else too..so I assumed that she got it then.

The not knowing is the hard part. I know I like enough to allow myself be convinced by him, so that's why I need to see for myself. He is the kind who avoids confrontation, has a laid back attitude in general.

Craft25

no you shouldn't surprise him, you should get real and realise what he is doing.. screwing two women (if not more)..

give him an ultimatum of everything you want from him, and if he doesn't provide those responses to your needs - then dump him!!

What is the point in being with someone if they dont give you what you need and ask for?? Any excuses about work issues or anything else smells like that stuff that comes from a bulls as.s!!

Lorrs33

If you feel that surprising him will settle your worries, then by all means, do so. But I think you should be prepared for the worst. Good luck!

adzer86

How come she is calling you a doing hang ups on you if he says he hasnt told her about you???

Ironé

I know easier said than done but my advise would be to walk away. Tell him that once this woman is out of his life that you'd be interested in seeing him but until that happens it can't work.

There are too many holes in his story. I know its not easy but you deserve better than this. Don't waste your time with someone who is that spineless. Sorry if that sounds harsh but honestly is it really worth all this pain? There are a lot of great men out there.

cantdecide

If he claims to be serious about your relationship, I hope he isn't hiding behind the 'can't afford a car' thing because to run a modern bike costs more or less the same as running a car of similar value. Sorry for being boring but if it sounds like a lame excuse, then it might be...

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

thanks to everyone for the advice and input, you guys have been the voice of reason when my head was melting...

I thought about what everyone said and as painful as it is I have decided to break away from this man. I had a week of hardly able to sleep, he sent me several texts asking me if I am seeing someone else etc. In the end I rang him yesterday and gave it to him straight..told him I thought his calling to the other woman was not on and that I did not believe his BS. He apologised and asked me could he call me later after work, I lost the head a bit(ashamed to say) and hung up on him.

He didn't ring later(surprise,surprise) and there is no answer on his phone.
Today I emailed him, I apologised for chewing him out but told him I want no part in his triangle with the other woman. I told him I will be seeing other men and if/when he sorts out what he wants he can give me a call later on down the road.

Feel really stupid and used now.
Thanks everyone, you really helped x

Ironé

I think you did the right thing. It was a really hard thing to do I'm sure so fair play to you. It'll get easier with time and you will meet someone else.

cantdecide

Don't beat yourself up, OP. You're not foolish as long as you take action...

Enjoy your self respect and good luck finding someone wonderful...

bicardi19

good for you. You deserve to have someone to shower you with affection and make youfeel special and loved. Thats what a good relationship is all about.
Best of luck for the future now you're able to get on with life!

irishsancho

Unregistered wrote: »

I told him I will be seeing other men and if/when he sorts out what he wants he can give me a call later on down the road.

You shouldn't have told him that, it sounds like "I will wait for you".

Do yourself a favour; cut off ties and ignore him completely.

Redpunto

Well done you - you deserve to find someone who will treat you with respect

Miss Fluff

Sounds to me like this guy is still involved with her. Also sounds like she is a complete and utter bunny boiler. You are best off out of it OP, nothing worse than trying to conduct a relationship when there is no trust there. Move on girl.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone OP here,
Thanks for the advice, the upshot is even worse than I thought..
He txted me then insisted that I go on messenger last night to talk to him..he kept txting so I thought I would talk to him and lay it out to him that it was finished.. well you couldn't make up what happened next: I went on MSN with webcam, he then said he had told her "that he loves me" but he "loves her too"..he NEVER broke up with her! She has figured out something is wrong because he got upset after I told him we were finished.
I told him that he has lied and lied since Oct '08.. that she now thinks that it's ME who's chasing him! I almost threw up I was so upset..he has been seeing me since October and it was one big lie.
I told him he could have been honest from the start, we would at least have saved a 18year friendship. I cannot understand why or how he was able to carry out this charade..he even talked about marriage to me.
I told him that I felt sorry for his GF, he broke down crying saying he loves me and (this is the best part) he wants me to relax and we will eventually be together!! During this whole conversation his GF was ringing him for the 3 hours(it was past 1am)..
then I got him to talk to me on the landline deliberately and after an hour on the phone(with webcam still on) his front door opens and his GF is standing there with a key to his house! She couldn't get through on the landline so was checking up on him and I could hear her say "don't tell me you are talking to that bleep bleep".
I have been awake half the night turning this over and over..the weekends he came down to see me were every 2nd weekend and the GF has shared custody of her kids so it is dawning on me that the weekends he saw me were the ones when she had her kids.
He talked to me for hours almost daily for months and I cannot for the life of me see how he was fitting in the GF? I am so shell shocked and dazed that he could ask me not to go out with any other man even now when I know about the GF.
I feel there is something wrong with him , I have only ever had one other relationship that was very abusive and he's the first man I have ever trusted since. It sickens me the things he said last night about not wanting me to be with anyone else. He was not like this years ago at all. He has been some years in the Iraq war and I think he is not right in the head, but what is worrying is that I DID NOT spot it for so long.
Sorry for the ramble, I am just devastated.

MoveOn

Post removed

cantdecide

He sounds amazing...

Unregistered wrote: »

....I feel there is something wrong with him....

You can now look forward to not finding out if you're right. Look after your own mental health first and foremost. Get support from family and friends and don't be too distrustful of men, we're not all untrustworthy...

Innervision

It's such a horrible thing to happen, but try be thankful it all came out now rather than later down the line