Over-bearing gran

LegacyUser

I have 2 children age 3yrs and 6 mths, My mother is making my life hell. She has accused me of not feeding my girls properly ( both are healthy and the perfect weight for their age and height) she questions my girls being pale and says i must be doing something wrong they are perfectly healthy, she also questions me having my 3yrold tidy up her own toys (anyone would think i had her doing proper housework) she questions every part of my life down to the fact when my oh and me cant get a baby sitter to go out together one will sit in while the other goes out she said we shouldnt be doing this as we will start looking for other people if we keep doing this. i just cant really cope with her nonsense anymore when i confront her about it she says it must be post natal depression making me too sensitive to what she says but its constant if i dont answer my phone she will send either my dad or a nearby relative will just happen to drop in and my mum will ring them so she can talk to me and give her new thought for the day. has any experienced this and what did you do about it? I have joked to my partner about moving to another county but i am seriously considering it at this stage

Victor

I suspect she is only looking out for whats best, but is perhaps zealous and negative in the way she expresses it.

need advice wrote: »

when my oh and me cant get a baby sitter to go out together one will sit in while the other goes out she said we shouldnt be doing this as we will start looking for other people if we keep doing this.

Assuming she's physically up to it, this sounds like the point where you get her to babysit, so you can go off on a nice romantic weekend.

Xterminator

i hope it helped to get that off your chest.

I am going to guess that it his mother. If it was your mum, im sure you would just stand up to her.

my sister had the exact some problem. in her case she told the husband what was going on, and that it wasn't acceptable. he took his mum aside in private (to spare her feelings as best it could be done). he told her she was out of line and wouldn't be welcome in his home until she mended her ways.

It was done by him because it his mum.

it took a few weeks, but she came round and now she is actually a great help, babysitting etc.

If you are living in her home, you will have to be prepared to move out. he can tell her if it doesn't stop you will have to move out, even if its financially a bad move.

from her perspective, she thinks she doing good. its just boundaries need to be set, and adhered to. if its done respectfully and in private, she should come around.

Nervous Wreck

Xterminator wrote: »

I am going to guess that it his mother. If it was your mum, im sure you would just stand up to her.

Nope...

need advice wrote: »

My mother is making my life hell.

O.P. you basically have to just have it out with her. They're your kids and, as such, your responsibility. She's not the parent so she should clam up. If someone drops around at her request, tell them they're not welcome in if they're just there to facilitate her intrusion. Tell her the same.

Zaph

Xterminator wrote: »

i hope it helped to get that off your chest.

I am going to guess that it his mother. If it was your mum, im sure you would just stand up to her.

my sister had the exact some problem. in her case she told the husband what was going on, and that it wasn't acceptable. he took his mum aside in private (to spare her feelings as best it could be done). he told her she was out of line and wouldn't be welcome in his home until she mended her ways.

It was done by him because it his mum.

it took a few weeks, but she came round and now she is actually a great help, babysitting etc.

If you are living in her home, you will have to be prepared to move out. he can tell her if it doesn't stop you will have to move out, even if its financially a bad move.

from her perspective, she thinks she doing good. its just boundaries need to be set, and adhered to. if its done respectfully and in private, she should come around.

The OP quite clearly states that it is her own mother

StroppySu

She probably thinks she is just giving advice and is being helpful and hasnt realised how hurtful it is for you.

I would take her aside and calmly talk to her and explain how what she says makes you feel. Ask her how she would have felt if her own mother did that when she was raising you. A bit of perspective should help her see that she needs to rein it in a bit.

Pebkac

Victor wrote: »

I suspect she is only looking out for whats best, but is perhaps zealous and negative in the way she expresses it.Assuming she's physically up to it, this sounds like the point where you get her to babysit, so you can go off on a nice romantic weekend.

I would say the mother is more jealous and can't let control go. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms to lay off or suffer the consequences. Just my tuppence

taram

She probably doesn't realise what she's doing, you could make a note of what she says, and how you're dealing with it, and then discuss it? She should hopefully see you're right. If she says 'oh, they're pale' ask her what she'd do about it, if she responds 'i'd give them veg etc' then explain to her (as camly as you can) in fact, you did give them veg, and that they are the perfect weight and height. She might just not see the truth in front of her face until you point it out.

CDfm

I have had the same sort of probs with my parents and to some extent still do.

My mother has just invited herself to stay and my g/f has just refered to her as an interfering old bat.Im divorced and all i will hear about is my sons leaving cert mocks -groan groan groan- very upsetting as his education is something i have no input too.

The point is at my age I should be able to say when i am busy and when she is welcome but i havent learned that skill. So tomorrow I will be laying down rules of whats allowed and when she should leave. Her visit is not convenient because of work.

I am really dreading her visit and would prefer if she didnt come.

Beruthiel

need advice wrote: »

I have 2 children age 3yrs and 6 mths, My mother is making my life hell.

You're mother clearly doesn't know where 'the line' is.
You are going to have to take the bull by the horns and have a chat with her.
Tell her you love and appreciate her. But - you are now an adult, you will make your own decisions and mistakes from now on.
She is to bite her tongue in the future and keep her opinions to herself unless you ask for them.
I understand that this is not going to be easy, but while you allow her to behave as she does right now, she will always consider you a child who needs guidence.

CDfm

i dont disagree.

but what I think is you need any ally here probably your husband and ask him in front of her if he thinks you are a good mother.

My own parents are very thick skinned and it may be that you need to embarrass her into good behavior.

niallb

Good advice there from Nervous Wreck and Beruthiel.

Everyone goes through this to some extent. This already has over 400 views, so it must be ringing bells!
It sounds like you live close by, which makes the problems more immediate,
but maybe easier to deal with. if she's that involved, how come she's not
making it possible for you and your partner to go out the odd time?

They're your kids, and it's your home. If you ever in your life heard the words
"while you're under my roof", now is the time to fire them back at her.
You're recovering from a recent child birth, with another young child to look after,
and it doesn't take Post Natal Depression to make that a hard time.

You have to talk to her soon before you end up with a ruined relationship for the future.
You're too stressed out and too busy at home to do it, so you'd be better off doing that elsewhere.

You mention taking it in turns with your partner to go out the odd night.
Take one of those nights out with your Mum and have a chat.
When's the last time you spent some time with her that the kids and the pressure weren't a part of it?
Pick a place she likes and goes to regularly, as she'll be more comfortable
and far less likely to fly off the handle! It's worth a shot, but you need to
be prepared to tell her to stay out of your house until she's ready to play
by your house rules. You've got the grandkids - she'll listen.

You'll need to tell her that sending your dad or another relative around
or trying to get them involved will result in them being filled in completely
on what you've ased her to do and why. That's not fair.

Finally, good on you for the tidying up toys bit.
Much easier to teach a three year old to do it than a sixteen year old.
They don't have to be spotless, just make it part of the day.
You'll all be happier people!

If she's ringing you constantly, perhaps you could just get into the habit of suggesting a time to meet her and hanging up. It's probably convenient for her to sit on the phone to you, but hardly for you.

tbh

Beruthiel wrote: »

You're mother clearly doesn't know where 'the line' is.
You are going to have to take the bull by the horns and have a chat with her.
Tell her you love and appreciate her. But - you are now an adult, you will make your own decisions and mistakes from now on.
She is to bite her tongue in the future and keep her opinions to herself unless you ask for them.
I understand that this is not going to be easy, but while you allow her to behave as she does right now, she will always consider you a child who needs guidence.

very good advice, you should also point out that you learned your child-rearing skills from her.