Mother's reaction to sex

LegacyUser

Ok, well this is a bit of a long winded one, but here goes.

I started seeing my current boyfriend in October of last year. We were deeply passionate about one another, but we refrained from sex. This was either due to us not discussing it or just not finding the right moment to even think of it.

As time went on, we became far more in love and he decided to invite me out to The George (FYI, I'm gay) one particular night, that resulted in me having tostay at his as I had no feasible way of getting to my house that night. We came back home that night, and after some time we decided to take that step. It was, at the time, fantastic. I enjoyed it and so did he.

Now, I was raised Catholic and my mum still holds Catholic values, so sex really isn't discussed in my home at all. My mum didn't think of me being gay as a sin, as I explained to her that I never chose to be this way, "God made me" and that was that. She never once denied that to me and still doesn't.

Last night, she phoned me while I was here in college I said I would be visiting my boyfriend tomorrow night (which is tonight, Wednesday) and I said I'd only be going at 9 or 10 o'clock, as that's the earliest time both me and him are free. I said I'd be staying tonight to which she asked "Are you sleeping together?". I did deny it, just to avoid confrontation, but she asked again and I said yeah. She immediately began shouting down the phone to me: "Your gran would be turning over in her grave....", "Your whole family have waited until they got married...", etc. She made me feel like ****, and anything I said didn't register with her.

I was fairly distressed during the call, and I had no apology to give her. I did it, it was a sin and I accepted that. She was distraught, as was I. I felt for the first time that my mother didn't want me in her life. And that thought scared me so much that I was up all night thinking about it.

I don't feel that I can go to my bf's house now, I'm not in the right frame of mind to. But I also feel that if I explain why I can't, he'll thnk strange of me. I don't regret losing my virginity to the man I love, but what I do regret is making a choice when I was brought up all my life to believe this choice was "immoral". My mum won't look at me in the same way, which gives me a huge sense of guilt when initially I did feel guilty.

I will be going home tomorrow, but to what atmosphere I don't know. I can't afford to leave home, but I don't want to face further confrontation either.

If anyone could offer any advice or support, I really would appreciate it. I feel like absolute s*** right now

LegacyUser

There is no god, catholicism is nonsense. Enjoy yourself and be happy.

Storm_rages

Hi Op,

I can't really be of any help to you, other then to say you did nothing wrong.
My father is very religious and he found it very hard we my boyfriend (now husband) moved in to my house. In time when he got to know him it did become easier.

It can take parents time to get use to seeing their children grown up (gay or straight) and i guess your mum is confused. She will (hopefully) see that you are the same person, the one she loves and get over her shock.

Above all remember you did nothing wrong.

bp1989

Why do you care so much what your mother thinks? Things were very different when she was growing up than they are today. You're doing what people your age do, and if she has a problem with that, that's her problem.

It's none of her business who you sleep with anyway, she shouldn't be asking you those questions in the first place. Next time she asks, say "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies".

Oh The Humanity

Unregistered wrote: »

Last night, she phoned me while I was here in college I said I would be visiting my boyfriend tomorrow night (which is tonight, Wednesday) and I said I'd only be going at 9 or 10 o'clock, as that's the earliest time both me and him are free. I said I'd be staying tonight to which she asked "Are you sleeping together?". I did deny it, just to avoid confrontation, but she asked again and I said yeah.

This is the point where you should have told her to mind her own business. What you get up to between the sheets is none of her business

Unregistered wrote: »

She immediately began shouting down the phone to me: "Your gran would be turning over in her grave....", "Your whole family have waited until they got married...", etc. She made me feel like ****, and anything I said didn't register with her.

How dare she shout at you, seriously, where are your ba!!s man? Never let anyone get away with abusing you.

As for her believing the whole family waited till they got married, she needs to get out of cloud cuckoo land, with her archaic, dictatorial views its no wonder none of them admitted to sleeping together before marriage PFFFFTTTT!!!

Unregistered wrote: »

I was fairly distressed during the call, and I had no apology to give her.

Why would you imagine you needed to give her an apology?

Unregistered wrote: »

I did it, it was a sin and I accepted that.

You went wrong there. The concept of 'sin' is a construct that was created by the church, to keep the masses in line.

Unregistered wrote: »

She was distraught, as was I. I felt for the first time that my mother didn't want me in her life. And that thought scared me so much that I was up all night thinking about it.

She is using guilt to manipulate you and you are letting her. What she is doing is deeply wrong. That was your first sexual experience, it is a lovely and special thing. She has just pi$$ed all over it with her ignorance and selfishness.

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't feel that I can go to my bf's house now, I'm not in the right frame of mind to. But I also feel that if I explain why I can't, he'll thnk strange of me. I don't regret losing my virginity to the man I love, but what I do regret is making a choice when I was brought up all my life to believe this choice was "immoral".

Listen, it sounds like you blindly accepted the brainwashing as you were growing up, well, thats over now. Now is time for reality. You are gay, you have sex, there is nothing wrong with that. It is to be celebrated, not connected with any kind of shame or prehistoric catholic bull.

Unregistered wrote: »

My mum won't look at me in the same way, which gives me a huge sense of guilt when initially I did feel guilty.

I will be going home tomorrow, but to what atmosphere I don't know. I can't afford to leave home, but I don't want to face further confrontation either.

If anyone could offer any advice or support, I really would appreciate it. I feel like absolute s*** right now

I would get a part time job and find a share. You've got to fight fire with fire. There are no perfect answers in life. You are becoming an adult and you are going to have a sex life, you cannot be guilty about that.

Unpleasant as it is that you Ma is carrying on like a cavewoman you are going to have to let her see, she cannot manipulate you and push you around under the guise of some hypocritical religion.

Dont let her intimidate you, stand strong. Stay with your fella tonight. Dont let her pi$$ on that.

cantdecide

I think that despite what she says, maybe your being gay bothers her on some level.

For everyone's sanity, try not to let anyone push the nuclear button. Society has changed in the blink of an eye and some still do hang onto views that to most have deemed outmoded in a modern world. She can't expect you to live to the same 'standards' as your gran did.

Be prepared to put some room between you and her/ them for a while if need be because she will come around eventually.

Jimmy Bottlehead

I'm straight and my mother still hit the roof when me and my ex-girlfriend went away two years ago. We were both 20 and going out a few months - booked a trip to Paris, and the mother went mad when she found out we were sharing a bed.

But quite honestly - my folks can piss off if they think I'll live my life for them. It was never an issue after. In fact they just accept it with my present girlfriend too. They won't let us sleep together in their house, but they accept that it's our choice elsewhere.

Putting it bluntly, if you got hit by a car today, and were lying on your deathbed, your mother would forget completely about your sex life and sin and so on. You're what matters to her. Remind her of that.

And I agree with the above - religion is a load of nonsense invented by people who are too insecure and uncertain of things in life, and so need some age-old space god who appears every sunday to let people drink his 2000 year old blood.

Watch the movie Religulous, really shows religion for the load of codswallop it is.

LegacyUser

I don't actually believe in sin... there are actions good and bad and you decide upon what they are.

Sleeping with someone is your business, not you mother's and if you live your life by someone else's rules then you will never be happy.

I went through something similar in my late teens (I'm straight) and my mother made sure to point out to me that condoms do not work rather than bring me up with a healthy attitude towards sex... and to this day it still has an effect on me.

Enjoy your body - cos if there is a God, then I'm sure he'd want you to make the most of it.

Faith

Your mum accepts that you're gay and have a boyfriend, which is great. But she surely knows that gay marriage is not yet legal in Ireland, so how can she expect you to wait until marriage? Are you sure that she really accepts that you are gay, and it's how you'll always be? Does she maybe think it's a phase you'll grow out of?

My parents had a real problem with it the first night I told them I was staying at my boyfriends house. I still did it though, and did it again even though they objected. You need to be an adult about this, and live your life as you want to, without your mother dictating how things should and shouldn't be. Parents have an awful habit of interferring under the guise of being helpful; you need to learn when to ignore what they're saying.

axer

I have a feeling that possibly your mother thinks the gay thing is just a phase and is shocked then to find there is more to it.

You are better off being honest with your bf - im sure it is a common enough problem that gay men/women suffer with in Ireland and is no reflection of you.

RHunce

Just explain to her that in the day and age people participate in pre marital sex

And also i dont think gay people can marry at the mo? just explain that to her to and ask did she expect you never to have sex

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I did it, it was a sin and I accepted that.

I'm an atheist and consider religion to be on a par with Santa, so you may wish to take my comments with a pinch of salt.

It is NOT a sin to love someone.
It is NOT a sin to have sex.
Nothing 'bad' will happen to you as a result of this.
If you are gay, how does your mother expect you to get married exactly? Last time I checked, there are very few places which actually allow this.
It's time to tell your mother to either take you as you are or not at all. Her choice.

I felt for the first time that my mother didn't want me in her life. And that thought scared me so much that I was up all night thinking about it.

Can I ask you why?
I'm pretty sure I would put a lot of space between myself and someone who would be that judgemental of me.

but what I do regret is making a choice when I was brought up all my life to believe this choice was "immoral".

It is not 'immoral'
Murdering someone is immoral.
Making love to someone you love is wonderful. End of.
I cannot believe that in this day and age there are people who still ruin their lives and the lives of others by comming out with that crap.

If anyone could offer any advice or support, I really would appreciate it. I feel like absolute s*** right now

No offence, but take a long hard look at why you still think this way.
I understand your mother has brainwashed you with regards to religion. Mine did too. But there comes a point where you have to think at length on what is and isn't an immoral act. Decide for yourself. Do not be dictated to.

MeMyself&I

UH oh, poor you. so your mother doesnt mind if your gay, brilliant, good, grand, that is a start. But she is old fashion, and her religious views are that sex before marraige is wrong, you cant change her views. Maybe you just have said no, you hadnt had sex, you wanted to wait. That would have kept everyone happy.

Im 28, and my mother probably still thinks im a virgin (even though she collects my Pill in the chemist for me ), she refuses to let my boyfriend sleep in my room, she barely even lets him into it during the day, but unfortunately, her house, her rules. I stay in house most weekends...and she thinks its seperate bedrooms!!!

Now just to keep a happy atmosphere i let her keep thinking what she thinks.

But you told her, so this has to be sorted. just go home, tell her you never want to discuss anything like that again, and you felt she put you in a akward postion by asking. Never bring it up again, and im sure she will forget about it in time, so dont worry, go home and act normal.

And if you love your boyfriend, continue you to stay in his house, and if your mum questions you again, just say ' i do not wish to discuss this'.

She's an Irish catholic mammy...be glad she accepts that you are gay!!!

Oh The Humanity

I have a feeling.... reading between the lines that the Ma in question might not actually accept OP is gay.

You often hear of people who think being gay is 'a phase' that 'young people' go through. Its almost like she thought OP's boyfriend was just a friend, notice how she only flipped out when he told her they were sleeping together.

She may well have been in denial about him being gay and thought, well they dont spend the night together, they are obviously just friends and 'going through a phase' or 'confused' etc

I say that because its rare enough to find a woman young enough to have a son at college but who also thinks sex before marriage is wrong and believes all her other kids went up the aisle virgins so she must be ultra conservative, so Im not sure she really 'got' that OP was actually gay before this, its like the pennys only dropped with her now.

Wagon

I'm all for respecting parents in most circumstances, but in this scenario i would stand up and tell her to **** off with herself. Religion and the "values" it says you should live by with regards to sex (and almost everything else) is absolute bollocks. you don't believe in it and that's grand, she has no right to force these things on you.

to be honest, I'd say she has some problem with you being gay. It's not her fault as such, she was raised that way. What is her fault is that she isn't willing to change it around and respect your values. You have done nothing wrong at all. You can't make her change her ways but you can have it out with her. See how things are, but she's definately the one in the wrong. There's lots of practical advice from other posters. Think of this post as a way of hopefully making you feel a little better. Best of luck

seamus

Ultimately you are an adult and you are not obliged to follow your parents' moral guidance any longer.

If your mother believes that it's wrong, that's her problem, not yours. If you don't believe that it's wrong, then work away and do what makes you happy.

Regardless of where your mothers' beliefs stem from, they are still her personal beliefs - i.e. they are of no relevance to you and do not dictate how you live your life. What the rest of your family may or may not have done* is also irrelevant. Since when did we all have to be the same and do the same things?

Whatever she says can be countered with - "That's your opinion, not mine".

*To stir the pot a bit I would point out to her that the rest of your family were no doubt shagging all around them but never told her just to keep her sweet. But that's me; You might be aiming to ease her upset

Nailz

Unregistered wrote: »

There is no god, catholicism is nonsense. Enjoy yourself and be happy.

Exactly! (I can't thank that for some odd reason)

OP, you still may be Catholic, which I respect no end despite me being Atheist, but most of the Catholic values (especially the ones your mother is taking) are bollox! I used to be Catholic, and then slowly got a realisation that it's bullshìt, you are free to do as you want as long as it's not immoral to yourself, it doesn't matter if your mam thinks; "Sex before marriage (which is currently not an option, thanks to this countries still over religious opinions on law of homosexuality) - immoral & sinfull and not what "God" intended us to do!"; it's what's right to you! "Fùck 'em, and their law" as the Prodigy say!

00112984

At the end of the day, you're an adult and in a consensual relationship and it's one of your mother's business.

I presume she wouldn't appreciate you questioning her directly about whether she had sex or not on a particular night and she should afford you the same level of respect and privacy.

Your responsibility in this relationship is to your boyfriend in taking care of him and ensuring that you both have a safe and loving relationship.

Your mother will get over it eventually but, if I were you, I'd refuse to answer anymore direct questions.

LegacyUser

OP, although I'm straight, I was in a very similar situation to yours about a year and a half ago. I told my mother that I was sexually active, and she flipped. I was called a sl*t, she was ashamed to have me as a daughter etc., it was a horrible time for my whole family. Literally, when one of us walked into a room, the other one left.

However, over time, she got used to things. Although I don't agree with her opinions on these matters, I have to respect that they are her opinions and she is entitled to them. Now, I would never discuss anything sex-related with her, and I think the both of us are happier this way. In hindsight, I should never have told her, but we can't take these things back.

My advice would be to give your mother some space. If she asks you about it, tell her that you told her because you didn't want to lie to her, but that you won't talk about it further. It will take her time to get used to it. At the end of the day, you are still her son and she loves you.

NewFrockTuesday

So let me get this straight (:pac:), your Catholic mother, who doesnt mind you being gay....does mind if you have gay sex before you never get married? The only thing Grandma is going to spinning from is confusion.

Its none of her business unless youre under the age of consent. Having a somewhat more liberal minded mother, I hid my sex life as its just plain wrong to be discussing it with a parent. Its a level of interference too far.

turgon

OP your mother is probably suffering from shock is all. This is how it unraveled for me:

My mother was always asking me those sort of "have you" questions since I started having serious relationships involving sex 3 years ago. She obviously distilled the impression that she didnt want me do so I always succesfully denied it. I just eventually had to ease it into her.

The first night a girl stayed over I insisted sleeping in the front room with her. She still convinced herself we did nothing, as if we had different beds.

Then only 2 weeks ago I went away for the weekend with a girl, and shes has since made speeches to the effect she now trusts me to set my own moral values. In other words I eased her into it.

Your mother is just shell shocked. And even though I never obeyed my mother on this issue, from a lad to lad I know I hate having disagreements with my mom, because shes me mammy. She will eventually get used to the idea of you staying over with your boyfriend.

LegacyUser

OP:
I agree with what turgon said. I'm a mammy with a grown-up child , it sometimes is hard to let go of your child and let them make their own way.
Your mam's reaction is probably one of fear for you..she is afraid to let you make this step as she doesn't want to see you hurt. I know that sounds mad but this is my gut feeling.
Also years ago my now-deceased mother had a similar reaction when she found out I was sexually active.Years later when I became a mammy myself she explained that she was so afraid for me and the idea of a "hairy man" with hands all over me really upset her..to her I was her baby girl. When I held my own babies I understood her better.
OP I know how hurtful her reaction was..mine made me feel like a piece of cheap crap. How we got through it was by keeping the communication lines open. I reassured her I was practising safe sex and respected the fact that it was sensitive for her.
Your mammy loves you,she is just worried..and sometimes worried mammies shout and yell.
I wish mine was still around to yell at me.

Das Kitty

I'm not gay and my mother had a very very similar reaction when I started having sex.

They may ask the question but they're not ready for the answer!

You two will work it out, don't panic.